God is Love.

Hello again. I'm officially in love with Jack Mitchell, the main character of Call of Duty: Advanced Warfare. Look at his precious face, how could you not in love with his face? hahahaha I mean, those two front teeth is just freaking adorable and his blue eyes, my god. hahahahaha XD well, I haven't been playing the game since last time because my bro kinda play it for now so I have to wait for him to return it to me (in which I have to ask for it, of course)
and oh, ya know... Things has been pretty great for me start from Friday night, which I had blast with my uchihas and I kinda talked with my senpai again. Then, on the next day I have my graduation's day and at night I went to attend this special celebration of my church and then yesterday, my family receive new family member and then I kinda have my moment with my precious princess. I'll talk about it more down below hahahaha :) Okay.

First things first. I proudly said that I'm officially graduated. YAY! hahaha I actually never thought that I will graduated with merits. I always thought that I didn't do my best which is I am hahaha but I kinda proud of myself, even though things were pretty tough in the years I've been doing my diploma, all the depression, the self-depreciation moments and endless shit that beating me down to the core, I still made it to graduate with merits and honestly, I won't be able to do it if it not because of my one and only dude, sis Jaba. I'm glad that she's always be there when things get rough for me and stay no matter how much it could hurt her. Ya know, when people get depressed they sometimes drag people down with them and shoo them away. hahahaha but yeah, she's stayed with me though. Without her cheesy line, her advices and her supports, I won't be able to grads with merits or maybe wouldn't able to graduate at all. So, yeah. Mostly, I really thanked her for everything. Even on the night before the graduation day, she gave me advice when I told her that I'm really nervous and a bit uncertain whether I should go or not but she convinced me. So, I'm very grateful for her. Then, secondly... I really thanked my sis Jon and Lalan for make time for me and be there to attend this important ceremony with me when my mom doesn't really wish to go, which is quite disappointing actually because everyone's parent came for them and there's my mom, saying no. Even then, it was Mak Ulit who forced her to come for a picture session. hahaha but yeah, I guess I shouldn't be thinking too much in this because eventhough this isn't that important for her but she has given me supports and feed me and make sure my basic needs are all fulfilled. And as for dad, if he's here, I'm sure he'll be the one who say yes to go hahahaha and I'm thankful for both of them somehow because they have supports my education and gives me all the needs and love even though they rarely show it to me, I know they love me. I mean, who doesn't love me? hahahaha Oh and back to sis Jon and Lalan, I am very grateful for them to be there with me and I really love the flowers they gave me. And as for my classmates, I had fun, like lots of fun that they have helped me a lot in the past two years. They never say no whenever I need a help from them. I know that I'm cold and somewhat look arrogant but they came to understand that it just how I normally look like and they accept me for who I am. I've learnt a lot from them and I've met a bunch of awesome people. I really love these guys hahaha :)
And last but not least, of course. I thanked my bestie, Valerie Stevenson hahahaha because on the night before graduation, she posted something on instagram. Like giving me supports and in which make me almost cry because I thought she forgotten about it but no, she didn't. She's like the bestest friend that I ever make in my entire 20th years of living. I'm forever glad that she choose a crap like me as her bestie. she's definitely one of a kind. hahaha :)
And, not to forget... I want to thank the Lord for giving me this huge blessing. After having a huge downfall, he gave me His powerful blessing and make me realized that I'm actually surrounded by people who loves and accepts me for who I am. I must say that God is real, God is always there and listen to you if you prayed and believe in Him from the bottom of your heart.

The next things is that, I would like to welcome the new baby into the family, Chloe Audrey Ronald. She's really cute~! Look at that face my god! ahahahaha She was born yesterday and I'm very happy to have her in the family. Another princess to deal with honestly and which means, more barbiee *cries* hahaha anyway, her birth was really are a huge blessing for the family and hope that she'll grow with all the loves and in perfect health.

