If I die (I'm so sorry)

:And so, this isn't a suicide note. Just to clear things up, lately I've been thinking of suicide and writing a suicide note as well. but well, something tick in my head telling that maybe I should just write one note. A 'suicide' note and maybe it would help out to ya know like taking my mind off suicide for a while. Well, I guess I'll just give it a try. And well, if it's not working, then... I could just used this one up. hahaha recycle.  Anyway, yeah:

If I die,
please tell my mom that I really care about her
tell her that I'm sorry for not able stay besides her
tell her how sorry I am for not being a good daughter
tell her that I love her the most

If I die,
please tell my dad that I'm sorry for everything I've done
Everything I've said may have hurt him so much
things that I've done must have break him at some point
tell him that I always love him no matter what

If I die,
please tell my dude that I appreciate everything she's done
tell her that she's meant so much to me
but she's done enough now and I guess this is good bye
tell her that I love her the most and
please tell her that I thanked her the most for keeping me going for this whole years

I've thought about this for a while now
and I guess it's time for me to walk away
I can't bear to hurt anyone anymore
because it's seems like the only things that I'm good at

I'm sorry for lying to everyone
I'm sorry for trying
I'm sorry for being alive
breathing the same air
when I don't even deserve it at all
I'm sorry for all the things I've said
I'm sorry for being a bad friend
and being a bad student
I'm sorry for my existence
I'm so sorry,..

If I die,
please tell my imouto that I love her
tell her; thank you for always talking to me
tell her that all her secrets is safe with me
that I'll be taking along to my grave now.
tell her to be strong and
that I'm sorry I can't stay longer besides her
to listen to all her rants anymore.
I'm sorry I can't stay.

If I die,
please tell my sisters that I love them so much
I'm sorry for keeping this dark side of me from them
I'm sorry I didn't open up to them
and asking for advices from them
tell them that I thanked them for love me for who I am
thank you for caring for me
and tell them that they're the best sister that anyone could ever wish for

If I die,
please tell my nephew that I love him
his adorableness never fail to keep me going
his attitude never fail to make me smile and mad at the same time
thank you for coming to my life
and thank you for your existence that I believe
you can erase the pain and loneliness
that my parent will felt
once I'm no longer part of this world.

If I die,
please tell both of my nieces; that I love them both
on the day they were brought to this world
I see the small light of hope in front of me
and that their life had given me hope and purpose of going on
I'm sorry that I can't watch them both grow
I'm sorry that I can't watch them going to college
or talk about their girly secrets.
I'm sorry I can't be the best aunt for them

and If I die,
please tell my bestfriend that thank you for staying with me
even though she know how fucked up I am,
she still choose to stay.
I'm sorry that I can't keep my promise
I'm sorry that I lied to her saying that I've stop hurting myself
Thank you for being part of my life
Just tell her that she's like a sister to me.

I guess this is good bye now.
This feeling I felt is growing
I can't hold it anymore
I'm weak and it's suffocating me
I need to end this now.
Thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you and;
Good bye.