February BeGONEE!!! Also future plan.

Hello, bloggy. I'm sorry I've been feeling out of the weather lately. I'm just feeling extremely mentally and physically exhausted for the last few days. I guess I'm just having one of those moment where every feelings just hit me like a train or probably a spaceship. hahahaha but yeah, I'm ignoring almost everyone and I'm enjoying it so far. I mean, I got me time but at the same time, I just hate to feel lonely. *sighs*

But to be honest, I gotta say.... I'm just getting tired to finding people and I just at my point where I want people to look for me or at least text me first. Not in a group. I mean, personally text me in person. But I guess that's just too much to ask. I just feel... I don't know. Neglect? Ignored? Not important? I guess a little bit of all three. My parents... Well, they're clueless of what I'm feeling right now. Just like they usually did and they just assume that I'm being a bitch, since I've always been acting like this since forever. So..... yeah. Not that I'd tell them anyway. I mean, they wouldn't even understand it so why bother. Right? So I feel like hell right now. I feel like taking a leave tomorrow. An emergency leave, ya know. Cuz' I dont feel like dealing with people just yet. I just *SIGHS* it's like... I have so much to say out loud but I just can't think of a person who would care enough to listen to it. But I guess this is alright. I mean, I'm gonna leave this place for good soon though. I've made up my mind that I'm grabbing the opportunity that is given to me and that I shall start a new life at Singapore with my friends. I'm going. Though I still don't know if I should continue to work in a business related company or perhaps just some normal work like sales person or maybe a Barista. I'm still thinking though. But as long as I get enough offday, I'm fine with any of it. hahahaha *sIGHS* I need to tell my parent though. About the work that I'll be taking when I'm going to Singapore later on. But for now, considering how many times I've been feeling like this, since the starting of the year, I'm just looking forward to lives far away from here. Maybe it's for the best for everyone and for me, especially. I mean, even my birthday this year. It doesn't feel like birthday at all. It was all thanks to my usual gang, Shuhui, Kenny and my baby girl Joan who threw me a surprise birthday party. I was sooooo close to shed a tears that time hahahaha because I shit you not. For my entire life, I had never been given a surprise bday party. I was the one who was always throwing surprise for people. Well, it was my fault for expecting people would swim across the same river like I did. I guess, I shouldn't have think that. It was my own fault. It was pretty disappointing but yeah, that's why I love my gangs so much. I definitely will hold them dearly close to my heart till the end of my existence. *sighs* also, my bestie Val was being sweet too on my birthday. She bought a small Doraemon doll at Kuching and brought it back to Miri and she wrote a small note with a cute message on it. Present from hers was always my favourite. That's why I love her so much. hahahaha

Well... Speaking of living in SG tho.... I'm planning that if I have extra money leftover for my first few month expenses after moving there, I might will start to set up my gaming channel which I've always been dreaming of wanting to do. I think it would be much more easier to find a capture cards and a cheap gaming set up in SG since they're like pretty modern country and there's actually many Youtubers. Also, my friends has actually supporting me for doing it so.... I guess there won't be any problems. I might suck a lot but yeah, I'm not gonna doing it to impress people. I'm just doing it to finish all my unfinish game and to play games that I wanted to play but have no courage to start. hahahahaha the channel probably will suck a lot but ehh, don't mind it. It'll be my new hobby somehow hahaha xD if it success, then luck is on my side, if it not, then it's okay :)
Also, If I'm going to do that, I definitely need to start discipline myself with time and shit like that. I mean, I'm a mess. I'm never punctual and I'm just bad at cleaning and shit. So, I guess I really should start doing real shit so my parent, especially mom will not have to worry about me while I'm away. I also need to fix things up with dad. I mean, I admit that I did being a big of a bitch this few weeks and I just.... Haaaaaaaa.... I should try a little harder and be more patience with him. I mean, it's how he is and I know he's annoying. So, I should already be very used to it right? Hmmm.... Maybe I should.. Not maybe. I have too.