I think I should go now. My brain is tired. I'll continue again later wahahahaha XD

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears


It's very hard to deal with someone that doesnmt understand how hard it is to have this low confidence traits like; ya know when you said you don't wanna do something, they eventually would give you the look that saying you just lazy and when they kinda force you to talk to the salesman but you kinda have this problem of talking with people, and when you said no they would just be like snapped at you or sulking. It just make you feel guilty and so you gotta forced yourself to talk with the salesman with all the sweaty palm and nausea feeling and pray that you wouldn't make fun of yourself and try not to stutter like badshit. It's not that easy to talk to people and i wish they could just understand that.

When i said i don't wanna go anywhere means i don't wanna go anywhere and that doesn't mean i'm being lazy. I will go if i'm comfortable with the place like my college. No matter what time they ask me to go, i go right? Because i'm comfortable. And to the mall, like hell i would go to the mall all by myself u less i had something important to buy. Even that, sometimes i changed my mind to buy something i like because i had no one to go with. It's this feeling, it's very very difficult to live like this but they don't understand. They never try to understand

Even if i told them, they'll just said that i'm making an excuses or i just being rude to them and that i don't want to be with them and shit like that. I find that speaking is very hard to do. I rather be in my room, locked myself up and be in my comfort zone. I don't care about what people think but that just what I want.

I know i must work this out and i'm aware that i'll have to speak with people sometimes in the future and yes i'm trying my best to make it work but I need time. I can't do it all the sudden. I have my paced and always being forced like this and getting the blame because i said no... I can't. It just stressing me out. 

I can't breathe properly right now and uh, my hands and feet are sweating even just thinking of it. I wish mom would understand how bad my anxiety is. Well, not as bad as until i feel like fainting but yeah. I gotta keep it cool though. *sighs* what a life.

I don't know what to put here.

Hello again.
I'm currently writing one of my story but I got distracted because all sort of stuff, especially things that going through my head right now. I'm not really in stable mind right now but I'm trying my best to stabilising it hahaha. I sounds like a mechanic wanting to stabilise some machine or something. Anyway, I've just having my breakdown moment again today where I curled in the shower and cry my heart out. I still want to cry right now but I kinda forced myself to stop crying because, well... One, there's no point of crying. Two, crying won't solve anything and three, I don't feel any better even after one and half hour crying just now. I'm just feeling more.... I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't know anything anymore. hahaha

I'm feeling numb you see. I can't even move my facial right now and only my mind that's doing the talking and laughing hahaha you get me? *sighs* hm.... Well, I just had my moment for crying and all actually. I was just feeling so lonely. Very very lonely and sad. I know that I have mom here with me but it doesn't make me feel less lonely. This loneliness feeling just scratching me from the inside like I'm very very alone. I don't even know. hahaha

and yeah, well. I've been texting with sis Jon too just now, telling her about what IBS admin had told me at the briefing this morning about the graduation's day. Well, regarding them, who went with the graduates of course but well, she just reply me as if forced too and then she even ask me like, how long will the graduation be? in way that she wasn't really interested to go. I mean, well. If she doesn't want to go, its fine actually. I can't force her to come if she doesn't want to go. Now I feel like I'm forcing her to go and all. I don't know. Well, I guess it's really is my fault for ya know. Forcing everyone to do as I wish. heh.

I really really want to cry hahaha and I really need a shoulder to cry one and a hug right now but well, it just some wishful thinking hahaha. *sighs* Sometimes, I wish I could enter my own story where I can have this friend who always there and then is like I don't know. Just do whatever were written in the story I'm writing hahaha XD but yeah, reality hurts. I.... Honestly don't know if I really have a friend. I mean, everyone that I called as friend is more like acquaintance or they just leave or just stay away from me. I mean, as far as I'm concerned. Friends stay with each other, despite of what happen but yeah. hahaha

And yeah. About writings though. I always feel that maybe I should stop telling people that I'm actually writing stuff because well. I know that I'm not good or there are possibility that I won't able to finish the story and all but when I told them to read, I'm actually just wanting an opinion from them whether the story is good or not or do I need to do something about it so I can make it better. But yeah. *sighs* maybe it just because I'm writing something boring hahaha and all I ever do is like being a copycat; either stealing their characters, the names or the story plot.

