I'm literally being shit. I know that but I just can't just shove this feeling of uncertainty away you see. I mean, well... I'm pretty sure that I'm shit with English grammar and words and even my sentence is like direct translate. you get what i mean? hahaha it just well... Honestly. I do enjoy writings because I love it when I imagining things that happen inside the story I'm making but it just that I don't feel that I'm good enough to write anything. But I don't really care about all that stuff, all I care about is the story line and which part is being people favorites and that's all I needed. But I guess, I'm just not born to be a writer somehow. I always get good feedback on my newest fictions from sis Jaba though but I just can't feel it. Well, I know that she like it but then I'm not very you know, like convinced. I don't know why but it just how i felt right and I have no control about it. hahahaha :3
I was really-really hoping for her to tell me like she like the story and then she would tell me which part she really like and why she like it. I hope she would tell me that but it just another wishful thinking of mine. hahaha I mean, maybe it's not that good, I mean my story. It's not that good that she has no favorite part at all and it's actually giving her headache because of my poor grammar. lols. I'm sorry. I'm a shit and always will be. hahaha. I'm so sorry.
Honestly, I do want it to be favorite and was told that it was the best chapter but what's the point if they don't present the evidents? just saying it beautifully written and awesome storyline doesn't even convincing. It's like just a words. you know what i'm saying? its like when i'm reading something that I have no interest at all but I don't want to hurt the writer's feeling so i just say i like it. something like that.
but then again. Different people, different perspective. I mean, well.. Like me, if I really love the story, I would definitely remember every fucking line that written in the chapter and I need more than 15 minutes for me to explain what I felt when I read the chapter. Then I would tell which part is excites me the most and my most favourite part. I really give myself wholehearteedly when I love something. Well, like I've said, different people, different way of saying things. hmmm.... I can't expect too much tho. maybe I should learn to accept the fact.
Last two nights ago, I cried myself to sleep. Well, it just that everything is just so fucked up and I feel so weak that I feel like crying and plus, night time is the only time I can freely cries without my mom even knowing. I really can't let her know how fucked up I really am. I don't want to give her more worries to be concern with. I mean, this is my own problems, so it just should stick with me and only me.
I. I'm really fucked up in this few days. I don't know why. At day time, I look just fine even though everything seems too pissed me off and everyone seems to.. i don't know, it just.... *shrugs* then at night, all the feelings that I've holding at the day will rush towards me and that is when I will fall into pieces. Everything is just so fucked up and I don't know what else should I do to make things better. I'm so fucked up and useless. I'm really a shit. like literally a shit.
My chest felt like it going to burst anytime soon and it just really hard for me to breath. I feel so lifeless. I'm breathing but I'm dead. I don't feel alive anymore. And even when I felt alive, all I ever feel is the negativity and even though I know they we're just meant it for jokes, I would take it as an insult. I'm just freaking fucked up. Everything around me is turning so dark that I barely could see the colors. I'm losing my rainbow, it color is fading. If it ever disappear one day, maybe it's the end of me. Let's just hope not. hahaha :)
As the day gone by, I feel like I'm losing myself. Sometimes I know the reason, but sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I feel strong, sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I feel full of life, sometimes I feel empty. But mostly, I felt so lonely even though I'm surrounded by people and this is the only feelings that I can't shove away no matter how much I tried. I feel people hates me most of the time and of course, I hate myself even more because I'm not being myself. I'm literally being someone that people wanted to see and expect from me. I have no clue of who I really am. Only those on the internet would know who i really am, those who never met me will honestly know what I really am. But those who knew me in real life, like Jaba. eventhough she's talking to me in real life or virtually, I'm still pretentious shit
Maybe I'm scared that because maybe once, in the past, the one that hurt her was me, the real me. So, I've decided to be this pretentious version of myself so that I can take care of everyone's feeling even though it's hurting me like zillions time. heh. But honestly though, even though I'm saying that I'm acting good just because I want to take care of her feelings, when it come to her writings, I'm like losing control of myself and i really really do love her writings. If she's a famous writer, I would list her as one of my fav author ever. hehehe like seriously :D
And yeah, about my self-harm. I'm still doing it of course. it just not frequent. Well, I never did it frequently. I'm only doing it when I feel like it. But then, I would do it like more than twice. hehehei.