Speaking of away. There's only around 3 month left before I'm going for another trips with my gangs. We're going to Penang this time. I think I've mention this on my previous post hahahaha but yeah, I'm pretty excited about this trip. I'm just scared that I won't have enough money to go there since my paycheck is pretty shitty. *SIGHS* I wanted to ask from my parents for the money but since my dad isn't working anymore and that bigot of a brother of mine is still shitty as fuck, it just make me think twice. And I've been planning on dye-ing my hair again soon.... So *SIGHS* money problem alert hahahaha.

Also, I really need a new hobby though. I'm losing grip with everything I always loves to do and I don't even selfie that often nowadays hahahaha.... I probably just start saving up after Penang trip and buy myself a gaming laptop. So I could start to learn playing some online gaming? ahahaha since I already have my Steam Acc. I might just try to play some of it, as practice so I won't suck a lot after when I setting up my channel hahahaha and yeah, I'm thinking that for my videos, I might just use the commentary without having to put my face up on the screen because hell, I'm already awkward as it is HAHAHAHA I can't even imagine I'm gaming with vidcam on my face while talking through the gaming session. Like nu uh... hahahahahahahaha even in the 3-sec video for B612 and Snow has already make me feel awkward, imagine a 15 minutes video. Like holy shit man,. no thanks. HAHAHAHAH and if I have viewers and they ask to reveal my face, I'll just link them to my Insta account HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I mean, I have wayyyyy too many selfies in that account than anywhere else. and plus, my insta is like revealing a little piece of me every time I post somethings. so its a plus for them HAHAHAHAHA okay I should stop day dreaming. I'm actually not sure how I'm going to do it but yeah, the unknown is scares me but excite me for the most part. So I'm just gonna give it a go. I also plan like I might not gonna post everyday but maybe once a week or twice a week the most. I mean, I still have to work for a living because I don't plan to monetize my videos.. so yeah hahahahaha well maybe I would if I have the consent from the gamemaker.


And.....
I guess that's all for now. I need to try to get some sleep since I had to wake up early tomorrow. I guess I shall try to be punctual starting tomorrow hahahahaha Wish me luck! I'll drop by soon.

Bye.

Hello 2017!!

お久しぶり, みんなさん!hahahaha Well, as you can see my Japanese improved nowadays. Thanks to the Japanese class that I've been suffered so much back then xD. Anyways, I've been planning on updating and even writing on this blog since the first of January but ehhhhhhhh..... Ya know, procrastination and shit happens. hahahahaha xD 

Uh, I've got a lot to tell cuz I mean, obviously I've been M.I.A for almost a year hahahaha but worry not, from now onwards, I shall do my best to keep on updating about my life and shit. I mean, I sort of have a lot of plans I've been wanting to do this year and some is pretty much a huge plan which really gonna give a huge effect between me and my comfort zone. But anyway, I shall put that for the last since I'm going to update about what's been happening last year. HHAHAHAHAHA because holy shit! So many happens and I'm just glad that I'm  still here by now HAHAHAHA oh yeah, once a sucidal maniac, always a suicidal maniac xD

Okay so. Imma start with what just recently happening though. First of all, I've just graduated from my Bachelor Degree last month and it was rather the best time of my life because my one and only Best Friend attend my graduation day. HASHTAG!! BESTFRIEND'S GOALS HAHAHAHAHA and also, Kenny and Joan did help me and Shock Hui a lot that day as well. My mom, sis Jon and Sis lalan also attended the ceremony but eh, I'm fine with my mom. I mean duh! I'm just glad that she actually went to the ceremony because I shit you not, she was almost saying that she's not coming. I'm just like WOW! if I'm a bad children, I'd just invited Val only to go there. hahahahaha Yeah, pretty heartbreaking tho and honestly, other than having Val by my side that day, other things that happen is just make me feel like Meh. fuck everything hahaha. And yeah, sis Jon and sis Lalan also was acting like I was forcing them to come to the ceremony like what the fuck people? I mean, well, I did ask them to go but if they doesn't wanna go, just don't then. No one stopping you. Like ugh. And I'm telling you, the day before the ceremony sis Jon even fucking text me saying shit like she could ask her mom to go with my mom instead of her and I'm like, the fuck? Why are you saying such shit? Like you're the one who was saying wanting to go with me at first place and shit, now you're tellin' me you're gonna let your mom to go? C'mon lah. And I shit you not. I didn't even fucking reply her until she text me again saying like, apologizing for saying such things and saying like not that she doesn't wanna come and shit. like fuck la. *ROLLING EYES INTENSIFIES*

