Forgive My Clumsy Brain Cells. It Can Be Real Jerks Sometimes

Oh hey~ *cough* i mean, greetings, humanoids. This will be a very short updates since I'm in the middle of studying actually. I have my fourth paper today which is Human Resources. I won't say its pretty easy nor it is hard to study, well its depends on my brain actually whether it can remember everything i'm trying to study right now or it will poof just like farts hehehei~

But anyway, not important for now. Well, you see... Last few days ago or should i say for the last whole month ago, i was having a very bad depression that i eventually having my paranoia on top of my head that i thought i can never survuve it. I mean, seriously. I'm barely hanging on you see. I keep on seeing the world aroud me in negative ways and maybe... Well, or i'm pretty sure that i've hurts numberes of people's feelings. Yeah, quite a selfish act, i must say.

So, in regard for that... I want to make an apology for those people i've hurt. You guys have nothing to do with it and it just me having some kind of downfalls whoch caused by my scumbag brains. Ugh. Sometimes I really wish i can mute the voices behind my head you see. If i'm weak, if i don't have enough strength to keep on living, i think i'm losing for them. I mean, they're very manipulative. But they're useful sometimes :)

I'm out of topic. Hahaha anyway*cough* i'm very much sorry about what i've said or technically, typed. Especially my last two post which i blame some people for something but that thing doesn't really matter actually. What pass is passed. I mean come on, we're all make mistakes and seriously, i can't even keep some secret up for too long okay? I'm a promise breaker myself. So, since it was my own fault, i'm very sorry, i really do and i really mean it. I'm sorry for, maybe my words were to harsh on you guys and i don't know what i was thinking that time. I don't think i even thinking right about the consequence that time. Anger took over me. Anger of being found out that i was sharing the secret with you guys which i was told not too.. ( see, i'm a secret breaker myself) I was mad at myself to be honest. Not you guys but i must say that i admit that i actually did make a twisted story over there, which is even though i said i didn't blame you guys but the words i'm typing were actually did. But really, you see. I don't intend to blame you guys. It just, hmmm... How to say this. I was just shock with the news my mom told me and anger filling me and tearing me apart. I'm started to feel that i was betrayed. Well, i believed i was. Hahaha seriously. Nonsense. But in this couple of days, i'm resorting back everything and i found that i was wrong all along. No one betrayed my trust, no one have done bad for me. It was me all along. Well, at least that part i was right hehehe and yeah, my paranoic-juice were spilling my brain that time that it had over controlled more than half of my positicity. Thank God. He again saved me from seeing lies that my brain have let me see. Really.

And seriously. I'm very much sorry about this matter man. I mean it. I'm sorry that I might have given you hard time, puzzling that complicated brains of yours. I'm sorry that if my stupid clumsy paranoic brain has make you feel guilty for nothing and make you feel worthless. I have no intention to make you feel bad dude. You are one of the important person in my life and also the best dude i ever had since forever. I know that i have making you feeling bad like this for like dozens time now i think. I understand that if you are hesitate to forgive me this time but i just want you to know that I'm very sorry. O can't say it when i'm facing you because i admit that i'm a coward. Because i'm the guilty one. So, i hope that you would stumble with this post and read it. So you will know that i'm sincerely sorry for what i've done. I won't ask you to forgive me though since i know that i have deserve enough forgiveness from you from the past that i feel like i don't deserve any for now.

I'm very sorry, dude. I mean it.

Fuck My Trust On People. Just Fuck It. Damn.

I'm just tired of bullshit of where the fuck is "Oh, we won't tell a shit to anybody about this shit?" where the fuck is that fucking promise, man? I trust you people to keep it as a secret and you guys eventually tell others about it even after i fucking told you not to? what the fuck?

Well, congratulations! you destroyed my fucking trust that I put on you people. I guess I'm just trusting to easy heh? I should have known about this earlier that I should never fucking trust or tell a shit about what had happen to my brother. I'm just so fucking fed up with this shit. I trust you... I fucking trust you to keep it as a secret. Why would you do this to me? why the fuck, man? why?

I know that my brother is a bitch and he's iynvolves with drugs and shit. and that stuff is not what you should said or tell. I remembered that I've told you not to tell a soul about it even if it your parents. I mean it dude. Why?

I guess telling you guys about that shit is the worst decision ever. I regret that I've you about it and don't ever wish that I've told you anything anymore. I'm fucking done. Seriously. Its not like you don't know hows your parent. I'm not trying to talk bad things about them, but once they knew about something, there's a chance the whole world will know about it and it will bring disgrace to my family. Don't you ever get it? that is the fucking reason I don't want you to tell any shit about my brother to them. Well, maybe you guys refer everyone to judge my brother and talk bad shit about him. I know my brother has making a fucking dumb mistake. but he's change man. And now.... I don't know. I guess I'm just trusting the wrong person. You can't even keep a simple promise. I'm sorry man. I'm just... done.
But all in all. I can't blame you for this. This is my own fucking fault for can't even keep my fucking mouth shut. I guess I deserve all the blame for telling when I was told I shouldn't be doing that. Thank you. Now everyone hates me and judge me. Thank you.

