Mushroom Soup :)

Hi. I put up a happy selfie here but I don't actually feel that happy hahaha um... Well, I just had a sudden emotion wreck and I well-- I realized how lonely I am. hahaha well, it's nothing new. I know, I know I've been talking about how lonely I am and that I don't really need people to be beside me all the time. I mean, I don't exactly need people to be with me 24 hours but well--- How should I put this. I feel alone. I mean, yea... I have family and friends but having them doesn't make me feel less lonely. I feel like that they don't exactly care? I don't know. It must be just my brain talking or I'm just tired. I guess. haha... Well, actually this sudden realization hit me last sunday. During Easter, and I went to church with my family and sis Jaba and her family was there too. And there this one session where we just shake hands with everyone, like you know, since we're a one big family and stuff and when that time comes, I realized that everyone else have someone to shook their hands with and I literally stood there, laugh awkwardly for a second, because I just didn't have anyone to shook with like literally. I felt a pang in my heart but I decided not to show it because yeah, I... I guess it doesn't even matter though. I mean, not as if people would realize it anyway. I mean, I always have friends to go out with right? I'm a very friendly person, right? That I surely always have someone to be around with right? heh, all of that is just a bullshit. I mean, I do realized that I have friends, best friends and all the shit, but by the end of the day, I ended up curling on my bed all by myself, Hell, I think I have more conversation with myself than other people. I wish it was easy to reach out. I do want to reach out, I want to tell people, somebody.. anybody at least... that I feel so alone that it so hard to get through each and every day, wanting to be surrounded by people and you just don't want that day to end because you knew, you knew so well that once you go home, that feeling you loathed is going to drown you.

I wanna reached out sometimes. But I don't think that there would be people who would understand or even care. I mean, I could tell that they would tell me something like "You lonely? But you have so many friends!" or something like, "Oh, you have us!" bullshit. BULLSHIT. Sometimes, I need something more than just words of assurance. I guess, this is the irony of my previous post haha... I'm doing what I wish people do to me to other people. It's actually my deepest desire that someone would actually swam the ocean for me, like I did for them. But I guess it's impossible. I guess, I really outdone myself eh? But if I didn't do all those shit, I won't have anybody and I'll ended up literally alone and I hate that. If miracles really exist, I just hope that someone would come to me while I was all laughing and smiling, and look me in the eyes, and told me, "Stop pretending that you're okay all the time. You're lying to yourself and you'll ended up hurting yourself."

But that's only will happen in the movie. Heh.. Sometimes I wish my whole life is just a movie or a mini series or something. It feel so hard, even just to take a breather sometimes. Oh, I relapsed. I can't stand the lumpy feeling in my chest and I can't exactly screamed it out, all my frustration and shit. So, I thought it's my last resort. So I just drag the blade across my skin, making a few red streak, not too deep but just enough to drew a little blood. I feel a little relief though. I mean, no one would even take notice of it anyway. So, I just didn't see any point of not doing it. I mean, scars. Yeah, I already have them. From my previous cuts and 'sides, I already am having skins problems hahahaha. It sting though but that's okay. I miss it.I feel better.

I wonder... I'm not saying that I'm suicidal right now. No, I never actually want to die but I wonder... If I drew the blade a little closer to my wrist and a little deeper until I actually cut my veins, I wonder how would my so-called friends would react. I wonder how would people who told me they love me would react. I wonder how my parents would react. What would they do? Will they just cry and told me that they should see all the signs? Or would they be there for me and keep an eye on me so I wouldn't do it ever again? well, I guess we never know until I finally do it hahaha. Just kidding. I won't do it. I don't have the guts to do it anyway. I'm a coward. The best I would do is yeah, just small cuts. So nothing to worry about. It's not that dangerous. I mean, it's not easy to completely heal if you had the kind of thinking like me. I'm weak. hahahaha Haaaaa.... I guess I'll just wear my cardigan tomorrow. It'll heal in a week or so, So... I'm not worry about it. I'll just have to hide it.... Or not. I mean, who cares? They all have their own problems to deal with. Why should they care about what happen to me. I don't matter. I'll stay quiet for a while. Taking a break from social medias, I guess. And well, I probably just stay here, listening to my awesome new playlist lol xD. Yeah, and this is my safe haven. So *sighs* Also, I'm sorry that this turn out to be unhappy post when I promise to talk about something happy this morning. I'll make it up to ya soon. I can promise you that. I just need a break. hahaha.

Well, I guess that's all for now.
Bye ;)

Happiness Rhymes with Pineapple!!!!!!! ((( o(≧∇≦o)

HELLO AGAIN! Update twice this month eh? HAHAHAHAHAHA IT'S A MIRACLE! hahahahahaha yeah, well... I have many things to say omgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomgomg HAHAHAAHHA well, not THAT many but yeah, pretty awesome things happen in my life lately that I couldn't help but to feel so blessed! just ERGMAGERDDDD hahahahaha xD Anyway, let's start with something simple. Like uhhhh my daily life? Well, daily life.... There's nothing much change. My job is like the usual, boring but since it's the end of the month, so I'm pretty occupied with work so time flew fast and yeah, JUNE IS COMING AAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!! the trip! and also, I can't wait to meet Kenny. Gosh, I miss that bitch so much hahahaha it's been a while we didn't call each other hmmm maybe I should call him soon hahaha I just miss his bitchy laugh HAHAHAHA Shock Hui and Joan, I don't miss them that much because we literally just met like last week and had some Japanese food for dinner because Joan suddenly crave for it hahahaha yea, but like, I'm always give my time for them. I mean, I'm trying my very most best to give my time for my precious people even though I'll ended up tired later on hahahaha I mean, what's worst can happen other than getting sick? hahahaha it's okay, it's all right. I feel better if I could make someone's day. I mean, I know too well the feeling of not having anyone around you when you need someone. I realized that I've been doing this shit since forever for almost everyone, ever since I have my driving license and even more after I got the job hahaha xD Am I doing too much for others and too little for myself? Hmmm, I don't think so. hahaha and yeah, I am also a firm believer of 'If someone care about you, they'll leave everything for u'. I've been telling this to so many people that I do everything for them but I know too well that nowadays, word just word. So, from now on, I want to show them that I do mean it. They could try call me 3 in the morning, I shall answer the call or return it in a split second. I'd drive to their house if they need me. Because, YOLO Bitches. HAHAHAHA I mean, I'm just at the point that I want to cherish people I care about because we never know when we'll reach the end of our life. It could be tomorrow, maybe in a year or five years to come. Who could ever guess. My point is that, before anything bad happen or our relationship just happen to fluctuated, and if I ever just become a memories for them, I want to be the best in their mind. I want to be the part of the memories where it could make them smile when they thought of me, I want them to be able to stay happy whenever I crossed their mind and able to get through the day with a optimism when they thought of me :)