You know, i'm just glad that I'm never gonna have to graduate again. I'm done hahahahaha I mean, yeah, it was disappointing for that part but *SIGHS* past is past. AND SOOOO! I'm looking forward to attend Val's Graduation ceremony which is going to be by the end of the year! WOOT WOOTSS!!! I'm just proud of her. hahahaha xD 

Well, lots of shit happens last year but I'm gonna skip most part because some shits are better left unsaid hahahahaha I just, ehhh don't wanna reopening the old wounds y'know. Because I shit you not, it was one of the most fucking hurtful betrayal that I ever had in my whole fuckin' life. I'm just gonna say that it's happening again. Y'know, the part where I start to have crush on somebody and then the somebody is definitely liking someone who is close to me. Sooooooo yeah. It just that, the one that close to me fuggin' liking the person back while knowing I do like the somebody while at the same time dating another somebody. YEah, WOW, right? Drama of the year. I give u that. hahahahaha xD

Let's stop talking about the past and move on now :)





Y'know, right now I'm already on one step to adulthood in which right now, I'm actually working as an Accountant hahahaha or should I say I'm now an Office Lady *flips Hair* HAHAHAHAHA Yeeeaaaa, well, I started August last year to be exact and its been 6 month i've been working and yeah, I already decided that being an Office Lady isn't the right work for me. I already start to get bored with all the jobs that been given to me and I shit you not, doing an office job with the lowest of the lowest pay of them all is hell. hahahaha yeah, feel like hell. almost every fucking day. I'm just glad that I was put in the same team with lovely people like Mdm Pui and Apple. There's also Margaret, Ms. Ting, Nisa, Fanny, Matthew, and Yunnie. Yeah, they're like the best people to hang out with. The only people I consider as friend is Apple. She's a nice girl and pretty funny too and act cute too much, in a good way. I mean, it pretty much suit her personality. At least she's being herself hahahaha. 

Well, speaking of career tho, if it God's will, I've been planning that by the end of this year, I will try to find a job in Singapore. Right now I'm not so sure what kind of job I wanna try there but I got the feeling of wanting to try out Barista; working at a coffee shop has always been a dream of mine. hahahaha I mean, I'm still holding tight on my ultimate goals in life which is to own a cosplay theme cafe. Like honestly, that dream is what keeping me alive this far. hahahaha xD I did found some company that is looking for a barista but I'm inexperience so I'm not sure if they would take me in. But I do have second choice of career though. Probably working in retail shop, selling anime merchandises like holyshit. I'd tell my boss to just cut my salary off if they let me buy the merch with 50% off. HAHAHAHAHA xD

And ehh, no... I'm not going there alone. Shock Hui and probably Joan will go with me because since Kenny has already get a job there and a place for us all to stay, soooo yeah. It'll be a new challenge for us all. I just hope that we can get along very well. But so far, we're good though. They're like a family to me because I shit you not, when I say they make me feel less lonely, they do and they make me feel more accepted than my own family hahahaha yeah, sad...