Now my mom interrogating me and I don't know, maybe the whole family that knows about it will try to make me tell the truth.

I'm sorry.


I need sometimes to convince people that i'm fine with this fake smile :)
And i shall say with this bright fake smile of mine that "I'm feeling just fine. I never felt so awesome like this"

Mental Breakdown but I'm fine. I promise.

Greetings, humanoids. I'm here again. Woohoo~ hahahaha Well, I was actually thinking of doing some revision just now but then I decided to update bloggy first because I keep on being distracted by shitty stuff that I can't let out of my mine hahahaha I know~ I'm so stressed by all of it. I just couldn't stop thinking about negativity no matter what I do, I just couldn't. Its seems to be permanent inside of my head. kekeke well, hopefully not. If it is, I don't know what would happens to me next though. hehehe. Let's stay positive on life, eh?
And yeah, well... Not much stuff happening lately, just some mental breakdown and feeling left out a bit and seems like no one even care if I'm alive or not. ahahaha I'm just like. here. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm here with them but they just could sense me. I'm just there. hahahaha :D or in other word, I'm invisible. Wooohoo~ hahahaha XD its not nice to be invisible though. I mean, invisibility suck. well, I do like it sometimes since I'm much more of a loner thing. hehehe but yeah, when it came to this, it just suck man. I just can't really express it into word on how bad it is. I just can say, it's suck a lot. Anyway, I'm having bad and good news to tell here and one of the bad news is I haven't study for my finals at all. And it's gonna be next week and yeah, i'm dead. hahahaha XD seriously, I don't feel like studying at all. I mean, with all this shitty things coming into my head lately, I just can't do anything. Even blogging. I just don't feel to do anything at all for now. I'm just like. "Whatever, fuck it. I'm going to fail anyway," hahaha yeah, not funny i know. But really.. I just can't find any motivation to boost up myself anymore. I feel like I'm letting go of myself. I'm just tired I guess.

And, uh... let's start with the good news. hehehe :) Well, my brother is back now and I have faith that he's going to be a better person, a good and responsible brother and a father to shawn. I have faith that he can take care of my parents and pay all his debts to them. and I do believe that he's never going to choose the same dark paths again. Well, I just keep on believing in him like I used too. that's what I suppose to do as a sister to him, right? I just hope that everything will gets even better in my family though. I mean, I hope everything will gets better for my parents. Me? I don't really care about my feelings anymore. I mean, nothing ever gets better on me. hehehei, in facts, it's getting worsened especially every time I feel like trusting people, and eventually, that person would destroyed that trust I put in them and I have feelings that I'm getting even stupider every day. I don't know why but seriously, why in the world am I still forgiving those who have hurts me so much? why am I still wanted to be with them even when I knew they only needs my presence when they have no one else? why? I keep on asking about this. Why am I born stupid? Oh wow, I'm out of track. ahahaha sorry..

uh, back to my bro. He's um... well, he's better now, he's healthy and so far so good. hehe. just that my mum... she's seems to care more towards my brother. I mean, psshhh... of course she cared him more because she doesn't want him to go back again to that shitty stuff. I know that but I could feel that she's care too much that making me felt left out. you know what I'm saying? Well, maybe It just me but seriously. I can't help it but to feel this way. she was like, all about my bro and she eventually making me feel like I'm not there. I was there it just that she don't see me anymore. She only see my brother. I don't hate ,my brother, I love my brother and I love my mom too but it just, *sighs* well, like I said, maybe its just me after all. I don't want to blame anyone else about anything anymore. I've been there and then I found that everything falls apart all because of me. So, I'll just put all the blame on myself though since its seriously coming from my fucked up brains :)

Lately, I'm very tempted to cut my wrist and I don't know why. I sounds like making things up eh? I know... that's why I was actually thinking few times whether to write about this or not because I don't want people to think that I was making this stuff up so that I can get their attentions. But a little voice from the back of my brains whispered to me that I should say this so I could feel better after getting everything out of my head. Well, not everything, part of it. hehe :)
Honestly, I'm struggling so hard to not drawn into cutting. You see... I don't know how to say this but my wrist feel so itchy and I'm so freaking tempted to cut and see the bloods flowing from my veins. I'm just. Oh god, I think I'm crazy. hahaha but seriously, I don't want to do it. I don't want to. Even if I do it, my life won't gets better. and no one would still care somehow. So, I'll just hurt myself in vain. I can't afford that. I'm already is hurt too much mentally, I can't hurt myself physically now. hehehehe :) I know that people only care about someone like me when I'm dead. Seriously, that time, they'll say "Oh, how I wish I was there when she's dying," or even better words they would say, "I know her like forever and now she's gone. Why you have to leave us now? so selfish of you!" heh. then, where are you guys at when I'm still breathing? when I need someone to lean on? when I need hugs? Aren't you selfish yourself? It just fucked up you see. Everyone will start to love and care about you when you're gone from their life. When they know you'll never come back, then they realized how much they loves you. I can't help it but to agree with this. I mean, it's obvious. Sometimes, something like this really make me wants to do suicide but then, maybe I'm too stupid that I care too much about people around me. I keep telling myself that suicide won't worth it, you'll hurt your parents, everyone will get so upset and you'll make things worst. can you believe that? I keep telling myself not to hurt everyone around me when actually those people are the one who make me have this suicidal thought. I'm just dumb I guess.

