Well, hello there. I didn't have a great day today. It just things happen and I relapsed. Um, honestly, I started to relapse since yesterday and it just man... I'm just not sure anymore. Things are getting worst and worst everyday and even worst is today. I don't know if it a good news or a bad news. Hell, I don't even know what is wrong or right anymore. I'm not in the right mind, honestly. I'm losing myself.
Today, a pos laju stop by the house to post a letter from the anti-drug division (ya know what i mean? hahaha) to my idiot brother. They mentioned something about him didn't report himself for 2 years now and if he unable to show up soon, they're going to arrest him and he'll be imprisoned for 3 years. Um... Yeah, well I guess it's a good thing. I THOUGHT it was a good thing but dude, it wasn't that simple. my hand shaky hahaha I;m sorry. Um... Well, the thing is that. How my idiot brother reacted to the letter it just making my anxiety resurfacing you see and I'm itched to cut myself to calm my shit down. I don't want to lose control in front of my mom.
Plus, when I give him the money just now, he said something like, "Why the fuck is mom so fucking busy body, involving with those ADD shit?!" well, sort of. Um, I Just I don't know. I'm worried about mom ya know. Tomorrow I'll be in school for the whole day and she's alone. and possibly, that idiot will be home too and I mean, what if he's so angry about that letter and people gonna arrest him and he'll harm mom? what if he did something bad to her when I'm not around? I know that Mak ulit and they all there next door but what if that time there's no one at home and she's all alone with that fucker? just what if????
He's a fucking drug addict. I'm sure you're aware how aggressive and harmful they can be, right? Anything is possible. I mean, there's so many news about these shitty people harm people close to them. Some even dare to murder. I know I should think like this but I just can't help it.
Mom is sick right now and god. I'm seriously worried right now and it just god. I want to cry but I can't. My tears wouldn't come out. My chest feel so tight and I'm suffocated. I dont know anymore. My head is a mess, I'm a mess, I just want to cut the shit out.
And yesterday, also it was because of that fucker. I'm so fucking angry at him ya know. It's like, how in the fucking world can he treat mom like a slave like like he CALLED her, and told her to turn off the fucking wifi modem. I mean, that fucking modem is like IN FRONT OF HIS FUCKING DOOR. god. I just, EUGH.
He always treated mom like that, and yelled at her for no reason, blaming her for something she didn't do. OH MY GOD> I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY. EUGH.
I can't deal with him anymore. I really can't. I wish he died or rotten in jail or something. Just as long as he's not anywhere near me or mom or my family. But he's better off dead.