Soulmate ♥ Random Topic ♥

Hello, hi! hahahaha
     This is not that random topic though but I just came back from facebook and I read this one post about a women of early twenties, around my age actually and she been saying something like she had everything except for a boyfriend. So in the articles, someone answer her and they told her like they have this one friend who told them that they wrote a list containing the traits of a guy they wanna get married with in a piece of paper and then rip it off and let flew with the wind~ and yeah, now the women married with the guy that have pretty much have the traits they listed down in the list i guess. I didn't really read it through hahahaha but anyway, the theory is interesting and no, I'm not saying that I'm doing it because I'm in need of a boyfriend, noooo... It just that *I just finding the perfect reasons to blog with Logan Lerman's gif mwahhaha* I was just gonna list down mine because the idea of listing down what you want in a partner is pretty intriguing I must say.
I mean, I always love listing down what I want and wish to have hahahaha

But obviously, my ideal man is Logan Lerman. Oh lord, if only he really is mine HAHAHAHAHA I wouldn't mind dying early age HAHAHAHAHAHA I mean, he's basically who I always wish to have as a husband.

He's cute, he's hot, he's polite and he gave that vibes of being a gentleman. I mean, he definitely knew how to treat a women since he have sisters and he pretty much in good term with his mom. He's like that prince of my heart HAHAHAHAHA but serious talk though. He have that good guy vibes and just, in short... He's my kind of guy. The kind that I would fall head over heels over. I mean, we both doesn't even know each other personally but damn, gurl... He already own half of my heart. HAHAHAHAHAHA


Okay, let's get back to business. So, if I had to list down the traits that I would wish for my future boyfriend / husband to have.... It would be;

1. Great smile. I don't know I just love it when someone's smile is so lovely that when they smile, you couldn't help but to smile along. It's like, great smile is very attractive, especially when they own that kind of big front teeth like Leroy Sanchez and dun dun dunn.... My LouLerman baby HAHAHAHA

2. SEcondly.... It would be nice if they have that gentleman vibes like, chivalry isn't dead kind of shiz. Like an hopeless romantic of a guy, like bringing me to sweet candle light dinner, just ya know... Being sappy shiz and doing something like cheesy romantic things that people nowadays would think cringey. But honestly, I do like the cheesy things like open a door for a girl, give flowers during date, slow dance and all that shiz you know.... AND also, it would be better if they are balance in also able to do some stupid things like running around while during groceries, gaming night date, movie date, making pancakes, home cooking and shit like that. Ya knowww, like whatever things that the characters do in the stories I wrote HAHAHAHAHA

3. Hmmmm.... Third, they love singing. Like they doesn't have to be good at singing but they just love singing, Like suddenly broke out into a karaoke session in the middle of shopping hahahahaha and randomly serenading when I'm doing the chores or just picking some groceries or clothes. It just cute. I mean, being playful and shiz. And I, definitely will join them singing as well hahahahaha ahhhh, my heart goes doki doki even just thought about that. gosh, I'm probably blushing right now hahahahaha

4. And that bring us to the fourth traits. Which is being playful. Like, they have this kind teasing grins, after saying something offensive but they didn't actually mean it it just they wanna see you like get mad because they think its cute and shiz. Ya know... it just cute for me. Love to tease you but not annoyed you. Suddenly attacking you with random tickles, calling ur name while you look away from them so that they could poke ur face when u turn over to look at them... or just being playful. A teaser. heeee I love that because I'm a teaser myself hehehehe

5. Then, a funny guy. Yeah, that's right. I love to laugh like seriously. I mean, that's like worldwidely know right now that I laugh like a banshee HAHAHAHAHA so, a funny traits is a huge turn on for me. HAHAHAHA love to jokes around and won't take it to the heart when people making fun of him. I mean, when someone doesn't meant it of course. If they mean it, damn. I'd piss too HAHAHAHA

6. Respectful. I love it when a guy know how to be respectful. Like if we are in a disagreement, they would respect my opinion even though they disagree with it and also, being understandable and not going to straight jump into a conclusion when shit happen between us. I like a guy that pretty mature in handling some shit in life too.

7. And a guy who knows what they want is a huge turn on. A guy that would do anything to achieve something that they always wanted. A guy with a life purpose and a guy with a goals. Like logan lerman JAHAHAHAHAHA I probably just describing Logan right now BUT NO. I don't know if he's playful or shiz. I don't even know him personally. HAHAHAH

8. Someone supportive and always be there for me when I need them. A clingy but not too clingy guy. hahahaha like they know when to give me space and they would be respectful for that. Someone who is busy living their own life but at the same time able to make me feel wanted all the time. Able to make me feel that they're always there for me and that i'm literally the one for them. hahahaha

9. I'm just gonna make it to 10 traits because I gotta go out soon. ANyway, the ninth trait would be fashionable. Not too fashionable la. Like you know, just know what would look good on them whenever they wear something. hahahaha just someone who knows how to take care of themselves and their hygiene.

10. Last but not the least, someone who just accept me for who I am. I always call myself as Queen because that's me. I'm a queen. I do things that I like... Just when I';m down, I can't do shit HAHHAHAAH and I always get what I want and I never stop trying until I get that thing. HAHAHHA so, my future shuben would definitely need to be the king who could accept this queen-ness inside of me. Someone who could take my manliness side and my girly, annoying side... SOmeone one would think my laughter is cute and not annoying HAHAHAHA and just accept me for who I am. Because I know, I'm hella wayyy far from how normal girls usually act. I'm not even act girly most of the time. HAHAHAHA so, yeah. It is very important for a guy who accept me for me just as I accept him for who he is.

