Greetings, humanoid :)
Today is Mother's day~ weee~ Well, since I'm pokai right now, so I didn't buy anything for my mom or my aunts and so I thought of giving them something handmade hehe :) Well it's not that good though but I just hope they'll like it. I manage to finish it early this morning and yeah.... I hope they'll like it though hehehe :) I've done giving it to my mom and my aunt next door. I only need to find time to give to indai and mak andau later on. Well, I'm secretly hoping they'll come over though. I'm freaking lazy to drive or going anywhere today kekeke :3
So, tomorrow I'm gonna start my usual routine which is going back to school. Gah, I don't feel like going though. I need more holidays but then, it was never enough eh? hahaha oh well, like I have other choice though. Since next week, I'm going to ask for a week long holidays for Gawai Celebrations but I have to ask my mom first and if she allows it, then access granted. kekeke :3 So, there's been a lot going on in my life lately. Most of it is my downtime and mental breakdown. Gosh, I think it getting serious nowadays hahaha I feel like I'm losing to this downtime, like giving up, even my positive energy almost couldn't save me. hahahaha :D But then again, I'm feeling a little better now. Daryl Dixon save my life. hahahahahah XD oh yeah baby. His hotness is killing my suicide thought hahaha XD and then Good Charlotte's song is playing quite a very big part in this matter too especially the song called Hold On. I feel my burdened lifted a bit after I heard the song :) thank you, GC :)
Well, I suppose to post this post last few weeks ago but I was in confusion whether to write about this or not but then, since I'm feeling okay now so I thought of sharing what I've been through lately. Well, not everything, just briefly.
I love his teeth~ aha :) Yes, Austin Carlile teeth captivated me. hahahaha XD alright. Um... let's straight to business. I have plenty more good news to tell though hehe :) So, um... Well, I don't know how to start but ummm... okay... you see, i've been struggling with my mental breakdown on the past month as well as this month. I just managed to get through this by this week. I was feeling so depressed, angry, guilty, sad, mad, feel like I want to scream out loud and smash everything that I see in front of me, well i didn't do that though hehe :) I don'y know... i just filled with all the negative energy and my mind... hell, I'm stuck in there. but nobody noticed how broken I am. At first I was fine, I still can managed not until my mom told something that breaks me into pieces though and she and the rest of the family given me the look of losing trust on me and they blame me for that. well, sure it was my fault for having a big mouth. Serve me right though. I feel that everyone in the family hates me, and I feel so alone. I just need somebody to be with me that time but no one there. everyone seems to be running away from me and left me there alone, facing every shit all by myself. So, that time. The only thing that coming into my mind is Suicide and self-harm. I shove away the suicide though somehow, I tried real hard to shove it away and I keep convincing myself that I'm a coward that I won't do suicide no matter what. So I didn't but not the second part.
Well... I umm...I was freaking broken that time that I took my eyebrow razor and at first I was hesitate to do it but then again, I'm so mad at myself that I thought I deserved the punishment. So, I put it on my skin and cut. But it's not deep until drew blood no. It is more of scratching my skin actually and I told myself that it just scratching and it wouldn't considered as self-harm somehow and no one would care about it though. And yeah, I'm right about no one cares about me. I covered it up with lots and lots of colorful bracelets in which I haven't done in years, I mean wearing lots of bracelets but it seems like no one noticed about it. Well, if they cared enough about me, they would ask why i'm wearing bracelets only on my left hands? heh, well... like I want them to notice though. I mean, it was the last thing i want people to know. I don't want to be questioned about it somehow. kekeke :D
So... the scratching become my habits for the last few weeks ago. I keep on praying for help and strength that it just feel wrong you know. I mean, it just so not me to give up over shitty stuff like this but there a voice telling me that it just scratching and its totally harmless. I wasn't quite convince though that I searched on google. (Idiot, am I? hahaha) and I found that scratching will leads to cutting eventually. mostly, they all started with scratching since they thought it was harmless. I don't wanna cut you see. It's not like I'm scared of blood or dies, it just that I don't want to be blame anymore. enough is enough. even if I'm dead, I can't afford that. kekeke XD I'm just concerned that the cut will leave a permanent mark on my skin that it will be so hard for me to hide it and it would give my future hard time to move on in life every time she saw the scars. it was for my own good. I don't care about others, they don't care about me as well *shrugs* So, I took the advice in which they said that I should tell somebody about it.