Also... I have a pleasant conversation with dad lately, tho we still bickering some times. I mean, almost, most of the time but yeaaa, we're in an O-K relationship for the time being. I mean, time will heals right? So, I do believe that we'll fix this relationship between us and I should try way harder than this so I can make him happy, mom happy, everyone's happy and it's a win-win for everyone hahaha.

The trip is one month awayyyyy~~~~~~~~ AYYYYYY!!! hahahahaha I'm wondering like do we still going to make the group t-shirt though? And if we do, I wanna do it fast like I want to wear it so badly like AHHH!!! also, I decided that for this trip I'm gonna do some video edits. Well, with the help of a special Apps of course (i'm not that talented in video editting LOLOLOLOL) Especially if we're really going to the Escape PArk. I WANNA TRY THE SUPER HIGH FLYING FOX AND THE JUMP OFF THE TOWER or something ACTIVITY! I WANNA FLYYYYY!!! hahahahahaha well, i'm not sure how I'm gonna do it, YET but yeah, I wanna do it and post it on insta and I'll cherish it hahahahaha I use cherish too much hahahaha xD
<------ THis picture actually my most favourite selfie so far. HAHAHAHA my selfie game is hella on top right now HAHAHAHAHA practice does make perfect sometimes HAHAHAHA okay, I was distracted for a while there because of my beauty in selfie HAHHAHAHAHA kill me. OH, actually... the real reason why I'm blogging today is that I WENT WITH SIS INUT TO SCAN HER FIRST BABY YESTERDAY AND I GOT THE CHANCE TO SEE IT FOR THE FIRST TIME AND IT WAS SO CUTE AND I WAS RIGHT ALL THE TIME WHEN I TOLD MY MOM IT WOULD BE A BOY AND IT WAS A CUTE WITTLE BOY AND I LOVE IT SO MUCH AND I CAN'T WAIT TO MEET IT SOON. SHE WILL GIVE BIRTH TO THAT PRECIOUS BABY IN JULY LIKE ASJDWIEUFHIUWEHGIUERHGIUEHRUIGHEUIHGIUEHRGIUEWHFUWIGHUIRWHGIUWHG

This is the scan photo. Look at how adorable he is. AWhhhhh, my heart just fill with love and I just *SIGHSSS* i can't wait to welcome him to the world ⁽(◍˃̵͈̑ᴗ˂̵͈̑)⁽

OH ALSO. I have another news! I've been dying to tell about this one but my toothache stopped me from writing because holy shit. HAHAHAHA the pain is unbearable. I need to find a time to go and pull it out. I can't keep on depending on painkiller or the painkiller will literally get me killed. Oh! the irony! HAHAHAHAHA OKAY. are you ready for this HAHAHAHAHAHA

Okay, remember on my previous post, I've been talking about a coser from Miri named Hakken RYOU. AAAAAAAA HAHAHAHAHA *ahem* okay, cool down Pgie. Pls. hahahahahaha and guess whatttt, right after I posted about him and been thinking about it, suddenly this one particular day, he posted on Miri Cosplay Club on facebook which where me and sis Jaba also happen to be the member like I don't know why we even be in there since we don't even cosplaying, like at all HAHAHAHA but yea, putting that fact aside..... HE WAS POSTING THAT HE'S GOING TO MAKE A SPECIAL BIRTHDAY PARTY CELEBRATION WITH A MYSTIC MESSENGER THEME LIKE KJFKSFJSDKFHKDSGDFJGSKGD AND obviously, I'm currently addicted to the game like HOW MANY MORE COINCIDENCE CAN HAPPEN IN A MONTH KLFWLJFWUWEGKELNGILUGEW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA 

<----- that's the invitation's look like and yeah, for obvious reason, we had to pay for the entrance fees but IT DOESN"T MATTER hahahahaha well, I tagged sis Jaba in the comment on the post and then I ask her to go with me for the party and she SAY YES AND I FEEL SO HAPPY BUT THEN, I just don't have the guts to message Hakken to reserve our seat but then, thank God that time, sis Jaba was volunteering to inbox him and then she like inbox him and after few days he replied and like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA SHE TOLD ME WHILE I WAS IN THE OFFICE AND I JUST CAN'T HELP BUT TO LET OUT A SMALL SQUEALS AND THAT MY MADAM LOOKING AT ME LIKE 'WTF' HAHAHAHAHAHAHA okay, and then, we reserved our seat, pay for the entrance fees and now we just wait for him to send the invitation to sis Jaba's email aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. ALSO, kan I did inbox him, even before he mention about the party because I was DYING to know if he's really are a mirian and then, on the same day he reply to sis Jaba he reply to me. and I'm like HOLYSHIT HE REPLIED OMG HOW THIS I DONT KNOW AAAAAA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA and our conversation become like this. Well, he didn't really reply me much but at least he did reply so it's matter hAHAHAHAHHAHA proceed down below to read. YERRRRR HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

LOOK AT THAT WITTLE LOVE HE PUT RIGHT AFTER 'THANK YOU'~~~(۶ꈨຶꎁꈨຶ )۶ʸᵉᵃʰᵎ Senpai notice me! HAHAHAHAHAHA I just gosh, I'm so happy. I need to bath though. Gotta go work. Well, I'll be back soon and this conversation isn't over


To Be Continue...

