Part 6 (II): When The Clock Chimes 12 Times

It's just so frustrating to live my own life you know. I can't even be happy even for a while. Well honestly said, today is the best day I ever had so far and so it's gonna end soon. I can feel it in my guts. I can feel it with all my sense that it's gonna end soon. Oh well, it's not I'm new with this. I'm having this little feeling to cry you see. I'm currently listening to Aru Ga Mama, song by Anamu & Maki and the music and the voices is very soothing, their voices touches me right on the heart. I feel very invisible you know. I mean, it such a simple song and it touch me so deeply. I sometimes find myself swaying accordingly to the sound of this song and my feelings... One time I feel sad, then I feel lonely but at the same time, I feel glad and happy. I don't know why I'm having this mix feeling when I'm listening to them singing...It's not like I understand the lyrics hehehe me no speak japanese bah~ hehehe but then, I searched the lyrics online and it has a perfect meaning of what I'm feeling. yes. It's no wonder that it could touch me. hehehei :)

But honestly said right now. I'm feeling a bit lonely and I just want to cry all out. But, something holding me from doing it. I don't know. Maybe I just could cry or maybe it just I'm feeling my chest is clenching. I don't know. But what I know that I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's because I have so many regrets. or maybe I'm just feeling wanting to disappear. I just want to disappear. Yeah, most of the time.

But still, I want to be around. I want to be around those people I care and those who I think still care. My heart aching right now. Hm.... Wonder if there people still care about me? What if it just my feeling that people still care when there isn't anyone. What if? I can't stop wondering sometimes. I mean, I can't find any cues that telling me people around me, people near me are care about me. Even my mom. She mostly care about Shawn and his dad. Telling me that it's going to be my responsibility to take care of Shawn one day, telling me not to hate my brother when he hurt her for like thousands of time. Heh.

And when she with me, all she ask me is study, telling me not to buy my favourite stuff, asking me to further my study, criticizing me for being lazy. Well, I'm sorry for I can't be a perfect daughter. I'm not perfect. I wish that, just for once, she would ask me about how my school is, what I really want, my wishes, ask me if I'm really okay or even listen to my opinion for once. Just for Once. I think I'll be happy. But, heh. this is just one of my wishful thinking. I'm upset but everyday, I have to put on a smile or keep myself away from people. I'm not a good liar, I must say.

And it's not like I want to complain or whatever. I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean, like how sis Jon and Lalan and they all treat me. I know they are being nice and stuff but is it what they really felt towards me? What if they all just pretending because they need my help. I mean, like sis Jon. She always like bringing me shopping and stuff and she always told me that she won't care if I say no if I don't want to. You know what, that's truly bullshit. She actually care. Its not like I'm always saying no to her, only occasionally. But every time I did so, she will start to ignore me and act like as if she was sulking and stuff. It hurt me so bad you know. It make me feel guilty It's like she's putting the blame on me. Even when I forgot to reply her message, she'll be like, if you don't want to be with me then fine, go. but then, if I message her, she didn't reply so it's okay if I'm hurt and not okay for her? it's not like I'm purposely doing that. So, day by day, until now... I'm doing it purposely and blaming my phone for that. I just don't care.
As for Lalan. She just used me. When she have her friends around, she just threw me to the side and came pick me up again when her friends leaving. I feel like recycle stuff you know. But I born to have dog traits that I stay loyal to whom ever treat me nicely even if they just faking it. So, I stay. I just. I don't know what's gotten into me. I hate this loyal traits of mine. I just don't have the guts to shove people away like they all did to me. I'm just like, be here and let them do whatever they want on me.

If they don't want to be with me, fine. But please don't hurt me like this. I'm a human too. I have feeling like them. But they never took noticed when I want to be alone. They keep on giving me hard time. Maybe they think it's okay to hurt me because I appear to look tough and stuff. Don't they know that I'm appear strong because I don't want them to be sad because of me.

I'm not so sure how I'm going to keep moving in this life of mine. I'm tired of everything around me. The only few things that still keeping me alive until today is sis Jaba, Valerie, Shawn, and Anime. If one day, if let say I'm losing all four, I guess I don't have anymore reason to live. Heh, even future. I don't think I even have the bright one. Heh.

Oh well, better wash my face now :)
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Mikida :)

Part 6: Every Clouds Have Its Silver Lining :) (I)

Greetings, humans~ I've been in MIA since forever I guess hohoho that's because I'm not very motivated to update. I do want to update since there are bunch of stuff I wanna share but still, i'm very stressed out with y assignments, tutorials and even my teammates gah! everything just going to make my head explode until I feel like want to do nothing, including, self-cutting you know. hahaha I guess I'm too freaking stressed to think about anything. All I do all day is sit in front of my lappy and watch anime from morning until next morning hohohoho. Demo, I'm going to be doom soon since my holiday only 3 days left so... I haven't done a shit including my assignments and presentation slide. I'm fucked up right now. I wish I could cry but I couldn't since it's not that bad. hahaha plus, my team members really have no team work at all and I'm so fucked up this semester. I wish I could be my own group you know. Maybe I could finish it half semester ago. Gosh >.< but I was thinking to start everything tonight... ummm not tonight... but maybe sometimes around tomorrow. hohohoh I need to get some shit done though haaaaaa! I wish I have somebody to motivate me doing my homework. 

