Anyway, the thing is I've been having another set of suicidal thought starting last few days ago and yeah, I still got them but it's fuzzy now because I've tried my best to not thinking about it. But hell, it's not easy to stop it. Home feels like hell all over again and shit happens like all the freaking time. I feel suffocated y'know. I just feel like wanna run away from here and never go back but my hands and feets are chained. I can't go anywhere. I'm stuck in here.
I just feel like my parent don't really care about me and that they don't really took notice of me. I know, there's some of the time they went to my room (since I kinda locked myself up in my room and only came out for classes or anywhere that isn't here) and to look at me, what I'm doing. I know they're kinda often checked on me which of course make me wanna be in the same room with them, like spend time in the living room, watching movie together and all that jazz ya know but every time I did that, they're always like saying something that pushing my button. ya get me? I must say that they might not notice, hell, they might never gonna noticed that I'm mentally unstable and that I get irritated for even such a small words. But I do have my self-control, that I don't fling right away if it something that I can deal with but whenever I did that, they keep on pushing and pushing on me, saying those shit that really blew me off.
But I don't know. Maybe it is my fault. Yeah, definitely my fault for being such short-tempered and unable to take their good advice that probably good for me in the future. All I did was like glaring and frowning at them, avoiding them and all that jazz. I know I'm wrong.
And then, my mom. I thought she care about me. I know she do care about me but sometimes, it feels like she care more about Shawn. I know this is childish of me for being jealous of my own nephew but *sighs* I don't know how to say this but sometimes, I feel like she gave more of her attention to Shawn than me. Well, I guess. It just what this fucking mental illness telling me. hahaha I'm a loser. And today, as you know it's mother's day. And I kinda wake up late but I did tell her happy mother's day and gave her kiss and all that but then, she told me like, Lalan did told her earlier than I did and even gave her flowers for that. I'm like, wow. Do you have to say that? I mean, I didn't even go anywhere and like I've been making some crafts every mother's day and where the fuck is all that? She never even appreciates whatever shit I did for her before this. That's why I didn't do anything this year cuz I always saw my cards is thrown like shit inside the drawers with whatever unimportant shit. And now she's comparing me with Lalan. Gosh. I mean, I know I'm no better. Probably I'm the worst daughter ever. I know who i am and I know I'm just the worst.
This just didn't help it. I just feel like I really don't belong here ya know. It's not like they need me for anything. I mean, they seems to look happier with shawn around and they have each other and mom have dad to support her now and I believe they can get through it with whatever shit my brother is doing for them. I don't see my part in this family. I'm just honestly a total burden. I'm the one who caused them to need to buy extra food, extra clothes and spend extra money and all that. If only I'm not here, I guess there's much more money for them and plus, they won't need to worry about my college fees anymore.
And then, as for sis Jaba. I know she'll get through it. She's doing fine even without me. I know. Like I've told her, I'm just starting to RP because I want her too. I know that her passion is on writings you see and she always likes to RP and all that. Now that I saw her had been making friends, I guess I've done my part. I mean, not that she need me anymore, hahaha. Hell, no one ever need me. They're just fine by themselves. All this time, I'm the one who make myself think that they need me when it's clearly that they'll survive without me.
I've told you that I've been having my suicidal thought in this few days but I just haven't find any way of doing it hahaha I mean, I did consider of cutting my wrist but that took too long time to wait and yeah, same goes to hanging myself but in my room, there's no place to hang myself hahaha and at times, I wish I had a cronic disease and I can't involve in car accident since I had to fetch and send my friend home. I can't get her involve with my problem hahaha. Ugh. Maybe I'll consider of taking random pills someday. Yeah, probably that could work too.
Wow, planning suicide really put my mood a little lighter hahahaha xD I'm not sure of anything right now. I'm still considering it. I might or might not doing it but who knows. Like I always told sis Jaba, I'm just waiting for on final push. So far, it just the same stuff and I might get use to it. hahaha xD
Some part of me told me that I should keep on living. Maybe that's the only thing that make me holding on until now. I hope that part of me won't losing anytime soon. Hell, I feel so alone though. It's like, I am surrounded by people but it just. I don't know.
Bad fengshui hahahaha *sighs*
I'm just an empty shell
Waiting for a miracle
To fill up this broken pieces