Do You Believe in Miracles?

Okay, let me sounds a bit cliche here. Hello~~ April! hahaha xD That wasn't that funny but yeah, I like it hahahaha anyway... It's been a month I didn't came back here. Like woowwww~ is this blog gonna be updated like monthly? I guess, there's a huge possibility it will be that way hahahaha I mean, I've been so busy living my life I don't even have time for stuff anymore. Well, I do have the time but working just drain my energy completely, man. *SIGHS* Well, my job is simple, it just that, I hate it? hahahaha I mean, it's never occur to me, not even once that I'd work as an Accountant. Even my college friends, who took the same course as I am told me, directly that Office Job isn't made for me. hahahaha Well, I may be complaining about it but I need it because I need money HAHAHAHAHA tho the salary ain't that good but it's just enough for me, tho it still can't make me afford a figurine yet hahahaha xD yeaa, it's been few years I didn't actually buy a figurine for myself. I kinda missed the feeling of opening the box and unboxed the figurine and put it together with my other baes (@´_`@) sad, sad feelings hahahaha but well, I guess I'll just have endure it for the time being. I mean, I'm still young and there's still so many things I could do and I'm gonna grab every opportunity I get from now on so I can actually afford my Otakuness life. hahahaha who knows? Maybe one day I'm finally able to set my foot on the Land of the Rising Sun yerrr HAHAHAHAHA *SIGHS* Dare to dream, dare to make it real. Yooo it's actually from one of Paris Hilton's old MV, i think it's called uhhhhh nothing in this world. ( I actually looked it up on Youtube hahahahaha ) AHem, anyway, so far.... my days are ordinary. Just that I planned to spend more times with my family. Tho, so far it's failing. HAHAHAHAHA I need better plans tho. I mean, who knows, once I'm going to SG, we're not going to able to spend time as much as we often did. Tho..... Now not as much as before. Haaaa...... I really do missed the old days. But there's not much different between the old days and the nowadays for me. I'm always alone though HAHAHAHAHA *shrugs*

Okay, narcissistic time... I look so good HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA xD Nah, the truth is, my selfie game seriously leveling up right now. hahahaha I guess, that's because I feel more comfortable and accepting of myself? Yeah... I guess that's must be it. hahahaha though, I do plan of exercising, losing a few pounds before going Penang which is in two more month. Holyshit mannnn~~~ Two more freaking month Aaaaaaaaaaahhhh! I can't wait to go! I want to take as many pictures as I could and cherish it. Also, mostly I look forward for the Escape Park. Because Adventure, bruhhhh~~~~ tho I feel a bit sien cuz Anime Matsuri is going to be held on 1st of July, exactly one month after we went there. Like UGH. life isn't fair....(⌯˃̶᷄ ﹏ ˂̶᷄⌯)゚ But oh well, I just hope that by the end of this year, there's gonna be another Anime convention in Miri because aaaaaahhh!!!! Also, me and sis Jaba did planning to join this year. I mean, not literally joining the competition or anything, just put our cosplays on and just hang out with the other cosers while fangirling HAHAHAHAHAHA since, last year convention, I didn't went with her. I wonder what happen? Probably she have to go somewhere for work, if I'm not mistaken. I just remember that I went there with my gangs, and there I met with Baby Rania as well hahahaha and I also meet with Doraemon, a huge friendly cute doraemon like AAAAAAAAAAAAAh also, speaking of convention last year. It was the first time I meet HakkenRyou like oh lordness.... HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Before I went further, let me ask you this... Do you believe in Miracle? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I mean, oh my god mannn.... Did you know that he's actually lives in MIri? Like in freaking Miri???? A place where I lives and grow for 23 years?????? HAHAHAHAHAHAH oh my gooooooddddddddd... I knew this since last year though but it didn't actually occur to me that much but since yesterday... ka? Uhh, I this yea, since yesterday the feeling of overwhelming hit me like a truck and I'm like, holyshit. Hakken Ryou is Mirian? Like is that even for real?????? I mean, loook at him! LOOK AT HIM! he doesn't even look like a Mirian to me. HAHAHAHAHA He's like uuhhhh I dont know.... Fictional character that came to life??? HAHAHAHAHAA wow, I could just stare at his face whole day, whole week and I don't think I could get tired of it. HAHAHAHAHA Right now, I feel like I wanna inbox him in Facebook like asking him like "I know this is sudden but can I ask you a question?" HAHAHAHAHAHA and i think I wouldnt even wait for him to reply me that I'd just ask him right away if he really were a Mirian like are you for real? You sure you're not from other place? Other world??? maybe.... But I guess, I'll just freak him out HAHAHAHAHA I mean, I do have the tendency of coming too strong towards people HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA yeah. I'm savage.

*Sighs dreamily* Just look at his face tho... hahahahaha perfect anime character that coming to life HAHAHAHAHA i wonder if he prefer guys or girls. I mean, looking back from my crushing experience so far.... My crushes were either, liking someone else, gay, lives 287423864873 miles away from me, taken or.... did I say gay? HAHAHAHAHA *SIGHS* I wish he's not gay tho. Bi, yeah. I mean, at least he still like girls so I still have a hope. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA Just wish that I'm his type tho. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA wish wishy washy...

Well, actually there's nothing much to fangirl about him other than his looks, his talents in cosplaying, and the fact that he look just perfect guy, my kind of guy... just that... I've been wondering like, how does it feel if someone that you admire/a character/celebrity is actually lives in your area? Like holy shiatsu.. this just sounds like anime/ k-drama or every other imaginary stories I've written so far hahahahahahaha and they fell in love with each other and lives happily ever after! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA well, this is reality and considering the fact that reality isn't like fairy tales, it's gonna be hard tho. I mean, unless, I'm blessed with miracles and coincidence happens and we actually meet each other, while he wasn't in his costume, just being his real self and start become friends and BAM! cupid arrow strike! and yeaaa first boyfriend for PGie! Congrats~ HAHAHAHAHAHAHA nah, i'm just kidding. If that happen, walaoweh, i don't even know how to react to that. hahahahaha even so, i think... real him must have girl friend already. I mean, look at him! impossible no girlfriend one la. ahahahaha his girl friend must be the luckiest. Haaaaa... I wish I could be that girl ; _ ;

If he's my boyfriend, I'd suggest him to cosplay as my favourite character HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'd be his number one fans for sure. But i guess, there's so many other beautiful cosers and fangirls. So, I have a small chances to be the lucky one hahahaha *sighs* I mean, I never even get lucky in crushing, how the hell HAHAHAHAHAHA oh well, whatever.