So, that's all I guess. HAHAHAHA
I shall go now because i need to go dinner HAHAHAHAHA

I'll be see you soon.. TTYL!
Stay safe, homie! ♥

♥ Honey, I'm HOME! ♥

Hello again! HAHAHAHA yeah, I've been busy lately and things definitely happen so fast in my life lately and I still feel a little overwhelmed with everything that happen. I mean, I literally just updated like I don't know, last three month ago, wishing that I'm gonna have a boyfriend and guess what? YES! I did AND now I'm back to single HAHAHAHAHA SEE, told ya. Everything definitely happen so fast. AND ALSO, I'm here now at Singapore. I've been here for a week now and I'm still trying to adapt with life here. I mean, this is the first time I'm truly living away from my family and truly living independently. I haven't been in a good health lately and so it's pretty much has been messing with my mental state as well. I had a moment where I just started to question myself about my decision of going here to be honest but yeah, thanks to my one and only bro meow for being there for me and she pretty much giving an indirect slap on my face by reminding me back my reason of going here. I'm just glad that I have her you know. If I talk to the other sisters, they probably just convince me to come home ahahaha anddddd I'm definitely gonna regret it one day because I'm missing the chance of living the life that I've wanted. I mean, the money my parent converted to me will be burnt just like that if I just came home without trying right? And what's the point I talked too much about wanting to do my best to secure me and Shawny's life in the future if I just decided to give up now. I'm not doing it for myself and that, I need to bury deep in my heart. I'm doing this for Shawn and also, to prove that my parents are able to raise a children that are useful. I can't stand them being looked down upon, due to my brother. I just really hope that my brother would realize his wrongdoings towards our parent one  day, ya know. That is all I'm hoping for. I mean, if he doesn't wanna work, its fine. Just please stop hurting both of them, especially mom. Because she's been hurting so much and I wish nothing more than her happiness. I know, that my decision of going to work at Singapore truly hurt her to be honest, but then I know that she let me go because she want what's the best for me. Because I didn't actually tell her why I decided to come over, since I only have a talk with my dad. Because I know dad would understand my decision better since he know how hard it is to gain money nowadays, to have a secure life in the future and shit like that. So i just told him everything and I hope to God he did told mom too. Well, I guess he did because my mom slowly open up to the idea of me going here. I mean, I'm happy that she did. Though I'm pretty much still feeling a little guilty about hurting her in the process. But I guess, that just the price that I need to pay, right?And now, all I need to do is to prove to both of them that they waste no shit about sending me here. I'm gonna prove to them that I am able to life independently and that I am able to be the head of the family. I am the next head of the clan HAHAHAHAHAHA sheeesh.

So.... About my breakup.. HAHAHAHAHAHA i feel so unreal. I mean, honestly. It's all sunshine and rainbow for about a month and then I started to feel something isn't right about the relationship and so I didn't actually put too much expectation into it. AND also... I noticed that sis Jaba didn't really excited about it too.... I shouldn't have ignoring all these sign to be honest HAHAHAHAHA AND well, the thing is that. The guy, since the first date we had together, he's been telling me about his exes and his past life. SO its making me feel like he still living in his past and ME, I'm living in my future. I mean, I look forward to my future and enjoying the present type of person. So there, is the huge difference that we had. AND also, after sometimes, when he started to get distance with me. He make me question myself. What did I do wrong? Am I not a good girlfriend and shit like that. And that's when I knew that he wasn't the one for me. I mean, you know that I don't actually like it when someone just making me question my worth because I know my worth. I hate it when someone confuse me. AND like... we are so incompatible with each other and I'm pretty much pissed at that one time, it was my Bestie Val's birthday and he expect me to bail from that party and spend time with him and our colleagues just for steamboat? bitch please. He even ask me, You would choose ur bestie or me and I shit you not. I don't even think twice. I say I choose my bestie because I knew her wayyyyyy longer than you. AND how dare he making me choose. Did he think that I'm like other girls, and just left my bestie because i'm oh so in love with him? bitch pls. Valerie is like a family to me. I choose her over any other boy tbh. Not only her, same goes to sis Jaba and now Nisa. They hold a special place in my heart now. HAHAHAHA so to my future shuben, u better be ready to be put second after these girls. HAHAHAHAHA he doesn't know that Val been through hell and back with me and no matter how shitty I am with communication, she always be there for me. like hell, I would choose him over her. *eye rolls*

Like, if he didn't ask to break it up with me, I would break up with him too eventually. I mean, coincidentally, the day when he ask to break up, few hours before that, I actually already decided that I deserve better. So, sooner or later, I would actually break it up with him. HAHAHAHAHA so when he told me that he wanna break up because he feel like we can only be friend with each other and that he still can't move on with his ex girlfriend and shit like that, instead of feeling sad, I'm actually relieves. I feel like all my burden is lifted. I'm like I KNEW IT. So I told him like, I knew from the second date. I saw it in your eyes and shit HAHAHAHAHA jfc.  I'm so good with words HAHAHAHA and then he said to me like, pls don't block my number and I hope that you can find someone better and shit like that. You are too good for me. You know, the usual jazz. And i'm like yeah, I wont block your number because I actually like being friend with you and I told him like, Yeah, I know. You don't have to worry about me because I know God will send me someone better. So chill~ hahahaha xD I mean, yeah.... Maybe I am too good for him. Or too strong for him to handle. I need a king who can handle my queen-ness, not a peasant who expect me to throw my throne away and bow to them. Bitch please. I'm not that desperate of having a boyfriend. AND I literally just cry for one day. Well, not really one day. Half day I guess. HAHAHAHAHA and i was trying my best not to cry in office and then I heard him laughing with the other colleagues like he doesn't care and I feel like okay bitch. This is war. With the support of my one and only bro for life, sis Jaba I'm able to move on with a snap of my fingers and the next day I come to work, I even smile at him like nothing happen. I even say good morning to everyone including him. and shit, man. That just rub it to his face. His face fell down and the whole day, he avoid me. I just smirks at him. HAHAHAHAHAHA I never feel so powerful over someone. I mean, bitch. Like hell I would let you make me feel like shit. You mean shit to me, my man. And I even talk animatedly with everyone like nothing happen.

And remember when I said, that he ask me not to block him everywhere and I didn't. BUT now, he's the one who play victim. He's acting like I'm the one who ask for break up and that he's the victim like bitch. HAHAHAHA oh well, that kind of story sound better though. I mean, I ask to break up HAHAHAHA xD But I regret not a single moment with him though. I gotta say, when we were still together, he's actually a very nice guy. He care about his family. It just that he doesn't know how to handle life. He has a dream but he was way too scared to get out from his comfort zone. I remember that I told him like, if we're meant to be, we will meet again. So it's okay. I did thank him for everything. I mean, I did have my sweet moment with him and I'm glad that it wasn't that much but every little things did means something. So I will just cherish that. I did say that I won't consider him as my first boyfriend but I guess, for the first few month we were still together, he did his job as a boyfriend. So maybe I'll just put him as my first boyfriend. HAHAHAHA yeah, I guess I am too good for him HAHAHAHA I mean, both Nisa and sis Jaba told me that I am wayyy too good for him. Though I'm pretty much unsure about that hahahaha. It was truly an experience though.

