Hello Again! It's been a week, i think? hahahaha yeah, things with schools are great but at home not so great. Well, it's great it just that *sighs* I'm not sure how should I put this. I mean, well... Some unexpected even had come and well, I don't know if it good or bad things but it's really big for me. Well, let's start with happy stuff first. hahahaha XD
SO, in my last post, I told you that I'm going to have 'Should anime be banned?' for my Public Speaking but I kinda change it to another topic which is, 'What should you do to survive Zombie Apocalypse.' ahahahahahaha I know! I'm just following my heart, okay? Plus, when I kinda think of this topic, I was thinking about ZOS: Zombie Outbreak Survivor. ya know, the one that sis Jaba did last few years back and I'm thinking like maybe I'll present this one as if I'm actually one of the workers in the zombie survival tips company something hahahahaha yes! I shall and I'm thinking to take the introduction of the story as my intro later mwahahahahaha XD Maybe I'll change a bit and add some more words. Yeah, I can't wait to present about it. hahahahahaha
and right now, I suppose to do my TITAS powerpoint but I kinda lost in the middle of doing it. It's like my brain is shutting down. So I end up changing my blog song and wala! I'm here hahahaha I need to focus though but it's kinda hard to focus here in my room. I've been spending almost all of my time in the room. I just don't feel like getting out of here yet. I want to but I just, I don't know. The old feelings is back. It's not a good sign, I know. I'm trying to fight it by the way. so, worry not! hahahaha
And uh, yeah well. I've been having a relapsed last few days ago. I've cut about 7 times on that night. I know because I still have the scars visible on my arm. hahahaha I didn't mean to, I mean, I do mean to but yeah, it just happen, okay? hahaha I didn't bleed that much though because I didn't cut that deep. And my mom kinda ask me about it, the day after cuz I forgot to cover it up hahaha and I kinda lie to her that I was playing with wild cat and it scratch me. But thankfully she believed me. If she knew I did it myself, she'll be more worry. Ah, speaking of worry, actually, the thing is that my dad are no longer working. He has been reach the point where he's not allowed to go to work anymore. So, I just feel responsible for this family, you see. Since my brother is useless.
The things that trouble me so much is that, I'm a full-time student but if dad is no longer working, but my stupid brother is still so active with his drug-addiction, I really need to find a job. Not that I'm saying that my parent doesn't have any savings, they do. They even have enough money to support my school financially. All I've gotta do now is to study the best I can, make them proud, getting good results and all that stuff. But I don't know man. I.... don't know if I can do this. What if fail? What if I can't graduates? What if?
My dad seems to put too much trust on me, too much pride about how I will make their life better one day. But what if that one day never came? because I fail to make them proud? Now I'm scared that I'll disappoint them. I'm scared that if I fail doing my best in my studies, they'll be paying for my studies for nothing. I know very well that right now, all I've gotta do is study, do the best I can, no more procrastinating and just focus making them proud.
It's so easy to say all of it. But it's really hard you know. I do have some great friends that helping me with my study so far. I depend on them, they depend on me. We're a great team. But I'm just not sure if I can do it. Things that we're currently studying is quite okay for me, I can do it quite okay as well. But, we can't predict the future right?
I know, they're not wrong for putting high hopes on me. I appreciate that. Really. I know this might be my callings, like sis Jaba told me. But I just feel so weak, so..... I don't know. I don't know what worries me actually., Clearly, I know what I should do and how I can do it. But this indescribable feelings that growing inside me it just making me doubting myself. I'm not sure what I'm actually feeling. I try to make myself cry ya know. But no, I can't cry hahahaha and it's really affecting my performance in studying because I keep on spacing out for no reason, I even cut myself because It's really reeally frustrating me. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I feel so........ *sighs*
Stupid feelings. I wish someone slapped my face so hard right now. But for some reasons, I'm honestly worry about everything. I don't mind about me anymore. That phase already in the past. I lived myself normally so far. It just this stupid feelings that coming in the way. I need a hug. hahahahaha
Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll update soon.
P.S: Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears
P.SOne. hehe: Logan Lerman is dating Alexandria Daddario. I'm sexy free and single HAHAHAHA