I'm actually out of things to say though. Ah, hmmmm.... I planned to go to my house next week and probably plays games so I guess I won't be updating next week. It's been soooo long I didn't went there and spend the night. Also, I kinda miss my baby blacky and Chubchub. If I went to SG next year, there will be wayy lesser time for me to meet them. Haaaaa.... I'm actually pretty worried about going there and leaves my parents here. I mean, how can I leave them with that bastard? But thinking back, I've been doing nothing for them so far. So I guess, this is just the right things to do? Perhaps this is the best way for me to pay them back? Like working my best, so they would less worry about me? I mean, I can't stand the fact that I'm still so depending on them and that I'm actually still burdening them in one way or another. I mean, yeah, I work now but I still lives with them so I'm actually still 90% under their care. So I guess, I am making the right decisions of moving out from here and start my own life? I haven't actually figure out what I want to do once I'm there but I know that I won't get any office work anymore. *Sighs* I wonder what's my parent would say if I told them that I'm not going to work as an Accountant at SG. Oh well, I'll just hope for the best then. I hope they'll let me do whatever job that I wish to do. Also, I hope that they'll support my decisions of becoming a part-time youtuber. hahahahaha Ahhhhhh, there's so many worries! I hate growing up sometimes! but at least, there's some changes in my life i guess. Rather than staying in my comfort zone, I guess I am making the right decision, right? I wonder..... I really am wondering. Will this decision turn my life better?

Who could say? I guess I'll just go for it and find out myself eh?

hmmmmm.. well, that's all for now. I'll be back soon.

Bye :)

February BeGONEE!!! Also future plan.

Hello, bloggy. I'm sorry I've been feeling out of the weather lately. I'm just feeling extremely mentally and physically exhausted for the last few days. I guess I'm just having one of those moment where every feelings just hit me like a train or probably a spaceship. hahahaha but yeah, I'm ignoring almost everyone and I'm enjoying it so far. I mean, I got me time but at the same time, I just hate to feel lonely. *sighs*

But to be honest, I gotta say.... I'm just getting tired to finding people and I just at my point where I want people to look for me or at least text me first. Not in a group. I mean, personally text me in person. But I guess that's just too much to ask. I just feel... I don't know. Neglect? Ignored? Not important? I guess a little bit of all three. My parents... Well, they're clueless of what I'm feeling right now. Just like they usually did and they just assume that I'm being a bitch, since I've always been acting like this since forever. So..... yeah. Not that I'd tell them anyway. I mean, they wouldn't even understand it so why bother. Right? So I feel like hell right now. I feel like taking a leave tomorrow. An emergency leave, ya know. Cuz' I dont feel like dealing with people just yet. I just *SIGHS* it's like... I have so much to say out loud but I just can't think of a person who would care enough to listen to it. But I guess this is alright. I mean, I'm gonna leave this place for good soon though. I've made up my mind that I'm grabbing the opportunity that is given to me and that I shall start a new life at Singapore with my friends. I'm going. Though I still don't know if I should continue to work in a business related company or perhaps just some normal work like sales person or maybe a Barista. I'm still thinking though. But as long as I get enough offday, I'm fine with any of it. hahahaha *sIGHS* I need to tell my parent though. About the work that I'll be taking when I'm going to Singapore later on. But for now, considering how many times I've been feeling like this, since the starting of the year, I'm just looking forward to lives far away from here. Maybe it's for the best for everyone and for me, especially. I mean, even my birthday this year. It doesn't feel like birthday at all. It was all thanks to my usual gang, Shuhui, Kenny and my baby girl Joan who threw me a surprise birthday party. I was sooooo close to shed a tears that time hahahaha because I shit you not. For my entire life, I had never been given a surprise bday party. I was the one who was always throwing surprise for people. Well, it was my fault for expecting people would swim across the same river like I did. I guess, I shouldn't have think that. It was my own fault. It was pretty disappointing but yeah, that's why I love my gangs so much. I definitely will hold them dearly close to my heart till the end of my existence. *sighs* also, my bestie Val was being sweet too on my birthday. She bought a small Doraemon doll at Kuching and brought it back to Miri and she wrote a small note with a cute message on it. Present from hers was always my favourite. That's why I love her so much. hahahaha

Well... Speaking of living in SG tho.... I'm planning that if I have extra money leftover for my first few month expenses after moving there, I might will start to set up my gaming channel which I've always been dreaming of wanting to do. I think it would be much more easier to find a capture cards and a cheap gaming set up in SG since they're like pretty modern country and there's actually many Youtubers. Also, my friends has actually supporting me for doing it so.... I guess there won't be any problems. I might suck a lot but yeah, I'm not gonna doing it to impress people. I'm just doing it to finish all my unfinish game and to play games that I wanted to play but have no courage to start. hahahahaha the channel probably will suck a lot but ehh, don't mind it. It'll be my new hobby somehow hahaha xD if it success, then luck is on my side, if it not, then it's okay :)
Also, If I'm going to do that, I definitely need to start discipline myself with time and shit like that. I mean, I'm a mess. I'm never punctual and I'm just bad at cleaning and shit. So, I guess I really should start doing real shit so my parent, especially mom will not have to worry about me while I'm away. I also need to fix things up with dad. I mean, I admit that I did being a big of a bitch this few weeks and I just.... Haaaaaaaa.... I should try a little harder and be more patience with him. I mean, it's how he is and I know he's annoying. So, I should already be very used to it right? Hmmm.... Maybe I should.. Not maybe. I have too.