sometimes I wish my figurine can talk you know. it's freaking lonely not having anyone that understand you to talk with. You see, I'm very-very easy getting annoyed by people presence and I don't know why. I always act indifferent with everybody and I keep on secretly rolling eyes every time they talked about stuff. Well, its because they're talking about the stuff I'm not fond with. I can't... just can't be with this kind of people. I want to move to Japan! 

if let say that my Rin and Yukio and Iza-chan can talk to me, I'm soooo gonna bring them everywhere I'm going hahaha I mean, at least I'm not worry that they gonna leave me or whatever. haish, well that's just one of my wishful thinking. I never gonna have a person who understand the likes like me :) we're too freakish limited edition  then again, thinking back... I do have a person who is just like me. Well, sis jaba of course demo... due to limited time we're spending, I'm still very lonely. well, she really does making my hear joyful and stuff and even just for a while, I feel like I'm no longer the only person who walk on earth. it just the best moment still... like i said, the time. its like we're living in different time zone sometimes. hohoho i'm babbling. blahblahblah. okay next!

So, like I've said.. I'm under recover from self-harming. It's been few days since my last cut though. I wonder if my prayers has been answered. I mean, every time I went to church, I keep asking for guidance, back to where I can find the light in the darkness of my life. last few month ago, I'm very much hopeless and I see nothing but darkness around me. Not even one person try to reach me and stop me from doing this self-mutilation. I mean, for those who knows. Like lalan, she did saw my new fresh cut last time but she didn't bother to say anything. Well, not like I want to stop somehow. but that time, I just wish she could do or say something. Then I realize, she never did care about anything about me. All she care is about me being with her when her friend fly away from her. Heh, I'm always being the stupid one to stay though. Well, that's not the problem. So... I was like wanting to end myself. I took painkillers and oh right!

 speaking of which... actually I was actually almost getting addicted to painkiller and anything pill-like. You see, I was in my mental breakdown that time and at the same time, I'm having toothache. So, I'm like taking this pills to reduce the aches from my tooth. But after a while, I'm no longer having my toothaches but I'm like, convincing myself that it's hurt. even when it's only like a little hurt like being bite by ants, I took like painkillers and paracetamol for a while until my mom told me that I took too much pills. That when it hits me. I'm like "Am I addicted in taking painkillers?" so, I'm trying to control my painkiller pill-taking. In the end, I managed without anyone even noticed about my almost-addicted-to-painkiller stuff. one of the reason, I sometimes taking painkiller for no reason is that I believed that it could help me heal my breakdown. hahaha stupid, I know. I dunno if there are people are doing this to themselves. hm.... but that God. I managed. That's why I said, I always managed.  No one knew about this though. I keep it to myself mostly and I remember that I told my aunt next door that I'm having toothache so she gave me her medicine whenever I'm out hahaha gosh, that's quite freaking me out right now. hahaha and and I always take my painkiller without having anything to eat before taking it. Its like, I'm taking those pills with empty stomach. I think that time I only think of ending myself slowly by taking those pills. hahaha oh well, it's painkiller tho. It's healing me instead of killing hahaha irony.

Enough about my little dark secret kekeke. SO back to my self-harming. I've stopped after I started to watch the law of Ueki. Well, not quite. For a few first episode I did cut myself though and suddenly my paranoia gets me and well, actually I'm thanking my paranoia hahahaha actually, after I've done cutting and I'm like going blank for a moment, staring at the blades I've been using and thats when my paranoia hits me. its making me thought that 'What if the blade got rust? you've gonna have a very bad time and dies" at first I'm not so concern but then its strike me again like, "If you die, then its no use. Who's gonna take care of your mom? your fucking brother? damn it~ why can't i just be selfish? don't you care about your mom at all?" hahahaha i don't know. I'm like fighting with myself you know... Its feel like I'm having my soul divided into two and thank God, the good one is winning. So, from that time, I keep myself away from my blades hehehe. Plus, I'm no longer using my eyebrows blade, I'm using sharpeners blade which more working for me in calming my shit down and much faster reliever. heh, sound nuts but I bet all cutter out there  is agreeing with me. 

so, right now. I'm free from self-harm :) I hope I'm gonna stay strong like this and never ever consider self-harm anymore. I mean, there's always a silver lining in every dark clouds :)

My life has been up and down and there are some that leaving and some that come back and some even just be there when they need me to. But I'm through all that. I'm accepting my life as it is. Well, I know it eventually will happen again sometimes in the future since like people said, our life is circling but all we've got to do is keep moving forwards because everything happen for a reason. Maybe not many out there are strong like me. Well, not saying that I'm strong. I'm still very weak you know. I really really need someone to support me through thick and thin but still, I'm done hoping for someone to do that. I have to save myself from anything. So, I'm determine to be my own hero. no matter how low I'm going to fall, I'm gonna help myself stand back up again and climb. But I'm always wonder  though, until when can I keep relying on myself? What if someday, I feel like I can't take it anymore and just give up? 

Well, heh... i'm not so sure whats going on inside my head you see. Sometimes I feel like all fire up to save myself and sometimes I feel like, oh well, I don't give a damn about what will happen to me. I'm not sure and I don't even understand myself anymore. I'm having identity conflicts hahahaha...

Hey you know what? I'm gonna continue tomorrow. hahahaha I suddenly feel lazy though :) so yeah

byebye for today

Part II will be tomorrow

I promise!

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Face.