Just the Usual Jazz and Holiday Plans~! XD

Yohoo~ Hello there~ hahaha yeah, I've just finished my exam! WOOH~!!!!! and today is the second day and dude, guess what? I already don't know what to do and how I'm gonna spend this whole 8 weeks hahahaha well, other than graduation's day coming up, I'm not having anything else in plan. There's a few but I don't want to put too much hope in those because I don't want to end up with another empty promises so, yeah. hahhaha Don't worry, I'll tell more about it later on. But first! I wanna say that things isn't going well around me and you know the usual jazz and shit. Every fucking people around me is so judgemental and so can't get over off my butts. You know how freaking insecure I am with my butts right? And they seems to be so fucking insensitive or just pretending not to notice how much I'm insecure about it and it just make me want to cut off my butts sometimes. well, most of the time, actually. They may think it as a joke and shit but for me, it's a no-no joke. I was just getting into phase where I was just about to start liking my own butt, accepting my pear-shape body and they're just blew it off by fucking tell the whole town how big my butts is and mom, she just like telling everyone that I'm fucking 70kg and I'm like WOW MOM THANKS A FUCKING LOT for telling everyone. Eugh. I'm just pissed and and sad ya know. I'm a FUCKING 70 kg and FAT AND BIG BUTTS. I"M FAT, OVERWEIGHT GODDAMN IT. it just fucking hurt okay?! I know it's childish for like giving shit about this stuff but I just can't fucking ignore it alright?! They're fucking laughing at my fucking ass and my fucking weight like in front of my fucking face and DO you fucking know how much it hurt to keep the fucking smile on my fucking face when all I wanna do is fucking go home and cry my eyes out?! eugh They may think it was that hurt because it just a fucking words BUT if only they knew, how fucking hurt's words can be. I just wanna screamed right now. It's like my own mom. god damn it. It just the worst.
Honestly, it just make me feel sooo fucking hating my body right now. If I can, I really really wish to just cut off my butts. I fucking hate my butts and maybe I'll just starve myself and be as skinny as they wish to see like getting 40 kg only. Because I'm fat and they don't really like having fat people around because they all have idk 60kg under kind of weight and i'm the only fat person in this family and guess what? YEs I'm fat and thank you for making me realize that and make me hating myself more than I already did.

Okay, well my classmates and I were planning to go Brunei around december time and well, I've told my mom about it but she didn't answer me yet and I don't want to assume anything or saying that it's a Yes because it doesn't seems like it and then, last few weeks ago, she told me that dad has been planning on taking me and her to go Kelantan end of this month because he'll be having his medical checks up there BUT, I don't want to put too much hope in that one because yeah, this isn't the first time they promise me something like this and back then, I was so stupid and believing it to be so real and put too much hope in it and guess what? I fucked up and end up hurting so i don't want it to happen again. So, when she told me this, I'm like yeah whatever. Just do whatever you want. I'm just done with some shit in this family. It's so broken to the point that I don't know if I could trust any of them. I never share any secrets with anyone in this family though. I just don't trust them enough. I do love them and maybe I would die for them but trust? Nah, I have huge trust issues with them. hahaha I don't trust people easily.

*sighs* I don't really know how to live anymore you know. It's like things in this family, that keep on happening around us is like sooo full of hate and sadness and it's like how people has been describing the world war three for kids. I know, out there, there's more people that have like wayyyyy serious family matter than mine but dude, even though there's no bruise or broken bones, my mental state is hurting and bleeding like it will never stop. I'm scarred on the inside and I may have scars on my wrist but that wasn't even covered all of it. That just a small proportion of shits that happens. *sighs* if I really cut myself for shit thats happen around here, I might be dead long time ago. Since as people always says; every cuts covers a story. And honestly, I'm dealing with lots of shit. Not to brag, since there's nothing to brag actually. I don't even like it here. hahahaha well, I'm not just dealing with shitty people in the family or the other family, all the rants, the shouting, the complaining, the throwing things, the door slamming things, or the stupid criticism, I'm also dealing with myself. I can't even tell which is worst. hahaha i'm not trying to compete who has the baddest life with anyone out there. I know everyone is dealing with their own shits and trying their best to survive it too because I am trying my best as well. It just I need to complaint sometimes. Things has been hard for me to deal with. Like I really really want to cry sometimes but I had to put up my ignorant face or the stupid-smiley face because I want to take care of people's feeling and BAM! those people don't even took a minute to think about taking care of my feelings.
I'm just a stupid bitch, ain't I?