Speaking of away. There's only around 3 month left before I'm going for another trips with my gangs. We're going to Penang this time. I think I've mention this on my previous post hahahaha but yeah, I'm pretty excited about this trip. I'm just scared that I won't have enough money to go there since my paycheck is pretty shitty. *SIGHS* I wanted to ask from my parents for the money but since my dad isn't working anymore and that bigot of a brother of mine is still shitty as fuck, it just make me think twice. And I've been planning on dye-ing my hair again soon.... So *SIGHS* money problem alert hahahaha.

Also, I really need a new hobby though. I'm losing grip with everything I always loves to do and I don't even selfie that often nowadays hahahaha.... I probably just start saving up after Penang trip and buy myself a gaming laptop. So I could start to learn playing some online gaming? ahahaha since I already have my Steam Acc. I might just try to play some of it, as practice so I won't suck a lot after when I setting up my channel hahahaha and yeah, I'm thinking that for my videos, I might just use the commentary without having to put my face up on the screen because hell, I'm already awkward as it is HAHAHAHA I can't even imagine I'm gaming with vidcam on my face while talking through the gaming session. Like nu uh... hahahahahahahaha even in the 3-sec video for B612 and Snow has already make me feel awkward, imagine a 15 minutes video. Like holy shit man,. no thanks. HAHAHAHAH and if I have viewers and they ask to reveal my face, I'll just link them to my Insta account HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I mean, I have wayyyyy too many selfies in that account than anywhere else. and plus, my insta is like revealing a little piece of me every time I post somethings. so its a plus for them HAHAHAHAHA okay I should stop day dreaming. I'm actually not sure how I'm going to do it but yeah, the unknown is scares me but excite me for the most part. So I'm just gonna give it a go. I also plan like I might not gonna post everyday but maybe once a week or twice a week the most. I mean, I still have to work for a living because I don't plan to monetize my videos.. so yeah hahahahaha well maybe I would if I have the consent from the gamemaker.

I guess that's all for now. I need to try to get some sleep since I had to wake up early tomorrow. I guess I shall try to be punctual starting tomorrow hahahahaha Wish me luck! I'll drop by soon.


Hello 2017!!

お久しぶり, みんなさん!hahahaha Well, as you can see my Japanese improved nowadays. Thanks to the Japanese class that I've been suffered so much back then xD. Anyways, I've been planning on updating and even writing on this blog since the first of January but ehhhhhhhh..... Ya know, procrastination and shit happens. hahahahaha xD 

Uh, I've got a lot to tell cuz I mean, obviously I've been M.I.A for almost a year hahahaha but worry not, from now onwards, I shall do my best to keep on updating about my life and shit. I mean, I sort of have a lot of plans I've been wanting to do this year and some is pretty much a huge plan which really gonna give a huge effect between me and my comfort zone. But anyway, I shall put that for the last since I'm going to update about what's been happening last year. HHAHAHAHAHA because holy shit! So many happens and I'm just glad that I'm  still here by now HAHAHAHA oh yeah, once a sucidal maniac, always a suicidal maniac xD

Okay so. Imma start with what just recently happening though. First of all, I've just graduated from my Bachelor Degree last month and it was rather the best time of my life because my one and only Best Friend attend my graduation day. HASHTAG!! BESTFRIEND'S GOALS HAHAHAHAHA and also, Kenny and Joan did help me and Shock Hui a lot that day as well. My mom, sis Jon and Sis lalan also attended the ceremony but eh, I'm fine with my mom. I mean duh! I'm just glad that she actually went to the ceremony because I shit you not, she was almost saying that she's not coming. I'm just like WOW! if I'm a bad children, I'd just invited Val only to go there. hahahahaha Yeah, pretty heartbreaking tho and honestly, other than having Val by my side that day, other things that happen is just make me feel like Meh. fuck everything hahaha. And yeah, sis Jon and sis Lalan also was acting like I was forcing them to come to the ceremony like what the fuck people? I mean, well, I did ask them to go but if they doesn't wanna go, just don't then. No one stopping you. Like ugh. And I'm telling you, the day before the ceremony sis Jon even fucking text me saying shit like she could ask her mom to go with my mom instead of her and I'm like, the fuck? Why are you saying such shit? Like you're the one who was saying wanting to go with me at first place and shit, now you're tellin' me you're gonna let your mom to go? C'mon lah. And I shit you not. I didn't even fucking reply her until she text me again saying like, apologizing for saying such things and saying like not that she doesn't wanna come and shit. like fuck la. *ROLLING EYES INTENSIFIES*

You know, i'm just glad that I'm never gonna have to graduate again. I'm done hahahahaha I mean, yeah, it was disappointing for that part but *SIGHS* past is past. AND SOOOO! I'm looking forward to attend Val's Graduation ceremony which is going to be by the end of the year! WOOT WOOTSS!!! I'm just proud of her. hahahaha xD 

Well, lots of shit happens last year but I'm gonna skip most part because some shits are better left unsaid hahahahaha I just, ehhh don't wanna reopening the old wounds y'know. Because I shit you not, it was one of the most fucking hurtful betrayal that I ever had in my whole fuckin' life. I'm just gonna say that it's happening again. Y'know, the part where I start to have crush on somebody and then the somebody is definitely liking someone who is close to me. Sooooooo yeah. It just that, the one that close to me fuggin' liking the person back while knowing I do like the somebody while at the same time dating another somebody. YEah, WOW, right? Drama of the year. I give u that. hahahahaha xD

Let's stop talking about the past and move on now :)

Y'know, right now I'm already on one step to adulthood in which right now, I'm actually working as an Accountant hahahaha or should I say I'm now an Office Lady *flips Hair* HAHAHAHAHA Yeeeaaaa, well, I started August last year to be exact and its been 6 month i've been working and yeah, I already decided that being an Office Lady isn't the right work for me. I already start to get bored with all the jobs that been given to me and I shit you not, doing an office job with the lowest of the lowest pay of them all is hell. hahahaha yeah, feel like hell. almost every fucking day. I'm just glad that I was put in the same team with lovely people like Mdm Pui and Apple. There's also Margaret, Ms. Ting, Nisa, Fanny, Matthew, and Yunnie. Yeah, they're like the best people to hang out with. The only people I consider as friend is Apple. She's a nice girl and pretty funny too and act cute too much, in a good way. I mean, it pretty much suit her personality. At least she's being herself hahahaha. 

