Part Three : The Part Of Me.

Greetings :)
Well, today I'm gonna write something about my unhealthy addiction. Yes, I'm addicted to self-harm. Right now, I'm suppose to do my homework but I'm just too freaking distracted and I'm trying to find my razor in room but I can't find it and I've been searching everywhere for it but I didn't find any. Maybe I've brought my last razor into the bathroom last time. I've lost one of my razor as well, the one I kept in my room. I can't find it anywhere. I'm so freaking desperate right now. But I'm trying to distract myself by blogging. I mean, this is the only thing that I feel like can distract me from cutting somehow. God, help me. Still, I'm very anxious to look for razor. But thank goodness I don't go for something sharper like cutter. Like I've told you, I'm not suicidal, it's like my medicine to keep me calm.

Honestly, on my last post... I've told that I don't want any help at all. Yes, part of it is true but another part of me, I just want to stop. Gosh, I can't even type straight. fuck it. anyway, uh... I don't want people to help me. I don't want them to pity me, I don't want them to know anything about my scars. So, I'm going to help myself. I don't know how, but I'm gonna start with something like this, like writing blogs or listening to music, or going shopping or even watching some TV shows. Anything that I can think of. I've been to church lately and the priest were talking about forgiveness and faith if I'm not mistaken, and I've been thinking that maybe God has given me a sign. Maybe He wanted me to forgive myself and to forgive anyone that ever hurt me. Well, just in case there is since all I could remember is I'm the one who bring hell to their life. hehei~ anyway, since that time, I decided to keep faith and hope inside me. I mean, I want to stop before any one of my parent knows about this. I can't afford to tell them anything. I mean, I can't see any good point to do this. Well, I do actually. Since it calming even if it's hurt. But.... Well, I'm not sure if I can do this alone but I'm through looking for help and support from other people. I'm through because I don't think they fucking care or understand what I'm even going through in my head. They never understand, and they just plainly said that they were but they don't and never will.

I wish I could disappear most of the time. I'm just too freaking annoyed with Lalan presence and I can't afford it. she just being so fucking annoying that sometimes I feel like slapping her face. I feel like I want to strangle her to death. God, forgive me for this but hell, I hate her annoyance. that is the last thing I can ever tolerate with. She's like, I don't know.. She think she's being funny but honestly, she's annoying like fuck. Gosh, I hate to say this but we can never ever ever be closed. Maybe we look like we are but we don't. This make me feel bad you know. I feel like I'm using her just to run away like, using her for distraction and to keep myself away from anyone. Heh, well maybe I am. Since that is what I do best.

And if I have to ever confess, I confess that I've hacked sis Jaba google account once after I've know that she's having another blog that she didn't tell me about and yes, I know well the URL of the blog and I'm feeling guilty. She does have reason why she's making another blog. But that make me feel like she want me to go away from everything she do. Honestly, I feel that way. I mean, before this. We always told each other whenever we have some other new blog. But well, what the hell. I think I have trespass her private life and I swear I'm not gonna do that again and  if she want me to leave her alone, then I'll try my best. Surely, one of the reason i'm cutting is this. hehei. Honestly said. it is. I mean, I'm losing my real best friend here. Well, Hello? hahaha XD oh well, maybe we're just don't meant to be related after all. And speaking of her, I remember one post from the new blog and she said like since I have the wealth and everything, I deserve to be with someone like Lalan or Jon or the other. Honestly, I may have good amount of pocket money in my hand, I still have nothing. I don't own a good family, I never have a great childhood, I never be close with my brother, I'm always alone and no one even ever notice if I'm even exist sometimes. Is that what she call wealth? I don't. The best part that ever happen in my life is the memories she had given to me. I don't think I ever have any great childhood moment if we're not close. I know that most of our time, we spend it for tell-tale but it means much more than that to me. Maybe it means nothing to her but hell, it's might means everything to me. If she felt slight envious with my family, I assure her not to. I mean, I do get everything I ever wanted if I ask my parent for them like iPhone, iPod, laptop, PS2, money. Yes, but have I ever tell you that I feel lack of love? I don't know much about my dad since he ever at home since I was so very young and he only come home often when I'm like 17 years old something. I don't know him at all. We're like acquaintance who called each other dad and daughter. At least, for sis Jaba her dad is always at home and spend most the time with them. At least she have great memories doing stuff together with her dad and at least she knew her dad a little. And mum, well. I know we're here under the same rooftop 24/7 for 365 days. But honestly, we're nothing that I can say close. All she ever think of is my brother. All about to make my brother better and all attention is mostly focus on my brother. Then, whenever my brother did something pissed her off, she would throw her rage at me like I'm.. I don't know. It just, I feel like she never give me the attention. Even when I was still a kid, I just remember that I'm always all by myself since forever. As for sibling, I don't know who the hell is my brother kekeke All I know is that he likes gaming and cars. And I think, I know my brother more than I know my parent kekeke and there is nothing much to say about my brother though. It just that we're never that close. Just saying that if you ever feel envious with my life, just don't. You don't want it. Now after you know part of it, I don't think you've would want to have it right now. Be grateful with what you have and no. I don't belong with someone who have the same wealth as me. I don't care about any of that shit. I valued friendship and loyalty more than wealth and levels.
But maybe I am. I mean, assumption never start without anything that triggers it.

All I could say now before I end this post is that, I never have something that I could call happy memory or greatest memories. Well, if you count the memories of I'm fangirling when watching tv shows, then I do. Right now, I'm through with the urge to cut myself. Wow, this is really working hehehe. Well, I'm not sure if I can stop the urge until later but I hope so. So... I guess that's all for now. I'll write soon.

Bye Bye
Have a nice life.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)