Part 4 : I'm Worsen But I'm Fine. I'll be just fine

Hi there :)
Well, today I'm not having a good start for the day. hehei :) But um... I'm pretty fine now though. I've cut again today and not just once, because I think I deserve more than one of that. I mean, yeah I'm blaming myself for you know, the new fact I just knew today. Well, I'll go to that part later. Now, I just want to say that I don't think my life will get better after this and I have feelings that it will getting even worst than ever. What else can I say? I mean, everything seems to fall apart again and I'm here, sitting alone in this lair of love of mine and cutting myself, feeling guilt that I can't even get rid off. I'm so full of guilt, self-hatred and everything. Depression, you say? Well, a little but I'm not feeling depress somehow. Honestly, I feel nothing. I don't really hate myself, only a little. Guilt? Yep, because I feel like I'm bringing disaster to everybody that sometimes I wish to be alone and I know I hate that idea but yeah, it's better for everybody. I mean, you know I care to much about other people feeling that you know... I rather be alone than hurting them. I'm through being hated and now I'm hated.. again. But I can't blame them for hating me because you know, it's my specialties nowadays. I am very-very good at hurting people feeling that I don't even know how to stop.

I look pretty~ I know~ I know~ hehehei~ but nah, I'm not. If I didn't put on my fake teeth, everyone will definitely screaming while running away. kukuku XD anyway.. Last Saturday is one of my worst day of my life. Start off with the afternoon. I was already promised Chyi, Jonny and Lalan that I'm going to join them hangout at Beach Republic at 4p.m. But then, around 3.30p.m my mom suddenly ask me to send her to buy the lottery and I'm like, What?! WHATTTTT~~~~~ hahaha just kidding~ I'm like what? why didn't you ask me earlier? I'm going with chyi and the rest at 4! i said to her and she's like, blahblahblah~~ and you know, nagging at me. But then, I think back, it's my own fault though for not telling her earlier that I'm going with Chyi and the rest. But I'm to ego to admit that it was my fault so I just keep the anger to myself until I arrived home. When I'm at home, it was already 5p.m and I've message Chyi that they can go without me though but then she didn't allow me to be left that she ask lalan to pick me up. Since, I'm still very angry at myself that I can't even think of anything else. I can't go hang out with them with anger right? So yeah, I've cut myself again. Its bleed a little but it help me relaxing a bit. I put all my anger on the razor as I cut myself. But pshh... like anyone would care even if I bleed myself to death that time. kekeke :) So, I'm feeling better a bit. I could make them laugh, I can make rania laugh... That's important the most. and then, we go home around 7 something and Lalan and I went home here, at my place. And there we saw that Jaba and her family is there too. I was like... Umm.. okay.... I'm not ready to face them yet and I don't even know what to say. You know, like if you've been not talking for few weeks, and suddenly facing each other, its awkward right? Well, I'm very awkward person somehow and I can't help it. Plus, I'm feeling guilt that you know, I've done lots of terrible things to her especially. I was thinking not to go and sit there with them at Mak Ulit house but my heart said otherwise. So I go but  we didn't interact with each other. She just talk to Inut and Inut talk to her only. We don't even look at each other direction but pshh... who am I to say this? I should be the one who start the conversation, am I? but I didn't. Why? because I'm ashamed to face them. Because I feel like I'm the one who causing us all to be apart like this. No matter how you want to put it, it always came back to me. I'm the one who cause them to be apart and well, it's what I do best. I hurt people. And well, what trigger me to cut again this morning is that... well, I've told you that I know her secret blog, ight? so this morning, I suddenly have the urge to know what she's been writing so I've found out that she hates me and she said I'm being hypocrite and all. well, maybe I am. I won't deny that because I'm a big two face.

Well, I've screenshot it alright? It's not like she's gonna read this anyway since she hates me and all. well, I don't blame her for hating me somehow. She have all the right to hate me. I've hurt her millions of time and maybe I'm one of the reason of her depression and all. I make her feel bad and I'm very out of control from my ego-self. I hurt her so much that I can't even blame her or hell,  I can't even say that I hate her. She's like the most last person that I can hate. Hell... What can I do now? Nothing. that is all I can do. Nothing. I can't hate her and hell, I don't know. I don't know anymore. Maybe I deserve this. I'm hated by everybody. I knew it. But what can I do? Well, maybe I make her think that I hate her. But if it the best for her, then let it be that way. Let her hate me because I deserve that. She deserve someone much better than I am to be friend with. She deserve lots better. I'm just, you know... All I do is hurt her. I brought tears to her eyes, I even make  her life hell. I don't even deserve any forgiveness from her and hell, I don't deserve anything from her. Maybe it's time for her to go and find someone better. I'm just a burden to her life and I can't change for who I am. I hate the new me, but this is what I want to be. I choose this new me. I pretend like everything is okay because I'm through with people pitying me. telling me that they understand when they understand nothing, saying that everything will be okay when I'm clearly know that nothing will be fine.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I've bought her Nyanko-sensei plushies and some useful book that I think can help her going through her depression and suicidal thought. And I don't know how I'm going to give her these  item tomorrow. Maybe I'll stop by for short time after class and ask her mom to pass it to her. I don't know. or maybe if my mom or mak ulit or even uncle spone going there tomorrow *if there will be some party* Maybe I'll let them to pass it for me. I won't show up somehow. I mean, why the hell should I be there if I'm not even wanted, like sincerely wanted to be there? I'll be called a hypocrite for more if I did that. If this means the end of us, then let it be. As long as she's happy, then it's mean everything to me. I'll find the way to get through this. I'll be fine. This I can promise.

and then, that Saturday as well I found out that my brother is involving with another new bad cases. I'm not sure what it is but I know he is. I was reloading my mom phone and I saw a message from his friend saying like, "dude, I'm out of the stuff, I'll try to ask the other dude if he still got some. I'll tell him to save some for us," or something like that... and well, I didn't tell mum about the message because I can't let her worry anymore. And well, since she care too much about my brother, her motherly-instinct is right. She told me that she's suspecting him that he is indeed getting involve with something bad again. Well, there goes my happy ending. ahaha :D once a drug-dealer, always a drug-dealer, eh? and well, I'm readying myself to receive tantrums from mum again like before. like throwing all her anger about my brother to me, finding my mistakes and stuff. Heh, I can imagine it already. If it help her to be okay, then I'll accept the term and conditions. kekeke :) Well, umm.... not even good music can help me right now. except for Of Mice & Men since I really need the screams because it feel like Austin is defining my anger, hatred, the screams inside me... He representing it all. And I was thinking to tell Jon about everything but then again, I don't want to. She gone through a lot lately and I don't want to be burden to her. Even sis Lalan, I won't tell her anything anymore. I'll just keep pretending that I'm alright now, that i'm cool and awesome. Since that what I do best. I'm such a good pretender. hehehei :)

The deeper it get
The better I feel
The blood dripping along with the cold water
My eyes follows every drop 
As my mind went empty
I feel nothing
I feel numb
But I feel fine

My anger is gone
My sadness is gone
I'm all numb
But I'm alright

I hurt to many people
I've been a bad guy
This is the punishment 
That I deserve so badly

I can't stop
and I won't stop myself from hurting me
This is what I deserve
for all the sins I've done
to those I love the most
This is my punishment.

I'll let the world be fool
By this hypocritic smile of mine
No one should ever knowing
how hard it is for me to be fake

But if it bring good to them
let me be fake for a moment
if everything will be okay
let just see if I can even hold on
till that precious day to come.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)