*sighs* anyway, let's stop with those suicide thing. hahaha I won't do it, no matter what. So, don't worry. Okay, ummm.. next things I'm gonna say is about sis Inut... She's already married. Woohoo~~ I just knew about this from sis Jon. Well, if sis Jon didn't tell me about it, then i would never know anything about this since no one tell me. hehehe well, like I said. I'm just some unimportant dude of the family, you see. I'm just you know, just there and only appear before their eyes when they needed something from me. I don't think they even remember my name or even my existence in the family. But yeah again. Never mind, at least I know now. Well, just to say congratulations to sis Inut and her husband. May have lots of cute kids and be happy till forever. I mean it :)
And then... oh ya... I lost contact to sis Jaba like literally. I  was stopping looking out for her because you know why ( i don't want to write the same thing all over again ) and she was like, "Okay, whatever." Well, honestly said. I think her life is much better without me looking out for her. I mean, seriously. She seems to have more fun without me and I always see her in Tumblr and she have a very lively fun chat with her new friends but don't even bother to talk to me. Well, couldn't blame her though. I mean, it really are fun to talk to someone new. I love talking to someone new myself. Well, again I should say this, maybe it just me who think all negative like this. I mean, come on. I'm always negative hehehe :) I just... I don't know. the voices in my head keep on telling me that she's actually never even care about me. You know, not just her, everybody. They all just pretended that they care when they actually not. And the most hurtful I've heard about her is that one time, sis Jon told me that when she was texting with sis Inut last time and she ask her that why they're not coming for a visit to our house anymore and sis inut told her that sis Jaba is rather go on the internet, chatting than spending time like we used to before and that time. God. I'm seriously you know. poof... I'm all gone.  hahaha but then as usual, I immediately change the topic though, I don't want to be seen by sis Jon, how much that news hurt me. Well, truth hurts :) At least I know now that I'm not important to her. for all this time, I guess I'm right. I was the only one who felt that they are important and means something to me and I'm just some meaningless dude for them : *shrugs* I can't do anything about that though. Oh well.

<---- this baby girl is my only hope for now, aahahahaha yesh, she always lightened my life whenever I feel down. her cuteness is just too amazing. Just that, she's too naughty hahaha :D Oh well, she's too adorable, so her naughtiness in means nothing. kukuku XD

And right, speaking of truth hurt. Last time, I was borrong Lalan's phone when I was pooping hehehe since my phone was no battery. So, I was like listening to her playlist and enter one folder to another and then I came to her images folder. So, looked inside la. Then I was so fucking surprise seeing all the pictures she took with her so-called-besties, Lynn. Well, if it just overly make-up, I don't mind. but the thing is, they have this couple of pictures where they wore something so slutty, so cheap, so.... god, i don't know. Got one picture, they took together where this bitch lynn wore only bras and panties and I'm like what the fuck? Seriously. I was like What the fuck? why need to snap something so slutty like that? Thank God that lalan didn't dressed up in something like that. She just wore something so short, that the t-shirt only covers her bust and short pants. Heh. gosh... I don't know what is going on with my sisters anymore. And there goes some lies that lalan told me when I was looking at all the pictures. She told me that she don't wear contact lenses but the fact is, she is. But pshh.... I'm not saying that she should tell me everything. No~ but at least, when people asking, she should just said yes, not often. I mean come on. Why being so hypocrites like that? I mean, why can't she dressed nicely when going shopping with the rest of us like she dressed up when shopping with her friends? why don't she just be herself when with us? Why? why she have to be so fucking pretentious like that? Why?

That's why I said. I'm not an important dudes in the family. No one dare to tell me anything. maybe because I look so untrustworthy. ahahaha :D And yeah, there are so much things happen to me lately and I'm losing interest to keep going about the bullshit. Besides, no one even care though. I sometime tries to reach for someone out there but then again, no one cares. They just pretend that they care but actually they're not. Maybe I should just stay shut up and pasted this awesome smile on my face, because I'm awesome. hehehe and well, I'll be fine somehow. If I can get through last few years, I can get through this too :)
I have myself and I'm still strong to hold on. I have... you know stuff to do and I guess, I'll be studying as hard as I can so that I can go somewhere far away from here. Yep. I think its the best option though. Away from everybody. I don't think anyone would need me here anymore. I guess, I'm making the right decision, telling mum that I wants to further my degrees somewhere overseas. I haven't decides where yet but I guess, the further, the better. Everyone would be happy and it's gonna be happy ending for everyone, and I'm hoping for happy ending for myself too. This is my last solutions. I'll just leave them, because I think this is the least I can do to make them happy. I'm just their burdens.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

I'm in love with this guy. kekekeke XD his name is Josh Fontaine but he's a year younger than I am T^T haahahaha XD oh well, he's cute :)

Friendship That I Thought Won't Last.