I really want to stop but it just seem impossible. I mean, I have no one else to turn up too. I do have people around me but I'm no longer the expressive Pgie like everyone used to know. But like I said, maybe it just me. heh. Oh well, I guess that's all from me :)
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)
I'm here again. hehehe :3 today is my first day of holiday wohoo! and next semester is going to be serious time so I guess I better get myself ready kekeke :3 anyway, today nothing much happen. I'm just feeling down and I'm not sure why. Well, I do know why for the half of my sadness. I mean, of course it was because of the face that I keep on seeing pasted on my mom paled face. Well, she looked pretty stress lately and it's all because of the stupid brother of mine. He's really fucked with our life. I'm just sick and tired about everything that happen lately and its seems like it's going to last forever like this. I'm so stress out but I... I can't actually show that everything that happen have effect me this much. I mean, I just don't want my mom to worry you see. I want her to look up at me and when she see that I'm looking okay and stuff, I want her to be strong for me.
I just don't know anymore. Everything just fucked up. HE keeps on asking few hundred twice a day like the money never finish. Like we can generate our own money. Don't he ever think about dad who had to work for years and only going home for like 2 weeks if he lucky enough. and now, do he ever know that's dad is sick and not many ships would want to take him to work since he's now already reaching 60 years of age? and I'm still so far away from able to support this family. I'm so stress you know.
And and whenever my dad call, he keeps telling me not to worry about the money and just keep focus on my study like nothing happen. I mean, how am I possibly pretending that everything is fine? the fucker keep on using the money and he tell me not to worry? Of course I'm worried. Well, I'm not worry if I able to further my study or what-so-ever but it just that... it seems you know....he's working so damn hard for me and to support the family but the fucker ruins everything and
now i can't help but to think that I'm being a burden to them. I mean, both of my parents. If I weren't here, like never even exist or born, they would have more money and they won't be that worried even if the fucking brother of mine is involving with this shit since they don't have to worry about spending money for my college and stuff. If I weren't here, it would be better since I'm just a burden. I know this is wrong and I'm sorry but I can't help it but to think like this.
Plus, I'm useless. I can't even make things right, I can't even help them dealing with this. I'm just here, burdening them. I don't deserve such a parent like them. They're being to good for me and I'm honestly grateful to have them as a parent. I'm grateful that they picked me and adopt me of all my other siblings. I'm more that grateful. But I'm nothing but a burden to them. I don't know how I'm going to help them and all I'm doing is spending their money like I own them. I'm so useless like shit.
They deserve a better daughter. I'm not a good daughter. I'm just their another burden. I'm really really sorry. I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish I could disappear. Maybe things would be different for them.
And honestly. I really can't stand how my brother act towards my mom. He just being so rude towards her and it just making me hating him more. He just keep on blaming things on her even if it was his own fault. He shove all the blame on her. He's so fucked up. I wish he die for real. I'm not even sorry for wishing this. I may be crying if he die but not for long. I'm just tired.
Everyday, I have to look at my mom crying face and how worried and stressful she's been. How she try to look okay in front of me when I clearly know that she's crumbled inside. I had to admit that I really respect my mom for being strong like this. She never show any sign of giving up at all. Maybe she broke down to tears behind me and I'm sure of it but I really admired her for not giving a sign of sadness when we're having family gathering. Even sometimes, I feel like crying you know. Because, you see. I understand how she's feeling, well maybe not wholly but I do. It hurts me so much that I feel numb.
I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. everything seems to fucked up a lot, and even worsen. It seems like bad things keep on happening in our life. Sometimes, I wish that for just one cycle, my parent life were free from stress and shit. They've been through so much in life. just for once, I want to see them smiling again. It's fuzzy in my head on how they used to smile. I can't even remember the last time I saw them smiling or laughing. I just want them to be happy.
And I myself still fucked up. I still cuts myself and I'm not strong enough to stop from doing it. I'm sorry, I really do want to stop but with all this pain I try to hide so much and it's been slowly devouring me. I'm not strong. I really wish I can open up to someone like I did to this blog but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to bother anyone with my problems. I'm done being a burden to everyone. I mean, everybody has their problems so why should I burden them with mine? I know I can handled this. I know, even if I'm not strong enough to handle this, I'm going to stay and fight. I want to know the reason why am I destined to be the daughter of my parents. Am I really just a useless shit? or am I not?
One thing for sure, I'm going to do whatever they want even if I had to throw aside all my dreams and wants. I just want them to be happy. Then I shall do it for them and its the last things I can do.