So..... Currently I'm still trying my best to pull my shit together. I have found a few place to work honestly and now I just need to uhhh, send out my resumes or just walk in. I did send out a few and I wanna go through some of the places again like which one I should just send my resume to and which one I should just go for walk-ins. I need to plan it out nicely then at least, I would able to know which one is which hahahaha I also need to see the place, so it won't be to far for me. But so far, outlets are everywhere so it pretty easy for me to be honest. And I was just started questioning myself again today. And coincidentally, Nisa was talking about going walk-in interview with one company in our group and then I'm like if she can, I can do it too. So I told her that and she said, 'You're making me as your inspiration and now I feel like crying.' and im like sheeshusss HAHAHAHAHA you can't cry, only me can. HAHAHAHAHA xD AND she's very sensitive with my being too. Like if she sense something ain't right with me, she would directly contact me asking if I'm okay or not. Well, I am honestly blessed to have her actually hahahaha. I mean, having someone to care about you is such a rare things to have these days. I mean, other than sis Jaba, it's nice to have someone else to care ya know. I don't want to keep burden sis Jaba solely. HAHAHAHA I am a burden enough for her and plus her own shit too. HAHAHAHA i can't risk that.  I sometimes scared that I drained too much of her mental energy by telling her shit that I'm dealing with. I mean, yeah, she doesn't really mind about that but I do mind. HAHAHAHAHA I just... ya know. I don't wanna burden everyone if I could but the more I don't wanna do it, the more I kinda burden everyone HAHAHAHA.
Oh well.

Welp, I guess that's all for now. I shall be back again soon. I don't know when I promise I will update again when I got interviews and shit hahahaha Wish me luck in everything though. I shall start my hunting this week and I will do my very best. YOU CAN DO IT PGIE-CHAN!

Bye bye for now!
and Stay Bless! ♥♥

♥ Welcome 2018! ♥ [ Part One ]

Helloo 2018! hahaha yeah, I've been MIA since April last year. Wow! There's so many things happen though. We're so going to have a long entry today hahahaha Still, that's depends on my focus level because well, we all know how quick I am getting distracted by something else lol (≧∇≦) And soo, before I get into it, I wanna start this post with a short wishes that I have for this new year of 2018. This year, I believe that it's gonna be my year of spreading my wings and the year where I'm going to bloom like a fresh flower in the field of greens. YER. Because why? Because this year is the Year of the Dog and it's the year where I'm born. So this will be my year! I won't wish that life will get easier for me but I wish for physical and mental strength so I can overcome whatever shit that will coming in my way. I wish for prolong health for both of my parents and endless joy and blessing for the rest of my family. I wish repentance for my brother and hoping that he'll find his way back to the right path. I wish nothing but the most best things for my dearest little Shawny and hope that this year will be the year where he will be able to study and learn a lot to become a better person and show potential that he too, can learn as well as the other kids. As for my friends, I also hope that this year will bring them lots of happiness and that they will too, find courage to be able to do whatever things they wanna do. For my bro (the one and only bro meow (≧∇≦) ) I wish you everything that I've wished for others because you deserve all of it and more. And as for my love life, I hope that this year I would find someone lol xD Well, not that I reeeaaalllly want to have a boyfriend. I want, but not really (not particularly need one so...) HAHAHAHA I'm just saying that I'm ready for a new set of love since I already blessed with the love of family and the love of friendships, which is truly wonderful, to be honest. And well,... I do have a candidate but I'm just not sure that he could be the one for me because well, I never been in love before so I'm putting my trust in God because I believe He'll find a great guy for me as well as for my families. So, that's my wishes for this year of dog. hahahaha Okay, so. Let's get started!

And so, I gotta say that 2017 was the year where the happiest and the saddest things has happened to me. Sounds like the cliche quote from Pinterest, right? HAHAHAHA I KNOW! but then it's true though. There's so many things happen in 2017 and it's completely overwhelming. I still feel surreal about some things that has happen. I'm still questioning myself every now and then, was it real? did I really went through that event? hahaha yeah, but bad or good, it all true and I've went through it all. Oh by the way, my birthday is four days away lol xD

Okay, first event after April 2017 lol. Around May... If I'm not mistaken... I went to Hakken's birthday party and the huge coincidence was, during the time, I was super addicted to this game call Mystic Messenger and guess what the theme was? YESSS!!! MYSTIC MESSENGER And HE or SHE * yeah, Hakken chama is a shee U.U * but it's okay tho HAHAHAHAHAHA AND AND Hakken chama is Jumin HAn!!!!!! He look super wowsome and I remember how nervous I was when I ask for a picture with him like Kyaaaaaaahhhhh ♥♥♥♥ HAHAHAHAHA and because my hands were super shaky that time, he hold the phone for me, I feel like my heart almost explodes LOL HAHAHAHAHA and the funny thing about the party celebration is like for the whole time of the party, Hakken-chama and the rest of the cosplays were like mostly talking to me and sis Jaba though we're pretty sure that we were the loudest and the most annoying guest that coming into the party. Well, sis Jaba not so much since she has limited life battery that time. It was me. It was  all me who were hyperactive and shit HAHAHAHAHA but meh, whatever! I had my fun HAHAHAHAHA but seriously, it was so beyond my imagination that I meet him right after I posted on this blog about how much I wish he's my boyfriend and that I would meet him in real life like klsjafkweshfkjwehfwe and by now and then, whenever I left a comment on him videos or pictures, he always reacted to it. I wonder if he still remember me. HAHAHAHA I hope so. I wish to meet him again in the future hehehe (ؑ⸍⸍ᵕؑ̇⸍⸍)◞✧ But during the party, I like Zen coser the most LOL xD

