New Year Resolution and Last Post of 2K14

The typical Tumblr girl posed hahahahaha yeah. In my case, it was wannabe-Tumblr-girl posed since all of them we're way gorgeous, i mean... inhumanly gorgeous in some ways. Okay, enough about that. By the way, hello~! It's been few days after my last post entry ey? ahahaha yeah, since this horrible year called 2k14 hehehe i like the sound of that, 2K14, doesn't that make me sounds more extravagant and more swaggy? hahahahahaha okay enough and yes, I really do have horrible year BUT it still better than my last 2 or 3 years back where I was really really drowning, gasping for life hahahaha XD Well, I'll just say that 2k14 isn't quite a bad year for me because I've been recovering from my unhealthy habits which you know which one hahaha and I'm more forgiving? I guess and I have few people that I think I can safely considered them as my friend with benefits at that. hahaha and there's that. I have few good laughed with my parents as well as my stupid brother along this year but I'm still wondering if it a good idea because usually, after we had a great family moment together, it's always end up with door slamming or my stupid brother annoyingly shouting at mom. So, sometimes I'm just holding myself back from having too much fun because I'm pretty much convinced that when I'm happy, things gonna be bad for mom. hahahaha yeah, I know it's completely non-logical. Believe me, I do know and I'm trying not to compel myself into that kind of thinking. I might end up being the unhappiest person on earth and missing all the best things in life :)

And I don't really have anything to tell here because my days has been better in the past few days. I've spend whole lots of time with myself and oh yesterday, for the first time in forever, me and my family dined together in our dinner table. hahahaha Well, it just happen like that because I was caught getting food from the kitchen and then they all started to sit down and eat along. Well, maybe it's a start for everything. And yeah, that night. My brother getting into his usual stupid shouting again and mom, yeah. Slamming the door and dad, I don't know what he's doing, probably sleeping. hahaha *sighs* Okay. I've just decided. Maybe I should uh, just write my new year resolution here? I guess? hahahaha XD alright then :)

Okay. I haven't really thought about my New Year Resolution actually and I totally completely had forgotten about my this year resolution hahahaha First and for most, I think I'm just going to try my best to keep in touch with people and stuff. The idea of having friend have hit me at some point where I kinda miss my old friends a lot hahahaha but not all of them. I mean, certain people of course. And then, I might trying better keeping in touch with my one and only best friend, Valerie. The only person who choose to stay and well, accept me no matter how weird I am, even though not fully. But I'm glad to have her and called her best friend. I'm the one who suck at keeping in touch and I guess it just time for me to make the move then, I can't just let her do all the work, right? hahaha so, that's one of my resolution. We're so going to go through this again by the end of 2k15, to check if I've done this or not hahahaha XD Hopefully I will *fingercrossed*
Then, there's another about educations. Which would be my second resolution this year. I'm going to study my very best and getting wonderful grades for every exams. I really wanted to make my parent proud and well, I did graduated with good CGPA which is 3.00 in which it's definitely an average grade for college students. So, I just want to make them more proud of me, and making myself proud at that by beating my own CGPA. I mean, degree will be tougher but since I've been half-serious while I'm at the easy level, then I guess I should just double up my effort like twice hahaha yeah, and I'm pretty excited to do this. I suddenly remember that time when I'm a very compassionate learner that I never missed any second to make note and actually doing my homework hahaha yeah, so now, all I have to do is convinced myself that I love to learn and shit hahahaha

The third one, would be uhh..... accepting myself the way I am. I've been having trouble of accepting the way I am but last few month back I think, I recalled that I've read this one quote saying something like, "Love your own body for it was made by God from his own reflection," something like that and it hit me so much that I kinda feel a bit guilty for being so bitchy about how I hate my body like we all knows that God had made His child and mainly the face of course. But yeah, it could work with the body too hahaha and yeah, I'm like why is it so easy for me to appreciate God's other creation but now the one I already own? so it's like, well... This isn't gonna be easy but it's not impossible either. So, I'm going to uh... do my best to love myself. Like Niall sung in Little Things, "Love yourself as I love you," I'm like awww hahahahahaha XDD

Louis Tomlinson is just too cute my gosh hahahahaha okay. Uhh, my fourth New Year Resolution. hmmmmmm..... *gasped* I think I never mention, which I'm pretty sure I didn't hahaha well, it's about this one story idea that just hit me when I was reading Dramione this few days. It's uhh... more like Harry Potter AU in which I combined my own character with Harry Potter's character XD AU here because I never read Harry Potter so they're so going to be very OOC hahahahaha anyway, back to this idea of mine, I was thinking about writing it like, it was in their 7th year in Hogwarts and yes, Voldemort is still in a run (hey, Voldemort isn't having red line under the name hahaha and yes, Harry did think he kill him but no, he's not wahahahahaha) and so, Dumbledore (yes, he's still alive) announced the school that they're gonna be having exchange students from 5 magic school somewhere over the globe. So, there gonna be 3 students from each of the school. So, between all the students, there'll be my character wahahaha XD I've named them Alex, Travis and Aaron (I'm pretty much loving this name lately) Alex and Travis are brothers, while Aaron is Travis's best friend. Then they going to be sorted out and oh oh i was thinking of Alex making a fuss about not willing to be sorted out hahahaha yeah XD I'll tell you in the story, because I'm itchy to write it gosh~ hahahahaha anyway, after being sorted out, they're started to mingle with everyone in which all the professor think it's could be great for the house unity. Okay, then uhhh.... well, I was thinking to make these three as part of the Order spies. A very young spies of course. They did come from prestige school though and very good at Quidditch and music yeahhh XD ( and psst.... Louis is gonna play Alex part pffftt I just remember HAHAHAHA ) anyway, *ahem* there's gonna be lots of things happen and well, I might write the draft first ahahahaha XD

And other than that, I have also thought about writing a teen depressing story hahaha about this two best friend. Well, not so best friend. They never actually interact with each other until they were partnered up in this one school project. But they knew each other though hahahaha and uhh, maybe I'll just take my original character, Ally Menders and Andrew Quinn in this story too. Well, it's gonna be bloody hahahaha nah just kidding. I'm going to make a plot twist in this story hehehehehehehehehe we'll see what my brain gonna tell me. hahahaha and ahhh, speaking of story... I might re-working on The Last Descendant. I mean, I really love that story but I was also thinking to change the heroin and maybe the whole cast. muahahahaha XD I really should write the whole thing in a book. I keep on forgetting it somehow. curse my goldfish memory! >.<

Anyway, I completely going off track hahahahahahaha I'm so sorry. Okay, now my fourth New Year Resolution. After that long and twisted off-track, I shall say maybe I want to finish at least one of my stories that I'm working on. hahahaha yeah, so far, I have five? maybe I'll try to finish one and two is a miracle, three? in your dream hahahahahaha XD So, yeah. I guess that's it. And fifth new year resolution is exercise~ Yes, I want to keep my body healthy and having stamina since I feel like I'm running out some fuel in me and gaining lots of weigh for some times now. And ah, I think I'll be moving into new house around February because there's still so many shit to be done and still no electricity yet. So, yeah, around end of February or maybe early March. Well, relax~ hahahaha it just I can't wait to move there because you know, I'm hoping for a better feng shui from that house. hahahaha because here, it suck a lot.
And uhhhhh....... Maybe that's all my New Year Resolution this year. Oh last one. Sixth New Year Resolution. Treating everyone nicely and respect those who is deserved to be respected hahahaha. Yeah, I mean. Sometimes, there are things that we can't really do all by yourself and you need someone to help you. I know that today, we might be in a very good state where we think that we're on top of everyone but tomorrow, who knows? that we might fallen 6ft deep into the ground and no one will even shed a tears for you. That just sad okay? So, I'm thinking that. I might not necessarily be friend with them. Just being nice, like smile at people more and heads up and no more looking to the phone screen while walking hahahaha I mean, yeah, it's not easy but it's not impossible too. Like, in time like this. With all these fucked up world we've been living. I mean, since I know I have no power to change the world in just a snap of my finger, maybe doing something small like this could make a small change. Like, maybe when I smiled at them, I could brightened their days and treat them politely can do so too. It's not gonna change the world but maybe could brighten their days. Who knows? hahahaha yeah, so yeah.
And of course, this ain't gonna be easy because I must admit, I have a veryyyyy low self-esteem when it comes to public. I might need to try my best not to succumb into that kind of thinking anymore hahahahaha yeah, I should be working on that hahahaha XD

 Okay. I'm actually just came back from Facebook and holy shit man! there this uhhh this gaming stuff where you can play using gaming google thing so you can see it from your own view and with a gaming gun and you can feel the whole thing with your own body and soul I don't know how to explain it but holy shit! I want that shit~ hahahahaha seriously! it just awesome! Imagine playing COD with that shit oh my god! I'll be soooo sooo emotional playing that and mom probably gonna have to secretly keep it away from me hahahahaha XD seriously, oh my gosh! I'm so thrilled. hahahahaha anyway, I think that is all I'm gonna say in this post. So, since well, I can say that this gonna be the last post of 2k14. So I would love to say that it has a very great year spending with you my dearest Mr. Bloggy. It's been awesome and I should thank you for always be there for me hahahaha XD I know in this few years, I keep on updating with very stressing and depressing post but let us both hope that next year, 2k15 will the better for both of us. I love you. And I'm sure pretty glad that I found blogger before because it's like I can say everything and be myself. hahahaha so again, Goodbye and see you again in 2k15! XD love you always Mr. Bloggy. I really love you and thank you for the great year. Mwah mwah mwah~!