Greetings, humanoid.
Today, I'm going to talk about the friendship I once thought was lost. Well, you see I was wrong. Completely wrong. I thought these girls would leave me and we can't be together like we used to. But that's all was wrong. In fact, we still can be together like we used to in high school. Nothing change between us to be honest. Just that we couldn't find time to spend together anymore. Well, you know. Our timetables are so freaking different from each other. Plus, we're studying at different schools.

Well, of course. We had numbers of fights before but then we eventually come back together again and act like nothing happens. Heh, crazy no? Well, that's friendship. But if we never fought, then I don't think we can still be friends today. Honestly, I just wanna say that I'm glad that I met this three beautiful girls and if I had a chance, and courage, I just want to take a brief moment, just to thank them for staying beside me, and be my friends until today. Even though we're like so rarely contacting with each other, sometimes, it will be like few month we're not going to see each other, I still can feel that they are there for me. Even when they're be with someone else, I know they are with me. I'm just glad you know. I never realized how special our friendships are until today.

We barely know each other and we might very lack of interaction between one another, but honestly, I can be myself when around these girls. I don't have to pretend to be someone that I'm not. They are accepting me as I am. I mean, you know quite well that I'm a toothless hehehe. Well yeah, I've told them and they're like Whoa~~ is it hurt? ahahaha I thought they're going to make fun of me you see and then would eventually break our friendship because they're shy to be friend with some toothless girl like me. hahaha XD
but they're just/. Okay whatever.. hahaha you know what I'm saying? hmmm... well that, I'm glad too :)

And honestly I said that there are time that I kind of disliking them, not all of them. only one of them. you know who. hahaha but then again, I thought that there is no reason for me to keep disliking her. I mean, no matter how bad I treat her, she's still staying. No matter how many text I didn't reply, she still there. I feel bad sometimes you know. Because she doesn't know why I'm treating her that way, so basically it's my fault for not telling what I dislike about her. hahaha Oh well, she'll know one day. Let others tell her about it. kekeke I have no heart to tell her.

We're so different from many aspects, mentally or physically. But that differences, maybe that's what make us still staying together until today. Well, maybe it just me who think this way, but doesn't matter though because I'm very glad that I knew them at the first place. I'm glad that I have a special group of people in my life and make me feel completed. I mean, I already have the most loving family in the world and now they're filling in the part which is the greatest friends of my life.

So, conclusion. I would love to cherish our friendship till the end of my breathes. I really do thanked them for staying by me for all these years. I think there is no other people can replace them in my heart. Thank you for the friendships. I shall cherish it forever.
and yeah, when I'm typing this.. I'm telling story like I'm going to leave forever hahahahaha seriously. I mean, the fuck? why all the sudden? ahahahaha oh well, for sure. I'm not gonna die. I haven't meet with my favourite celebrities yet. kekekeke :D Plus, I have final exams next two weeks. hahahaha XD
okay then, I shall sleep now.
Good morning

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

Another Story O.O

Greetings again, humanoid. Well, i think i'm feeling much better now since well, you see I've started to write another story. Ahahaha kill me for that but i can't help it. New ideas keep on attacking me you see and i just can restrains myself anymore if i do, my head might explode due to the excessive unwritten ideas kekeke :3 anyway, this time i'm writing a vampiric story but it's more of a love story. So basically i'm just combining my favorite subject and my main writing genre. Hehehe :3 i got this ideas after watching twilight and hotel Transylvania. Yeah, well some of Bram Stoker's dracula and of course the Dark Shadow movie hehehe yeah, i've been watching quite a numbered of vampiric movie lately.

Umm... Back to the main point... Well, this story is about ally (again, i know heehei) spending her summer with her brother Matthew in small town named Denzel. Her brother is a personal lawyer for Sir Dmitri, the oldest resident of the town which Allison believes to be a vampire.. *wink2* and he has a son, which namely as Zach. Not Zack. Note that kekeke :3
She uhh... Well, i was thinking that to make both Ally and Zach have feelings for each other, i mean like crushing... Zach would show his feeling but Ally... Well, typical ally of course hehehe :3 and uhh... Well, i also thought of making Zach as one of the famous playboy in le school. *he start schooling just like other kids la, like telling le school that he just moved in or homeschooled before this, ya know... Common sense*

And, ummm... He always get the girl he wanted or any girl that he feel like kissing and then just leave them like that... Ya know... Playboy... But he umm... Kind of having an epic fail when trying to seduce Allison which make him felt like uhh... How to say this... Uhhh... Challenge... Ha... He just couldn't predict Allison because she just so different with al the girls that he ever dated. So, he's like... Maybe she's the one i'm looking for.....

