Well, today I'm gonna write something about my unhealthy addiction. Yes, I'm addicted to self-harm. Right now, I'm suppose to do my homework but I'm just too freaking distracted and I'm trying to find my razor in room but I can't find it and I've been searching everywhere for it but I didn't find any. Maybe I've brought my last razor into the bathroom last time. I've lost one of my razor as well, the one I kept in my room. I can't find it anywhere. I'm so freaking desperate right now. But I'm trying to distract myself by blogging. I mean, this is the only thing that I feel like can distract me from cutting somehow. God, help me. Still, I'm very anxious to look for razor. But thank goodness I don't go for something sharper like cutter. Like I've told you, I'm not suicidal, it's like my medicine to keep me calm.
Honestly, on my last post... I've told that I don't want any help at all. Yes, part of it is true but another part of me, I just want to stop. Gosh, I can't even type straight. fuck it. anyway, uh... I don't want people to help me. I don't want them to pity me, I don't want them to know anything about my scars. So, I'm going to help myself. I don't know how, but I'm gonna start with something like this, like writing blogs or listening to music, or going shopping or even watching some TV shows. Anything that I can think of. I've been to church lately and the priest were talking about forgiveness and faith if I'm not mistaken, and I've been thinking that maybe God has given me a sign. Maybe He wanted me to forgive myself and to forgive anyone that ever hurt me. Well, just in case there is since all I could remember is I'm the one who bring hell to their life. hehei~ anyway, since that time, I decided to keep faith and hope inside me. I mean, I want to stop before any one of my parent knows about this. I can't afford to tell them anything. I mean, I can't see any good point to do this. Well, I do actually. Since it calming even if it's hurt. But.... Well, I'm not sure if I can do this alone but I'm through looking for help and support from other people. I'm through because I don't think they fucking care or understand what I'm even going through in my head. They never understand, and they just plainly said that they were but they don't and never will.
I wish I could disappear most of the time. I'm just too freaking annoyed with Lalan presence and I can't afford it. she just being so fucking annoying that sometimes I feel like slapping her face. I feel like I want to strangle her to death. God, forgive me for this but hell, I hate her annoyance. that is the last thing I can ever tolerate with. She's like, I don't know.. She think she's being funny but honestly, she's annoying like fuck. Gosh, I hate to say this but we can never ever ever be closed. Maybe we look like we are but we don't. This make me feel bad you know. I feel like I'm using her just to run away like, using her for distraction and to keep myself away from anyone. Heh, well maybe I am. Since that is what I do best.
But maybe I am. I mean, assumption never start without anything that triggers it.
All I could say now before I end this post is that, I never have something that I could call happy memory or greatest memories. Well, if you count the memories of I'm fangirling when watching tv shows, then I do. Right now, I'm through with the urge to cut myself. Wow, this is really working hehehe. Well, I'm not sure if I can stop the urge until later but I hope so. So... I guess that's all for now. I'll write soon.
Have a nice life.
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)