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

The Shortest Love Story Ever. ((trust me, it's really short HAHAHAHA))

Well, hello again! hahahaha :) It's been a while I didn't update this blog with something fun and excited but rest assure now for I'm going to try my hardest to write the fun thing in this very post hahahaha :) Yeah, well honestly, I'm tired of living in distress for oh-so-long now I lost count of how many times I let myself drowned in it. But now, I want to swim. I'm done drowning and I really don't like the feeling of drowning. hahahaha :) I can't really say that things gonna change soon because life doesn't work that way so let just take a baby steps and keep on believing.

Okay! So, as you can see that I've dyed my hair back to dark brown! WOOH! hahahaha because I have something in mind for my next year hair-style muahahahahaha XD I'm gonna dyed it red black next year yeahhh baby~! But I think I'll be dye-ing it maybe a month before Gawai celebrations? because I've been dye-ing my hair too frequent and if I don't put longer gaps, I might losing all my hair. I can't afford that hahahaha I'm not gonna be cute if I lose my hair HAHAHAHA XD and well, as I had this brown hair back, sis Inut says that I look younger and I'm like ohohohoho HAHAHAHA duddde, of course la I feel so happy because it's been ages people didn't tell me that I look young hahahahaha XD

Okay. Enough about young hahaha because I've been told that I looked like a freaking 12 years old by some anon from Tumblr and I'm very flattered hahahaha because I look 8 years younger than my real age hahahahaha oh *flip hair* XDD Anyway, things is always the same and last few weeks I've been having a very stressful moment. Well, that's because my dad is having this sickness where his stomach have this small hole and blood coming out from there in which he was pooping for blood most of the time. Mom even told me that before he was going back here to Miri, he was being hospitalized due to the loss of blood that the doctor had to give him 2 blood packet the day before. *sighs* and that's the moment I kinda realized that I'm in a huge responsibility right now and I've gotta do my very best in my study starting next year so that I can support my parents and we won't loss our money sources. And I'm freaking hating my brother for how ignorant he is about our dad's condition and that mother freaking selfish bastard is really getting on my nerve each and every day. I must be lying if I said that I don't hate him because I really do. He may be my brother, but he don't deserve any respect from me and I am not going to dine at the same table as he is. And that my friend, is how much I despised my brother.  The end.

Just kidding. I still have lots of things to tell hahaha XD Well, I really owed sis Jaba big time because if not because of her, I might still self-harming myself in some ways. I didn't really tell her about that because well, I just feel like I don't really need to tell everything to her and make her worry and shit. Opps. hahaha I was thinking not to use any cursing word in this post but I guess it just slip hahahahahaha XD Okay, uhh... Well, honestly it's really awkward to tell someone about stuff that happens in your life because it's not something you should share with people and worried them. Well, telling or not telling, sis Jaba always know what happen in my life because she practically stalking my blog HAHAHAHA like I always did to her blog muahahaha XD SO that's how we communicate by the way hahahaha :)

And, ah~ because I forgot, last week if I'm not mistaken... Since I'm honestly don't know what day or what date is it now hahahaha Seriously... This is one reason I don't like long holiday hahahaha it so freaking boring. Okay, that was close hahaha I almost out-track hahahaha eh, uhh... Oh, last few weeks ago I think... I was going for a shopping spree with sis Jaba, sis Inut and her husband. We went to watch Big Hero 6 and man, how I hate that movie hahahahahaha I mean, gosh! the director is a satan AHAHAHA I cried the whole movie and even today, I'm still so sad about Tadashi because he freaking killed by the fire just to save the villian. Oh my gosh, I'm so so so so sad about it HWAAAH and and then BayMAx died I cried again my gosh. It's been ages I didn't cry sooo many time like that in a cinema hahahaha XDD I feel like buying the CD next time I'm going to Speedy. I just got to have Big Hero 6 in my collection hahahahaha XD

And then, sis Jaba and I were having movie marathon, also in the last few weeks ago, I think. hahahaha well, it was around that time though hahahaha XD Oh! before the movie marathon, I was accompanying sis Jaba to meet her friends from school, uh... something like reunion. I was acting like I was part of the group hahahahaha but yeah, we had fun *gasped* i think I'm talking about the same day HAHAHAHAHA oh my gosh, HAHAHAHAHAHA okay okay, now I remember everything HAHAHAHAHA I'm so sorry HAHAHAHAHA *Ahem* Uh, okay... It's like this. Sis Jaba was asking me to accompany her to meet her friends because she doesn't want to go alone. So there I go, tagging along and make friends with her former classmates. But since the reunion starts in the evening, so the four of us were going to the movie and watch Big Hero 6. And after the movie, we dropped sis Inut and her husband at Imperial Mall while the two of us went to SOHO, a place where her friends has been waiting. As we arrived there, well... Honestly, I think we talked mostly between ourselves hahahaha. Then, her 'BFF' Audrey hahahahah ask all of us if we wanna go Karaoke and so we said yeah sure, why not. But we've gonna send sis inut and her husband home first. And so, we sent them home and came back for karaoke-ing. There I was having the singing battle with the Audrey girl ahahaha and yeah, I kinda proud myself. I might not sing well, but at least I'm better than that smugface girl hahahah I'm so bad. I feel bad, a bit. hahahahaha XD But overall we had fun.

THEN, barulah we both having movie marathon. So we kinda watch Maze Runner WUBWUBWUB and guess what? I'm getting a new husband HAHAHAHAHA Uish, of course I'm still Mrs. Lerman-to-be but it's kinda bit shaky now because my gosh, Thomas-Brodie-Sangster is the cutest motherfreaking human being. Even cuter than Logan Oh my gosh *sorry Logan* HAHAHAHA I mean, his voice... I fell in love with his voice. And when I found out that he was the voice actor for Ferb from P&F and I'm like oh my gosh! is this a fate?! HAHAHAHA because hell, I love ferby ya know and well, because he's the quiet type, whenever I'm watching P&F, most of the time I was waiting for Ferb to say something hahahahaa and thats how I got hook with the cartoon. and of course, other than that, I was watching P&F because of Ashlee Tisdale's voice XD

Eh, back to Tommy. hahahahaha Other than his voice, I really love his face. His eyes, his lips, his teeth my gosh hahaha and and his accent OH my, that's sexy hahahahaha XD my heart beat so fast right now HAHAHAHA I really hate the cupid angel because they always make me falling in love with someone I couldn't have. Like literally out of my league HAHAHAH I mean, dudeeeeeee..... Thomas freaking Sangster is seriously too cute for someone like me hahahaha *cries* HAHAHAHA don't you know how freaking depressing this is? HAHAHAH UGHHHH okay, staph. Well, Tommy is born in the 90s. A year older than sis Jaba which means, he's 24 this year BUT I tell you, he looks like he's freaking 20, like me! yay! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAhA someone just kill me, I'll give you the address of my house hahaHAHAHAHAHA *sighs*

Look at him..... *dreamily* Haaa..... any girl that dating him will be the luckiest But *gasped* what if he's gay? hahahahah wait. Imma googled it. OH, i just heard my heart break into million zillion pieces HAHAHAHAHA He has a girlfriend and her name is Isabella Melling. Well, i'm not i place to say this but honestly, the girl looks too old for him. BUT yeah, love is all about that bass about that bass HAHAHAHA Okay, Maybe. I should stop talking about Thomas-Brodie Sangster because you know, I'm very strict with this one life principle of mine which is
If that person is owned by someone else, I shall not touch them any longer for the rest of their relationship. Which mean, I'll get back to them once they're no longer in relationship mwahahahaha well, depends on the situation. SO, LOGAN.. You're safe. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I guess we're belong together, eh? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA It's 3:40A.M and I'm dying here. Okay then, let's move on. I mean, I'll just leave Tommy be and back self-titled Mrs. Lerman hahahahahahaiwai. Seriously, just stabbed me when you can ey? HAHAHAHAHA oh gosh. THis is the shortest love story ever, like ever. HHAHAHAHAHA I moved on too fast Hahahahaha opps.