And so, I think I should go now. I mean. Yeah. I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe I should just try to sleep? I don't feel like sleeping yet but yeah, I'm so tired. Maybe I'll just continue writing. Maybe. hahaha I hope, I can stop complaining about how bad my life is because there's people who have way badder life than I am. I'm creating something that isn't there I know. Like I said, I brought all this upon myself and this is seriously my fault.

So, byebye. and see ya again since I'm still coward to kill myself and maybe a masochist for staying hahaha

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

More Rants. It seems like what I do mostly. hahaha

Well, hello there. hehehe :)
I've just had the moment of myself where I've been thinking that well, still thinking that I'm sort of a burden to my parents. You see, in the past few years what I've been doing is just failing, rebellious, being stupid, blaming them because I can't do what I wish to do. When then now I realized that I shouldn't have thought of that. I have no place to complain about everything they're deciding for me. It's has been kind enough for them to adopt me at first place. I mean, they had give me shelters, food, clothing and things I want like gadgets, games, money and all sort of things. Sometimes, I didn't even ask for it, they still giving me like the car. And I feel so soo bad you know.

I really wish that they hadn't took me at first place. I'm no use to them, all I ever did is breaking their heart, yelling at them or just I don't know, get mad because I don't wanna be at fault even when it was my fault. I've been spending their money and what have I done to them in return? burdening them more. I even hated my dad. Can you believe it? I'm a joke. Keep telling people that hating is bad when I'm actually hating the one that giving me shelters and shit. I feel like a parasite to this family you see. Like, what if they never took me? What if I wasn't be here? I think things would be different and maybe it would be much easier for them though. Like, even if my brother did fucked up like this, they could only think to settle his problems and they doesn't have to think about my education and even spending money for two person.

If only I never brought to this world, things would be better and things would seriously be way different than now. Like for sis Jaba, she wouldn't have to think about taking care of my feelings at all or feel guilty when I feel down because she think she can't make me feel okay. Or having to think that I'm gonna leave her or anything like that. It would be soo much better for everyone if I wasn't here at first place. But it was too late for all that since it's my 20th years of living. I'm sorry for having long life hahaha

I've been holding on for so long now and yes, I've been trying my very best to stay strong, or more likely to pretending to be strong because I'm actually standing at the edge of the cliff and with one pushed, I'll fell into the crashing waves. wow, that's kinda dramatic way to say it hahaha but yeah. *sighs* I know that all this is just things that my mind try to trick me and it will eventually goes away but what's the point if it keeps coming back and haunting me?

I can't stop myself from hating myself, hating what I've been done in the past in which I'm scared I'll be repeating the same shit all over again in the future. I'm afraid that I'll hurt more people than I did. Even now, I feel like I've been pushing too many people away but then, I feel so alone. I want them to stay but I can't afford to hurt them anymore. I'm really good at hurting people though so.... *sighs* I've hurt people way too much because of things I've been hiding and things I can't say to them, things that they wouldn't even understand if I told them. They'll think I'm making things up eventually. I just wish I have lots of courage to end myself so I could end this suffering you know. I'm so tired of keep holding on something that I wasn't sure if it strong enough to keep me hanging.

I just want to push everyone's away you know but I'm scared of being lonely. Well, honestly I was expecting someone to chase me when I pushed them away but meh. I'm actually the one who chased them back after pushing them away because that's how pathetic and desperate I am for someone to stay with me. By doing those things, it doesn't make me feel any better you know. It's like I'm forcing them to stay with me. I'm not even sure if they want to stay or maybe its way better for them to leave me completely.

I've been telling people that they should try to learn how to swim for themselves everytime they drown because somebody would not always able to be by their side when things get rough. Well, I guess I should be taking that advice to myself because I've been drowning for so long. Well, not that long but yeah, I'm drowning pretty hard lately and I've try to swim towards the shore but I kinda hold myself back because I was expecting to see someone to wait for me on the other side but there wasn't anyone. Well, there are but they kinda blurry because of the waves and I'm not sure if they were calling out for me too keep on swimming towards the shore or they were just standing there and watched me and let me decided it for myself whether to keep swimming or just stay drown and wait for the huge waves to crash on me.

