I'm sorry for being lazy-bump but well, not really sorry hahaha :D anyway, I'm feeling in the best mood today unlike my other days where I have to fake my laugh, pretending that I'm not annoyed with every small things hahaha yeah, it's pretty hard to do but when you did it very often, you'll get used to it and sometimes, it just become part of you. You wouldn't know anymore if it you pretending or it's really is you. Well, I want to be the real me you know. It's not too late for everything. I wanna change. I want to be able to express out what I really feel; what I like and what I dislike. It's okay to hurt people sometimes. We lived to be hurt. It's more tiring to please people. It is time for us to stand up for ourselves. It's not going to be easy and some people will not like it but what do I expect? Nothing is never easy. I'm worn of pleasing people and being used. I'm tired of doing something I don't like and I'm so freaking tired of complaining. Who cares if they don't like me? I'm just being me, right? If they don't like me if I'm starting be me, then that's mean they never really like me.
But the real problem here is that; I don't really know who I am. hahahaha yeah, that's the real problems. It's like, sometimes I think I'm brave but actually I'm a coward. Sometimes I think I'm strong but honestly I'm just the weakest person ever. Sometimes I think I'm not much of a talker, but honestly I talked a lot.
So, it's pretty confusing. Sometimes, I feel like I'm cool but I'm just a loser. So yeah... hahahaha But I don't want to be a loser though. I want to be the best I can. Well, I want to beat my old self. I want to beat me in my grade, my attitudes, my everything. I wanna be the right person for my parent. I don't wanna be emo-self that always looking down at myself, I want to start over. It's never too late to start over. Like people said, "New day, new beginning."
I want to be stronger that I used too, I want to have stronger faith towards me and our Father. I want to lessen my self-depreciating and I wish not to dwell myself too much about my weight or the fats on my butt and my stomach. I want to be able to feel how it's feels like to be confident and accept yourself as you are. I'm not a super model, I don't have to be pretty or anything. It's the knowledge that's count. And about love, I don't want to think about that first. I mean, I just want to focus on loving myself first and love those who is around me. Less hate, less complaining. Just enjoy the ride. I know, I've been saying that I hated my brother a lot. But well, and believe it or not. There this one quote from the bible which saying, "Love your enemies, and pray for those who prosecuted you," and it's like keep on lingering on my head and then I stumbled upon it few times in some social network. So, I'm taking it as a sign from Him. I'm going to try to forgive my brother and my dad, well. Not try, but will do my best to forgive them and accept them slowly. No matter what they've done, I'm sure they deserved all the forgiveness.
I want to be free.
Yes, I want to be free!
Not free, free like no value. hahahaha anyway. That's what my life goals now. hahaha :)
Anyway, I've been lurking in my Google Drive and I've read a few of my stories and man, cursed my old-self for not finishing all the stories god damn it. hahahaha XD I REALLY LOVE MY OWN STORY MY GOD. hahahaha I sound narcissistic but dude, seriously! hahahaha I really love some of the stories. Yeah, not all of it is my favourite I only have around 3 favourite out of 20 draft I saved in the GDrive. hahahaha
The first one is the Last Descendant. I'm sure I've said this before I think. hahahaha But dude~ I really love the story. I DEMAND FOR CHAPTER TWO hahhahahaha XD *sighs* My heart hurt hahahahaha and and there's another one, the emo story, I don't think I have the title sorted yet because in the draft, I named the doc as yehhhhhh HAHAHAHA shush, I'm very creative okay? hahahaha XD I think I have like 4 drafts for the same plot story but of all of the drafts, I like the very one. Ngh! I can feel the feelings! I don't care if people think otherwise but man, that was the best! I will try to work with that one day. Well, I guess I'll work with it when I'm having my end-year holiday YAY! hahahahahaha XD And then, there's this SEAMUS thing, the uh Nu ABO (new blood) and I think it's another Levedad's AU im writing hahahaha but that one cool too ya know. It's the best of the best gahhh! XDDD
But yeah, speaking of writing. I'm going to write and write and write my story even though no one will even bother have a peek on it, no matter how lousy my english is and how fucked up my grammar is. I just want to write for my future self. Like this! God! I'm soo mad at my past-self. Y U NO FINISH?! hahahahaha
*inhale*outhale* anyway, I'm so going to write hahahaha :) That's my mission.
Okay, so. My finals is around but I'm having one week study break so I'm not that worry hahahahaha I'll make sure I'll study for my finals this time. Since I'm starting my degree now, it's no more time for all play. I mean, I'm going to balance my time with work and play. I'll bring disgrace to my family if I keep on playing and playing. I'm getting rid of people who I don't think is necessary to be kept around because I want to be happy. I may sounds selfish, but dude. I'm doing it for my own. Well, of course, I'm only getting rid of those who I've been giving like 100 chances. hahahaha yeah, I realized that being the good guy eventually meaning "digging your own grave". But it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop being the good guy, I am still being the good guy but well, half-half I guess hahahaha :)
Oh Yuri, you're so sexy haahahaha *ahem* anyway, so.... I'm gonna have my life organized and move forward. Be strong and don't let anyone messing with me anymore because I'm sure that I'm better than this. I'm better than what I used to be and I can do whatever I want, and I know my limits is. I'm confident, I'm smart, I'm thoughtful, I'm eager to learn, I'm a good person, I'm strong, and I'm pretty cute hahahaha XD and not to forget, I love myself, I love my body, I love all the curves and weight is just a number; it doesn't define who I am. I am me and no one can tell me otherwise. I control my life because i can. It's my life and I'm free to live it however I want to.
Hah! I feel better hahahahaha
anyway, I gotta go now. So, I'll update soon~! Adieu <3
P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)