It's been a while I didn't write here eh? Well, um... Too many things happen to me lately and I lost all my interest in doing everything. Not quite everything though. Only few things I still have interest in doing like listening to music, watching movies, eating & online-ing. But right now, I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lie down on bed while listening to music and reading. My homework is piling up and my assignment due date is getting near. I'm very much under pressure right now about that and well, i can't blame anyone on that since I'm a very talented procrastinator kekeke :3
Plus, my brother is back to his fucking idiotic self which i am very suspecting him to be involving with drugs, AGAIN. I mean, he keep on asking money at mom like 1000 in two days. Come on, it's fucking obvious that he is repeating the fucking history. I just very angry at him and well, i must say that i quite despise him now. And yesterday, he ask me to give him RM 100. I'm like what the fuck man? Do i look like i'm working here?! Fuck man. Does he have no common sense at all? Motherfucking son on a bitch. Like fucking seriously, how can he think that i have that amount of money with me anyway? Hmm.... I don't know. Gah. Fuck.
Then, i have to thicken my face to ask money from my aunt next door like i'm so freaking embarrassed you know. I feel like peasants who asking for money. I mean, my pride is scarred. >.< because of the shameless son of a bitch.
I wish he was dead. My life would be even better.
And there come to my dad. He couldn't stop talking and nagging. I mean, he keep on telling me the same things over an over again and saying that i'm just like my brother, never listen to what he said and like blaming me for didn't do like he instruct. I would do it if he just fucking stop repeating the same thing. I know when I want to do it or when i don't feel like it. I need time and it just fucking frustrating you know. Gosh. And he said that i only know how to play and don't even study. Heh. Fuck this shit. He never even bother to check me when i'm studying.
And saying that i'm like my brother is a big no. I may be a loser but at least i don't try to fit in until i done the wrong things. Come on la. I fucking hate that. And speaking of listening, have he ever listen to what i've said? Like when i told him that i want to be a cartoonist, does he ever listen or understand how much i want to be that? All he gave me are mountains of empty promises like he promised to give me freedom after i finish my diploma. Where the fuck is that have gone? It all buried deep down into the core of earth crust. All my life, i've been listening to him and mom. What i get? None. Materialistically, yes. Does they ever care what I really want? I don't fucking think so. They never bother to ask. Even if i tell them what i want, they always disagree. Why? Because they never thing of what i want. All that in their mind is only how my brother behave on them. God, i'm so fucking losing this game.
And well, i'm still actively self-harm. I did browse on the web how to cope with this and i even look for Demi Lovato on how she managed to survive. Well, she kind of surviving from self-harm because she have her little sister who love her and care for her. Then, there in the USA, they have rehab centre for self-harmer and plus she have her fans supporting her. I was thinking to look up on her and learn to cope with mine according to hers. But then, i think back, it is so not my solution. I mean, i don't have anyone that love or care for me, i'm just exist when they need something from me. Then, here in Malaysia they have no rehab centre for self-harmer or i don't even think here got psychiatrist. And last, hell... Don't say fans, friends also I don't think i even have one. Hm.... So i went to surviving method number two. It says that i could distract myself from self-harm by doing things i like. Well, it surely the best and easiest way to cope with this shit. But then, now I'm feeling very tired to do anything. I was free from self-harm like 2 days because i was focusing myself playing the sims 3 then yesterday evening, my dad scolded me and said that i'm doing something unworthy and said that i never study. So, i started again yesterday evening. Then, before my bed time, lalan make me fucking angry that she threw the panadol right in front of me because she hates taking medicine. I mean, hell. She should be grateful that i care about her health and that what she did to me? Heh. I fucking swear that this is the fucking last time i will care about her health. I'm so mad as well that again, i took my razor and cut myself. So, i cut like twice yesterday. And then, when i was about to go to bed, i suddenly feel like crying and all the guilty feeling suddenly rushing towards me and i suddenly feel like i was being used by everybody, hated and annoying. I couldn't stop crying and i couldn't even sleep it out. So i took my razor again and then, start to calm my shit down. So that's make it three times in one evening. I guess i'm pretty much in quite a mess eh?
Today, i feel a bit okay. I'm still under pressure but i managed to make people laughed and i joked with them. My scars from yesterday cutting still biting and well, i don't even bother to hide it anymore because no one noticed it and care shit about it. Yes, i freely wore my normal t-shirt. I'm invisible in everywhere i go, so why even bother to hide it anyway? I'm not gonna show them up about it or pretend to accidentally show it to them, no.
I just don't give a shit about people anymore, they don't give a shit about me anyway.
So, that's pretty much what going on with my life currently. There's more but i just feel like telling this only. I need self-control right now since i'm in class. Kekeke :3
So, i'll write again soon :)
Have a nice life ;)
P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)