It's hard for me to faking my smiles in front of the others but I had too. I don't want other people to take pity on me or worried about me. And even sis Jaba didn't know. I've decided to stop telling her anything that's bothering me. She have the rights to be happy like now. I prefer to see her smiling and excited to write another chapter of her story. It's really make me feel at ease sometimes. She doesn't have to know about how fucked up I am. I've been hurting her so bad in the past so I'm through hurting her.
I really thanking the chat apps you see. Since it enable us to hide our true emotion from our chat partner. We can type 'I'm so happy' even when actually we're breaking down and crying like there's no tomorrow. heh. Oh well, technology is great :)
I may not stopping from cutting but I won't commit suicide because I want to be there for my mom and dad. I want to pay all the deeds and support their life like they've done to mine. So, nothing to worry. I'll be just fine till the end.
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)
I'm just going to unleash my inner fan-girl a bit in this post about my real OTP hahahaha XD yes, I shipped TaeHoon so bad that its hurt because ChiHoon left Ulzzang Shidae few years back T^T but still, he's still posting pictures on his cyworld and other websites. Well, I've heard la, from his hard-core fans. hehehe :) I personally love my edits :3 I'm so proud of it that I could cry right now. hahahaha like seriously.
It's been a while I didn't post picture of Ulzzangs in here. So yeah, as you can see, I'm back again to m Ulzzang fandom and I think I'm going to stay in this fandom for a moment. kekeke and of course I'm still in Anime Fandom Okay?! hehehehe :3 anyway, right now I suppose to study my Organizational Behaviour since I'm having exam later evening LOLs. I'm fucked up I know! hahahahaha and even more fucked up on Friday and Saturday *cries in the corner* hahahahaha But I'm going to do my best though. So, I thought that I'm going to release my distraction here for a bit before I get down to business. hohohoho :)
So, just hope I'm not going to spend my whole morning here though ahahaha since I really don't studying so yeah *wink*
Okay~ another edits of pictures. This one is tributes to sis Jaba newest fictions and as well as my most favourite after Levedad kekeke:3 God! I just love this Yaoi fic. Yes, you read that right. It's a Yaoi fics which the pair is TaeJun and Chihoon. Ohohoho XD this pairing is just freaking perfects. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. hahahahaha XD
Well, at the same time, I'm writing my own fics too but mine is SNK fan-fictions. hehehe but then I lost my confident in continuing writing that since you know, Jaba perfect English and her powerful sentence is just... wow. I'm no match with her at all. I'm like, wow. hahaha she could explain every movements of the character very well that I could even imagine it like I'm watching Anime. Like seriously. My English just suck you know. Like I always said, even three years old can write even better than me. I just, I don't know... Sometimes I feel like I'm not born to write but I do loves writings. Like this, I mean... I can write for the whole week non-stop you know. hahahaha but yeah, the problem is I'm not very confident since my English sucks T^T *rolls on the grass*
I feel even worst when I read Jaba's fics. Hahahahaha sshhhhh don't tell her this though. I don't want her to stop writing because of me since it's her hidden passion you see. I mean, I can see that it's the only things that make her look lively and in good mood. hehehehehe so, yeah. Just don't ever tell her *pinky promise* Well, honestly said. I'm pretty envious with her writing skills. Like seriously, she's born to write. She don't even need to like go to writing class or what-so-ever. All she need to do is sit there and writes and everything come out perfect. Gosh, I admired her so much that its hurt. hahahaha XD I wish I have that kind of talent you know. But my talent is like, uh.... reading and roll on the floor hahahaha XD or or counting the grass. I don't think I ever had any talent, other than procrastinating. LOLs. pity me.