My chest felt so heavy right now and I wish it was because of my boobs getting bigger but unfortunately, it was just the unexplainable feelings I've been having. I feel like I'm the biggest hypocrites in the whole wide world. Well, not really. Just among my family and relatives. I don't really show them what I really feel or say what I wish to say to them. And at times, even though I feel like I'm just a burden to this family of mine, I really wish that they would noticed that I need their supports and them to ask me if I'm okay or not. Making a small conversation, a normal conversation other than asking how my grades is, what I want, or gossipping. Just a normal family conversation, you know and yeah, I've been so jealous of what Lalan's has between her dad and her because she seems to can speak up her mind and can actually have a real conversation with her dad and all. And also, I'm very envy with sis Jaba's family too because eventually, her parents seems to try their best to reach for her and understand that she's a very indoor type. and plus, she have a very understanding sister to be with and support her whenever everyone is against her or anything like that.

And then, there's me. Having a brother that can't even take care of himself but in some ways, he's a very good brother. If only he was being as normal as other brother could be. I could have a best friend and a brother who I can trust and protect me. If only he wasn't getting involves with that shit, maybe we could teamed up in COD multiplayer and beat the shit of others and maybe could be having a death match together, you know. but its all just the false hope I've been wishing and which I knew would never happen. It was too perfect to be real. hahaha oh well.

It's 3:16 and I think I should be getting some sleep now because I could sense that my mom is waking up and peeing any time soon so, I can't afford to be seen like this hahaha yeah, I'm tearing up right now. *sighs* hopefully things will get better sooner or later.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

Just the Usual Jazz and Holiday Plans~! XD

Yohoo~ Hello there~ hahaha yeah, I've just finished my exam! WOOH~!!!!! and today is the second day and dude, guess what? I already don't know what to do and how I'm gonna spend this whole 8 weeks hahahaha well, other than graduation's day coming up, I'm not having anything else in plan. There's a few but I don't want to put too much hope in those because I don't want to end up with another empty promises so, yeah. hahhaha Don't worry, I'll tell more about it later on. But first! I wanna say that things isn't going well around me and you know the usual jazz and shit. Every fucking people around me is so judgemental and so can't get over off my butts. You know how freaking insecure I am with my butts right? And they seems to be so fucking insensitive or just pretending not to notice how much I'm insecure about it and it just make me want to cut off my butts sometimes. well, most of the time, actually. They may think it as a joke and shit but for me, it's a no-no joke. I was just getting into phase where I was just about to start liking my own butt, accepting my pear-shape body and they're just blew it off by fucking tell the whole town how big my butts is and mom, she just like telling everyone that I'm fucking 70kg and I'm like WOW MOM THANKS A FUCKING LOT for telling everyone. Eugh. I'm just pissed and and sad ya know. I'm a FUCKING 70 kg and FAT AND BIG BUTTS. I"M FAT, OVERWEIGHT GODDAMN IT. it just fucking hurt okay?! I know it's childish for like giving shit about this stuff but I just can't fucking ignore it alright?! They're fucking laughing at my fucking ass and my fucking weight like in front of my fucking face and DO you fucking know how much it hurt to keep the fucking smile on my fucking face when all I wanna do is fucking go home and cry my eyes out?! eugh They may think it was that hurt because it just a fucking words BUT if only they knew, how fucking hurt's words can be. I just wanna screamed right now. It's like my own mom. god damn it. It just the worst.
Honestly, it just make me feel sooo fucking hating my body right now. If I can, I really really wish to just cut off my butts. I fucking hate my butts and maybe I'll just starve myself and be as skinny as they wish to see like getting 40 kg only. Because I'm fat and they don't really like having fat people around because they all have idk 60kg under kind of weight and i'm the only fat person in this family and guess what? YEs I'm fat and thank you for making me realize that and make me hating myself more than I already did.