Okay, Moving on ⸂⸂⸜(രᴗര๑)⸝⸃⸃

So, remember the trip to Penang I was talking about last year? Yeah, we went through it HAHAHAHAHA and it was definitely one of the best trip I ever went to and everything just wowsome! xD It was our first trip together without other people so it's pretty exciting though. And we went to lots of places and the foods are amazing. I don't exactly remember where we went, other than Bukit Bintang, the museums and some other places lol but the feelings were amazing! I remember the time we went cycling around Penang, hunting for the street arts. It was super fun. Very tiring but it was very fun. Then, we kinda make this birthday surprise for my bitch, Kenny hahahaha and I almost blew it ෆු(*˃ர்˂*)ෆු because well, I tend to talk first then think HAHAHAHAHAHAHA but thank goodness, that time Kenny was too tired to care about whatever shit I was saying lol xD But overall, it work out and he definitely surprised hahahahaha it was last minute ideas though because the two girls doesn't actually know that he was coming to join us, except for me because he told me beforehand hahahahaha It was fun and tiring but exciting. I wanna go to another trip with them again because well, they're just the type of people that just go with the flow and whatever happens, happens lol xD So, I kinda like that ya know hehehe because I'm the type that doesn't wanna think about stuff, so they kinda do all the thinking and planning and I'm just going with it lol xD Also, I'm super glad that I went with them and I thanked them for their patience towards my mood swings and bitch face when I'm super tired. (༶ૢ˃̵̑◡˂̵̑༶ૢ)

And then, July...... There's not much things happen in July except for sis Jaba and sis Inut Birthday... OH WAIT! During June. I have received another SON. So here, I welcomed CELESTINE MEROME CLEMENT to the family <3 a super cute and strong little baby and I wish him to continue to grow healthy and adorable and sweet and with cuteness overload! ૮(ᶿ̴͈᷇ॢ௰ᶿ̴͈᷆ॢ)ა✧

Okay, now. Next.

July, nothing really happen. August. Well... By the end of August, I received a very shocking news about my mom. She was diagnosed with Ovarian Cancer Stage Two. When I found out about it I was literally shut down. I just stared at mom like I have no feeling at all but well, we all know how much it took me that time. I didn't know how to react at all. I have feelings that mom definitely thought that I wasn't concern about it or whatever. But thank goodness that I have my friends to support me and I talk to them and they reassures me about everything, especially Kenny who were like introducing me to many of his relative who sells supplements specialize for cancer patience. Thanks to Hui Hui as well for helping me with booking the flight tickets and all when none of the people who is family by blood with me wanting to help us out. I was so pissed as well as disappointed that time. They just doesn't even bother to help even for a sec. And during my mom treatment at Kuching, it was all thanks to sis Bien for accompanying mom over there. I am truly grateful for her. That was the time I knew who I should keep in my life and who I should get rid off. Not getting rid of them forever, no. But I won't even bother to give my everything to help them anymore. It's more like my problem, my problems. Yours, yours. I don't wanna be involves.

And September.
I'm still saddened by the fact that my mom was diagnosed with cancer and that she has to go through around 20 times chemotheraphy and 5 times radiotheraphy for the whole month but then, I got my blessing in disguise with me because Hui-hui got us a ticket to Seventeen Concert! hahahaha xD

Well, it was something that I've been wanting to do. Attending concert and I really thanking her for making the dream coming true hahahaha xD another goals to be scratch off the list woooh! Though I'm definitely feeling a little guilty for going for the concert when my mom were battling to survive her treatments, but I'm glad I took the opportunity because it definitely give a new set of vibes and strength after I went back. Back from the concert, I realized that I had to keep looking strong for my parents sake though having to put up a strong face everyday isn't easy but then, the concert really was the kind of break that I needed to be strong. I know that I'm still is a burden for both of my parents but then, I am the pillar of their strength. I knew they look up to me so much about taking care of everything if things went wrong but I didn't want them to believe the negative side of things so I keep telling my mom that it's gonna be okay, things will be alright. The treatment will definitely work out and you will be healthy again. Though, deep down. I'm scared. I'm so scared of the possibility of things to go wrong and that I could lost her. Of all things or people, the one person that I can't lose is mom. But I'm glad that my hopeful heart, and abundant wishes that I've made paid the price. She went through the treatment like a warrior she is. Now, she's pretty much become healthy again, like she used to be. Not exactly like before but definitely better. So, for all the time that I kinda lose my faith, I started to believe in Him again and because He is real and He is always good. Though, till this day, I still hoping it was me instead of mom. I mean, I lives my life doing shit I've been wanting to do and I'm pretty much satisfied with many things in my life. So, I don't really mind of getting diagnosed with cancer or die. hahahaha xD but real talk though, I am satisfied with my life so far and I really don't mind dying :)

Well, I still have half of 2017 to write about but damn, my emotion suddenly went down to the ground. HAHAHAHA Yeah, I've been pretty emotional this few days since, by the end of the December. Maybe because the time is near and I'm not sure if i'm making the right decisions. So I'm gonna leave this post until here for now. I shall come back again, hopefully tomorrow hahahaha ;)

So, I'll be seeing you again.
Bye and stay safe! ♥

Here's my new selfie. Lol xD

Mushroom Soup :)

Hi. I put up a happy selfie here but I don't actually feel that happy hahaha um... Well, I just had a sudden emotion wreck and I well-- I realized how lonely I am. hahaha well, it's nothing new. I know, I know I've been talking about how lonely I am and that I don't really need people to be beside me all the time. I mean, I don't exactly need people to be with me 24 hours but well--- How should I put this. I feel alone. I mean, yea... I have family and friends but having them doesn't make me feel less lonely. I feel like that they don't exactly care? I don't know. It must be just my brain talking or I'm just tired. I guess. haha... Well, actually this sudden realization hit me last sunday. During Easter, and I went to church with my family and sis Jaba and her family was there too. And there this one session where we just shake hands with everyone, like you know, since we're a one big family and stuff and when that time comes, I realized that everyone else have someone to shook their hands with and I literally stood there, laugh awkwardly for a second, because I just didn't have anyone to shook with like literally. I felt a pang in my heart but I decided not to show it because yeah, I... I guess it doesn't even matter though. I mean, not as if people would realize it anyway. I mean, I always have friends to go out with right? I'm a very friendly person, right? That I surely always have someone to be around with right? heh, all of that is just a bullshit. I mean, I do realized that I have friends, best friends and all the shit, but by the end of the day, I ended up curling on my bed all by myself, Hell, I think I have more conversation with myself than other people. I wish it was easy to reach out. I do want to reach out, I want to tell people, somebody.. anybody at least... that I feel so alone that it so hard to get through each and every day, wanting to be surrounded by people and you just don't want that day to end because you knew, you knew so well that once you go home, that feeling you loathed is going to drown you.