*sighs* this reminds me Hollywood Undead Believe's lyrics, "Don't you realize that Bad things only happens to me? God knows, one day you'll finally see. That's scar will healed but were meant to bleed."
I can relate so much with that part hahahaha *sighs*  I'm not strong enough to keep up with all this shit you see. I've been trying to get closer to God, praying and reading the bible sometimes but I guess it wasn't enough. I admit, I still have some faith in me and yes, I do believe in God but it's not His fault that I'm weak like this. I know that things happen for a reason and with God, nothing is impossible. But it just that, *shrugs* I don't know anymore. Hell, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here hahahaha I'll just leave this at that. Let's talk about something else.

And so, I actually have few plans to do on this holiday. Well, I was thinking that maybe I'll just cancelled the thought of getting a part-time job hahahaha because man, I think I need this break and speaking of break, I seriously can't wait to move out from this house. I'll make a proposal for my parent to let me stayed at the other house once it's done and as long as the fucked up bro is in the house, and that's how long will I'm gonna stay there. Alone. Okay, well my plan. The usual plan of course. I'll list it down;

1. Finish a story.
= Well, currently I'm working on three story. Short story of course, pfft. maybe around 30 chapters? and one story only 10-15 chapter, i don't know but that one is one hell of short chapter. hahahaha

2. True Blood Marathon Season One to Six
= Yeah, I don't really love this drama as much as I love Supernatural because I don't really like the heroin, cuz she just fucked with any guy that show interest in her like literally fucking them but one of the vamps is hawt. So, yeah hahaha and plus, I don't do things half way, mostly. So yeah hahaha

3. Re-decorating bedroom
= This, I was thinking of tear down the posters and re-arranging them. I just can't stand the disorganized and messy wall anymore. I want to make more space for the wall. Maybe I could make it look spacious without too many posters? hahahaha worth a try, I guess?

4. Do all Mika-chan's drafts.
= yeah, this one. I need to deal with it hahahaha I honestly love RP-ing but some shitty people on tumblr is just getting on my nerves but I won't let them to bring me down AGAIN. I've run once, I won't run again. Plus, that girl named Aki-chan is pretty annoying a little nowadays, since she got the girlfriend and shit, she's become a little bit more cocky and I'm just rolling my eyes the whole way to hell hahahaha eugh.

5. Drawing?
= This one, I'm not so sure but yeah, I bet I'll do it sometimes soon hahahaha

6. Collecting DVDs and CDs
= Yeah, well I've been thinking of making a huge collections of movies. Every movies that I ever watched of course, including Doraemon's movie yeeeahhh hahaaha that would cause me lots of money but this, I'll take it slow. hahaha

7. GAMING baby!
= This one, I'm gonna buy few new Games soon and I'll play it and I was thinking of getting PS4 soon too but we'll see. hahahaha I'm still counting my pocket money. I need to saved up too since my dad wasn't going to be young forever. So I need to learn how to save up. XD

i think that's all for now though. I'm calmed now and it's 1:15am and I seriously need some sleeps. Yesterday... Well, more likely, this morning. I slept like around 5.30 and then people woke me up around 8 something to send Isaac to the airport and I honestly don't have enough sleep hahahaha so, I'll just go to dreamland now. Byebye :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.