At the same time. He already have umm... Fiancee named Ruby... Ruby ruby ruby rubeyyyy~ hahaha kaiser chief XD and uhh... And yeahh... I think you know the rest. Hahahahaha i mean, pshhh... It ao easy to predict the ending. But i have teo kind of endings for this one, and i might choose either one. Obviously... Haahahaha or maybe i'll combine both ending ahahahahaha XD if possible kekeke XD

Well. Actually i don't want to write or think of the ending first because i don't want this story to end up like my Changing Your World. Yeah, i've wrote down the whole draft on a piece of paper before and BOOM! I lost interest to write it since i already know the ends hahahahahaha fuck me right? I knowww~~~ i hate myself for that~ T^T so thats all i can think of for now ehehe

Actually, i'm in my economic class right now hehehehe so, i shall come back again tonight if i have the mood to return :3

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

Nan Mollaseyo :3

Greetings, humanoids :)
I'm still feeling the same and nothing seems to be working out to make me get through this shit. in facts, it's getting worst hahahaha blame me for that though. it's all because of me. i don't know why but ummm...i just don't know. oh well, i'll get through this eventually. relax~ i always do :)
so,  yesterday i was going to do my homework and i did forced myself to do it but i can't motivate myself to do even some of it. i just able to write the questions ahaha and plus what concern me the most now is that my group assignment which due tomorrow. i don't want to let my teammates down you see. i really need to do my part but i just can't. i feel so helpless, so unmotivated. you know ehat i'm saying? i feel like i have no reason to be here anymore. i can't sort out what the exact words but yeah. its feel like it. nawww~ i never want to ends my life okay? i'm too fabulous to commit suicide kekeke XD still, sometimes i have the thought that it is the only way but then something always stop me from doing it. likemy mom  suddenly go all goody-goody to me and cook my favorite dishes for dinner... something like that... and sometimes, when i'm feeling so down to the earth crust, my playlist suddenly played some encouraging songs, gospel songs like they want me to keep on living and never give up. so in other word, i'm struggling to live right now because i feel loved by these kind of thing. they're not living things, except my mom of course, but it just that they can make me feel okay you see. i don't know how to put this but music really do help me get through this shitty reality i'm having. music inspires me to keep moving forward. Sounds like i'm making things up eh? Hahaha i know! I don't believe it either. I feel like i'm living in nightmares :3 but honestly, what i really need now is an escape. A place that i can be all by myself, listening to my favourite tunes, doing all my favourite stuff like drawings, sketching, colouring... Stuff like that... In my head there is no shitty things going on, everything just so peaceful, every time i take a breath, all i'm feeling is happiness and gratefulness. The feeling of freedom and gladness. Smiling all through out the day... You know what i'm saying? Yeah its a total paradise, you see :) but i know i never can have it unless i'm going to Heaven which is i'm so far away from that place kekeke :3 hmm.. Oh well :)

I keep telling myself "it's just life. Life is like a roller coaster, sometimes we're high up in the sky but sometimes there are moment where we kissing the ground. Everything is falling apart but it's just for temporary, so keep moving forward, happiness is waiting at the end of the line" yeah. This is what make me still holding on till today :) you see, i'm quite grateful that i still have positivity within me and i always try to help myself to stand back on my feet when everyone seems to leave me behind. This because i feel like no one ever stand beside me when i  need them the most. in fact, they don't even noticed that i need somebody to be with. so i think that, maybe its better if i help myself up and not depending on others. But i wonder, how long can i help myself doing this? I hope it will be forever though well at least until i can guarantee that my big brother can take care of mom and dad well. It just something concern me a lo lately. What if one day i'm not going to be strong enough to hold on and end myself before i knew he could take care of them? Heh... Shussshhh... I better not speak of this anymore. Hahahaha it's worthless. Its not like i'm having the courage of killing myself anyway ahahahaha XD forgive me for that suspense :3

Right! Remember when i said that i won't make any first attempt in making the first comversation with sis Jaba? Well, i lied. Yeah. I've read her updates on her blog and i think that maybe she need to be comfort more than i am though. I mean, pshh... My problem is nothing though. Besides i can settle this on my own. So i think that maybe i should just forget it and will stay as the first speaker as usual. Besides, she's really important to me though and seeing her down and stuff really making me feel lots worst you see. She's both a sister and a best friend to me and very dear to me though. Well, maybe she doesn't feel the same towards me but it doesn't matter though as long as she's regaining herself back to her self hyper and funny self, thats matter the most to me. I'm not trying to be a saints in this but its true. I guess its really will end of our relationship if i don't do it though hehehe :) Oh well... Let just think that she's more social awkward with me than with those role-players on tumblr because i'm too fabulous hahahaha :3 but then i think that, she still okay though and she can get through all the negative thoughts if she fight for it because at least she still have sis inut to talk with and to enlighten her mood a bit and she can make sis inut as her motivation to keep on moving forwards. I mean, sis inut always there for her though even no matter how busy she's with her love one, she make time for sis Jaba. Me? I have no one to talk to or to make me feel better but if you counted 9gagger, then yeah. I have kekeke XD i can't opened up to everyone else even mom or even sis Jon. I lost trust on everybody. Maybe the real fault is really on me hahahaha yeah, i'm the one at fault though kekeke since i can't be opened up with other on how i'm feeling~ oh well. Its not like they would give a fuck about it though :3
Yeah. Well. Sometimes i think that i'm born to comfort others and not to be comforted. Because i notices that every time i need someone, everybody seems to be running away from me. That i have to deal with all this shit all by myself. But yeah... Maybe this happens because people are scared of my fabulousness kekekeke XD oh well, whatever. I have myself to be with and i have my Father to take care of me and my lovely Guardian Angel to protect me though :)  i'll be fine in no time now :3