I wanna reached out sometimes. But I don't think that there would be people who would understand or even care. I mean, I could tell that they would tell me something like "You lonely? But you have so many friends!" or something like, "Oh, you have us!" bullshit. BULLSHIT. Sometimes, I need something more than just words of assurance. I guess, this is the irony of my previous post haha... I'm doing what I wish people do to me to other people. It's actually my deepest desire that someone would actually swam the ocean for me, like I did for them. But I guess it's impossible. I guess, I really outdone myself eh? But if I didn't do all those shit, I won't have anybody and I'll ended up literally alone and I hate that. If miracles really exist, I just hope that someone would come to me while I was all laughing and smiling, and look me in the eyes, and told me, "Stop pretending that you're okay all the time. You're lying to yourself and you'll ended up hurting yourself."

But that's only will happen in the movie. Heh.. Sometimes I wish my whole life is just a movie or a mini series or something. It feel so hard, even just to take a breather sometimes. Oh, I relapsed. I can't stand the lumpy feeling in my chest and I can't exactly screamed it out, all my frustration and shit. So, I thought it's my last resort. So I just drag the blade across my skin, making a few red streak, not too deep but just enough to drew a little blood. I feel a little relief though. I mean, no one would even take notice of it anyway. So, I just didn't see any point of not doing it. I mean, scars. Yeah, I already have them. From my previous cuts and 'sides, I already am having skins problems hahahaha. It sting though but that's okay. I miss it.I feel better.

I wonder... I'm not saying that I'm suicidal right now. No, I never actually want to die but I wonder... If I drew the blade a little closer to my wrist and a little deeper until I actually cut my veins, I wonder how would my so-called friends would react. I wonder how would people who told me they love me would react. I wonder how my parents would react. What would they do? Will they just cry and told me that they should see all the signs? Or would they be there for me and keep an eye on me so I wouldn't do it ever again? well, I guess we never know until I finally do it hahaha. Just kidding. I won't do it. I don't have the guts to do it anyway. I'm a coward. The best I would do is yeah, just small cuts. So nothing to worry about. It's not that dangerous. I mean, it's not easy to completely heal if you had the kind of thinking like me. I'm weak. hahahaha Haaaaa.... I guess I'll just wear my cardigan tomorrow. It'll heal in a week or so, So... I'm not worry about it. I'll just have to hide it.... Or not. I mean, who cares? They all have their own problems to deal with. Why should they care about what happen to me. I don't matter. I'll stay quiet for a while. Taking a break from social medias, I guess. And well, I probably just stay here, listening to my awesome new playlist lol xD. Yeah, and this is my safe haven. So *sighs* Also, I'm sorry that this turn out to be unhappy post when I promise to talk about something happy this morning. I'll make it up to ya soon. I can promise you that. I just need a break. hahaha.

Well, I guess that's all for now.
Bye ;)

Happiness Rhymes with Pineapple!!!!!!! ((( o(≧∇≦o)

HELLO AGAIN! Update twice this month eh? HAHAHAHAHAHA IT'S A MIRACLE! hahahahahaha yeah, well... I have many things to say omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg HAHAHAAHHA well, not THAT many but yeah, pretty awesome things happen in my life lately that I couldn't help but to feel so blessed! just ERGMAGERDDDD hahahahaha xD Anyway, let's start with something simple. Like uhhhh my daily life? Well, daily life.... There's nothing much change. My job is like the usual, boring but since it's the end of the month, so I'm pretty occupied with work so time flew fast and yeah, JUNE IS COMING AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! the trip! and also, I can't wait to meet Kenny. Gosh, I miss that bitch so much hahahaha it's been a while we didn't call each other hmmm maybe I should call him soon hahaha I just miss his bitchy laugh HAHAHAHA Shock Hui and Joan, I don't miss them that much because we literally just met like last week and had some Japanese food for dinner because Joan suddenly crave for it hahahaha yea, but like, I'm always give my time for them. I mean, I'm trying my very most best to give my time for my precious people even though I'll ended up tired later on hahahaha I mean, what's worst can happen other than getting sick? hahahaha it's okay, it's all right. I feel better if I could make someone's day. I mean, I know too well the feeling of not having anyone around you when you need someone. I realized that I've been doing this shit since forever for almost everyone, ever since I have my driving license and even more after I got the job hahaha xD Am I doing too much for others and too little for myself? Hmmm, I don't think so. hahaha and yeah, I am also a firm believer of 'If someone care about you, they'll leave everything for u'. I've been telling this to so many people that I do everything for them but I know too well that nowadays, word just word. So, from now on, I want to show them that I do mean it. They could try call me 3 in the morning, I shall answer the call or return it in a split second. I'd drive to their house if they need me. Because, YOLO Bitches. HAHAHAHA I mean, I'm just at the point that I want to cherish people I care about because we never know when we'll reach the end of our life. It could be tomorrow, maybe in a year or five years to come. Who could ever guess. My point is that, before anything bad happen or our relationship just happen to fluctuated, and if I ever just become a memories for them, I want to be the best in their mind. I want to be the part of the memories where it could make them smile when they thought of me, I want them to be able to stay happy whenever I crossed their mind and able to get through the day with a optimism when they thought of me :)

Also... I have a pleasant conversation with dad lately, tho we still bickering some times. I mean, almost, most of the time but yeaaa, we're in an O-K relationship for the time being. I mean, time will heals right? So, I do believe that we'll fix this relationship between us and I should try way harder than this so I can make him happy, mom happy, everyone's happy and it's a win-win for everyone hahaha.

