Part Two: When The Pain Make You Painless

Hello there. This is the second part of whatever i'm doing here hehe :3 well, honestly, i'm not getting any better but well, i can cope with everything again. Like keeping up with my studies, my True Blood, my stories... I'm doing everything like before. Most of the time, i just want to sleep my day off. I just don't have the feeling to make any interaction with anyone else. Their presence annoys me, like honestly. I just want to be alone. I wish to limit my interaction with the rest because i can't deal with bullshit anymore and i just don't want to care too much about people anymore. If they want to go, then i shall let them go. Plus, i only make them miserable somehow. I mean, look at what i've done in few years back. I only know how to hurt people feelings. That's what i'm very pro at. Ehe~ i should get some award about it though.

I'm still doing cuttings and i don't feel like stopping somehow because it really does help me to feel relax and relief. I mean it's feel like some painkiller. Like if i feel like cry, i would eventually stop and my mind went blank for a moment once I did it. I feel nothing. You know what i'm saying? No matter how broken i am, no matter how much i want to like... Ending myself, once i did it, i went back to my neutral self. Its like magic. Well, honestly said it does hurtful and feel like being bite by termites, ehehe but seriously. I feel fine. So conclusion. I don't feel like stopping for the moment.

Plus, I'm not that fond to talk out my secrets to people anymore. Its mean much more when i talk to myself in the shower. I mean, who else can understand me if it isn't me? I don't need anyone else in my life anymore. I'm through needing people to cry on, i'm through needing company to be with. I'm through with all of that. I just don't feel like trusting any people. i just don't want to hurt their feelings anymore. It's better if i'm alone. I don't have to care about their feelings, an they don't need to take care of mine. Psh, like they does. Anyway, since breaking people heart is one of my best personality nowadays... So yeah.
You need me, you come to me.

I'm still a believer and God followers but in this few weeks, i don't feel like praying you see. Well, i feel like... I don't know. It's not like i don't believe in Him. It just that, i feel that i'm not worth it. You know what i'm saying? I'm not worth to be His followers and i'm not worth to be forgiven. Hell, i don't think i'm worth something. I'm worthless. Well, sometimes i do speak with Him and I've told Him what i feel and everything. I don't know if he heard me though but I hope so... i know that He loves me and He care for me. But there something.... Well, i can't say it since i'm not sure what it is... So, let just say that i'm start to stray away from Him. But honestly... I don't want to. Of all things I'm going to let go, i just want to stay loyal for Him.

And I cut myself not that i want to commit suicide or anything. So don't worry about that. Just start to worry once i stop cutting because that time, i might have thought of of doing something much more internal self-harm hehei~ hope not though. Honestly, i cut myself for a relieve. I sometimes think that i'm out of my mind because i love to see the blood coming out from the cuts and then the rough feeling on my skin. I like how the pain biting my skin. I just love the pain. I don't know why. And nowadays, i don't feel pain at all. The cuts deeper (not too deep until you can see my inside flesh, no) and longer but it never hurt me. Well it does but for a short time only.

Anything that can bring me peace, i will do it including self-harm. So, conclusion for this post is that, i'm through of screaming for help and self-pity. I don't care if i'm going to be addicted to cutting. All I care now is to get better, to scrap off this empty feeling inside, to burn all the guilty i have inside. Just for reminder, i don't hate you people. I only hate myself, even more than you can ever hate.

Thank you.
Byebye :)
Have a nice life :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

Pictures Update :)

MehMehMeh :3

I'm in the middle of class right now and i'm pretty much a bit angry because my mom just call me and told me that that my brother ask me to send his car-service book. i'm like what? why didn't he jus put the damn book in the car before? i mean, gosh. It's not that easy to drive out from that place you know. Plus, i'm freaking lazy to drive right now. i just want to go home because my paranoia is coming to me again. i feel quite insecure right now and yeah, i just want to be home. in my condition right now, i wish i had brought along my razor this morning but thank goodness that i didn't. I mean, i can try to calm my shit down until i get home later. I know i shouldn't be angry at le bro or mom since its my job to help right? But hmmm... I don't know. I'm just pissed . I don't have to have good reason to piss off actually. Maybe i'm pissed of myself for everything that i've done. So, yeah. :)

I'll be back later to continue on my part two. I seriously will do it today. Hopefully nothing will get me distracted. :)

See you later :)