Part 13: I'm Just the Worst

Hey, i'm not quite feeling better today. So uh, i decided to update this blog hehehe :) well, i've been feeling down since few days ago and well, of course for some reasons. *sighs* and for addition, stress from school and home. It just, for short everything make me feel down actually. Hahaha *sighs* 

And uh, i relasped again today. Yeah, i'm back to cutting and well, i think i've cut a little deeper because i'm still waiting for the blood to stop. But nothing serious though, it just a small scratch, not too big hehehe :3 it just need time. It will stop soon enough and i'll be fine again for sure :) 

Everything is fine. It just me. I'm thinking too much and i can't stop my paranoia. Yesterday, i caught myself biting my nails like from my school until i reached Ng Siang Hap there. Yeah, I guess i'm having  small anxiety for sure. But nothing serious as well. I'm okay today (^__^)v 
It just that, i can't stop my brain telling me that no one ever care about me and they actuall find me very annoying and behaving bitchy like and like its getting on their nerves in some way. I don't know. And well, i can't blame them for that. I mean, i'm very aware that i'm quite annoying too hahahaha i can't deny the truth, can't i?

And then. Well, i don't know. the reason I've cut again is that, i'm just feeling that. Even if i cut again, no one would care and like they wouldn't even bother to stop me anyway. They will be like, "Its your choice, if you decide to stop, u'll stop." Well, nothing wrong with that though. I mean, they're right about it. I will stop if i want to. But well, i guess i won't then. Since its my choice :)
I'll just lessen it. Well, i am trying my best to stop but then i find there isn't any reason for me to stop. I'm always lonely somehow. No one ever try to reach for me. Its always me who is trying to reach for people. Maybe that's why i never stop feeling lonely. Pathetic isn't it? Heh. Well, its me afterall. I'm just some pathetic being as always. 

*sighs* i always keep my smile on my face though. And i guess i'm too good at lying that not even a single soul noticed how miserable i qctually am. I just. I don't know anymore. Maybe its the best if i withdrew from people for the time being. Especially those i'm chatting with, like Jaba, or Myron or even Sumichan. I don't want to be unable to give them positive energy when i chat with them. I want them ti be happy somehow hahaha :3 *sighs*
Well, my happiness isn't important. All i ever want is materialistic stuff anyway. And yeah, im no saint too. I'm in fact the worst of the worst person ever. I lied to everyone. I never really show them what i'm really feel. I want them to notice it actually. Hahaha yeah, it's my fault somehow. I should have told them but then, they won't care anyway.

I've tried to tell Jaba about my real feelings some of time back then but the way she responds, well... Its not wrong. She did says everything that is necessary but then. Well, heh. I guess i'm just asking for the impossible. Oh well, *sighs* and thats is the time i told myself that i shouldn't be telling anyone else about my problems. I should just keep it too myself. I mean, its my problem and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I should sort things out myself, no? :) 

I mean, everyone have their own problems to deal with. So, yeah. I'll do it myself :)
And yeah, my weight isn't reducing even a bit. In fact it keep on increasing. I think i should just stop eating hahahaha i hate my thigh, my leg, my stomach and everything. Hahahaha *sighs* 

Ah, i shall take my leave now :)
P.S Let your smile cover up your tears :)
*i can even cry lols*