I need sometimes to convince people that i'm fine with this fake smile :)
And i shall say with this bright fake smile of mine that "I'm feeling just fine. I never felt so awesome like this"
And yeah, well... Not much stuff happening lately, just some mental breakdown and feeling left out a bit and seems like no one even care if I'm alive or not. ahahaha I'm just like. here. You know what I mean? I mean, I'm here with them but they just could sense me. I'm just there. hahahaha :D or in other word, I'm invisible. Wooohoo~ hahahaha XD its not nice to be invisible though. I mean, invisibility suck. well, I do like it sometimes since I'm much more of a loner thing. hehehe but yeah, when it came to this, it just suck man. I just can't really express it into word on how bad it is. I just can say, it's suck a lot. Anyway, I'm having bad and good news to tell here and one of the bad news is I haven't study for my finals at all. And it's gonna be next week and yeah, i'm dead. hahahaha XD seriously, I don't feel like studying at all. I mean, with all this shitty things coming into my head lately, I just can't do anything. Even blogging. I just don't feel to do anything at all for now. I'm just like. "Whatever, fuck it. I'm going to fail anyway," hahaha yeah, not funny i know. But really.. I just can't find any motivation to boost up myself anymore. I feel like I'm letting go of myself. I'm just tired I guess.
And, uh... let's start with the good news. hehehe :) Well, my brother is back now and I have faith that he's going to be a better person, a good and responsible brother and a father to shawn. I have faith that he can take care of my parents and pay all his debts to them. and I do believe that he's never going to choose the same dark paths again. Well, I just keep on believing in him like I used too. that's what I suppose to do as a sister to him, right? I just hope that everything will gets even better in my family though. I mean, I hope everything will gets better for my parents. Me? I don't really care about my feelings anymore. I mean, nothing ever gets better on me. hehehei, in facts, it's getting worsened especially every time I feel like trusting people, and eventually, that person would destroyed that trust I put in them and I have feelings that I'm getting even stupider every day. I don't know why but seriously, why in the world am I still forgiving those who have hurts me so much? why am I still wanted to be with them even when I knew they only needs my presence when they have no one else? why? I keep on asking about this. Why am I born stupid? Oh wow, I'm out of track. ahahaha sorry..
uh, back to my bro. He's um... well, he's better now, he's healthy and so far so good. hehe. just that my mum... she's seems to care more towards my brother. I mean, psshhh... of course she cared him more because she doesn't want him to go back again to that shitty stuff. I know that but I could feel that she's care too much that making me felt left out. you know what I'm saying? Well, maybe It just me but seriously. I can't help it but to feel this way. she was like, all about my bro and she eventually making me feel like I'm not there. I was there it just that she don't see me anymore. She only see my brother. I don't hate ,my brother, I love my brother and I love my mom too but it just, *sighs* well, like I said, maybe its just me after all. I don't want to blame anyone else about anything anymore. I've been there and then I found that everything falls apart all because of me. So, I'll just put all the blame on myself though since its seriously coming from my fucked up brains :)
Honestly, I'm struggling so hard to not drawn into cutting. You see... I don't know how to say this but my wrist feel so itchy and I'm so freaking tempted to cut and see the bloods flowing from my veins. I'm just. Oh god, I think I'm crazy. hahaha but seriously, I don't want to do it. I don't want to. Even if I do it, my life won't gets better. and no one would still care somehow. So, I'll just hurt myself in vain. I can't afford that. I'm already is hurt too much mentally, I can't hurt myself physically now. hehehehe :) I know that people only care about someone like me when I'm dead. Seriously, that time, they'll say "Oh, how I wish I was there when she's dying," or even better words they would say, "I know her like forever and now she's gone. Why you have to leave us now? so selfish of you!" heh. then, where are you guys at when I'm still breathing? when I need someone to lean on? when I need hugs? Aren't you selfish yourself? It just fucked up you see. Everyone will start to love and care about you when you're gone from their life. When they know you'll never come back, then they realized how much they loves you. I can't help it but to agree with this. I mean, it's obvious. Sometimes, something like this really make me wants to do suicide but then, maybe I'm too stupid that I care too much about people around me. I keep telling myself that suicide won't worth it, you'll hurt your parents, everyone will get so upset and you'll make things worst. can you believe that? I keep telling myself not to hurt everyone around me when actually those people are the one who make me have this suicidal thought. I'm just dumb I guess.