And, yeah.... what else, shall we talk about? Hm.... Oh my current story progression is very slow. I'm taking my time to write it because I don't wanna rush anything. I mean, I want to finish it off. So I don't wanna rush it hahahaha XD Oh, right! I was actually did change the story plot a little for a while now *but I haven't wrote it yet* in which I kinda add new character which will be played by Tommy but after what happen just now, I think I might just stick with the original plot HAHAHAHAHA yeah, maybe that's why I can't even write a word for some times now. Maybe God is actually telling me that Tommy and I were not getting back together HAHAHA i'm sorry, it's Taylor Swift song just jumped into my head. The real sentence I wanna say is that Tommy and I were not meant to be together hahahaha XDD

Oh oh, speaking of famous person. I was having this daydream ya know about if I ever be a famous movie star. I think I might known as a geek actress hahahaha and well, I don't know how I might act whenever it comes to interviews or anything I mean, I think nothing will change though hahahaha I wonder how many people would like me and oh my gosh, imagine that if I was shipped with some actors HAHAHAHAHA wowowowowowow brad pitt, but at the end of the story, I'm slaughtered my Angelina Jolie hahahahaha that could work. I could always play the bad guy. And HEY! I think sis JAba and I just having this conversation hahahaha if we're ever be in a movie, we definitely be the bad guy because that's how we roll *put on spec* yeahhhhh hahahahaha XDDD

If I had a chance, I would like to play as the main character's best friend. A very aggressive and manipulative best friend who can make anyone do stuff for her and threatened anyone who is bad towards the main character. hahahaha and plus, a gamer. of course. HAHAHAHA and Otaku tooo XDD I wonder how it feels like to an actor. hahaha I want to experience it.

Oh oh, what if... Like one day, I'm travelling overseas and while I was travelling, I was scouted to be a movie star WOOOOOOOHHHHH, HAHAHAHAHAHA I wish that would happen though. Um well, I think that's all I should say now. I'm rambling shit hahahahaha it's almost four and my parent gonna wakes up soon. I don't wanna sleep yet because I want to bid them goodbye. Yeah, they're going back to our Hometown, kanowit today and celebrates christmas there. I'll be celebrating Christmas here all alone....

Just kidding. I'll be spending my Christmas with sis Jaba, sis Inut and her husband YAY~! hahahahaha I can't wait! and I hope mom will leave me some money because I wanna go and buy some CD for us to watch on Christmas Eve. WOOOH~ I can't wait XD

Okay, Now I'm going for real hahahahaha
Before that, here's a picture of me and Tommy in which is coincidentally have the same expression hahahaha when I saw it I'm like wooooooooo HAHAHAHAHA XD
so, this post is a goodbye post for my feelings for Thomas-Brodie Sangster.
Thank you for making me remember how it's feel like falling in love again and fangirling hahahaha :) I'll always love Ferb no matter what HAHAHAHA XD

So bye bye and stay bless~!

P.S: Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

this doesn't need a title.

Well, hello there. 
I just got back from sis Jaba's house. Back to this 'empty' house again like I don't know. hahahaha I don't really know what I should call it because I feel so empty and lonely and invisible at the same time. At the very moment I step onto the house, I was just gotten a very brief glanced from my parent and they just ignore me. Well, they didn't call me or anything about if I'm going home or not. But I was hoping too, ya know. hahahaha yeah, I'm just pathetic. I know. 
I should be telling about my awesome weekend that I spend with sis Jaba and sis Inut but I just can't stop crying right now because I feel so sad.

I should feel home when I get back here but I feel even better when I wasn't. I know, I know I shouldn't feel this way but I just can't help it ya know. I hate feeling like this too but it just... I don't know anymore. Maybe this is one of the reasons kids or teens always decided to run away from home or something. Because of this feeling I'm feeling right now. 

Why can't my happiness stay longer? It's never really stay long. Everytime, right after I had my best moment, there'll always some shit happen. It jsut making me questioning everything. Like, does it mean that I don't really deserve to be happy at all?Why is things always fucked up so much? Why must I feel this way? What have I done wrong? is being happy wrong?

I'm so so so stressed and I really need a hug right now hahahaha but I can't. None of person in this house seems to care or even noticed or even need me here.They only saw me when they need me like literally. Why am I even here? What's the point of me even being here?

I hate this feeling
I really really hate this feeling
I feel so alone in my own house.
And I can't even stop crying, my gosh. hahahaha XD 
ugh. I wish weekend can be longer, but then. I might only menyusahkan sis Jaba and her family for staying longer. gosh, I'm such a thick-face hahaha
Well, maybe I do deserve to be treated like this. I don't know anymore. I just wish that I have another place to go. I hated this place. like really do hate this place.
because it's making me feel so lonely. 
Well, maybe it just me. 

20 Days before Christmas

Well, hello. It's been ages I didn't update this blog hahaha yeah, well I was thinking to update it last few days ago but I'm too lazy and I kinda have a bit of fight with my brain and stuff happens. Yeah, well sometimes things happen because of my excessiveness hatred and irritation towards people of this house youknowwho hahahaha anyway, I've been drawing lately. I'm not very sure what I'm drawing honestly but for sure, the main idea were the Raira Trio but now, turns out to be more likely a random character from shoujo manga so I don't know hahahaha but it turn out pretty good to me though yeah, kinda love it. I just having a bit difficulties with the attire even though it wasn't full-body drawing becauseihaventmasteredthatyet hahahaha so, yeah. It's work-in-progress to be exact.

I miss putting my face on this blog hahhaha it feels like ages XD
And right now, I'm listening to some Escape the Fate random song because yeah, I'm not sure what else to listen to anymore hahahaha I lost my interest in almost everything. Maybe the emo phase is coming again hahahaha XD BUT I want to defeat it by writing something today. Yeah, and yeah, I kinda thinking of continuing my current story hahaha well, more like fanfic. yeah, fanfic that is well whatever it call. hahahaha since I'm like the vice president of Dabai Production, let just call it as a movie hahaha well, a bit of AU! kind of movie. *sighs* let just stick with FanFic hahahaha because it somewhat OTP fanfic pfft XD okay, here's some of the preview;

Pgie was standing in front of the wooden door with plank that written Domini. Cglued on it. Staring at the name plank she recalled back the early event that just happened;
So what kind of adventure are you talking about?asked Pgie as they both sat at the opposite seats of one another.  
Jaba grins mischievously at her as she leaned towards, I heard something about vampire attack happens at Philadelphia.she whispered.
Shhh..Jaba shushed her sister, Not so loud! This is library
Sorry.Pgie sighs, “…But, how did you find out about that?
The slayer cleared her throat, Bruno and I were surfing the web at the library this morning before exam started,
And youre sure it was some vampy attacks?
Of course!Jaba cried out loud before back to whispering to her sister, I mean, it was all stated there that the corpse founded were dried up,she paused, I mean, what else could it be?
Pgie twisted her lips as she thought and then said, Well, I guess youre right,” 
I know.Jaba grins, So, since youre gonna be exempted fro-
About that,Pgie cuts in. The raven squints her eyes, Spill…”
UmWell, I kinda rejects Dominis offer,
So? Try to ask him if the offer still open.
Its not that easyWe kinda have this small arguments about that too…”
Jaba sighs and started to massage her forehead. She couldnt help but to think that maybe every Levedad has the stubbornness traits. Well, it wont hurt to try asking him again, right? I mean, hes the angel of love anyway,
Pgie sighs,
Taking a deep breathe, she slowly brought her fist to gently knocked on the door.

“Come in,

I kinda like this part so... hahahaha XD well, this story is more focused on Jaba and Pgie to be exact. I'm thinking of writing it like one chapter, one character POV. example is like, if chapter one is Pgie's POV, then chapter two will be Jaba's. hahahaha yeah but in this story, I'm extracting the voice in Jaba;s head well, I'll explain that more thoroughly in the story. Don't worry, I have everything in plan hahahaha XD 

Actually I have another Levedad fanfic to write at the same time. It's uh, their Christmas adventure where they kinda break the rules again. yes, again... to save Christmas. hahahaha yeah, the plot is cliche but I kinda love it because I was thinking to change their partners. Like, ya know that Jaba and Pgie is team and Kevin and Moon is one team. So, in this one, it will be Jaba and Moon, Pgie and Kevin. With.... the three Giodani brothers' of course. and uh, they're like gonna celebrating Christmas at Laurencia for the first time because they're not allowed to go back to celebrate it with their families. So things happen and they teamed up to go and save Christmas XD

I should work on that hahahaha because I was thinking to finish it before of on Christmas day hahahaha XD yeah, it's Christmas present for myself hahahah XD and and I'm thinking of maybe make it as short as possible, maybe around 10-15 chapter long and for the other one, I'm targetting for 20-30 chapters XD

Uh, honestly I forgot what I wanna say other than this hahahaha well, I'll back again soon. Ciao XD

God is Love.

Hello again. I'm officially in love with Jack Mitchell, the main character of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Look at his precious face, how could you not in love with his face? hahahaha I mean, those two front teeth is just freaking adorable and his blue eyes, my god. hahahahaha XD well, I haven't been playing the game since last time because my bro kinda play it for now so I have to wait for him to return it to me (in which I have to ask for it, of course)
and oh, ya know... Things has been pretty great for me start from Friday night, which I had blast with my uchihas and I kinda talked with my senpai again. Then, on the next day I have my graduation's day and at night I went to attend this special celebration of my church and then yesterday, my family receive new family member and then I kinda have my moment with my precious princess. I'll talk about it more down below hahahaha :) Okay.

