Part 6 (II): When The Clock Chimes 12 Times

It's just so frustrating to live my own life you know. I can't even be happy even for a while. Well honestly said, today is the best day I ever had so far and so it's gonna end soon. I can feel it in my guts. I can feel it with all my sense that it's gonna end soon. Oh well, it's not I'm new with this. I'm having this little feeling to cry you see. I'm currently listening to Aru Ga Mama, song by Anamu & Maki and the music and the voices is very soothing, their voices touches me right on the heart. I feel very invisible you know. I mean, it such a simple song and it touch me so deeply. I sometimes find myself swaying accordingly to the sound of this song and my feelings... One time I feel sad, then I feel lonely but at the same time, I feel glad and happy. I don't know why I'm having this mix feeling when I'm listening to them singing...It's not like I understand the lyrics hehehe me no speak japanese bah~ hehehe but then, I searched the lyrics online and it has a perfect meaning of what I'm feeling. yes. It's no wonder that it could touch me. hehehei :)

But honestly said right now. I'm feeling a bit lonely and I just want to cry all out. But, something holding me from doing it. I don't know. Maybe I just could cry or maybe it just I'm feeling my chest is clenching. I don't know. But what I know that I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's because I have so many regrets. or maybe I'm just feeling wanting to disappear. I just want to disappear. Yeah, most of the time.

But still, I want to be around. I want to be around those people I care and those who I think still care. My heart aching right now. Hm.... Wonder if there people still care about me? What if it just my feeling that people still care when there isn't anyone. What if? I can't stop wondering sometimes. I mean, I can't find any cues that telling me people around me, people near me are care about me. Even my mom. She mostly care about Shawn and his dad. Telling me that it's going to be my responsibility to take care of Shawn one day, telling me not to hate my brother when he hurt her for like thousands of time. Heh.

And when she with me, all she ask me is study, telling me not to buy my favourite stuff, asking me to further my study, criticizing me for being lazy. Well, I'm sorry for I can't be a perfect daughter. I'm not perfect. I wish that, just for once, she would ask me about how my school is, what I really want, my wishes, ask me if I'm really okay or even listen to my opinion for once. Just for Once. I think I'll be happy. But, heh. this is just one of my wishful thinking. I'm upset but everyday, I have to put on a smile or keep myself away from people. I'm not a good liar, I must say.

And it's not like I want to complain or whatever. I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean, like how sis Jon and Lalan and they all treat me. I know they are being nice and stuff but is it what they really felt towards me? What if they all just pretending because they need my help. I mean, like sis Jon. She always like bringing me shopping and stuff and she always told me that she won't care if I say no if I don't want to. You know what, that's truly bullshit. She actually care. Its not like I'm always saying no to her, only occasionally. But every time I did so, she will start to ignore me and act like as if she was sulking and stuff. It hurt me so bad you know. It make me feel guilty It's like she's putting the blame on me. Even when I forgot to reply her message, she'll be like, if you don't want to be with me then fine, go. but then, if I message her, she didn't reply so it's okay if I'm hurt and not okay for her? it's not like I'm purposely doing that. So, day by day, until now... I'm doing it purposely and blaming my phone for that. I just don't care.
As for Lalan. She just used me. When she have her friends around, she just threw me to the side and came pick me up again when her friends leaving. I feel like recycle stuff you know. But I born to have dog traits that I stay loyal to whom ever treat me nicely even if they just faking it. So, I stay. I just. I don't know what's gotten into me. I hate this loyal traits of mine. I just don't have the guts to shove people away like they all did to me. I'm just like, be here and let them do whatever they want on me.

If they don't want to be with me, fine. But please don't hurt me like this. I'm a human too. I have feeling like them. But they never took noticed when I want to be alone. They keep on giving me hard time. Maybe they think it's okay to hurt me because I appear to look tough and stuff. Don't they know that I'm appear strong because I don't want them to be sad because of me.

I'm not so sure how I'm going to keep moving in this life of mine. I'm tired of everything around me. The only few things that still keeping me alive until today is sis Jaba, Valerie, Shawn, and Anime. If one day, if let say I'm losing all four, I guess I don't have anymore reason to live. Heh, even future. I don't think I even have the bright one. Heh.

Oh well, better wash my face now :)
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)