Well, speaking of career tho, if it God's will, I've been planning that by the end of this year, I will try to find a job in Singapore. Right now I'm not so sure what kind of job I wanna try there but I got the feeling of wanting to try out Barista; working at a coffee shop has always been a dream of mine. hahahaha I mean, I'm still holding tight on my ultimate goals in life which is to own a cosplay theme cafe. Like honestly, that dream is what keeping me alive this far. hahahaha xD I did found some company that is looking for a barista but I'm inexperience so I'm not sure if they would take me in. But I do have second choice of career though. Probably working in retail shop, selling anime merchandises like holyshit. I'd tell my boss to just cut my salary off if they let me buy the merch with 50% off. HAHAHAHAHA xD

And ehh, no... I'm not going there alone. Shock Hui and probably Joan will go with me because since Kenny has already get a job there and a place for us all to stay, soooo yeah. It'll be a new challenge for us all. I just hope that we can get along very well. But so far, we're good though. They're like a family to me because I shit you not, when I say they make me feel less lonely, they do and they make me feel more accepted than my own family hahahaha yeah, sad...

 I....'m not saying that I'm not grateful for what my parent had given me. I mean, I have like everything I ever wanted. I have my own car and house that I don't even have to bother to pay because every fucking payment has already settled by them. But then, material things man. It's not exactly what I wanted. No matter how much I want to deny it, I just can't stop feeling how lonely I am exactly. I mean, yeah I have mom, dad, brother. but it just--- SIGHs. I know I shouldn't feel this way but fuck man. I just--- SIGHS. I'm very envious about people who have someone to care about them so much, checking up on them almost daily and just having someone to try their hardest to like the same things as you so that you won't feel isolated. Friends. Yeah, I have those but they're different. They're... Friends. Family is different. I always wanted to have someone who would understand me and like showing that they care and would confronted me why am I behaving like I always did and just trying to straighten things up. And now, things just getting even worst now that Shawny is living with us. Well, not that it's a bad things. It just well, I want attention too but it was sooo obvious that my parent only kinda acknowledging my presence when shawn wasn't around and then, they would acting like blaming me for always locking myself in my room or just being moody and stuff. I mean, I'd tell them everything but it just gonna make things worst. And I guarantee you, they're gonna twist it around and put me to blame.

If I'm being honest right now. I am feeling isolated from everyone. And as much as I hate my job right now, at least I feel included in the office. I keep on telling myself that it's okay to feel lonely and that I shouldn't really care about others because no one would actually care about me. My absence will not affect anyone. Everyone have somebody. And me? I'm.... just having me and my imagination, and not to forget the voices in my head. I'm independent. So, fuck everyone hahahaha SIGHS. well, I said it like that just too make myself feel better. Oh well, I come to this world alone, I will die alone. SO fuck it.

SO much sadness. I should start talking about happy stuff hahahaha Hmmm.. Oh right! this year I'm planning that I'm gonna do cosplay and stuff hahahaha yeah, after years I've finally firmly decided that I'm gonna make it happen this year, no matter what happen. hahahaha and alsoooo, I'll be leaving for another trips with my best buds to Penang. WOOTS WOOTS! I just can't wait to go away from everything. I'm tired living like this. I need adventure, I need to be somewhere else that wasn't here. Maybe not forever, but just for a while. If dying can be done for a week or two. I'd kill myself right here, right now. hahahaha xD Seriously tho.

And also, I'm planning that maybe next year around in the middle of the year, I'll be setting up a gaming channel where I'm going to play maybe all of my unfinished games as well as new games in the store hahahah yeah, I'll do my best to fulfill my goals. I'm just at the point that I wanna try everything and show everyone that I can do it. I want to do so much more for myself because I'm hella tired of doing shit for other people and being underappreciated for everything I did. At least, if I'm doing something for myself, I'd definitely appreciate it, right? Successful or not, It doesn't going to be the matter, but what matter the most is that I'm going to do whatever fuck I want ( and get notice my senpais YERR ) SIGHS, dreams. Dream. Dream. I hope that I'll still be alive by the time. Nah, I'm sure I'll be alive by that time hahahaha I will do my best to keep on living and just keep on moving on my two feet until when I reached my old age, and before I die, I would say; I'm glad that I did all of that shit when I was young.

This year, I'm not planning to fall for another person anymore. I'm tired of that kind of shit happens to me. hahahaha I'll just focus on myself and building a better friendship with my friends who is always there to support me. Most importantly, I'll focus more on bettering myself in everything I do. I might not the best planner there is but yeah, one's could try eh? And as for having the thought of suicide, so far so good..... But I can't guarantee anything. As long as I'm not having that certain level of courage to kill myself, I'll still manage to keep my shit together. hahahaha but what worst could happen if I just happen to slit my wrist a little deeper than the usual? The worst it could get would be hospital but eh, at least I'll still be breathing. hahahahaha Yeah, positive thought much?

But for the time being, I'm just doing this for me. I will try my best to not having any relapse anytime soon and just embrace me for me. Love myself and just be me. I should stop thinking that I need people to comfort me because fuck that. I have internet. ahahaha....