First things first. I proudly said that I'm officially graduated. YAY! hahaha I actually never thought that I will graduated with merits. I always thought that I didn't do my best which is I am hahaha but I kinda proud of myself, even though things were pretty tough in the years I've been doing my diploma, all the depression, the self-depreciation moments and endless shit that beating me down to the core, I still made it to graduate with merits and honestly, I won't be able to do it if it not because of my one and only dude, sis Jaba. I'm glad that she's always be there when things get rough for me and stay no matter how much it could hurt her. Ya know, when people get depressed they sometimes drag people down with them and shoo them away. hahahaha but yeah, she's stayed with me though. Without her cheesy line, her advices and her supports, I won't be able to grads with merits or maybe wouldn't able to graduate at all. So, yeah. Mostly, I really thanked her for everything. Even on the night before the graduation day, she gave me advice when I told her that I'm really nervous and a bit uncertain whether I should go or not but she convinced me. So, I'm very grateful for her. Then, secondly... I really thanked my sis Jon and Lalan for make time for me and be there to attend this important ceremony with me when my mom doesn't really wish to go, which is quite disappointing actually because everyone's parent came for them and there's my mom, saying no. Even then, it was Mak Ulit who forced her to come for a picture session. hahaha but yeah, I guess I shouldn't be thinking too much in this because eventhough this isn't that important for her but she has given me supports and feed me and make sure my basic needs are all fulfilled. And as for dad, if he's here, I'm sure he'll be the one who say yes to go hahahaha and I'm thankful for both of them somehow because they have supports my education and gives me all the needs and love even though they rarely show it to me, I know they love me. I mean, who doesn't love me? hahahaha Oh and back to sis Jon and Lalan, I am very grateful for them to be there with me and I really love the flowers they gave me. And as for my classmates, I had fun, like lots of fun that they have helped me a lot in the past two years. They never say no whenever I need a help from them. I know that I'm cold and somewhat look arrogant but they came to understand that it just how I normally look like and they accept me for who I am. I've learnt a lot from them and I've met a bunch of awesome people. I really love these guys hahaha :)
And last but not least, of course. I thanked my bestie, Valerie Stevenson hahahaha because on the night before graduation, she posted something on instagram. Like giving me supports and in which make me almost cry because I thought she forgotten about it but no, she didn't. She's like the bestest friend that I ever make in my entire 20th years of living. I'm forever glad that she choose a crap like me as her bestie. she's definitely one of a kind. hahaha :)
And, not to forget... I want to thank the Lord for giving me this huge blessing. After having a huge downfall, he gave me His powerful blessing and make me realized that I'm actually surrounded by people who loves and accepts me for who I am. I must say that God is real, God is always there and listen to you if you prayed and believe in Him from the bottom of your heart.

The next things is that, I would like to welcome the new baby into the family, Chloe Audrey Ronald. She's really cute~! Look at that face my god! ahahahaha She was born yesterday and I'm very happy to have her in the family. Another princess to deal with honestly and which means, more barbiee *cries* hahaha anyway, her birth was really are a huge blessing for the family and hope that she'll grow with all the loves and in perfect health.

I think I should go now. My brain is tired. I'll continue again later wahahahaha XD

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears


It's very hard to deal with someone that doesnmt understand how hard it is to have this low confidence traits like; ya know when you said you don't wanna do something, they eventually would give you the look that saying you just lazy and when they kinda force you to talk to the salesman but you kinda have this problem of talking with people, and when you said no they would just be like snapped at you or sulking. It just make you feel guilty and so you gotta forced yourself to talk with the salesman with all the sweaty palm and nausea feeling and pray that you wouldn't make fun of yourself and try not to stutter like badshit. It's not that easy to talk to people and i wish they could just understand that.

When i said i don't wanna go anywhere means i don't wanna go anywhere and that doesn't mean i'm being lazy. I will go if i'm comfortable with the place like my college. No matter what time they ask me to go, i go right? Because i'm comfortable. And to the mall, like hell i would go to the mall all by myself u less i had something important to buy. Even that, sometimes i changed my mind to buy something i like because i had no one to go with. It's this feeling, it's very very difficult to live like this but they don't understand. They never try to understand

Even if i told them, they'll just said that i'm making an excuses or i just being rude to them and that i don't want to be with them and shit like that. I find that speaking is very hard to do. I rather be in my room, locked myself up and be in my comfort zone. I don't care about what people think but that just what I want.

I know i must work this out and i'm aware that i'll have to speak with people sometimes in the future and yes i'm trying my best to make it work but I need time. I can't do it all the sudden. I have my paced and always being forced like this and getting the blame because i said no... I can't. It just stressing me out. 

I can't breathe properly right now and uh, my hands and feet are sweating even just thinking of it. I wish mom would understand how bad my anxiety is. Well, not as bad as until i feel like fainting but yeah. I gotta keep it cool though. *sighs* what a life.

I don't know what to put here.

Hello again.
I'm currently writing one of my story but I got distracted because all sort of stuff, especially things that going through my head right now. I'm not really in stable mind right now but I'm trying my best to stabilising it hahaha. I sounds like a mechanic wanting to stabilise some machine or something. Anyway, I've just having my breakdown moment again today where I curled in the shower and cry my heart out. I still want to cry right now but I kinda forced myself to stop crying because, well... One, there's no point of crying. Two, crying won't solve anything and three, I don't feel any better even after one and half hour crying just now. I'm just feeling more.... I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't know anything anymore. hahaha

I'm feeling numb you see. I can't even move my facial right now and only my mind that's doing the talking and laughing hahaha you get me? *sighs* hm.... Well, I just had my moment for crying and all actually. I was just feeling so lonely. Very very lonely and sad. I know that I have mom here with me but it doesn't make me feel less lonely. This loneliness feeling just scratching me from the inside like I'm very very alone. I don't even know. hahaha

and yeah, well. I've been texting with sis Jon too just now, telling her about what IBS admin had told me at the briefing this morning about the graduation's day. Well, regarding them, who went with the graduates of course but well, she just reply me as if forced too and then she even ask me like, how long will the graduation be? in way that she wasn't really interested to go. I mean, well. If she doesn't want to go, its fine actually. I can't force her to come if she doesn't want to go. Now I feel like I'm forcing her to go and all. I don't know. Well, I guess it's really is my fault for ya know. Forcing everyone to do as I wish. heh.

I really really want to cry hahaha and I really need a shoulder to cry one and a hug right now but well, it just some wishful thinking hahaha. *sighs* Sometimes, I wish I could enter my own story where I can have this friend who always there and then is like I don't know. Just do whatever were written in the story I'm writing hahaha XD but yeah, reality hurts. I.... Honestly don't know if I really have a friend. I mean, everyone that I called as friend is more like acquaintance or they just leave or just stay away from me. I mean, as far as I'm concerned. Friends stay with each other, despite of what happen but yeah. hahaha

And yeah. About writings though. I always feel that maybe I should stop telling people that I'm actually writing stuff because well. I know that I'm not good or there are possibility that I won't able to finish the story and all but when I told them to read, I'm actually just wanting an opinion from them whether the story is good or not or do I need to do something about it so I can make it better. But yeah. *sighs* maybe it just because I'm writing something boring hahaha and all I ever do is like being a copycat; either stealing their characters, the names or the story plot.

And so, I think I should go now. I mean. Yeah. I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe I should just try to sleep? I don't feel like sleeping yet but yeah, I'm so tired. Maybe I'll just continue writing. Maybe. hahaha I hope, I can stop complaining about how bad my life is because there's people who have way badder life than I am. I'm creating something that isn't there I know. Like I said, I brought all this upon myself and this is seriously my fault.

So, byebye. and see ya again since I'm still coward to kill myself and maybe a masochist for staying hahaha

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

More Rants. It seems like what I do mostly. hahaha

Well, hello there. hehehe :)
I've just had the moment of myself where I've been thinking that well, still thinking that I'm sort of a burden to my parents. You see, in the past few years what I've been doing is just failing, rebellious, being stupid, blaming them because I can't do what I wish to do. When then now I realized that I shouldn't have thought of that. I have no place to complain about everything they're deciding for me. It's has been kind enough for them to adopt me at first place. I mean, they had give me shelters, food, clothing and things I want like gadgets, games, money and all sort of things. Sometimes, I didn't even ask for it, they still giving me like the car. And I feel so soo bad you know.

I really wish that they hadn't took me at first place. I'm no use to them, all I ever did is breaking their heart, yelling at them or just I don't know, get mad because I don't wanna be at fault even when it was my fault. I've been spending their money and what have I done to them in return? burdening them more. I even hated my dad. Can you believe it? I'm a joke. Keep telling people that hating is bad when I'm actually hating the one that giving me shelters and shit. I feel like a parasite to this family you see. Like, what if they never took me? What if I wasn't be here? I think things would be different and maybe it would be much easier for them though. Like, even if my brother did fucked up like this, they could only think to settle his problems and they doesn't have to think about my education and even spending money for two person.

