Hello there~! It's new year. Yep, it's already 2014 people~! XD hahahahaha it's beginning of something new. Yeah, well nothing much change though. Honestly, I think nothing is really change. hahahaha XD Everything still the same, except for the year and age and yeah, I've changed a bit in my appearance hehehe :D like, more piercing and dyed hair. Yeah, hahaha. Um... Well, I really wanted to say something happy here but I end up just using this blog to rant out my problems. hahahaha geez. I'm pathetic, I know. I know. You don't have to tell me something that I've known for so long hehehei. Yeah, as usual. I'll be just ranting around here today. *sighs* I'm sorry Mr.Bloggy. I can't promised you anything but I'll try to update something cheerful next time :)
So yeah. well, honestly said that I'm not feeling really great like everyday but today it just more. I don't know why, but I'm just having that feeling of crying. I feel so weak and i feel its so freaking hard to breathe. I did cried but right now, my chest just felt tightened and I can't even cry hahaha. Well, I'm not really sure what I'm really feeling right now. I'm just feeling... useless? I feel like apologizing for everyone for existing. I mean, well. Yeah, like you can tell now... I feel like no one really cares for me and it was all me who cares about them. And honestly, I've cried like this too last few days and well, I ended up cutting myself again. Uh, relapsed. I don't want too but the more I fight the urge, the more I feel I needed to cut myself. Well, I guess I'm just weak. I can't even say no to the temptations. I'm just pathetic. and I'm a failure too. *sighs* why am I even exist?
And then, there's my parent. My mom to be exact. I know that she's been stressed because of my stupid brother and well, I don't know why but in this few days, my mom seems to purposely finding my mistakes and well, I can sense that she think that I dislike to be with her. Honestly, it's not what I'm doing. Well, I did locked myself in my room all day and barely spoken to her. But then, i'm just doing it because I don't want to burden her more with my problems. She had enough with her own and my idiotic brother's. I mean, I just don't want her to stress even more. But lately, I realized that she might think that I'm well... I don't want to be with her because of the way I'm repelling her presences. And I know that she's blaming me for doing it. I take the blame with open heart because I realized it's really is my fault. I shouldn't do that you know. But then, I'm a grown up. I need my privacy too. I can't always be together with her. I do loves her and I know that she's miserable right now because of my brother but what can I do? I'm pretty much fucked up myself. I can't even help myself. how can I help her? Sometimes it really hurt me when I saw her puffy eyes but I'm just useless. I don't know what to do. All I ever did until today is running away from the reality that is in front of me. All i'm good at is running away. Yeah, now you can see why its my fault afterall.
I don't really deserved a good mother like mom. I don't deserved to be adopted by good person like her. I'm just another burdened. I think it's much more easier for her and dad if I never exist after all. I mean, less person to worry, right? They can just focus more on fixing my stupid brother.
And yeah, honestly said. I'm pretty much feel like I don't belong in this house. I feel like being neglected. None of people in this house ever ask me how I'm really feeling, what I've been doing and how's my school going. They don't really care why I'm skipping meals sometimes, why I have this red mark on my wrist and everything. They just never did. Honestly, the first time I cut was to release myself from emotional pain, and the second time I cut, I just want some attention from people, especially my parents. But hell, I was throwing myself into the pit of hell hahaha. no one cares. no one really cares.
All my parent ever said to me is that to tell me to work hard on my grades, get a better jobs, continue my course to degree level, must listen to them, always obey their commands, being a perfect daughter. No, mom, dad. I can't do that. I'm not perfect, I never be perfect. And then, there this one part where my parents broke their promises. Always did. I'm tired of promises yet I always so naive to hope that they going to make it come true sometimes. Like once, I remember it like it was just yesterday when my dad told me that I can take whatever course I want after I finished my diploma in accounting, the course they chose for me. And now, they want me to continue degree in accounting. What? don't they know that it's hurt me so much? I mean, I don't even like accounting but I struggle hard to pass every semester because of the empty promises they make. It's hurt me so damn much. I feel like my dream is crashed into million pieces. But who cares? Who cares how important that little useless dream of mine to me? no one cares. I'm just tired living like this. I know that I may not be abused or having physically tortured. But this, this hurt too. Emotionally hurt makes you go insane you know. You don't even know what you want anymore. All you want to do is I don't know, give up?
I'm so fucked up. I avoid my best friend, I cut connection with everyone, I just.... Well, I just thought that they don't deserve to have connection with some fucked up bitch like me. They deserved someone better for sure. I don't want people to know how fucked up I am, I don't want them to know what I'm going through, I'm just.... well, I just want them to look up for me when they're feeling down like "Hey, if pgie can be happy and laugh all the time, maybe I can too,." It doesn't matter anymore if I'm hurt deeply. As long as people around me is happy, then it's really okay. I know, hurting like this make me feel so down, just like right now but yeah....I choose this.
And sis Jaba. Well, I think everything is okay for her now. I mean, her relationship with her family. I mean, I can see that they're getting closer now. I'm happy for her though but well, honestly I'm a bit envious with them. I remember once she told me that her parent sung together at the kitchen and well, it's romantic though. I wish my parent would do the same. And then, there are time she told me that her dad tells her stories about ghosts. I wish my dad or mum would share me something like that too and there also time she told me that her dad suddenly pats her head, I want my parents to do it to me too, without reason or with reason, either way is fine. I sounds really jealous right? hahaha yeah, that's how pathetic I am. hahahaha and then when we just got back from KL trip, since we're going to Jaba's place first, I saw Inut ran out from their house just to hug her. Me? I don't even get a simple 'welcome back' from mom. heh. I don't feel at home. honestly. But I guess it's wrong for me to say it like this. I feel like I'm demanding so much. *sighs*
What's the use if I can have everything materialistic if I can't even have warmth from parents? Hell, don't say warmth, my parent even barely talk to each other. Even if they talked, they only talked about my brother or money. I don't think they ever talk about me. It's my fault though, I never get out of my room anyway. I'm just lazy daughter who did nothing but online and watching anime all day. That's what my parent think of me. They don't even try to reach out for me. It's not that they didn't see it, they just don't want to understand it. Man, I can't stop crying right now hahahaha geez. It's 5 a.m and I'm not even sleepy. mom is going to kill me later for wake up late. hahahaha ugh.
I'm tired. So freaking tired. Right now I just want to cut myself again but I'm afraid that if I cut at the same place, people will immediately noticed it. Well, it's not like they care but well....*shrugs* We'll see. Like Jaba said to me once, if I want to cut it's up to me. Because it was my own desire to cut. If I ever felt sorry for breaking promises, I should apologize to myself. Well, in short, she was indirectly tell me that its useless telling anyone or making anyone as your reference to keep breathing. In the end, you have to deal with everything yourself. In the end, there's no one else but yourself. I guess she's right. And well, that's why I never tell anyone about my problems anymore. I can't let them in anymore. I'll just pretend that everything is okay whenever I'm with them and well break down again in the night time. Faking a smile won't hurt them but myself. So, just consider this as a punishment for myself for lying to them hehehe :)
So, I guess that's all. I think I should try to sleep hahahaha XDD
Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)