Even today i feel much better... :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Another bullshit? hahaha XD just kidding. I can't think of any creative title.

Greetings, humanoid :)
Yes~ that cutie can light up my world you see. She meant the world to me. Well, not just her, there also Shawn my little nemesis. ehehe :D but since she's now reaching 1 years old, she doesn't really like to play with me anymore like we use too it's kind of hurting me a bit:( ahahaha but yeah, I forced her to play with me though. SHE MUST PLAY WITH MAMA NGENG~ hahahaha XD

Anyway, today I have my accounting test and TETT~ I die in action. hahahaha I seriously don't know what the fuck is written on the questions. I mean, everything look so alien to me. hahahaha well. I did some of it but I don't know if I did correctly and both questions, I ended up with emoticons (O.O and T^T) ahahahaha oh well, seriously. I don't think I can make it. oh well, whatever. what past is past. kekeke XD

Uh.... My life has nothing interesting going on. I'm still the same reserved person as usual and now I'm more of locking myself away from the crowds and drowned in my own fantasy, listening to musics and even instagramming, I'm no longer fond with that shit anymore. hahaha :) Well, I don't know. Nothing excites me you see. I just... hmm... Oh well, I'll just keep looking ahahaha oh ya! I lied about that. Actually in this few days, I'm more of watching movies. I always spend time to watch some random movies. hahahaha yeah I have bunch of unwatched movies in my locker and I think I'm going to watch some... maybe later or maybe next week. I need to deal with my HR assignments and tutorials first though. Plus, I'm currently worried about my Finance Group Assignment. I think my group members doesn't even move their asses out on dealing with it. Well, I don't either because hell I don't know anything about it. ahahaha XD seriously. But for now, I'm gonna deal with HR first. Easy work first la ehehei~

And... uh what else? Um..... Right. Uh.... In this few days, I've been thinking that maybe everything that happens to me like the paranoia, depressions, negative thoughts, insecurities... all that happens to me because of me. I mean like, maybe it just all me that made that all out and thought negatively about people around me. I don't know why but I feel like it was just me though. It all come from my scumbag brains and it keep telling me to try to fit in with the other kids. Seriously, brains? you think it fucking easy to do that? People only looking for me when they need something, I can't afford that anymore okay? I just... come on. I'm not a slave and I'm not that really want to fit in. I mean, I NEVER CAN FIT IN with those pretty, confident, and smartass boys and girls. I'm just me.

Yep. Seriously. My brain keep telling me this and its really killing me slowly from the inside. I'm confused. I even sometimes found myself mingling with those classmates of mine even when my other self say no. I... I guess that I'm really are stupid. A stupid one who wants to fit in even when she knew she never can. ahaha Pathetic.

Ahh~~ I just hate myself. ahahaha Oh well.... and last time, when I was on tumblr, I saw this post from one of those I followed on my dashboard. She posted that she was telling everyone that she's fat and she doesn't even have that thigh gap and her stomach is big. she also said that her weight it 93lbs (45 something Kg) unlike before which is on 70 something. And then I'm like, seriously? If she have my weight, she's definitely going to kill herself. I'm 67.8 kg, I have this big butt that I always hate so much but I pretend that I love it with all my heart, I have no thigh gap that sometime I feel like puking whenever I wore that tight jeans or shorts. It just make me fat even more. I feel like hiding wholeself under the blanket all the time. And then plus, I have this weird body shape I mean come on! she's beautiful enough okay? why don't she feel grateful with what she got? i just don't understand people. Tell me I'm just some ignorant bitch but its true. I mean, her post make me hating myself. Make me feel fat, make me feel ugly and make me want to jump to the abyss and never come back to the surface anymore. I mean, *sighs*
I just hate my body even more than she does and I never tell anyone about it because I don't want other people to hate theirs. That post seriously strike me straight to the heart. hahaha XD seriously. I feel like being shot with revolver or something. XD