If only I never brought to this world, things would be better and things would seriously be way different than now. Like for sis Jaba, she wouldn't have to think about taking care of my feelings at all or feel guilty when I feel down because she think she can't make me feel okay. Or having to think that I'm gonna leave her or anything like that. It would be soo much better for everyone if I wasn't here at first place. But it was too late for all that since it's my 20th years of living. I'm sorry for having long life hahaha

I've been holding on for so long now and yes, I've been trying my very best to stay strong, or more likely to pretending to be strong because I'm actually standing at the edge of the cliff and with one pushed, I'll fell into the crashing waves. wow, that's kinda dramatic way to say it hahaha but yeah. *sighs* I know that all this is just things that my mind try to trick me and it will eventually goes away but what's the point if it keeps coming back and haunting me?

I can't stop myself from hating myself, hating what I've been done in the past in which I'm scared I'll be repeating the same shit all over again in the future. I'm afraid that I'll hurt more people than I did. Even now, I feel like I've been pushing too many people away but then, I feel so alone. I want them to stay but I can't afford to hurt them anymore. I'm really good at hurting people though so.... *sighs* I've hurt people way too much because of things I've been hiding and things I can't say to them, things that they wouldn't even understand if I told them. They'll think I'm making things up eventually. I just wish I have lots of courage to end myself so I could end this suffering you know. I'm so tired of keep holding on something that I wasn't sure if it strong enough to keep me hanging.

I just want to push everyone's away you know but I'm scared of being lonely. Well, honestly I was expecting someone to chase me when I pushed them away but meh. I'm actually the one who chased them back after pushing them away because that's how pathetic and desperate I am for someone to stay with me. By doing those things, it doesn't make me feel any better you know. It's like I'm forcing them to stay with me. I'm not even sure if they want to stay or maybe its way better for them to leave me completely.

I've been telling people that they should try to learn how to swim for themselves everytime they drown because somebody would not always able to be by their side when things get rough. Well, I guess I should be taking that advice to myself because I've been drowning for so long. Well, not that long but yeah, I'm drowning pretty hard lately and I've try to swim towards the shore but I kinda hold myself back because I was expecting to see someone to wait for me on the other side but there wasn't anyone. Well, there are but they kinda blurry because of the waves and I'm not sure if they were calling out for me too keep on swimming towards the shore or they were just standing there and watched me and let me decided it for myself whether to keep swimming or just stay drown and wait for the huge waves to crash on me.

My chest felt so heavy right now and I wish it was because of my boobs getting bigger but unfortunately, it was just the unexplainable feelings I've been having. I feel like I'm the biggest hypocrites in the whole wide world. Well, not really. Just among my family and relatives. I don't really show them what I really feel or say what I wish to say to them. And at times, even though I feel like I'm just a burden to this family of mine, I really wish that they would noticed that I need their supports and them to ask me if I'm okay or not. Making a small conversation, a normal conversation other than asking how my grades is, what I want, or gossipping. Just a normal family conversation, you know and yeah, I've been so jealous of what Lalan's has between her dad and her because she seems to can speak up her mind and can actually have a real conversation with her dad and all. And also, I'm very envy with sis Jaba's family too because eventually, her parents seems to try their best to reach for her and understand that she's a very indoor type. and plus, she have a very understanding sister to be with and support her whenever everyone is against her or anything like that.

And then, there's me. Having a brother that can't even take care of himself but in some ways, he's a very good brother. If only he was being as normal as other brother could be. I could have a best friend and a brother who I can trust and protect me. If only he wasn't getting involves with that shit, maybe we could teamed up in COD multiplayer and beat the shit of others and maybe could be having a death match together, you know. but its all just the false hope I've been wishing and which I knew would never happen. It was too perfect to be real. hahaha oh well.

It's 3:16 and I think I should be getting some sleep now because I could sense that my mom is waking up and peeing any time soon so, I can't afford to be seen like this hahaha yeah, I'm tearing up right now. *sighs* hopefully things will get better sooner or later.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

Just the Usual Jazz and Holiday Plans~! XD

Yohoo~ Hello there~ hahaha yeah, I've just finished my exam! WOOH~!!!!! and today is the second day and dude, guess what? I already don't know what to do and how I'm gonna spend this whole 8 weeks hahahaha well, other than graduation's day coming up, I'm not having anything else in plan. There's a few but I don't want to put too much hope in those because I don't want to end up with another empty promises so, yeah. hahhaha Don't worry, I'll tell more about it later on. But first! I wanna say that things isn't going well around me and you know the usual jazz and shit. Every fucking people around me is so judgemental and so can't get over off my butts. You know how freaking insecure I am with my butts right? And they seems to be so fucking insensitive or just pretending not to notice how much I'm insecure about it and it just make me want to cut off my butts sometimes. well, most of the time, actually. They may think it as a joke and shit but for me, it's a no-no joke. I was just getting into phase where I was just about to start liking my own butt, accepting my pear-shape body and they're just blew it off by fucking tell the whole town how big my butts is and mom, she just like telling everyone that I'm fucking 70kg and I'm like WOW MOM THANKS A FUCKING LOT for telling everyone. Eugh. I'm just pissed and and sad ya know. I'm a FUCKING 70 kg and FAT AND BIG BUTTS. I"M FAT, OVERWEIGHT GODDAMN IT. it just fucking hurt okay?! I know it's childish for like giving shit about this stuff but I just can't fucking ignore it alright?! They're fucking laughing at my fucking ass and my fucking weight like in front of my fucking face and DO you fucking know how much it hurt to keep the fucking smile on my fucking face when all I wanna do is fucking go home and cry my eyes out?! eugh They may think it was that hurt because it just a fucking words BUT if only they knew, how fucking hurt's words can be. I just wanna screamed right now. It's like my own mom. god damn it. It just the worst.
Honestly, it just make me feel sooo fucking hating my body right now. If I can, I really really wish to just cut off my butts. I fucking hate my butts and maybe I'll just starve myself and be as skinny as they wish to see like getting 40 kg only. Because I'm fat and they don't really like having fat people around because they all have idk 60kg under kind of weight and i'm the only fat person in this family and guess what? YEs I'm fat and thank you for making me realize that and make me hating myself more than I already did.

Okay, well my classmates and I were planning to go Brunei around december time and well, I've told my mom about it but she didn't answer me yet and I don't want to assume anything or saying that it's a Yes because it doesn't seems like it and then, last few weeks ago, she told me that dad has been planning on taking me and her to go Kelantan end of this month because he'll be having his medical checks up there BUT, I don't want to put too much hope in that one because yeah, this isn't the first time they promise me something like this and back then, I was so stupid and believing it to be so real and put too much hope in it and guess what? I fucked up and end up hurting so i don't want it to happen again. So, when she told me this, I'm like yeah whatever. Just do whatever you want. I'm just done with some shit in this family. It's so broken to the point that I don't know if I could trust any of them. I never share any secrets with anyone in this family though. I just don't trust them enough. I do love them and maybe I would die for them but trust? Nah, I have huge trust issues with them. hahaha I don't trust people easily.

*sighs* I don't really know how to live anymore you know. It's like things in this family, that keep on happening around us is like sooo full of hate and sadness and it's like how people has been describing the world war three for kids. I know, out there, there's more people that have like wayyyyy serious family matter than mine but dude, even though there's no bruise or broken bones, my mental state is hurting and bleeding like it will never stop. I'm scarred on the inside and I may have scars on my wrist but that wasn't even covered all of it. That just a small proportion of shits that happens. *sighs* if I really cut myself for shit thats happen around here, I might be dead long time ago. Since as people always says; every cuts covers a story. And honestly, I'm dealing with lots of shit. Not to brag, since there's nothing to brag actually. I don't even like it here. hahahaha well, I'm not just dealing with shitty people in the family or the other family, all the rants, the shouting, the complaining, the throwing things, the door slamming things, or the stupid criticism, I'm also dealing with myself. I can't even tell which is worst. hahaha i'm not trying to compete who has the baddest life with anyone out there. I know everyone is dealing with their own shits and trying their best to survive it too because I am trying my best as well. It just I need to complaint sometimes. Things has been hard for me to deal with. Like I really really want to cry sometimes but I had to put up my ignorant face or the stupid-smiley face because I want to take care of people's feeling and BAM! those people don't even took a minute to think about taking care of my feelings.
I'm just a stupid bitch, ain't I?

*sighs* this reminds me Hollywood Undead Believe's lyrics, "Don't you realize that Bad things only happens to me? God knows, one day you'll finally see. That's scar will healed but were meant to bleed."
I can relate so much with that part hahahaha *sighs*  I'm not strong enough to keep up with all this shit you see. I've been trying to get closer to God, praying and reading the bible sometimes but I guess it wasn't enough. I admit, I still have some faith in me and yes, I do believe in God but it's not His fault that I'm weak like this. I know that things happen for a reason and with God, nothing is impossible. But it just that, *shrugs* I don't know anymore. Hell, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here hahahaha I'll just leave this at that. Let's talk about something else.