Anyway, I seriously wanted her to keep continue on writing. Like it's her hidden talent and she's like very clueless about it. I want to be there and support her until she realized about it herself. Maybe one day, she'll realized that she can go further in writing industry. I mean, come on. She had the potential okay? hahahaha so, I'm gonna say this again. If she ever manage to finish her Levedad one day, I'm going to print it out and maybe I would look for publisher without her knowing it. hehehe :3 I just want her to know that she have bright future. Even if the whole world (families) might against her, I'm going to stay with what I believe in. I believe she can be a real writer in the future. Well, free-lance writer to be exacts. kekeke ;3
This is I promised to myself :)
So, you see. I'm pretty much in a bad condition right now. hahahaha *sighs* I'm back with my self-cutting again. Well, honestly I just cuts myself few minutes ago but I feel no pain. It feel like I'm immune with the pain. ahahahaha well, the things is... I don't know what's been bothering me lately but I really feel distracted like a lots of times. I feel like I'm not belong in this world and stuff like that. I just hate it when it happen. And especially when I feel angry, I would automatically reached for the blade and cuts again. Wow, I just. Well, I'm not proud of this and I just want to stop but I just too weak that I bowed to the temptation. I just, well... I think no one knew that my addiction to self-harming is pretty bad lately. Like well, I do shares with sis Jaba about this but then, it just like ordinary conversation like I'm telling her like "Hey, I self-harmed again today," or something like that. hahahaha honestly. I think I should stop telling her about it. I mean, I don't want to burden her anymore like worrying about me and stuff or maybe I think she's worried about me. hahahaha
Ugh... I think, the reason I'm not fond to stop self-harming is that because I feel like no one really care even if I bleed to death. I mean, well of course those I've been telling is like "You should stop because I care a lot about you," something like that but it words is just a words right? Anybody can say that. Even I can say that to strangers. I'm just not convinced about that kind of shit anymore. Maybe, if they show me prove, I would. But so far, none. *sighs* I'm demanding I know and I'm just. *sighs*
I lost my trust to everyone, like I've told you in my previous post. I lost my trust in words because I'm sick and tired of empty promises. I mean, I really need those who said they care to SHOW me that they really care but it's too much to ask though. hahaha well, just forget it. I'm going to pretend that I've stop then. ehehehe and I'm not going to burden anyone anymore. It's my problem, so I'll deal with it :)
So, I have another project to do for my upcoming semester break. Hohohoho. In fact, I've been planning a few projects for the whole 2 weeks. yeah~ hahahaha and I just can't wait for it! god, I'm so looking forward for my semester break. But I need to go through hell first before end up in heaven. kekekeke :D
Well, there are 7 things I'm listing for my Semester Break Project
1. changing room wallpaper
2. rearranging stuff in le precious room
3. Writing Project
4. Anime Marathon Project
5. True Blood Marathon Project
6. Weight Loss Project. (I'm targeting for 60 Kg) hehehe
7. Self-Healing Project ( like going to continue writing my feelings on blog )
So yeah. My 2 week holiday will be just awesome! hahahahahaha I hope I'm not going to procrastinate too much though. ahahaha seriously, I'm very good at procrastinating in this few months. hahahahahaha XD
So, I guess that's all from me. I want to bath then I shall study with all my guts. Okay bye!
Have a nice day
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears ;)
Hi~ hi~ ! greetings humanoids.
I'm back again after few days of MIA from mr. bloggy. hehehe gomenasai! i'm pretty much busy spending time in Tumblr in this few days. Haish, I don't even try to do my marketing assignment you know and when the fact is that I'm going to present on this tuesday T^T. Well, I'm trying my best to get in the mood right now but my head was very distracted hahahaha I don't know why. I'm just pretty much distracted right now. Anyway, yesterday, I read this one Yaoi manga and it's so fluffy and sexy at the same time. ohohohoho even the character drawn was very detail. if you know what i mean hahahaha then that its strike me. hahaha like what have i become? am I a pervert? hahahaha oh well, I can't say though. Since my curiosity definitely on top of my head. I always wonder how to men be together hahahaha together in bed i mean. hohoho. Demo, I'm not the only one who are BL fans hohoho XD
So, I'm now in fandom of Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titans) as well as part-timing in becoming Ryugamine Mikado of Durarara!! ahh, now in Mikado's blog is full of SNK arts hahaha. I'm feeling that I'm making Mikado looks like he was adoring SNK character haishh. hahaha oh well, i can't stop reblogging SNK since my Mika-chan dashboard is full of SNK. I can't help it >.< Well, I haven't watch anime version yet since I'm thinking to watch it on my precious holiday on September. hehehe :)
Speaking of SNK, like every other anime I've watched, I also have my OTP hehehe and that is dun dun dunn~~~!!
EREN JAEGER X LEVI RIVAILLE
I can't get enough of this two.
