Part Nine: You Can't Fixed It Because I'm A Part of The Problems.

I'm literally being shit. I know that but I just can't just shove this feeling of uncertainty away you see. I mean, well... I'm pretty sure that I'm shit with English grammar and words and even my sentence is like direct translate. you get what i mean? hahaha it just well... Honestly. I do enjoy writings because I love it when I imagining things that happen inside the story I'm making but it just that I don't feel that I'm good enough to write anything. But I don't really care about all that stuff, all I care about is the story line and which part is being people favorites and that's all I needed. But I guess, I'm just not born to be a writer somehow. I always get good feedback on my newest fictions from sis Jaba though but I just can't feel it. Well, I know that she like it but then I'm not very you know, like convinced. I don't know why but it just how i felt right and I have no control about it. hahahaha :3

I was really-really hoping for her to tell me like she like the story and then she would tell me which part she really like and why she like it. I hope she would tell me that but it just another wishful thinking of mine. hahaha I mean, maybe it's not that good, I mean my story. It's not that good that she has no favorite part at all and it's actually giving her headache because of my poor grammar. lols. I'm sorry. I'm a shit and always will be. hahaha. I'm so sorry.

Honestly, I do want it to be favorite and was told that it was the best chapter but what's the point if they don't present the evidents? just saying it beautifully written and awesome storyline doesn't even convincing. It's like just a words. you know what i'm saying? its like when i'm reading something that I have no interest at all but I don't want to hurt the writer's feeling so i just say i like it. something like that.

but then again. Different people, different perspective. I mean, well.. Like me, if I really love the story, I would definitely remember every fucking line that written in the chapter and I need more than 15 minutes for me to explain what I felt when I read the chapter. Then I would tell which part is excites me the most and my most favourite part. I really give myself wholehearteedly when I love something. Well, like I've said, different people, different way of saying things. hmmm.... I can't expect too much tho. maybe I should learn to accept the fact.

Last two nights ago, I cried myself to sleep. Well, it just that everything is just so fucked up and I feel so weak that I feel like crying and plus, night time is the only time I can freely cries without my mom even knowing. I really can't let her know how fucked up I really am. I don't want to give her more worries to be concern with. I mean, this is my own problems, so it just should stick with me and only me.

I. I'm really fucked up in this few days. I don't know why. At day time, I look just fine even though everything seems too pissed me off and everyone seems to.. i don't know, it just.... *shrugs* then at night, all the feelings that I've holding at the day will rush towards me and that is when I will fall into pieces. Everything is just so fucked up and I don't know what else should I do to make things better. I'm so fucked up and useless. I'm really a shit. like literally a shit.

My chest felt like it going to burst anytime soon and it just really hard for me to breath. I feel so lifeless. I'm breathing but I'm dead. I don't feel alive anymore. And even when I felt alive, all I ever feel is the negativity and even though I know they we're just meant it for jokes,  I would take it as an insult. I'm just freaking fucked up. Everything around me is turning so dark that I barely could see the colors. I'm losing my rainbow, it color is fading. If it ever disappear one day, maybe it's the end of me. Let's just hope not. hahaha :)

As the day gone by, I feel like I'm losing myself. Sometimes I know the reason, but sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I feel strong, sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I feel full of life, sometimes I feel empty. But mostly, I felt so lonely even though I'm surrounded by people and this is the only feelings that I can't shove away no matter how much I tried. I feel people hates me most of the time and of course, I hate myself even more because I'm not being myself. I'm literally being someone that people wanted to see and expect from me. I have no clue of who I really am. Only those on the internet would know who i really am, those who never met me will honestly know what I really am. But those who knew me in real life, like Jaba. eventhough she's talking to me in real life or virtually, I'm still pretentious shit

Maybe I'm scared that because maybe once, in the past, the one that hurt her was me, the real me. So, I've decided to be this pretentious version of myself so that I can take care of everyone's feeling even though it's hurting me like zillions time.  heh. But honestly though, even though I'm saying that I'm acting good just because I want to take care of her feelings, when it come to her writings, I'm like losing control of myself and i really really do love her writings. If she's a famous writer, I would list her as one of my fav author ever. hehehe like seriously :D

And yeah, about my self-harm. I'm still doing it of course. it just not frequent. Well, I never did it frequently. I'm only doing it when I feel like it. But then, I would do it like more than twice. hehehei.
I really want to stop but it just seem impossible. I mean, I have no one else to turn up too. I do have people around me but I'm no longer the expressive Pgie like everyone used to know. But like I said, maybe it just me. heh. Oh well, I guess that's all from me :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)