And so, I actually have few plans to do on this holiday. Well, I was thinking that maybe I'll just cancelled the thought of getting a part-time job hahahaha because man, I think I need this break and speaking of break, I seriously can't wait to move out from this house. I'll make a proposal for my parent to let me stayed at the other house once it's done and as long as the fucked up bro is in the house, and that's how long will I'm gonna stay there. Alone. Okay, well my plan. The usual plan of course. I'll list it down;

1. Finish a story.
= Well, currently I'm working on three story. Short story of course, pfft. maybe around 30 chapters? and one story only 10-15 chapter, i don't know but that one is one hell of short chapter. hahahaha

2. True Blood Marathon Season One to Six
= Yeah, I don't really love this drama as much as I love Supernatural because I don't really like the heroin, cuz she just fucked with any guy that show interest in her like literally fucking them but one of the vamps is hawt. So, yeah hahaha and plus, I don't do things half way, mostly. So yeah hahaha

3. Re-decorating bedroom
= This, I was thinking of tear down the posters and re-arranging them. I just can't stand the disorganized and messy wall anymore. I want to make more space for the wall. Maybe I could make it look spacious without too many posters? hahahaha worth a try, I guess?

4. Do all Mika-chan's drafts.
= yeah, this one. I need to deal with it hahahaha I honestly love RP-ing but some shitty people on tumblr is just getting on my nerves but I won't let them to bring me down AGAIN. I've run once, I won't run again. Plus, that girl named Aki-chan is pretty annoying a little nowadays, since she got the girlfriend and shit, she's become a little bit more cocky and I'm just rolling my eyes the whole way to hell hahahaha eugh.

5. Drawing?
= This one, I'm not so sure but yeah, I bet I'll do it sometimes soon hahahaha

6. Collecting DVDs and CDs
= Yeah, well I've been thinking of making a huge collections of movies. Every movies that I ever watched of course, including Doraemon's movie yeeeahhh hahaaha that would cause me lots of money but this, I'll take it slow. hahaha

7. GAMING baby!
= This one, I'm gonna buy few new Games soon and I'll play it and I was thinking of getting PS4 soon too but we'll see. hahahaha I'm still counting my pocket money. I need to saved up too since my dad wasn't going to be young forever. So I need to learn how to save up. XD

i think that's all for now though. I'm calmed now and it's 1:15am and I seriously need some sleeps. Yesterday... Well, more likely, this morning. I slept like around 5.30 and then people woke me up around 8 something to send Isaac to the airport and I honestly don't have enough sleep hahahaha so, I'll just go to dreamland now. Byebye :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.


Ya know what's the worst about some shit? When someone snapped at you and then play the victim role when with other people. Like yeah, mom did that like too much and I just eugh. 

I know that she's going to get her medical shit from dr.lee but i just wanna confirm something because she was seems like to go and renew her car roadtax so i just need a confirmation because as a driver, of course i need to know where to go right? But she just snapped at me like, are u kidding? i fucking told you we're gonna go to dr.lee

And im like @.@ and she keep on blah blah blah as she went back to the room and blaming me for taking tooo much time to get done and shit. I mean, of course i took time. I thought she only going to dr.lee *sighs* then she aggressively open the door and shit. I'm like @.@ and just ignore her as i took my keys and everything and just go to the car, slammed the door and jus twait in the car

Then as mak ulit and rania go in the car, she start playing the victim and shit like talking nicely and ya know that when im pissed i just ignore people or snapped back. It just. Sometimes its tiring me out ya know. Its like making me look bad in fornt of others. *sighs*i know its not the first time but things keep on happening this way and shit i tell you, it's stressing me out. 

I respect her feelings and all but she always getting on my nerves. Always deciding shit without telling and then blaming me for disagree. Where's the fair in that? *snort* you tell me, man. I know that she's stressed out with that fuckface idiot but if she keep on doing this to me, i don't know man. 

I know that i'm not a saint or anything. And i know that i might be wrong and shit but *sighs* i'm lost for words to described how stressful it is for me. I'm trying my best to not losing my shit and end up saying shit that i will regret. I just want to get out. I can't do this you know.

I want to get out of that house. Its too fucked up i can't.

The Memories Will Lasts

Well yellow~ hahaha I've been really sick last two days ago that I can't even bring myself to online. Can you believe that? Hahaha i mean, i've been sick before but I still online and everything but that day, i barely can open my eyes and my body feel so hot that i could feel it emites out from my body as if you could fried a bacon on me. And honestly, i haven't taken any bath since then wahahaha i'm stink bomb man. But yeah thank God, i'm feeling better today. I still feel dizzy a little but i can work on my B.Math assignment and i almost finish it. Yay me! Hahaha i'm pretty glad that I'm mingle with these new friends of mine; shock hui and Ellan because ya know how chinese are, right? They're all about studying and getting good grades and that's kinda burn your passion to be as hardworking as they are so you won't be left behind and shit like that hahaha XD 

Anyway, I haven't took my meds yet because I need a shower. A VEEERY LONG SHOWER cuz man, i can't live without shower hahaha it's like my paradise at home hahaha and ouh, last night. Well, more like, this morning, around 3 something, i was watching true blood and that was when i saw this police car kinda light shone on my mom's bedroom window and i'm like hoo shit, they're coming but yeah, my fucking brother were out to get his supplies or maybe someone told him that te po-po were coming. Well, i think. He can run as much as he can now but not forever. He can't keep on running like this. Because fuck man, he's like taking this shit as advantages to ask for like double the money from mom and it's fucking stressing people in this house like fucked-a-lot. And mom is having her stomachache again. I bet its all because of all the stress she get from living with that good-for-nothing-fuckface-son. *sighs*

If i could have one wish right now, i just want things to end. I can't stand this any longer ya know. I'm done watching her sad face for every single fucking day. How she feel like wanted to cry and how much i miss her smile, her laugh and everything. I just want her to be happy ya know. But i really really thank God for taking care of her and i really respect her for being a good Christian ya know cuz she seems to never lose faith about everything and i often saw her praying and stuff. I wonder, if she's not a praying type, i wonder if she could survive all the stress because i, even just watching her i feel like giving up hahaha 

She's the strongest person i ever saw in my entire fucked-up life and that's what make me admire her so much and yeah, as usual; i'm suck at showing it hahaha *ahem* i hate it when things get emotional. Hahaha i'm leaking. 

So, overall... I just want things to end. All the badshit gone and we can be happy like normal family does. I know that once things get better, other things will came up but man, of all shit that ever came to this family, this is one of the shittiest things that ever happen in this family after my parent almost break up like few years back and i must say, i'm fucking traumatize about that. hahaha i remember that one time i was waking up from my nap and i cant find my mom anywhere and her car is gone and i only saw my dad and all i thought was she's gone; she left me; its all your fucking fault. For betraying her dad! I fucking hate ur guts. I called her like hundreds of time and she didnt even answer me, i ran to and fro to mak ulit's house and out own looking for her. Then i dont remember what happen. Hahaha its all blank. I must've been freaked out too much hahaha i think mak ulit's call her and then she came to me and said that she was at our old house, collecting stuff that still remains there. That was time i pretty sure i knew the answer when she ask me if i wud choose to be with dad or her: i fucking sure i wud choose her, thru thick and thin. Oh, this smack me in the head. I think this is one of the reason i fucking hate my dad hahaha but i knew now that he's trying to make things right so i'll slowly give him the chance and maybe eventually i'll forgive him one day. Plus, i kinda owe him for shelters, food and educations.

And then, this also reminds me why i can't hate my brother for like forever. I mean, i know all i've ben saying is that i hate his guts and shit but ya know, it never last. I forgive him easily because i know, deep down he's a really good brother. It's a pity that he went choosing to be involve with shit. I'll forever remember that one time, he was just newly married with sofie, shawn's mom. And uhh, that weekend. Mom and dad were going back to balingian to do some things and i can't recall what really happen. What i recall is that he was mad because mom and dad bring bulan along and he said something isn't fair about it. I wonder what it was. And uh, what i can recall after, i was like, why are you shouting at each other like that and i was running back to my room and then he chase me out. Then, he was like, "dude, sorry, i'm so sorry. I'm not mad at you. It just unfair for mom and dad bring lalan's along". Hahaha yeah, and then he promise to bring me, sofie and lalan to KFC after that. I miss that side of him honestly and now, you can see how fucked up he really is. I also remember that he help me drew a car for my PSV. My house is like what the normal kids always drew and then suddenly the car look all sporty and shit hahaha. If only i knew how to treasured stuff when i was young, i would keep it safe. It's a memories where it could be an evident to show that he's a good person deep down. a great brother. 

I should be showring now. Hahaha forgive me for the spelling mistakes because i kinda have chubby thumb and using phone is not helping at all so, yeah :)
This sickness make me overly emotional than usual. Gosh hahahaha XD

See ya soon
P.S let your smile cover up your tears


Hello there. Again, I feel like repeating myself saying that I'm not okay. hahaha yeah, i guess my life is like a broken record or something. It's like I'm stuck here hahaha but yeah, like people said; just keep believing and things will be okay. I don't know if it true or not but I did it and taadah! I'm back to square one. So, I don't know what to believe anymore. I still have hope and looking forward for the future because I'm the curious one. I'm curious about what will happen next in my life. Is this going to be circling around or will something good happen to me like everyone keep saying?