I mean, for me they are both so perfect with each other ahahaha
I'm actually liking Levi Rivaille since he was so cool and so talented in killing those titans you know
the fact that he's the fastest soldier of Scounting Legion when using 3DMG. waaah.. perf... just perfect. this was when I was reading le manga. then, I took a sneak peak at anime for a couple of episode and that's when I feel like I'm into Eren Jeager as well. hehehe :) He look much better in anime than manga though. In my opinion lah. And uh, Eren is very determined kid and had too much too handle you see. hmmm... but that's doesn't make him giving up you see. so that's why I like him. So, there comes my OTP hehehe :)
Actually, at first i was in ArminXEren ships.
Um... what else? life nowadays? well, nothing much had change somehow. Everything still fucked up and I just don't know when this gonna end. Pressure, pressure everywhere. I'm just losing it at times you know and the urge to cut is sometimes came back to me but I try real hard not to bow down. hahaha like seriously. Even some of the days, I looked at my fading scars and thought like, "I could cut deeper," hahaha seriously. But as the scars fades, I feel proud of myself. I'm able to stand up now but I'm still can't have my confidence about myself yet. hahaha maybe I'll try to fulfill my basic level of needs first. kekeke :3 and uhh....
things that happen is very confusing and frustrating in this few days. I mean, my brother keep asking a very huge amounts of money while my dad is going to retired soon. So, my mom is like, so pissed in this few days and she's like scolded me for everything that she think is wrong in my doings. Then, at times she would randomly told me to study harder and continue on my degrees and stuff and get a good job so I can support her and dad one day. Well, not that I want to say that's wrong. But I still so far from getting my degree and under this kind of circumstances with my teammates and my laziness and pressures I keep on getting, I don't think I can make them proud. I don't even feel like I can pass this upcoming exam you know. I mean, I'm... I just I don't know... I feel so small when it come to study. I'm not a good student, not a bad either but I just, haishhh.... The lecturers are so bias you see. All of them do. Like they paying double attention on their favorite students. heh, whatever. So, I just couldn't wait to finish my study soon and if can, I want to find another place to continue my study. I think I just need some new environment to be at hahaha >.<
somewhere far away.
I keep on dreaming to go to Japan one day. ahahaha and I guess this is my most wanted goals to achieve. I want to walk around shibuya streets and take pictures with all the cosplayers and osharekeis on the streets and even buy myself some clothings ughhhh!! I just want to go there. I would buy every anime-related when I go there one day hahaha :) But then, if this matter won't change any time soon, I guess it just become further away from me. Oh well, once I get a job, I definitely going to save it so I can go to japan~!
*this should be posted on 18/8/2013 but I suddenly stop half-way and I wonder why hahahaha >.<
Oh well~ i'll just let it slide for now
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)
*this should be posted on 18/8/2013 but I suddenly stop half-way and I wonder why hahahaha >.<
Oh well~ i'll just let it slide for now
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)
There are so many times I feel fucked up
Feeling the anger bubbling up
Making me feel hatred towards anything, everything
I don't wanna hate
Hate is such a strong words
I don't ever wanna hate
Hate is making me fell into pit of anger
I can't even control it anymore
Losing my temper is the last thing I wanna do
I would hurt everyone that around me
This anger is the one that bring death to me
I'm defeated by this anger of mine
I wish I never have this emotion.
I'm tired of hurting people
I'm tired of being left behind
I'm tired of being blame
I'm tired of being hatred
I'm tired of misunderstanding
My dearest best friends
I don't think it will leave me soon
I feel so fucked up
Everyone seems to hate me secretly
Shoving all the blame on me
Or making me feel like I deserved all the blame
I just want to fade away
I just want to feel better
I just want to stop faking my real emotion
Was it too much to ask?
I lost myself once again
I'm sorry I can't stop myself any longer
I'm fallen deeper than yesterday
This time I don't know when I'll be back again
For this hole seems too deep
and its slippery and stiff for me to hold on
I'm sorry I lose control
But I have reasons that I can't tell
Reasons that I don't even realized why
I'm sorry I'm so fucked up
I'm not strong enough to stop
Everything just triggering me
Every drop of blood I shed
Will constantly make me feel at ease
The pain I felt on my skins
Is nothing than the pain I kept inside me
I just want to release my pain
Please understand me
This may not the best way
But for me
It's the only things
That could ever
Make me feel like
I'm in control
of my own emotion
Don't mind the scars
Don't mind the blood
Don't mind the pain
I wish I could cry easily
Expressed myself openly to everyone
But I just can't
and that just me
I'm bend and close to broken.
If you hear me scream
Please save me