So I did. I told Lalan about it and I'm regretting it. But then, it's better than telling sis Jaba though. I mean, she has her own thing to settle with and I don't want to be a burdened for her. She had enough problems to settle with. I don't want to annoy her with my presence somehow :) Anyway, ummm... well, why I regret it? there are few reasons why. Well, honestly I told Lalan because she's the one that won't even bother to ask why in which the attitude I really need the most. I thought she wasn't concern about me since I told her that I've stopped (which was a total lies) but then again, once she called me for nothing. I thought she has something to tell me or ask me to help but she simply calling me just to ask me if I'm doing fine or not. That time, I see the sparkles of hope that there are still someone care about me. I stopped. Not for long though, since my mom starts to give pressures by the way she talks to me, the way she look at me and I don't know... she's like pulling my trigger. So, I again took the razor to my skin and scratched. but this time, I think I might put the razor a little deeper that it started to draw some bloods from the marks. I was shocked by the first attempt but that didn't stop me, I cut few more until I feel a little relieves. The cut wasn't deeper though, it still can be considered as a scratching :)
And then, I prays for help again and that is the time GC saved me. I was driving somewhere that time, i think I was going to fetch the maids and suddenly GC's songs, Hold On plays on my player and I feel like I'm being comforted. the lyrics saved me. So, I decided to stop. And here I am today... Today is my second day of free from self-harm and I think I'll managed since I don't have to be at home like 24/7 now since I got school :) I love school hahahaha XD
So, back to why I regret that I've told Lalan/ Well, you see... I umm... I always finds her make fun of me you see like today, I told her that my lips is dry and every time I speak, it would crack and then she told me, "so now you're doing it to your lips?" and chuckles. Well I chuckles too... she didn't know it hurts me though. I mean, well... maybe she didn't mean it that way or maybe she just pretend that she cared before. I mean, everyone can pretend that they care after somebody told them about something like this, right? So that the person will tell the rest of the world on how nice they were. pshh... that just lame tactic. Well again, maybe I'm just being negative here and maybe I have trust issues now. I just can't trust anyone with anything about myself anymore. enough is enough. I'm betrayed enough. I rather sit here and do my own thing. I trust people too easy and maybe that's why everybody turn their back against me after that. I maybe deserve it somehow.... So, wish me luck on this though. Hopefully I can managed this somehow :)
So, last Friday... sis Inut got married! woohooo~~~~ XDD congratulations. Finally she's married. Well, this make me thinking, after her, who's gonna marry next? hehehe definitely not me. kekeke :3 I'm officially social retarted nowadays so there's no hope for the next 2 to 4 years ahead. kekeke :3 Anyway, bot sis Inut and bro Ment is like a pair of dove, their hands fit in each others. I hope they'll have a big family in the future and their love will lasts for eternity. Hope they can lives with full of joy and wealth, happiness will come towards them and they'll support each other always through thick and thin. This is what I hope for the both of them. Most importantly, I want them to be happy :)
So, another think I wanna talk about is that my NU ABO. well, i'm starting to write again somehow and I want to finish this one first before i start another projects. I mean, I seriously need to learn how to focus on one story first like I once did when I was younger. hahahaha :D anyway, I'm just newly start writing this and I've stopped for few days now. So, if my brain wanted to cooperate with me later on, then maybe I'll try to write some more. But right now, I have the urge to play SIMS 2 Pets. huahuahuahua XD I'll back to the story later. Well, the story... I can't really tell how I'm gonna do it since I myself have not a single clue on how to deal with it. Let just wait where my brains will take me hehehe :) And I also think to post it on Wattpad once I manage to finish it though. I mean, I want to see how many people would waste their precious time to read my craps hahahaha :) seriously. I have no confidence but I want to know. My English is hell so bad but yeah, I want to know how bad it is. hehehe :) Ummm.... so. I have nothing left to tell you guys here. So, Just to tell that I won't bother looking for anyone. They need me, they look for me. I'm done looking for people, I'm done missing others. I done for everything. if they miss me, they'll call me or dropped by or text me. That's what technologies are for. I'm tired. I'm just done.
So, bye bye for now :)
Shall meet again soon :)
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)