Nan Mollaseyo :3

Greetings, humanoids :)
I'm still feeling the same and nothing seems to be working out to make me get through this shit. in facts, it's getting worst hahahaha blame me for that though. it's all because of me. i don't know why but ummm...i just don't know. oh well, i'll get through this eventually. relax~ i always do :)
so,  yesterday i was going to do my homework and i did forced myself to do it but i can't motivate myself to do even some of it. i just able to write the questions ahaha and plus what concern me the most now is that my group assignment which due tomorrow. i don't want to let my teammates down you see. i really need to do my part but i just can't. i feel so helpless, so unmotivated. you know ehat i'm saying? i feel like i have no reason to be here anymore. i can't sort out what the exact words but yeah. its feel like it. nawww~ i never want to ends my life okay? i'm too fabulous to commit suicide kekeke XD still, sometimes i have the thought that it is the only way but then something always stop me from doing it. likemy mom  suddenly go all goody-goody to me and cook my favorite dishes for dinner... something like that... and sometimes, when i'm feeling so down to the earth crust, my playlist suddenly played some encouraging songs, gospel songs like they want me to keep on living and never give up. so in other word, i'm struggling to live right now because i feel loved by these kind of thing. they're not living things, except my mom of course, but it just that they can make me feel okay you see. i don't know how to put this but music really do help me get through this shitty reality i'm having. music inspires me to keep moving forward. Sounds like i'm making things up eh? Hahaha i know! I don't believe it either. I feel like i'm living in nightmares :3 but honestly, what i really need now is an escape. A place that i can be all by myself, listening to my favourite tunes, doing all my favourite stuff like drawings, sketching, colouring... Stuff like that... In my head there is no shitty things going on, everything just so peaceful, every time i take a breath, all i'm feeling is happiness and gratefulness. The feeling of freedom and gladness. Smiling all through out the day... You know what i'm saying? Yeah its a total paradise, you see :) but i know i never can have it unless i'm going to Heaven which is i'm so far away from that place kekeke :3 hmm.. Oh well :)

I keep telling myself "it's just life. Life is like a roller coaster, sometimes we're high up in the sky but sometimes there are moment where we kissing the ground. Everything is falling apart but it's just for temporary, so keep moving forward, happiness is waiting at the end of the line" yeah. This is what make me still holding on till today :) you see, i'm quite grateful that i still have positivity within me and i always try to help myself to stand back on my feet when everyone seems to leave me behind. This because i feel like no one ever stand beside me when i  need them the most. in fact, they don't even noticed that i need somebody to be with. so i think that, maybe its better if i help myself up and not depending on others. But i wonder, how long can i help myself doing this? I hope it will be forever though well at least until i can guarantee that my big brother can take care of mom and dad well. It just something concern me a lo lately. What if one day i'm not going to be strong enough to hold on and end myself before i knew he could take care of them? Heh... Shussshhh... I better not speak of this anymore. Hahahaha it's worthless. Its not like i'm having the courage of killing myself anyway ahahahaha XD forgive me for that suspense :3

Right! Remember when i said that i won't make any first attempt in making the first comversation with sis Jaba? Well, i lied. Yeah. I've read her updates on her blog and i think that maybe she need to be comfort more than i am though. I mean, pshh... My problem is nothing though. Besides i can settle this on my own. So i think that maybe i should just forget it and will stay as the first speaker as usual. Besides, she's really important to me though and seeing her down and stuff really making me feel lots worst you see. She's both a sister and a best friend to me and very dear to me though. Well, maybe she doesn't feel the same towards me but it doesn't matter though as long as she's regaining herself back to her self hyper and funny self, thats matter the most to me. I'm not trying to be a saints in this but its true. I guess its really will end of our relationship if i don't do it though hehehe :) Oh well... Let just think that she's more social awkward with me than with those role-players on tumblr because i'm too fabulous hahahaha :3 but then i think that, she still okay though and she can get through all the negative thoughts if she fight for it because at least she still have sis inut to talk with and to enlighten her mood a bit and she can make sis inut as her motivation to keep on moving forwards. I mean, sis inut always there for her though even no matter how busy she's with her love one, she make time for sis Jaba. Me? I have no one to talk to or to make me feel better but if you counted 9gagger, then yeah. I have kekeke XD i can't opened up to everyone else even mom or even sis Jon. I lost trust on everybody. Maybe the real fault is really on me hahahaha yeah, i'm the one at fault though kekeke since i can't be opened up with other on how i'm feeling~ oh well. Its not like they would give a fuck about it though :3
Yeah. Well. Sometimes i think that i'm born to comfort others and not to be comforted. Because i notices that every time i need someone, everybody seems to be running away from me. That i have to deal with all this shit all by myself. But yeah... Maybe this happens because people are scared of my fabulousness kekekeke XD oh well, whatever. I have myself to be with and i have my Father to take care of me and my lovely Guardian Angel to protect me though :)  i'll be fine in no time now :3

Even today i feel much better... :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)