I don't know hell I'm curious. I'm curious if I can score my upcoming exam? Will I ever make my parent happy? or will I ever meet my true love? pfft. Well, soulmates? I believe I've found one but yeah, *shrugs* I think I'm not a good soulmates for her though. Yeah, my soulmates. I believe it was my sister as well as my one true best friend. You know who. My dude of course. hahaha But yeah, so far... I think all I ever did to her was nothing but a misery. I've hurt her so much that I eventually come to hate myself even more each and every second I think about how many times I hurt her. Maybe like people said like; you'll hurt the one who love the most. Maybe that saying is true but I don't want that. I don't mind if I'm the one who is being hurt here, she's being hurt is the last thing I ever wanted. If its mean my death can bring her happiness, then with pleasure I'll slit my self hahaha just kidding. I think my death won't bring her happiness. Maybe? hahaha *ahem* anyway, back to the real topic here. I honestly said that I really do sometimes have the thought of committing suicide. Yes, in fact I've just thought about it a couple of minutes ago. I make this sounds like I'm joking but I'm not honestly. I've just cut myself a bit deeper than I usually did. I've stopped the bleeding, I wash the blood but it still flowing a bit, so I let it there and now it's dried up and stick on my skin. Or in simple word, the blood clotted. So, it eventually stopped the bleeding and I'll just wash it tomorrow.

*sighs* I'm not sure if I know what I did is right or wrong anymore. I know it wrong but it feel so right, you know. Like, I don't know. hahahaha I'm sorry. I'm still suck at explaining so, I apologised. Um, well... I've been breaking down to the point that I'm so very tired of crying every single time I stepped into the shower room. I'm freaking tired of curling down on the floor, crying my heart out but carefully not to let my voice out so my mom wouldn't know that I'm breaking down. I don't want to worry her more than she has. She's carry so much burdened and worries already. But you know, at times like this, you know what I really need?
I need someone who just stay by my side, buy me ice cream or just sit there to do their own work as if I'm not there. No need to talk to me or hug me or anything. Just be there while I cry my tears out and breaking down. hahahaha that's all I need. But yeah, reality hurt. hahahaha that's only happen in a movie I think.

There's so many things that happen in my life right now and hell yeah I want to give up so badly but I guess, I'm still holding on to that one thing. the continuation of Levedad. HAHAHAHA just kidding. Not that, I'm just kidding. I'm sorry. That not even funny, I know hahahaha *ahem* well, honestly. The one that keep me going everytime is of course, Sis Jaba. hahahaha I know I don't show or tell her about this because I... Ya know, I've hurt her so much and if I tell her this, she'll be like, BULLSHIT. hahahahaha yeah, well... like I said; reality hurt. hahahaha Um... Well, I just want to like ya know, convince her that she's a very great writer and that she's honestly my most favourite writer like ever. And yeah, everytime I feel like shutting down myself from the world or anyone, I always read Levedad: the renewal vampire prophecy ahahahaha sometimes I tell her and sometimes I don't. So I think I've been reading that story like 34958934 times now hahahaha XD shhh. I can even recite each and every words now hahahahaha just kidding, I have the memory of goldfish.

Then, I want to tell her that she need to push herself more and believe in herself more that she can do whatever she want. She's wayyy capable of doing great things if she let herself too. I hope that she realized how great she is. But if only I'm just this good with words than writing here. I'm just pathetic. hahahaha I mean... Well, I know that I look so creepy right now because I look up to her so much but honestly, she's like the only person that can catch up with me and accept me for me. But I guess I pushed her away so many time that we now, I feel that we're reaching the point where I think I should back up a bit and well, ya know... create a boundries between us, make space because I've been invading some personal space and I think we need to get away from each other. I need to get away from her. She deserve someone better than me though. I'm annoying, pathetic, a cutter, always breaking down and say depressing things. I don't deserve her. No, I never do. But I chase after her and eventually that was the worst decision I've made. I make her life hell. I hurt her so much and here I am, saying that I need her. Then why did I hurt her at the first place? I'm just fucked up bitch, ain't I?

it hurt so bad you know... because at some point I feel like she'll going to let me go or started to hate me because of what I've done. Well, I do deserve it but dude, hahaha reality hurt. HAHAHA eugh. If well, let say that one day; this moment where she'll gonna start to hate me, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to stay. Even right now, I'm already this weak and broken so badly like this. I almost let my suicidal thought overcome me. If mayday parade didn't shouted "Please Stay" just now, I think I might done it. Not dying but yeah, cut deeper than usual. And if the short moment of an inner voice asking me like,"If you kill yourself, then what about those who loves you?" I don't know where that voice coming from but I guess it was I don't know; it is safe if I said it's an angel that spoke to me? hahahah okay so, after that question, there's flows of human faces hit my mind box like; mom, dad, sis jaba, jonjon, inut, rania, and zara and more. *deep breathes*

But then, there's mom. Everytime my fucking brother make her mad, she always said like if this is continously happening, this will cause death to her and she said it so many time and I just- I don't know. hahahaha every time she said this, my head goes blank. If that idiot cause her sick, the one who should be dead is him. seriously. hahahaha Okay.

and then, since yesterday... I was babysitting Zara. I don't know why Zara being so clingy to me in this few days but man, maybe baby are like dogs like they can sense that I'm breaking apart inside. So, its like she's being so clingy and cute with me. Even Hey, Rania too ya know. These two idjits hahahaha seriously did a miracle to me. Yesterday, I was accompany Zara watching her favourite cartoon while rania was sleeping. So, as she was so focused with her cartoon, I stared at her and I thought like; well, what will they think if I end myself right now? Will they cry? and will they ask their mom one day, when they grew up and they stumble on my pictures; will they ask like, mom, who is she? why I never see her? *sighs* so I'll be missing a lot of stuff about these girls. they're annoying and spoilt but at times, they can be adorable too. So I thought, will it worth it of commiting suicide? then, rania woke up and the first thing she did was looking at me and then rolled herself towards me and lay down soo close beside me. She even let me hug her from behind and that time I realize that I really do love them both and I want to watch them grow up.

I lives for another day. Wala! hahaha but then, the suicide thought came up to me again today and here I am. I've survived another day. hahahaha I guess writing is always helping eh? Hmm... I should do this often. Sometimes, I wonder what make me so breaking down like this. Because sometimes, it just hit me like a thunder storm.

Oh, before I forgot. while I was crying in the shower just now, I've been trying to talk to Father. Well, I don't mind if he can't hear me because I'm sure He's busy and there's lots of people who need Him more than me. So, I just say like; I just need to talk to someone because I don't know who I can talk to with, without end up hurting them. I'm just so tired hurting people around me with my problems. And I'm sorry that I've making Him like my second choice it just that I don't feel like I deserved Him. I know that He's full of love and forgiveness but sometimes, because of things I've done and all the sins I've committed, I just don't think that I deserve His love at all. But I really want it, I want to be loved by Him and accepted by Him. I need Him in my life because I don't want to be the lost sheep. But I'm already losing it. I fucked up too much that I'm at point where I hurt myself.

Wow, look at the time. hahahaha I should go now. I guess. My head went blank right now and I can't think in english anymore hahahaha :)
I hope things will get better for me tomorrow.
I'm really sorry to everyone.
I'm sorry for existing. hahahaha yeah, I mean it actually.

So, see ya :)

P.S let your smile cover up Your tears. :)

If I die (I'm so sorry)

:And so, this isn't a suicide note. Just to clear things up, lately I've been thinking of suicide and writing a suicide note as well. but well, something tick in my head telling that maybe I should just write one note. A 'suicide' note and maybe it would help out to ya know like taking my mind off suicide for a while. Well, I guess I'll just give it a try. And well, if it's not working, then... I could just used this one up. hahaha recycle.  Anyway, yeah:

If I die,
please tell my mom that I really care about her
tell her that I'm sorry for not able stay besides her
tell her how sorry I am for not being a good daughter
tell her that I love her the most

If I die,
please tell my dad that I'm sorry for everything I've done
Everything I've said may have hurt him so much
things that I've done must have break him at some point
tell him that I always love him no matter what

If I die,
please tell my dude that I appreciate everything she's done
tell her that she's meant so much to me
but she's done enough now and I guess this is good bye
tell her that I love her the most and
please tell her that I thanked her the most for keeping me going for this whole years

I've thought about this for a while now
and I guess it's time for me to walk away
I can't bear to hurt anyone anymore
because it's seems like the only things that I'm good at

I'm sorry for lying to everyone
I'm sorry for trying
I'm sorry for being alive
breathing the same air
when I don't even deserve it at all
I'm sorry for all the things I've said
I'm sorry for being a bad friend
and being a bad student
I'm sorry for my existence
I'm so sorry,..

If I die,
please tell my imouto that I love her
tell her; thank you for always talking to me
tell her that all her secrets is safe with me
that I'll be taking along to my grave now.
tell her to be strong and
that I'm sorry I can't stay longer besides her
to listen to all her rants anymore.
I'm sorry I can't stay.

If I die,
please tell my sisters that I love them so much
I'm sorry for keeping this dark side of me from them
I'm sorry I didn't open up to them
and asking for advices from them
tell them that I thanked them for love me for who I am
thank you for caring for me
and tell them that they're the best sister that anyone could ever wish for

If I die,
please tell my nephew that I love him
his adorableness never fail to keep me going
his attitude never fail to make me smile and mad at the same time
thank you for coming to my life
and thank you for your existence that I believe
you can erase the pain and loneliness
that my parent will felt
once I'm no longer part of this world.