Okay, well my classmates and I were planning to go Brunei around december time and well, I've told my mom about it but she didn't answer me yet and I don't want to assume anything or saying that it's a Yes because it doesn't seems like it and then, last few weeks ago, she told me that dad has been planning on taking me and her to go Kelantan end of this month because he'll be having his medical checks up there BUT, I don't want to put too much hope in that one because yeah, this isn't the first time they promise me something like this and back then, I was so stupid and believing it to be so real and put too much hope in it and guess what? I fucked up and end up hurting so i don't want it to happen again. So, when she told me this, I'm like yeah whatever. Just do whatever you want. I'm just done with some shit in this family. It's so broken to the point that I don't know if I could trust any of them. I never share any secrets with anyone in this family though. I just don't trust them enough. I do love them and maybe I would die for them but trust? Nah, I have huge trust issues with them. hahaha I don't trust people easily.

*sighs* I don't really know how to live anymore you know. It's like things in this family, that keep on happening around us is like sooo full of hate and sadness and it's like how people has been describing the world war three for kids. I know, out there, there's more people that have like wayyyyy serious family matter than mine but dude, even though there's no bruise or broken bones, my mental state is hurting and bleeding like it will never stop. I'm scarred on the inside and I may have scars on my wrist but that wasn't even covered all of it. That just a small proportion of shits that happens. *sighs* if I really cut myself for shit thats happen around here, I might be dead long time ago. Since as people always says; every cuts covers a story. And honestly, I'm dealing with lots of shit. Not to brag, since there's nothing to brag actually. I don't even like it here. hahahaha well, I'm not just dealing with shitty people in the family or the other family, all the rants, the shouting, the complaining, the throwing things, the door slamming things, or the stupid criticism, I'm also dealing with myself. I can't even tell which is worst. hahaha i'm not trying to compete who has the baddest life with anyone out there. I know everyone is dealing with their own shits and trying their best to survive it too because I am trying my best as well. It just I need to complaint sometimes. Things has been hard for me to deal with. Like I really really want to cry sometimes but I had to put up my ignorant face or the stupid-smiley face because I want to take care of people's feeling and BAM! those people don't even took a minute to think about taking care of my feelings.
I'm just a stupid bitch, ain't I?

*sighs* this reminds me Hollywood Undead Believe's lyrics, "Don't you realize that Bad things only happens to me? God knows, one day you'll finally see. That's scar will healed but were meant to bleed."
I can relate so much with that part hahahaha *sighs*  I'm not strong enough to keep up with all this shit you see. I've been trying to get closer to God, praying and reading the bible sometimes but I guess it wasn't enough. I admit, I still have some faith in me and yes, I do believe in God but it's not His fault that I'm weak like this. I know that things happen for a reason and with God, nothing is impossible. But it just that, *shrugs* I don't know anymore. Hell, I don't even know what I'm trying to say here hahahaha I'll just leave this at that. Let's talk about something else.

And so, I actually have few plans to do on this holiday. Well, I was thinking that maybe I'll just cancelled the thought of getting a part-time job hahahaha because man, I think I need this break and speaking of break, I seriously can't wait to move out from this house. I'll make a proposal for my parent to let me stayed at the other house once it's done and as long as the fucked up bro is in the house, and that's how long will I'm gonna stay there. Alone. Okay, well my plan. The usual plan of course. I'll list it down;

1. Finish a story.
= Well, currently I'm working on three story. Short story of course, pfft. maybe around 30 chapters? and one story only 10-15 chapter, i don't know but that one is one hell of short chapter. hahahaha

2. True Blood Marathon Season One to Six
= Yeah, I don't really love this drama as much as I love Supernatural because I don't really like the heroin, cuz she just fucked with any guy that show interest in her like literally fucking them but one of the vamps is hawt. So, yeah hahaha and plus, I don't do things half way, mostly. So yeah hahaha

3. Re-decorating bedroom
= This, I was thinking of tear down the posters and re-arranging them. I just can't stand the disorganized and messy wall anymore. I want to make more space for the wall. Maybe I could make it look spacious without too many posters? hahahaha worth a try, I guess?