 I....'m not saying that I'm not grateful for what my parent had given me. I mean, I have like everything I ever wanted. I have my own car and house that I don't even have to bother to pay because every fucking payment has already settled by them. But then, material things man. It's not exactly what I wanted. No matter how much I want to deny it, I just can't stop feeling how lonely I am exactly. I mean, yeah I have mom, dad, brother. but it just--- SIGHs. I know I shouldn't feel this way but fuck man. I just--- SIGHS. I'm very envious about people who have someone to care about them so much, checking up on them almost daily and just having someone to try their hardest to like the same things as you so that you won't feel isolated. Friends. Yeah, I have those but they're different. They're... Friends. Family is different. I always wanted to have someone who would understand me and like showing that they care and would confronted me why am I behaving like I always did and just trying to straighten things up. And now, things just getting even worst now that Shawny is living with us. Well, not that it's a bad things. It just well, I want attention too but it was sooo obvious that my parent only kinda acknowledging my presence when shawn wasn't around and then, they would acting like blaming me for always locking myself in my room or just being moody and stuff. I mean, I'd tell them everything but it just gonna make things worst. And I guarantee you, they're gonna twist it around and put me to blame.

If I'm being honest right now. I am feeling isolated from everyone. And as much as I hate my job right now, at least I feel included in the office. I keep on telling myself that it's okay to feel lonely and that I shouldn't really care about others because no one would actually care about me. My absence will not affect anyone. Everyone have somebody. And me? I'm.... just having me and my imagination, and not to forget the voices in my head. I'm independent. So, fuck everyone hahahaha SIGHS. well, I said it like that just too make myself feel better. Oh well, I come to this world alone, I will die alone. SO fuck it.

SO much sadness. I should start talking about happy stuff hahahaha Hmmm.. Oh right! this year I'm planning that I'm gonna do cosplay and stuff hahahaha yeah, after years I've finally firmly decided that I'm gonna make it happen this year, no matter what happen. hahahaha and alsoooo, I'll be leaving for another trips with my best buds to Penang. WOOTS WOOTS! I just can't wait to go away from everything. I'm tired living like this. I need adventure, I need to be somewhere else that wasn't here. Maybe not forever, but just for a while. If dying can be done for a week or two. I'd kill myself right here, right now. hahahaha xD Seriously tho.

And also, I'm planning that maybe next year around in the middle of the year, I'll be setting up a gaming channel where I'm going to play maybe all of my unfinished games as well as new games in the store hahahah yeah, I'll do my best to fulfill my goals. I'm just at the point that I wanna try everything and show everyone that I can do it. I want to do so much more for myself because I'm hella tired of doing shit for other people and being underappreciated for everything I did. At least, if I'm doing something for myself, I'd definitely appreciate it, right? Successful or not, It doesn't going to be the matter, but what matter the most is that I'm going to do whatever fuck I want ( and get notice my senpais YERR ) SIGHS, dreams. Dream. Dream. I hope that I'll still be alive by the time. Nah, I'm sure I'll be alive by that time hahahaha I will do my best to keep on living and just keep on moving on my two feet until when I reached my old age, and before I die, I would say; I'm glad that I did all of that shit when I was young.



This year, I'm not planning to fall for another person anymore. I'm tired of that kind of shit happens to me. hahahaha I'll just focus on myself and building a better friendship with my friends who is always there to support me. Most importantly, I'll focus more on bettering myself in everything I do. I might not the best planner there is but yeah, one's could try eh? And as for having the thought of suicide, so far so good..... But I can't guarantee anything. As long as I'm not having that certain level of courage to kill myself, I'll still manage to keep my shit together. hahahaha but what worst could happen if I just happen to slit my wrist a little deeper than the usual? The worst it could get would be hospital but eh, at least I'll still be breathing. hahahahaha Yeah, positive thought much?

But for the time being, I'm just doing this for me. I will try my best to not having any relapse anytime soon and just embrace me for me. Love myself and just be me. I should stop thinking that I need people to comfort me because fuck that. I have internet. ahahaha....

So, yeah.
That's all for now.
Bye :)