The trip is one month awayyyyy~~~~~~~~ AYYYYYY!!! hahahahaha I'm wondering like do we still going to make the group t-shirt though? And if we do, I wanna do it fast like I want to wear it so badly like AHHH!!! also, I decided that for this trip I'm gonna do some video edits. Well, with the help of a special Apps of course (i'm not that talented in video editting LOLOLOLOL) Especially if we're really going to the Escape PArk. I WANNA TRY THE SUPER HIGH FLYING FOX AND THE JUMP OFF THE TOWER or something ACTIVITY! I WANNA FLYYYYY!!! hahahahahaha well, i'm not sure how I'm gonna do it, YET but yeah, I wanna do it and post it on insta and I'll cherish it hahahahaha I use cherish too much hahahaha xD
<------ THis picture actually my most favourite selfie so far. HAHAHAHA my selfie game is hella on top right now HAHAHAHAHA practice does make perfect sometimes HAHAHAHA okay, I was distracted for a while there because of my beauty in selfie HAHHAHAHAHA kill me. OH, actually... the real reason why I'm blogging today is that I WENT WITH SIS INUT TO SCAN HER FIRST BABY YESTERDAY AND I GOT THE CHANCE TO SEE IT FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS SO CUTE AND I WAS RIGHT ALL THE TIME WHEN I TOLD MY MOM IT WOULD BE A BOY AND IT WAS A CUTE WITTLE BOY AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH AND I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET IT SOON. SHE WILL GIVE BIRTH TO THAT PRECIOUS BABY IN JULY LIKE ASJDWIEUFHIUWEHGIUERHGIUEHRUIGHEUIHGIUEHRGIUEWHFUWIGHUIRWHGIUWHG

This is the scan photo. Look at how adorable he is. AWhhhhh, my heart just fill with love and I just *SIGHSSS* i can't wait to welcome him to the world ⁽(◍˃̵͈̑ᴗ˂̵͈̑)⁽

OH ALSO. I have another news! I've been dying to tell about this one but my toothache stopped me from writing because holy shit. HAHAHAHA the pain is unbearable. I need to find a time to go and pull it out. I can't keep on depending on painkiller or the painkiller will literally get me killed. Oh! the irony! HAHAHAHAHA OKAY. are you ready for this HAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, remember on my previous post, I've been talking about a coser from Miri named Hakken RYOU. AAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA *ahem* okay, cool down Pgie. Pls. hahahahahaha and guess whatttt, right after I posted about him and been thinking about it, suddenly this one particular day, he posted on Miri Cosplay Club on facebook which where me and sis Jaba also happen to be the member like I don't know why we even be in there since we don't even cosplaying, like at all HAHAHAHA but yea, putting that fact aside..... HE WAS POSTING THAT HE'S GOING TO MAKE A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY PARTY CELEBRATION WITH A MYSTIC MESSENGER THEME LIKE KJFKSFJSDKFHKDSGDFJGSKGD AND obviously, I'm currently addicted to the game like HOW MANY MORE COINCIDENCE CAN HAPPEN IN A MONTH KLFWLJFWUWEGKELNGILUGEW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

<----- that's the invitation's look like and yeah, for obvious reason, we had to pay for the entrance fees but IT DOESN"T MATTER hahahahaha well, I tagged sis Jaba in the comment on the post and then I ask her to go with me for the party and she SAY YES AND I FEEL SO HAPPY BUT THEN, I just don't have the guts to message Hakken to reserve our seat but then, thank God that time, sis Jaba was volunteering to inbox him and then she like inbox him and after few days he replied and like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SHE TOLD ME WHILE I WAS IN THE OFFICE AND I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT TO LET OUT A SMALL SQUEALS AND THAT MY MADAM LOOKING AT ME LIKE 'WTF' HAHAHAHAHAHAHA okay, and then, we reserved our seat, pay for the entrance fees and now we just wait for him to send the invitation to sis Jaba's email aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. ALSO, kan I did inbox him, even before he mention about the party because I was DYING to know if he's really are a mirian and then, on the same day he reply to sis Jaba he reply to me. and I'm like HOLYSHIT HE REPLIED OMG HOW THIS I DONT KNOW AAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and our conversation become like this. Well, he didn't really reply me much but at least he did reply so it's matter hAHAHAHAHHAHA proceed down below to read. YERRRRR HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LOOK AT THAT WITTLE LOVE HE PUT RIGHT AFTER 'THANK YOU'~~~(۶ꈨຶꎁꈨຶ )۶ʸᵉᵃʰᵎ Senpai notice me! HAHAHAHAHAHA I just gosh, I'm so happy. I need to bath though. Gotta go work. Well, I'll be back soon and this conversation isn't over


To Be Continue...

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Okay, let me sounds a bit cliche here. Hello~~ April! hahaha xD That wasn't that funny but yeah, I like it hahahaha anyway... It's been a month I didn't came back here. Like woowwww~ is this blog gonna be updated like monthly? I guess, there's a huge possibility it will be that way hahahaha I mean, I've been so busy living my life I don't even have time for stuff anymore. Well, I do have the time but working just drain my energy completely, man. *SIGHS* Well, my job is simple, it just that, I hate it? hahahaha I mean, it's never occur to me, not even once that I'd work as an Accountant. Even my college friends, who took the same course as I am told me, directly that Office Job isn't made for me. hahahaha Well, I may be complaining about it but I need it because I need money HAHAHAHAHA tho the salary ain't that good but it's just enough for me, tho it still can't make me afford a figurine yet hahahaha xD yeaa, it's been few years I didn't actually buy a figurine for myself. I kinda missed the feeling of opening the box and unboxed the figurine and put it together with my other baes (@´_`@) sad, sad feelings hahahaha but well, I guess I'll just have endure it for the time being. I mean, I'm still young and there's still so many things I could do and I'm gonna grab every opportunity I get from now on so I can actually afford my Otakuness life. hahahaha who knows? Maybe one day I'm finally able to set my foot on the Land of the Rising Sun yerrr HAHAHAHAHA *SIGHS* Dare to dream, dare to make it real. Yooo it's actually from one of Paris Hilton's old MV, i think it's called uhhhhh nothing in this world. ( I actually looked it up on Youtube hahahahaha ) AHem, anyway, so far.... my days are ordinary. Just that I planned to spend more times with my family. Tho, so far it's failing. HAHAHAHAHA I need better plans tho. I mean, who knows, once I'm going to SG, we're not going to able to spend time as much as we often did. Tho..... Now not as much as before. Haaaa...... I really do missed the old days. But there's not much different between the old days and the nowadays for me. I'm always alone though HAHAHAHAHA *shrugs*