4. Do all Mika-chan's drafts.
= yeah, this one. I need to deal with it hahahaha I honestly love RP-ing but some shitty people on tumblr is just getting on my nerves but I won't let them to bring me down AGAIN. I've run once, I won't run again. Plus, that girl named Aki-chan is pretty annoying a little nowadays, since she got the girlfriend and shit, she's become a little bit more cocky and I'm just rolling my eyes the whole way to hell hahahaha eugh.

5. Drawing?
= This one, I'm not so sure but yeah, I bet I'll do it sometimes soon hahahaha

6. Collecting DVDs and CDs
= Yeah, well I've been thinking of making a huge collections of movies. Every movies that I ever watched of course, including Doraemon's movie yeeeahhh hahaaha that would cause me lots of money but this, I'll take it slow. hahaha

7. GAMING baby!
= This one, I'm gonna buy few new Games soon and I'll play it and I was thinking of getting PS4 soon too but we'll see. hahahaha I'm still counting my pocket money. I need to saved up too since my dad wasn't going to be young forever. So I need to learn how to save up. XD

i think that's all for now though. I'm calmed now and it's 1:15am and I seriously need some sleeps. Yesterday... Well, more likely, this morning. I slept like around 5.30 and then people woke me up around 8 something to send Isaac to the airport and I honestly don't have enough sleep hahahaha so, I'll just go to dreamland now. Byebye :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.


Ya know what's the worst about some shit? When someone snapped at you and then play the victim role when with other people. Like yeah, mom did that like too much and I just eugh. 

I know that she's going to get her medical shit from dr.lee but i just wanna confirm something because she was seems like to go and renew her car roadtax so i just need a confirmation because as a driver, of course i need to know where to go right? But she just snapped at me like, are u kidding? i fucking told you we're gonna go to dr.lee

And im like @.@ and she keep on blah blah blah as she went back to the room and blaming me for taking tooo much time to get done and shit. I mean, of course i took time. I thought she only going to dr.lee *sighs* then she aggressively open the door and shit. I'm like @.@ and just ignore her as i took my keys and everything and just go to the car, slammed the door and jus twait in the car

Then as mak ulit and rania go in the car, she start playing the victim and shit like talking nicely and ya know that when im pissed i just ignore people or snapped back. It just. Sometimes its tiring me out ya know. Its like making me look bad in fornt of others. *sighs*i know its not the first time but things keep on happening this way and shit i tell you, it's stressing me out. 

I respect her feelings and all but she always getting on my nerves. Always deciding shit without telling and then blaming me for disagree. Where's the fair in that? *snort* you tell me, man. I know that she's stressed out with that fuckface idiot but if she keep on doing this to me, i don't know man. 

I know that i'm not a saint or anything. And i know that i might be wrong and shit but *sighs* i'm lost for words to described how stressful it is for me. I'm trying my best to not losing my shit and end up saying shit that i will regret. I just want to get out. I can't do this you know.

I want to get out of that house. Its too fucked up i can't.

The Memories Will Lasts

Well yellow~ hahaha I've been really sick last two days ago that I can't even bring myself to online. Can you believe that? Hahaha i mean, i've been sick before but I still online and everything but that day, i barely can open my eyes and my body feel so hot that i could feel it emites out from my body as if you could fried a bacon on me. And honestly, i haven't taken any bath since then wahahaha i'm stink bomb man. But yeah thank God, i'm feeling better today. I still feel dizzy a little but i can work on my B.Math assignment and i almost finish it. Yay me! Hahaha i'm pretty glad that I'm mingle with these new friends of mine; shock hui and Ellan because ya know how chinese are, right? They're all about studying and getting good grades and that's kinda burn your passion to be as hardworking as they are so you won't be left behind and shit like that hahaha XD 