So, yeah.
That's all for now.
Bye :)

Another Unrequited Love Story :)

Hello, hello~ hahaha! I'm back again. YEah, well I have to catch up with deadlines to be honest but I ended up here because I got so much to tell hahahaha you wouldn't believe it but well, it's gonna be more on my current crush of course oohohohohoh XD no one know how much I'm crazy over that boy hahaha too much its frustrating when the rest of your friends wishing him to end up with your other friend. SIGHS I'm definitely sad right now but meh, I'll just keep quiet about it until I'm asked. hahaha Ahem, Anyway. So far, I've only told Lalan about my obsession about Norman Jan hahahahaha and hella, ksajfksajfksag HAHAHAHA I can't even content my bubbling feelings right now like ugh, I hate my life hahahahaha But I do hope he could sense my feelings for him since well, I'm sure capricorn are very sensitive with that kind of thing or maybe he got his gut feelings told him about my mix signals for him HAHAHAHAHA I'm HOpeless I know HAHAHAHAHA I'm crying HAHAHAHA I don't even know why I'm laughing but hella, this is just embarrassing. hajahahahaha Anyway, something happen today hehehehehehe well, nothing big actually but nghhhhhh my heart can't take this HAHAHAHAHA

Actually, today he has this presentation for public speaking (And yes, lalan is in his class too while I'm in Macro SIGHS) AND GUESS WHAT? ngeeeeeeeeeeee HE FUCKING PRESENT ABOUT DORAEMON LIKE WHAAAAAAAT?! aND YOU KNOW EVEN CRAZIER, HE ACTUALLY ASKED ME ABOUT DORAEMON LAST WEDNESDAY LIKE KSFNLSJKFJDHGKJSHRDKWJHDIUHEFIW HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA well, last wednesday. while the rest of our gang were busy talking to one another, I was busy vandalising the school property (the chair) ahahaha and he ask me like, "Draw a Doraemon," and I'm like sending a skeptical glance at him but I drew it anyway and I said like, "I can even draw doraemon with my eyes close." and he chuckles a bit and then he like, "I think I'll be presenting about Doraemon for my public speaking" AND as I'm a huge fans of that cutie bluish doraemon Oh god my eyes flew and went so big and be like, "OH MY GOD YES PLEASE! DO IT!"
 and he laughs again at my reaction ( Oh by the way, he ever mention in our group chat that he always 'love' my reaction which reallly make my heart goes dokidoki HAHAHAHA) and then he said like, "Can u tell me about doraemon then?" and I'm like *INHALED* "WELL< first thing is that doraemon teach u about science and then some of it is about life itself AND then...." I didn't have any idea because it was too impromptu and I just go with, "And how can u not love him and how cute and bluish he is and it just NGHHHHH!" hahahaha and he just shook his head Idk if he was laughing or what because i think shock hui ask me what is happening to me and I'm like nothing. hahahahaha

but I don't wanna dwell in it too much though. I mean, he could be one of the people who like doraemon just as much as i do. I mean, who doesn't love doraemon anyway? HAHAHAHA

AND AND AND another thing is that kan we got this RP class, I mean thesis and well, their class just starting a while ago and then got this one time, where we met them at Kenny's Maku store and he was doing his chapter one. and i saw him and I ask him, what is his topic and he said about gaming and i arched my brows and said like, "I did wanting to do that before but i change it to coffee shop instead. Why u choose the topic tho?" AND GUESS WHAT HE SAID,  HE FREAKING SAId, "BECAUSE You'RE A GAMEr I CAN Ask U
I THINK I BLUSHED THAT TIME. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I HAVE THE TENDENCY TO BLUSH LIKE A LOT and then he even ask me to give him some ideas in gamer perspective. AGAIN IT WAS IMPROMPTU and all I can tell him is like, WEll gaming is good because it like make ur reflect much faster but though the good thing is there, still the bad thing about gaming is wayy alot. hahahahahahahaha I'm HOPELESS

I don't think he even noticed how much of everything he said affect me so much. GOsh, hahahahaha my heart felt clenched whenever I think like both kenny and hui2 like rooting him and ellan. hahahaha and well, with a few nods from me too. hahahaha I mean, like I keep on saying, I know where I stand and I'm pretty sure he won't like me the way I want him too THOUGH of course, I do wish he would feel the same way as I am. hahahaha but for now, i'm just too fucked up to be in a relationship so I think nah. hahahaha I'll try harder to not falling for him even harder than I have now. Gosh, I just nghhhh.. My love life is really sad hahahahaha

Oh right, before I forgot. hahahaha I realized that his hair is not actually black, it's a bit brownish and it's really look good on him and suit his a little tanned-skin of some sort like hell, his look will be the death of me but his awkwardness will be the one that kills me. hahahahaha and ahh, another thing too. Since today he was presenting, he was wearing something more uhh formal, white long sleeves, with black tshirt underneath and matching slacks. He looks so cool, like a megane protagonist from a shoujo manga hahahaha tall, handsome, megane character. hahahaha I'm sad HAHAHAHA because I think he doesn't like me that way hahahahahahahahaha

its hurt just hurt because i know kenny and hui2 will do everything they can to make him end up with ellan and I can't do anything. I mean, I can but it would be meaning that I'm betraying my friends right? So.... hahahahaha I'm so sad HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

BUT, honestly I'm glad of his existence though. Like the first thing I said to him on our first met, after I know he was only 4 days older than I am, "THank you for existing." hahahaha I literally said that though. ANd now, I do mean it. THank you for existing and give me the opportunity to know what love is, and that I still can feel it even when on my darkest hour hahaha. Thank you for simply waken up the girly feeling, and make waking up the butterflies in my tummy once more, at the most unexpected time. And just thank you. Thank you, Norman Jan for just simply existing in my life. hahahaha

Ahh, I almost cry. I probably cry after this so I guess that's all for now. hahahaha

Maybe after I cried everything out, I can maybe lessen the love I feel for him hahahaha though I must be honest that I do hope he feel the same way towards me ^^

Well, if it's God's will, it will meant to be :)

P.S There's always rainbow after the storms, Lel

BYE~ (>.O)

Love, Me.