Okay, narcissistic time... I look so good HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA xD Nah, the truth is, my selfie game seriously leveling up right now. hahahaha I guess, that's because I feel more comfortable and accepting of myself? Yeah... I guess that's must be it. hahahaha though, I do plan of exercising, losing a few pounds before going Penang which is in two more month. Holyshit mannnn~~~ Two more freaking month Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh! I can't wait to go! I want to take as many pictures as I could and cherish it. Also, mostly I look forward for the Escape Park. Because Adventure, bruhhhh~~~~ tho I feel a bit sien cuz Anime Matsuri is going to be held on 1st of July, exactly one month after we went there. Like UGH. life isn't fair....(⌯˃̶᷄ ﹏ ˂̶᷄⌯)゚ But oh well, I just hope that by the end of this year, there's gonna be another Anime convention in Miri because aaaaaahhh!!!! Also, me and sis Jaba did planning to join this year. I mean, not literally joining the competition or anything, just put our cosplays on and just hang out with the other cosers while fangirling HAHAHAHAHAHA since, last year convention, I didn't went with her. I wonder what happen? Probably she have to go somewhere for work, if I'm not mistaken. I just remember that I went there with my gangs, and there I met with Baby Rania as well hahahaha and I also meet with Doraemon, a huge friendly cute doraemon like AAAAAAAAAAAAAh also, speaking of convention last year. It was the first time I meet HakkenRyou like oh lordness.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Before I went further, let me ask you this... Do you believe in Miracle? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I mean, oh my god mannn.... Did you know that he's actually lives in MIri? Like in freaking Miri???? A place where I lives and grow for 23 years?????? HAHAHAHAHAHAH oh my gooooooddddddddd... I knew this since last year though but it didn't actually occur to me that much but since yesterday... ka? Uhh, I this yea, since yesterday the feeling of overwhelming hit me like a truck and I'm like, holyshit. Hakken Ryou is Mirian? Like is that even for real?????? I mean, loook at him! LOOK AT HIM! he doesn't even look like a Mirian to me. HAHAHAHAHA He's like uuhhhh I dont know.... Fictional character that came to life??? HAHAHAHAHAA wow, I could just stare at his face whole day, whole week and I don't think I could get tired of it. HAHAHAHAHA Right now, I feel like I wanna inbox him in Facebook like asking him like "I know this is sudden but can I ask you a question?" HAHAHAHAHAHA and i think I wouldnt even wait for him to reply me that I'd just ask him right away if he really were a Mirian like are you for real? You sure you're not from other place? Other world??? maybe.... But I guess, I'll just freak him out HAHAHAHAHA I mean, I do have the tendency of coming too strong towards people HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah. I'm savage.

*Sighs dreamily* Just look at his face tho... hahahahaha perfect anime character that coming to life HAHAHAHAHA i wonder if he prefer guys or girls. I mean, looking back from my crushing experience so far.... My crushes were either, liking someone else, gay, lives 287423864873 miles away from me, taken or.... did I say gay? HAHAHAHAHA *SIGHS* I wish he's not gay tho. Bi, yeah. I mean, at least he still like girls so I still have a hope. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Just wish that I'm his type tho. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA wish wishy washy...

Well, actually there's nothing much to fangirl about him other than his looks, his talents in cosplaying, and the fact that he look just perfect guy, my kind of guy... just that... I've been wondering like, how does it feel if someone that you admire/a character/celebrity is actually lives in your area? Like holy shiatsu.. this just sounds like anime/ k-drama or every other imaginary stories I've written so far hahahahahahaha and they fell in love with each other and lives happily ever after! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA well, this is reality and considering the fact that reality isn't like fairy tales, it's gonna be hard tho. I mean, unless, I'm blessed with miracles and coincidence happens and we actually meet each other, while he wasn't in his costume, just being his real self and start become friends and BAM! cupid arrow strike! and yeaaa first boyfriend for PGie! Congrats~ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA nah, i'm just kidding. If that happen, walaoweh, i don't even know how to react to that. hahahahaha even so, i think... real him must have girl friend already. I mean, look at him! impossible no girlfriend one la. ahahahaha his girl friend must be the luckiest. Haaaaa... I wish I could be that girl ; _ ;

If he's my boyfriend, I'd suggest him to cosplay as my favourite character HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'd be his number one fans for sure. But i guess, there's so many other beautiful cosers and fangirls. So, I have a small chances to be the lucky one hahahaha *sighs* I mean, I never even get lucky in crushing, how the hell HAHAHAHAHAHA oh well, whatever.

I'm actually out of things to say though. Ah, hmmmm.... I planned to go to my house next week and probably plays games so I guess I won't be updating next week. It's been soooo long I didn't went there and spend the night. Also, I kinda miss my baby blacky and Chubchub. If I went to SG next year, there will be wayy lesser time for me to meet them. Haaaaa.... I'm actually pretty worried about going there and leaves my parents here. I mean, how can I leave them with that bastard? But thinking back, I've been doing nothing for them so far. So I guess, this is just the right things to do? Perhaps this is the best way for me to pay them back? Like working my best, so they would less worry about me? I mean, I can't stand the fact that I'm still so depending on them and that I'm actually still burdening them in one way or another. I mean, yeah, I work now but I still lives with them so I'm actually still 90% under their care. So I guess, I am making the right decisions of moving out from here and start my own life? I haven't actually figure out what I want to do once I'm there but I know that I won't get any office work anymore. *Sighs* I wonder what's my parent would say if I told them that I'm not going to work as an Accountant at SG. Oh well, I'll just hope for the best then. I hope they'll let me do whatever job that I wish to do. Also, I hope that they'll support my decisions of becoming a part-time youtuber. hahahahaha Ahhhhhh, there's so many worries! I hate growing up sometimes! but at least, there's some changes in my life i guess. Rather than staying in my comfort zone, I guess I am making the right decision, right? I wonder..... I really am wondering. Will this decision turn my life better?