Anyway, I haven't took my meds yet because I need a shower. A VEEERY LONG SHOWER cuz man, i can't live without shower hahaha it's like my paradise at home hahaha and ouh, last night. Well, more like, this morning, around 3 something, i was watching true blood and that was when i saw this police car kinda light shone on my mom's bedroom window and i'm like hoo shit, they're coming but yeah, my fucking brother were out to get his supplies or maybe someone told him that te po-po were coming. Well, i think. He can run as much as he can now but not forever. He can't keep on running like this. Because fuck man, he's like taking this shit as advantages to ask for like double the money from mom and it's fucking stressing people in this house like fucked-a-lot. And mom is having her stomachache again. I bet its all because of all the stress she get from living with that good-for-nothing-fuckface-son. *sighs*

If i could have one wish right now, i just want things to end. I can't stand this any longer ya know. I'm done watching her sad face for every single fucking day. How she feel like wanted to cry and how much i miss her smile, her laugh and everything. I just want her to be happy ya know. But i really really thank God for taking care of her and i really respect her for being a good Christian ya know cuz she seems to never lose faith about everything and i often saw her praying and stuff. I wonder, if she's not a praying type, i wonder if she could survive all the stress because i, even just watching her i feel like giving up hahaha 

She's the strongest person i ever saw in my entire fucked-up life and that's what make me admire her so much and yeah, as usual; i'm suck at showing it hahaha *ahem* i hate it when things get emotional. Hahaha i'm leaking. 

So, overall... I just want things to end. All the badshit gone and we can be happy like normal family does. I know that once things get better, other things will came up but man, of all shit that ever came to this family, this is one of the shittiest things that ever happen in this family after my parent almost break up like few years back and i must say, i'm fucking traumatize about that. hahaha i remember that one time i was waking up from my nap and i cant find my mom anywhere and her car is gone and i only saw my dad and all i thought was she's gone; she left me; its all your fucking fault. For betraying her dad! I fucking hate ur guts. I called her like hundreds of time and she didnt even answer me, i ran to and fro to mak ulit's house and out own looking for her. Then i dont remember what happen. Hahaha its all blank. I must've been freaked out too much hahaha i think mak ulit's call her and then she came to me and said that she was at our old house, collecting stuff that still remains there. That was time i pretty sure i knew the answer when she ask me if i wud choose to be with dad or her: i fucking sure i wud choose her, thru thick and thin. Oh, this smack me in the head. I think this is one of the reason i fucking hate my dad hahaha but i knew now that he's trying to make things right so i'll slowly give him the chance and maybe eventually i'll forgive him one day. Plus, i kinda owe him for shelters, food and educations.

And then, this also reminds me why i can't hate my brother for like forever. I mean, i know all i've ben saying is that i hate his guts and shit but ya know, it never last. I forgive him easily because i know, deep down he's a really good brother. It's a pity that he went choosing to be involve with shit. I'll forever remember that one time, he was just newly married with sofie, shawn's mom. And uhh, that weekend. Mom and dad were going back to balingian to do some things and i can't recall what really happen. What i recall is that he was mad because mom and dad bring bulan along and he said something isn't fair about it. I wonder what it was. And uh, what i can recall after, i was like, why are you shouting at each other like that and i was running back to my room and then he chase me out. Then, he was like, "dude, sorry, i'm so sorry. I'm not mad at you. It just unfair for mom and dad bring lalan's along". Hahaha yeah, and then he promise to bring me, sofie and lalan to KFC after that. I miss that side of him honestly and now, you can see how fucked up he really is. I also remember that he help me drew a car for my PSV. My house is like what the normal kids always drew and then suddenly the car look all sporty and shit hahaha. If only i knew how to treasured stuff when i was young, i would keep it safe. It's a memories where it could be an evident to show that he's a good person deep down. a great brother. 

I should be showring now. Hahaha forgive me for the spelling mistakes because i kinda have chubby thumb and using phone is not helping at all so, yeah :)
This sickness make me overly emotional than usual. Gosh hahahaha XD

See ya soon
P.S let your smile cover up your tears