If I die,
please tell both of my nieces; that I love them both
on the day they were brought to this world
I see the small light of hope in front of me
and that their life had given me hope and purpose of going on
I'm sorry that I can't watch them both grow
I'm sorry that I can't watch them going to college
or talk about their girly secrets.
I'm sorry I can't be the best aunt for them

and If I die,
please tell my bestfriend that thank you for staying with me
even though she know how fucked up I am,
she still choose to stay.
I'm sorry that I can't keep my promise
I'm sorry that I lied to her saying that I've stop hurting myself
Thank you for being part of my life
Just tell her that she's like a sister to me.

I guess this is good bye now.
This feeling I felt is growing
I can't hold it anymore
I'm weak and it's suffocating me
I need to end this now.
Thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you and;
Good bye.


Well, hello there. I didn't have a great day today. It just things happen and I relapsed. Um, honestly, I started to relapse since yesterday and it just man... I'm just not sure anymore. Things are getting worst and worst everyday and even worst is today. I don't know if it a good news or a bad news. Hell, I don't even know what is wrong or right anymore. I'm not in the right mind, honestly. I'm losing myself.

Today, a pos laju stop by the house to post a letter from the anti-drug division (ya know what i mean? hahaha) to my idiot brother. They mentioned something about him didn't report himself for 2 years now and if he unable to show up soon, they're going to arrest him and he'll be imprisoned for 3 years. Um... Yeah, well I guess it's a good thing. I THOUGHT it was a good thing but dude, it wasn't that simple. my hand shaky hahaha I;m sorry. Um... Well, the thing is that. How my idiot brother reacted to the letter it just making my anxiety resurfacing you see and I'm itched to cut myself to calm my shit down. I don't want to lose control in front of my mom.

Plus, when I give him the money just now, he said something like, "Why the fuck is mom so fucking busy body, involving with those ADD shit?!" well, sort of. Um, I Just I don't know. I'm worried about mom ya know. Tomorrow I'll be in school for the whole day and she's alone. and possibly, that idiot will be home too and I mean, what if he's so angry about that letter and people gonna arrest him and he'll harm mom? what if he did something bad to her when I'm not around? I know that Mak ulit and they all there next door but what if that time there's no one at home and she's all alone with that fucker? just what if????
He's a fucking drug addict. I'm sure you're aware how aggressive and harmful they can be, right? Anything is possible. I mean, there's so many news about these shitty people harm people close to them. Some even dare to murder. I know I should think like this but I just can't help it.

Mom is sick right now and god. I'm seriously worried right now and it just god. I want to cry but I can't. My tears wouldn't come out. My chest feel so tight and I'm suffocated. I dont know anymore. My head is a mess, I'm a mess, I just want to cut the shit out.

And yesterday, also it was because of that fucker. I'm so fucking angry at him ya know. It's like, how in the fucking world can he treat mom like a slave like like he CALLED her, and told her to turn off the fucking wifi modem. I mean, that fucking modem is like IN FRONT OF HIS FUCKING DOOR. god. I just, EUGH.
He always treated mom like that, and yelled at her for no reason, blaming her for something she didn't do. OH MY GOD> I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY. EUGH.

I can't deal with him anymore. I really can't. I wish he died or rotten in jail or something. Just as long as he's not anywhere near me or mom or my family. But he's better off dead.

First Free Saturday :)

Greetings, humanoid! Today is Saturday YAY! my first free saturday. Yep, because last few weeks I was pretty occupied with my assignment and school stuff. SO, this saturday is my very first saturday that I don't really have to think about assignment. Yay Me! hahaha well, there's only one more assignment to do, Business Math Assignment but I think it's pretty easy to do because all I need to do is applying in the formulae and Tadah! it's done hehehe :)

Anyway, right now I'm actually waiting for Lalan to fetch me. We're going to have movie marathon today. Annabelle and Dracula: Untold yep! it's a bit of celebration for my freedom and her second birthday present yeah~! XD

I was inviting sis Jaba to join us but she said she doesn't want too so yeah, well. Maybe next time. She told me that she doesn't wanna too because she wanna take a break and then I told her like, I'll be the one who's driving and she need a little fun and she said No. I don't really mind if she said no it just that, she doesn't have to raise her voice after the second time I ask her to join us. it's pretty hurtful hahaha but yeah, I guess it's my own fault for ya know, being pushy about it. Oh well. Note to self hahaha :) I have a fragile heart.

And yeah, my English presentation went well and people praised my work on slide. they said my team slide are very cute hahahaha XD well, I can't help it because I'm weak for cute stuff. hahahaha :) And then, after we all done with the presentation; because one of my classmates were presenting about cosmetic surgery. So, there this one time my english teacher said like "I don't get it why people are soo obsess of being someone else or trying to be someone they're not. Changing their outlook because they want to be that person; do cosmetic surgery, dying their hair (and this part, she glanced at me), no offence to those who dye your hair. Why dont they just being themselves?" she said that. I'm like, dude.

why are you so judgemental. hahaha But I keep my mouth shut and just let her babbling about her opinion. I know, and I'm agree with her that originality is everything and accept yourself well is very important. But she must know that people have different approached in keeping their own originality. In my case, I dye my hair not because I wanna be like Demi Lovato or Kpop artist; not that I want the attention nor I want to stand out. I dye my hair because I want it too. I want my hair blue and I love it. If she have problem with it, its her problem not mine. It's not that I'm dye-ing her hair anyway. hahahaha. Its what I called self-expression. I do what I want and what I like.

But yeah, then I'm like, yeah whatever you said. She have her own opinion and she voicing her opinion's out. I know she's very straight forward kind of person. So, I'm not blaming her for anything. It just, I'm a bit offended. hahaha seriously. I'm doing it because I want not because I want to be anyone. but what to do? Like I said, different people have different perspective. So I'm just going to respect her opinion about it (^__^)v

I mean, when I dyed my hair blue, I'm sure that some people will like it and some people will criticise it. So, I'm pretty ready with all of it hahaha :)

Oh, oh. this reminds me of there this one time in class. These group of cool kid in the class we;re like, showing a picture of a corpse that have their head blown off and the brain is scattered all over the floor to my friends, ellan and shock hui. It's pretty gore picture I must say. And my friends were like, ewwww and then he show me the picture, and I'm like "Oh..., is the face exploded?" in my normal face and he was like, "What?"
and then the only girl in their group be like, *gasped* "She just said "oh" to the picture!!" to the one who say I look like panda last time hahaha and then the other guy be like, saying something in chinese to Ellan. then shock hui, translate it to me and she said, "He just said, why are you so cool."
And I'm like, "Wait what? what so cool about me??" and then they all be like, "You are cool."
I'm like well thanks? I guesS? hahahaha. and then the guy that show the pic to me is like, "I really like your attitude," I'm like, thanks man. hahahaha

Well, honestly. I'm not cool or anything. It just that I've been playing gore video games since forever. It's like Gore is part of my life. I even read gore manga and gore anime hahahaha and gore movie. So, exploded face or brain scattered all over the floor is like normal stuff for me. Unless its happen in front me, maybe I would freak out. Like seriously. hahaha :)
The only thing that scarred me right now is Jack-chan and gang rape manga. Oh my god. I can't read all that. I just can't. hahahahahahaha *cries* My heart still break eventhough Jack-chan is just from the manga but *sighs* Let's stop talking about it. I dont wanna cry for the third time for Jack-chan. hahaha :)

And so, I'm start to write again. Yeah, Well actually I'm just continuing my unfinished story. hahahaha I really love that story and how the past me has written it. So, I'll just do my best and hopefully I can finish it off this by this year. YEAH! I can't wait. this is my goals for this year. hhehehe :) 

and Oh, my final exam will be on the first week of next month. So, I'm so fired up to get good grades. I'm going to study well this time and I want to get A's or at least B's for this exams. I want to score and to prove my parent that they can really count on me. I think learning is fun. hahaha yes, I really love learning. It just the matter of procrastination and lazy-bones. Taking notes is fun you know. hahahaha :)

So, I'm gonna do my best to get great marks. I don't want to think about my 8 week holiday for now because it will kill my enthusiasm to study hahahaha and OH, i think I'm gonna have my japanese class next year! YAY! I can't wait! hahahaha I wanna learn japanese so bad because I wanna be able to play those otome game that haven't translated into english and watching anime without the subtitles hahahahahahaha can you imagine how wonderful that will be????? HAHAHAHA

and then, this year. I might started my dream to be a cosplayer. hehehe yeah! I'm going to lose few KG of course because I'm about thiiiiiis close of obesity hahahaha I'm just gonna lose about 3 to 5 kg. I mean, 65 kg is already hard to achieve okay? hahahaha I don't mind anymore about my size or anything. It just that I don't want to be obesity hahahaha :)

 I guess, it's time for me to stop writing. I'll be writing soon. So, bye bye for now!

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)