Well... There is one more thing that really bothering me lately. I'm very confuse with people around me. I mean, I keep on getting some confusing shit from these people. One say something and the other say the opposite about the same topic. I mean. seriously. I'm just tired. They confused me with all this shit that I sometimes feel like I never want to be home. I'm confuse like hell and i don't know who's story should I believe. The facts that they only have the same thing to say about is other people. I mean, why should they say bad thing about people? people are free to visit to my home its not like these people coming to THEIR house. I mean, why? why are they talking bad about others like they are all so fucking perfect and stuff. and then, when they're with me, any one of them, they would talk bad about each other, calling each others names. I mean, seriously. I'm tired of all that shit. Can we just have some random conversation about natures maybe? Stop talking shit about other people behinds their back. I'm tired. and i really wish they could stop poisoning my head with the untruth. I'm tired. why can't they just let me think about it myself? let me observe it and see it with my very own two fucking eyes?

I have no problem with people coming to my house, then why that so bothering them anyway? Seriously. I really wants to cry right now but as usual my tears won't fall and it's freaking hurting me right now. Especially when they talk bad and described like how bad my favorite people are actually. I mean come on. Its not like their also that perfect. God. hmm.... It just... I'm tired of all that bullshit you see. all that I keep on listening to is bullshit. Yes, my life is full of bullshit now. I'm turning into a bullshit myself. and when I thought about this, I guess that they would talk shit about me too when they are together eh? I mean, pshhhh..... look how they talk about other people? how they talk about them, that's how they would talk about me right? it's fact. It's a fucking facts.

I'm just tired of all the bullshit.
I need to escape from this hell.
I need  to escape
I want to escape
I wish to escape
Before I'm going crazy,
kekekeke XD
just kidding :D

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Your Tears :)


DisorderYour Score
Major Depression:Extremely High
Dysthymia:Very High
Bipolar Disorder:Slight
Seasonal Affective Disorder:Very High
Postpartum Depression:N/A
Take the Depression Test

In Class O.O

Greetings, humanoids :) Right now i'm in a middle of class but i can't concentrate because the teacher only speaking in front and i'm too lazy to translate all the English words he's saying kekeke :3

So, uhhh.... Just to say that I must admit that i'm seriously depressed like i used too hahaha i mean, you see.... In the last two days, i really fond to cut my hair by myself and now my hair isn't at the same length ahahaha no one will noticed it thought because i only cut some of it. But seriously, this is what i do whenever i'm depressed because by cutting my hair, i can release this hidden depression inside well... I'm feeling a little better and i have my positive sense back actually; not all but okaylah. I still have that negativity though but thank God i manage to finished off my Economics assignment and Finance, i only have one more questions left. So, my day is getting better. Now, i only have to prepare myself for BEshit presentation tomorrow and settle all my HR undone tutorials. I guess i can make it this week and next week.... WOOHOOOO~ hahaha no more work!
Oh wait! I still have HR presentation. Oh well, at least i've done with some shit kekeke xD and i just remember that this Saturday, I'll have my Accounting test 5 (^__^)v wish me luck though. I wonder what chapter will come out. I think chapter 15-18 i think. Oh wow, i still don't get chapter 16. I think i'm gonna die hahahaha XD hopefully the questions won't be very hard to deal with though :)

Uhhh... I guess that's all for now. i shall come back again later or in few days hahahaha :D byebye for now !

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

No Ideas For The Titles. ehe

Greetings, humanoids :)
I'm actually doing my Economics assignment but I'm distracted so... here I am. hehehe :) As usual. My life didn't get better in fact my depression and paranoia getting out of control in this few days but don't worry, I'm cool with it. I had worse. hahaha :) Anyway, speaking of depression... I'm not depressed because I'm sad or stressed because of the assignments due date or anything. It just came to me naturally and be part of me hahahaha seriously. I can't even figure out the reason why I'm being sad and stuff. hahaha and yeah, I noticed that I'm even quieter than before like seriously. I only let my mind speak ( Only connects with people via texts and social network ) I don't really, you know... like to talk. I mean, every time I talk to someone, in less than few minutes, I get bored and pissed at them for no reason. I know.... I guess I'm really are anti-social eh? hahahaha I do love interacting with people surrounds me it just that I can't help it but to be pissed off.

Even at home, my mum and I don't really talk with each other. Once I get home, I immediately put my earphone on and face the lappy screen until night time and she just sit there and watch whatever shows on the TV. But then, I didn't feel awkward though. Maybe it just how we interact with each other. hahaha I mean, by be there at each other side? hahahaha I don't know.