Daniel James Howell grins will be the death of me xD

Ay~ I'm back. hahahaha did you realized that I've been active in here lately? Well yeah, because of the same reason of yesterday. I'm running away from responsibility HAHAHA meh, I've done my part for I.M assignment though so I'm thinking that today I don't wanna do anything, just consider today as my reward for burning the midnight oil last night hahaha seriously, I was done with everything around 3.30a.m this morning and then I continued reading Dramione's fanfic which resulting me to sleep around 7.30 or 8 something hohohoho SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK! xD
      And my Japanese class cancelled today so i feel a bit bored staying at home because it's freaking stressful since well, the usual stuff. But meh, I'm just looking forward for weekend since I can leave this house and go to where my home is, my own house, my sanctuary yer. hahaha though there I won't have any internet access but I still can played my games and even left some tabs with information i need open before I went there. So far, my mood has been increasingly positive, since the time I've started to spend more time at my home. It just make me realize that it was hella important that I need to leave the house. Bad feng shui in here hahahaha xD So, today. I think I'm gonna talk a bit about Dan Howell, AGAIN. yes. HAHAHAHA

Look at him. Just freaking look at him. He's the definition of perfection kyaaa kyaaaa hahahahaha xD Like ughhh, his existence should be illegal ya know HAHAHAHA if he's my boyfriend, I would definitely cherish him forever and just idk, lock him in the dungeon so that I can have him all by myself HAHAHAHA nah, that's too extreme. Well, I guess I'd definitely being overly cuddly with him, I mean, look at him. Gosh, how in the world would you say no to cuddling with someone like him. Gah~ and the sweater, it's so blue it's killing me softly HAHAHAHA it's not related but whatever hahaha  I honestly find that sweater is rather nice. I would wear it if Malaysia wasn't this hot.
       This bring me to this previous thought of mine where I kinda think like If I'm Dan Howell's girlfriend I would.... maybe I should do it now hohohohohoho Okay! Let's start!
1. Ask him 3 times a day if he really love me. HAHAHAHA Like honestly. Not that I don't believe him but it just that, it's definitely feel surreal to be the girlfriend of someone like him. Like, "Are you serious about me being ur gurl?" hahahahahaha I mean, there's zillions of other girls who are obviously, more stand out, hotter, talented from you and he choose you among those girls, like, "Are you not shitting me now?" HAHAHAHA Maybe I won't ask him 3 times a day, maybe only twice a day, morning and before bed. HAHAHAHA like in the morning, "Morning, do you still love me today?" HAHAHAHA and then at night, "You sure you're not regretting your option of making me ur girl, now?" hahahahahaha I apologize for my insecurity HAHAHAHA

2.  Second, I'm very much have this weirdness with cuddling. I'm not the type to cuddle but if it like someone I like so much, I'd definitely become the cuddliest of cuddler that ever exist hahahahaha SO, if I'm Dan's girlfriend, I might be very cuddly and playing with his hair a lot, like seriously. Look at his hair, oh my god! I just wanna mess with his hair and maybe even braid it hahahaha and put all the colorful and ribbon-ish, candy-ish hair clip kyaaaaaaa hahahhaha

3. He wouldn't have to worry about me cheating on him or maybe leaving him for someone else. hahahahahahaha like DUDE, I don't even go out from my room, especially when I got new anime to watch or drama or just bought new games to play. I'm all yours danny HAHAHAHA Just buy me those things and I'm never gonna leave you, like ever. Comparing us both, I think there are higher chances that he's the one who's gonna leave me, HAHAHAHA xD I gotta say, my loyalty game is strong. Too freaking strong that sometimes I gotten myself hurt for it hahahaha xD

4. If I'm seriously his girlfriend, I'd bake or cook him whatever he wants. I love cooking and baking. Like seriously. No kidding hahahaha but I only cook for those I care the most. So, if he happens to be my boyfriend, he'll be lucky. hahahaha I don't cook for anyone. AND also, I love learning new recipe so that's actually make me a good girlfriend and wifeu material *wink*wink* HAHAHAHAHA killmepls

5. Lastly, if I'm his girlfriend, I won't stop him from doing whatever he wants. He can go and have a sleepover with his friends as long as he wants, as long as he text or call me and tell me beforehand. hahahaha and I wouldn't even mind if he cursed a lot, like hella. Have u not heard his voice when cursing? Like it was the sexiest, at the same time the cutest voice I ever heard in my whole life. hahahahaha

SO, these are the five things I would do to him if he choose me as his girlfriend. IT JUST TOO BAD THAT WE LIVES IN DIFFERENT PLANET OH MY GOSH. hahahaha xD but oh well. If it's God's will, i'll meet him one day hahahaha just hope that he will never find out about this blog HAHAHAHA

IMAGINE his reaction is like in the gif when he stumble upon this post like kajdkasjfksdjhfksdjghsd HAHAHAHAHA I'll be damn HAHAHAHAHAHAHA I've just imagined something impossible Ughuhguhg my life is sad HAHAHAHAHA

*SIGHS dreamily* Ah, by the way. I've been thinking lately *when did i not thinking? hahaha* Um that I think I finally decided that I want to make a gaming youtube channel hahahaha well, not that I want to be famous or anything, it just sound really fun to do and I mean, like if I had the gaming channel of my own, maybe I could use it as an excuse for me to finish every unfinished games that I've been playing. hahahaha I mean, I have A LOT of unfinished games and there's so many new games I hadn't play too. But I think like maybe I won't monetize any of the gameplay I'd do because I don't want to risk it hahaha so maybe if I'm lucky and have few people subcribes to me and that they ask questions about me, then I just monetize the vlog instead. hahahaha Yeah, this is just in planning though. I have a very limited financial sources for the time being that I can't afford any capture card hahahaha so, I'll just wait for a miracle to happen or I happen to win some lottery in the future hahahaha
      For now, I'll keep it to myself ^^b. I'm no professional gamer, but I do enjoy my games. hahahaha I just feel like I need to do it. HAHAHAHA I'm trying to create a purpose for my life hahaha at least I manage to do one of my long term bucket list hahahaha AMEN, AMEN TO THAT.

I think I'll write until here for now. I shall be back again soon. Wish me luck in getting Dan Howell as my future husband HAHAHAHAHA AMEN! AMEN!

p.s: the rainbows always came after the storm.

Here's Phil cutest selfie to end this post.

Love, Dan's future wifeu xD