I Don't Mind the Rain

Well greetings. It's been ages I didn't update this blog. I've been pretty active in Facebook nowadays and I'm not sure why hahaha well, actually I do know why. It's simply because Tumblr depressed me hahaha yeah, I'm currently in my depressed state and thankfully, I did threw all my razors away and I have a feelings that my mom actually hid the gillette somewhere in the house since I've been trying to find it last few days ago but I can't. hahaha yeah, I'm honestly need to cut somewhere right now. I've tried a lot of things to distract me from thinking of it like singing my lungs out, sleep my head off, drive fast within limits, taking deep breathe, count to ten, eating, drinking tea and even socializing with my college peers. hahahaha yeah, but none seems to be working.

As usual, lots happening in my life lately. School has been good to me so far, and the assignments I'm not sure but yeah I'll manage. I had one resit this wednesday but I haven't told my parent yet. I'll just tell them when I get the feeling of telling hahaha. And then, Uh... Things were getting sour between me and my sisters; sis jaba, sis lalan, sis jon and probably with sis inut too. I've been ignoring and being snappy with them. Same thing happen to my one and only bestie, Val. I've been ignoring her for good. I just, I don't know. I feel like I really don't deserve to be with anyone to be honest. hahahaha besides, who am I anyway? I'm not even important to any of them. Hell, I gotta say this hahaha because yes, it's true.

And of course, I'm still in neutral state with my parents as well. We don't talk much for I've been camping in my room for I don't know, a month or two now hahahaha I only went out when my service is required or when I'm hungry and I need to refill my drinks. I just feel unimportant to anyone. And last week, the starting of this whole bad feelings though which is kinda the worst for me. Well, since Shawny spend the rest of his holiday with us last week, I started to think like my parents completely forgotten about me and only remembered me when they need something from me. This theory was confirmed on the day we went home from sis Jon's house. I was just a bit later than them and as soon as I get home, I found that the front door has been locked. Not that I don't have the key but whenever I went out and I came home late, and Shawn wasn't present, they never locked the front door no matter how late I'm home. But then, every time Shawn with them, it's like they forgotten about me at all.
Am I really that unimportant? It just make me thinking like, did they just want me here because they need someone to take care of them one day? I mean, like literally just to take care of them. Just to guarantee that someone will be there to take of them, but not in a children way, you get me? Like it's my job not a responsibility. Get me? Hahaha oh well, nevermind. I'm suck at explaining. hahaha Well, just be simple though, I'm just their tools. Wow, I feel unloved hahahaha

Yeah, well apparently everyone kinda have their life great without me though. *shrugs* They all have their own friends and company to be with and here I am, thinking that I'm So freaking important for somebody hahahah I'm such a joke.

You know what I really need? I need someone to show me that they really need me and that they can feel that their life wouldn't be the same without me anymore not through words. I had hard time to believe words nowadays. I want them to show me. I'm just tired feeling like a tool and a replacement to everyone. I want to feel important like how they're as well important to me too but no, none of them even bother to show me anything. Gosh, I really need my razors now.
It hurts so much. It suffocates me ya know.

And I can actually saw that everyone just pretending that they like me. I can see or even feel the awkwardness around them. I know, I understand that they're just being nice to me because they knew I'm an idiot who will always go there and make time for them whenever they needed my help, an idiot who wouldn't even get angry for so long no matter what they say to me and the idiot who always stay loyal to them no matter how much they're ignoring me or trying to shove me away. I'm seriously one pathetic living shitface

Why didn't I have the courageous to just end myself right now? Being alive is so hard when you're feeling lonely 24/7, 365 days a year. When you just realize that you're not even that needed to your own parents or those you think love you. I wish, I really really wish I'm brave enough to just end myself. If not today, perhaps soon. I really can't take all this. It's like my life is a circle you get me? How much I tried to make myself happy, I always come back to this phase like I couldn't even move from this.

Where is everyone when I need them the most?

Maybe I do deserve this though. I admit, I've been really bad in the past. I've hurt lots of people and probably this is just what I deserved. Being alone and all that jazz ya know. I seriously need a hug right now hahaha hell, I need a really tight hug.


Well, I don't feel like writing anymore. I'll just cry myself to sleep and hopefully tomorrow this feeling will go away hahahaha. I need my razor.