Who could say? I guess I'll just go for it and find out myself eh?

hmmmmm.. well, that's all for now. I'll be back soon.

Bye :)

February BeGONEE!!! Also future plan.

Hello, bloggy. I'm sorry I've been feeling out of the weather lately. I'm just feeling extremely mentally and physically exhausted for the last few days. I guess I'm just having one of those moment where every feelings just hit me like a train or probably a spaceship. hahahaha but yeah, I'm ignoring almost everyone and I'm enjoying it so far. I mean, I got me time but at the same time, I just hate to feel lonely. *sighs*

But to be honest, I gotta say.... I'm just getting tired to finding people and I just at my point where I want people to look for me or at least text me first. Not in a group. I mean, personally text me in person. But I guess that's just too much to ask. I just feel... I don't know. Neglect? Ignored? Not important? I guess a little bit of all three. My parents... Well, they're clueless of what I'm feeling right now. Just like they usually did and they just assume that I'm being a bitch, since I've always been acting like this since forever. So..... yeah. Not that I'd tell them anyway. I mean, they wouldn't even understand it so why bother. Right? So I feel like hell right now. I feel like taking a leave tomorrow. An emergency leave, ya know. Cuz' I dont feel like dealing with people just yet. I just *SIGHS* it's like... I have so much to say out loud but I just can't think of a person who would care enough to listen to it. But I guess this is alright. I mean, I'm gonna leave this place for good soon though. I've made up my mind that I'm grabbing the opportunity that is given to me and that I shall start a new life at Singapore with my friends. I'm going. Though I still don't know if I should continue to work in a business related company or perhaps just some normal work like sales person or maybe a Barista. I'm still thinking though. But as long as I get enough offday, I'm fine with any of it. hahahaha *sIGHS* I need to tell my parent though. About the work that I'll be taking when I'm going to Singapore later on. But for now, considering how many times I've been feeling like this, since the starting of the year, I'm just looking forward to lives far away from here. Maybe it's for the best for everyone and for me, especially. I mean, even my birthday this year. It doesn't feel like birthday at all. It was all thanks to my usual gang, Shuhui, Kenny and my baby girl Joan who threw me a surprise birthday party. I was sooooo close to shed a tears that time hahahaha because I shit you not. For my entire life, I had never been given a surprise bday party. I was the one who was always throwing surprise for people. Well, it was my fault for expecting people would swim across the same river like I did. I guess, I shouldn't have think that. It was my own fault. It was pretty disappointing but yeah, that's why I love my gangs so much. I definitely will hold them dearly close to my heart till the end of my existence. *sighs* also, my bestie Val was being sweet too on my birthday. She bought a small Doraemon doll at Kuching and brought it back to Miri and she wrote a small note with a cute message on it. Present from hers was always my favourite. That's why I love her so much. hahahaha

Well... Speaking of living in SG tho.... I'm planning that if I have extra money leftover for my first few month expenses after moving there, I might will start to set up my gaming channel which I've always been dreaming of wanting to do. I think it would be much more easier to find a capture cards and a cheap gaming set up in SG since they're like pretty modern country and there's actually many Youtubers. Also, my friends has actually supporting me for doing it so.... I guess there won't be any problems. I might suck a lot but yeah, I'm not gonna doing it to impress people. I'm just doing it to finish all my unfinish game and to play games that I wanted to play but have no courage to start. hahahahaha the channel probably will suck a lot but ehh, don't mind it. It'll be my new hobby somehow hahaha xD if it success, then luck is on my side, if it not, then it's okay :)
Also, If I'm going to do that, I definitely need to start discipline myself with time and shit like that. I mean, I'm a mess. I'm never punctual and I'm just bad at cleaning and shit. So, I guess I really should start doing real shit so my parent, especially mom will not have to worry about me while I'm away. I also need to fix things up with dad. I mean, I admit that I did being a big of a bitch this few weeks and I just.... Haaaaaaaa.... I should try a little harder and be more patience with him. I mean, it's how he is and I know he's annoying. So, I should already be very used to it right? Hmmm.... Maybe I should.. Not maybe. I have too.

Speaking of away. There's only around 3 month left before I'm going for another trips with my gangs. We're going to Penang this time. I think I've mention this on my previous post hahahaha but yeah, I'm pretty excited about this trip. I'm just scared that I won't have enough money to go there since my paycheck is pretty shitty. *SIGHS* I wanted to ask from my parents for the money but since my dad isn't working anymore and that bigot of a brother of mine is still shitty as fuck, it just make me think twice. And I've been planning on dye-ing my hair again soon.... So *SIGHS* money problem alert hahahaha.

Also, I really need a new hobby though. I'm losing grip with everything I always loves to do and I don't even selfie that often nowadays hahahaha.... I probably just start saving up after Penang trip and buy myself a gaming laptop. So I could start to learn playing some online gaming? ahahaha since I already have my Steam Acc. I might just try to play some of it, as practice so I won't suck a lot after when I setting up my channel hahahaha and yeah, I'm thinking that for my videos, I might just use the commentary without having to put my face up on the screen because hell, I'm already awkward as it is HAHAHAHA I can't even imagine I'm gaming with vidcam on my face while talking through the gaming session. Like nu uh... hahahahahahahaha even in the 3-sec video for B612 and Snow has already make me feel awkward, imagine a 15 minutes video. Like holy shit man,. no thanks. HAHAHAHAH and if I have viewers and they ask to reveal my face, I'll just link them to my Insta account HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I mean, I have wayyyyy too many selfies in that account than anywhere else. and plus, my insta is like revealing a little piece of me every time I post somethings. so its a plus for them HAHAHAHAHA okay I should stop day dreaming. I'm actually not sure how I'm going to do it but yeah, the unknown is scares me but excite me for the most part. So I'm just gonna give it a go. I also plan like I might not gonna post everyday but maybe once a week or twice a week the most. I mean, I still have to work for a living because I don't plan to monetize my videos.. so yeah hahahahaha well maybe I would if I have the consent from the gamemaker.

I guess that's all for now. I need to try to get some sleep since I had to wake up early tomorrow. I guess I shall try to be punctual starting tomorrow hahahahaha Wish me luck! I'll drop by soon.