And then... oh ya... I lost contact to sis Jaba like literally. I was stopping looking out for her because you know why ( i don't want to write the same thing all over again ) and she was like, "Okay, whatever." Well, honestly said. I think her life is much better without me looking out for her. I mean, seriously. She seems to have more fun without me and I always see her in Tumblr and she have a very lively fun chat with her new friends but don't even bother to talk to me. Well, couldn't blame her though. I mean, it really are fun to talk to someone new. I love talking to someone new myself. Well, again I should say this, maybe it just me who think all negative like this. I mean, come on. I'm always negative hehehe :) I just... I don't know. the voices in my head keep on telling me that she's actually never even care about me. You know, not just her, everybody. They all just pretended that they care when they actually not. And the most hurtful I've heard about her is that one time, sis Jon told me that when she was texting with sis Inut last time and she ask her that why they're not coming for a visit to our house anymore and sis inut told her that sis Jaba is rather go on the internet, chatting than spending time like we used to before and that time. God. I'm seriously you know. poof... I'm all gone. hahaha but then as usual, I immediately change the topic though, I don't want to be seen by sis Jon, how much that news hurt me. Well, truth hurts :) At least I know now that I'm not important to her. for all this time, I guess I'm right. I was the only one who felt that they are important and means something to me and I'm just some meaningless dude for them : *shrugs* I can't do anything about that though. Oh well.
And right, speaking of truth hurt. Last time, I was borrong Lalan's phone when I was pooping hehehe since my phone was no battery. So, I was like listening to her playlist and enter one folder to another and then I came to her images folder. So, looked inside la. Then I was so fucking surprise seeing all the pictures she took with her so-called-besties, Lynn. Well, if it just overly make-up, I don't mind. but the thing is, they have this couple of pictures where they wore something so slutty, so cheap, so.... god, i don't know. Got one picture, they took together where this bitch lynn wore only bras and panties and I'm like what the fuck? Seriously. I was like What the fuck? why need to snap something so slutty like that? Thank God that lalan didn't dressed up in something like that. She just wore something so short, that the t-shirt only covers her bust and short pants. Heh. gosh... I don't know what is going on with my sisters anymore. And there goes some lies that lalan told me when I was looking at all the pictures. She told me that she don't wear contact lenses but the fact is, she is. But pshh.... I'm not saying that she should tell me everything. No~ but at least, when people asking, she should just said yes, not often. I mean come on. Why being so hypocrites like that? I mean, why can't she dressed nicely when going shopping with the rest of us like she dressed up when shopping with her friends? why don't she just be herself when with us? Why? why she have to be so fucking pretentious like that? Why?
That's why I said. I'm not an important dudes in the family. No one dare to tell me anything. maybe because I look so untrustworthy. ahahaha :D And yeah, there are so much things happen to me lately and I'm losing interest to keep going about the bullshit. Besides, no one even care though. I sometime tries to reach for someone out there but then again, no one cares. They just pretend that they care but actually they're not. Maybe I should just stay shut up and pasted this awesome smile on my face, because I'm awesome. hehehe and well, I'll be fine somehow. If I can get through last few years, I can get through this too :)
I have myself and I'm still strong to hold on. I have... you know stuff to do and I guess, I'll be studying as hard as I can so that I can go somewhere far away from here. Yep. I think its the best option though. Away from everybody. I don't think anyone would need me here anymore. I guess, I'm making the right decision, telling mum that I wants to further my degrees somewhere overseas. I haven't decides where yet but I guess, the further, the better. Everyone would be happy and it's gonna be happy ending for everyone, and I'm hoping for happy ending for myself too. This is my last solutions. I'll just leave them, because I think this is the least I can do to make them happy. I'm just their burdens.
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)
I'm in love with this guy. kekekeke XD his name is Josh Fontaine but he's a year younger than I am T^T haahahaha XD oh well, he's cute :)