And speaking of interacting. It's been about 3 weeks I didn't interact with sis Jaba though. Yep, well... I guess she just busy with stuff. You know, role-playing stuff. Yeah... I don't feel like flooding her ask box on tumblr anymore though because I feel like I annoyed her in some ways. I mean, seriously. I'm annoying like fuck. hahaha XD And in this few weeks too, I've decided not to seek or make the first attempts to start any conversation with her though because you see, it's always me who start the conversation. She did, but too seldom. And this make me think like, what if she never wants to talk to me but have too because she just don't want to hurt my feelings for not replying? Well, what if this is true? heh... Well, I don't know the truth though but this questions hurts me. I mean, like seriously. I'm tired of it. Seriously. I mean, it's really not that easy to start a conversation you see. I'm very bad at this thing but then because I want to talk to her and keeping in touch, I have to force myself. And plus, I can't really stand it when I have to ask so many things just to keep the conversation alive. You know what I mean? It just. gosh. Hmm.... And to conclude this, I'm very sure that she doesn't really wants to talk to me. hahahahahaha well. Yeah. whatever :)

<----- This is my most favorite picture. I don't know who the hell is he but he's adorable especially in the second picture and I'm like GAGDYUHSFIJEFKEKF<KE~~~ hahahaha XD Oh well, he's just cute alright? I can't help it :) And so... I'm going to have a presentation by this week on Thursday. Yeah, and I don't know how it will turns out but I'm really hoping for the best now. I'm a bit nervous when I think of this but yeah... the sooner, the better. kekeke and my final exams will be like around 3 more weeks and I haven't done any study yet. I'm thinking of doing some during the study week *One week holiday wwooooo* XD I'm scared that I can't score for my Finance. Yeah, that's the only subject that I'm very terrified with right now. Too much fucking formula and I don't even understand any of that shit. hahahaha and Economics, I think I can just read everything from the notes that the teacher gave me though and HR, its just reading and stuff and for BEshit. It's just a piece of shit. hahaha Seriously. The teacher don't even teach us anything yet. I don't know how I'm going to study that shit. For Account, um.... depends on the questions and I really hope the teacher still have a merciful heart and gives us a little bit of easiness on the questions. ahahahahaha :D And uhh.. what else about school? Um..... Right! I'm thinking of sending out all of my assignments and tutorials by this week. Hopefully. I'm quite a bit stress because of it but I'm controlling it hahahaha I can't let it overcome meh. If I do, I would turn into your worst nightmare and the grumpiest person ever. like seriously. And if I let my negative energy to control me, i guess I'm already die. hahahaha :)

Cute right? I know! I made them kekeke XD it's a flyers for our imaginary shop hehehe :) Anyway, last time when I was going somewhere with my mum, I suddenly have this thought hits me in the skull. Like imagine that one day, Miri City were flooded my zombies. hahahaha XD and yeah, I came up with newly fresh ideas for story. kekeke but I haven't start writing it yet since I've lost my confidence somewhere in writing this kind of shit. So, the ideas I'm having is like this. Uh.... Well, the characters will be like 4 to 5 person like that lah, mixed of adults, teenagers and maybe kids. yeah. I don't know. I just randomly thought of this. hahaha XD and then they were like being left out from the main evacuation day but the got notes la from the evacuator staff and the notes contains the information like the place where the other evacuation process will be held and what time, what day... something like that la and then they have about three days to survive before the huge termination of the undead on the 4th day. Yeah... and they have lots of experiences and stuff and shit going on during their surviving moments. Well, maybe few of them dies in action. Maybe. If I have the guts to kill them. kekeke and I'm thinking of making it a bit funny though. But then when I think back, I'm not funny enough to write funny shit. hahahaha
So, maybe nahh~~ I'll just go with the flow, write whatever shit I want. I mean, no one will wants to read it anyway. Even if the does, it would bored them to death. hahahahaha So, yeah. I shall not speak a word of this. hehehehe :)

And yeah, I'm currently doing another story too hehehehe :) It's about band thing. Well, they're not famous band but they were paid to perform in a special birthday party of the daughter of rich man lah. hahahaha because the girl likes the vocalist bah since they were like coming from the same school kan. So yalah~ but then, the vocalist got crush la with this one part-timer in the hotel where the rich girl will celebrate her birthday and the vocalist crush is the guitarist friend from kids lah and the guitarist also like the girl la. Plus, vocalist and guitarist is bro-forever bahh. hahahaha then... I don't know. HAHAHAHAH well, I actually haven't write anything on this one two, I'm just starting with the character. kekekeke XD yeah~~~ XD I just love finding characters for my story okay? but not writing or finishing it off. kekeke XD
I'm Awesomely Slacker.

It's almost 12.00 a.m now and I'm lacking of ideas on what to write. kekekeke oh right! I'm currently loving Of Mice and Men. Yeahhh~~ Austin is full of awesomeness XDD I love all of their songs. Well, only in this one album lah, The Flood. Seriously, the way he scream really synchronized with the music. It just deadly awesome! hahahaha XDDD my current favorite song is the Production of Murderer and Ben Threw :)
And I'm actually getting bored with Instagram and Tumblr and Twitter and also Facebook. Because I started to feel insecure and no privacy at all. Only here, in Blogger I can have my privacy you see. Here I can talk whatever I really feel and whatever is in my head because nowadays, people seems to drift away from blogger only few left. Well i guess i shall say THANK GOD!
hahahaha XD I'm sick and tired of people actually. So, yeah... I guess I'll be here more often from now on :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.