久しぶり!(^_^)v

Hisashiburi! It's been ages I didn't update this blog of mine. Not that I was busy or anything. (Well, I am quite busy this year, since I've starting my Degrees.) and then my social life is pretty good nowadays, that I kinda found a great friend to be with who support me and even force me to study hahaha Yeah, people like me need a friend like that. Anyway, there's lots of ups and down has been happening but I'm coping with it pretty nicely and that's because I have a very supportive families, especially sis Jaba and sis lalan, though they're not often available but I know deep deep in my heart that they're always there for me. hahaha Well, though there are times that they did something that I don't like. I mean, I'm sure I also did something that get into their nerves right? I mean, we're humans, we tend to make mistakes. hahahaha xD

I don't know if I ever mentioned this but somewhere around this year, my dad was admitted into hospital for having internal bleeding in his intestine and it was the most depressing moment of my life. I was seriously lost and I really don't know what to do or what to expect. I mean, I don't even finish my study yet and I hella jobless. Adding to that, my brother is still being as stupid as he could be (it was the only thing he could do tbh) so i was definitely at my most depressing moment ever. But still, I still act tough in front of my others family members. I laughed and joked with them, I don't know if they realize about it but yeah, if they don't, they might think that I'm heartless hahaha but then, not that they know that I was seriously miserable at that time. I broke down every time I went to shower because that's the only time I could be with myself. I was really-really scared that something bad would happen to my dad. I even wish that it was me who were there on the hospital bed. I mean, my mom needs him more though. Not saying that I don't matter or anything but if comparing me and dad, I'm sure mom need dad more. hahaha xD But then, well. Things get better and I'm still trying to fix things between me and my dad. He's still is annoying as ever but what to do? It's his nature for talking a lot hahaha he even strike a conversation with strangers. *sighs*

I am seriously trying to fix things between us though but I know and I admit, I'm not trying hard enough hahaha yeah, I definitely have the biggest ego ever and I don't like it. I know that both my parent are trying their best to make me happy and to make my future easier. They even bought me a house. CASH. can you believe it? I didn't even ask for it but they bought it because they thought like, while they still have the money, they want to make sure that I'll have my own house because no one could predict what's the future hold for us. Even my current car, they bought it on cash. *sighs* They did too much for adoptive child like me. So, if they ever worried that I'm going to leave them after I knew the truth, they shouldn't be. Because I owe them too much. I don't think I could ever pay all my debts for them, even if I had to work for my whole life. They did too much for me and too little for themselves. I am grateful but at the same time, guilty.


I don't know if they're aware that I took this picture hahahaha xD but seriously I gotta say, I wouldn't really be here anymore if it wasn't because of them. They meant too much to me, no matter what other people might ever said. I mean, like sis lalan. She may done a lot of shit, or even always put me second in most thing but then, I couldn't help it but to love her as much. I know, it sounds cheesy but I care about her more than anything. I just couldn't bring myself to hate her. Probably because of that huge fight we had once in the past hahaha and as for sis Jaba. I don't have to say anything else. I'm just gonna put it this way; if I'm gonna lose her one day, I don't know if I'm gonna be strong enough to stay strong or even breathing hahaha xD It's us against the world. We've been through a lot and I just can't imagine myself without her in my life hahaha sound cliche but yeah.

They may not close with one another but they both held that important place in my heart. yeerrr hahhahahaha

Anyway, enough being cheesy. hahahaha school... School is fine and most part it's fun too. My grades are getting higher each time and I'm proud of myself hahahaha *pats own back* I mean, last midterm I got 90% and the highest mark for my CCM subjects I'm like wow! is this real life? hahahaha xD only that I'm just a bit of stressed out because of my Thesis subjects. I'm worried  about it. I wonder if I can execute it without any problem. I mean, I do love my thesis topic since it's relevant to my lifetime goals of opening my own cafe in the future but then again, it's hard to do it because Dr Hii keep on pushing us and you know me, I don't like being pushed. I hate being force to do something. Even if it something I love doing, but if I'm forced to some level, I'll definitely not gonna do it. Like no shit hahaha xD I'm a rebellious person pfft. *rebellious la sangat* But yeah, I'm aware that I really need tot do it though I don't wanna do it. I was thinking that maybe I'll try to do it during my two months holiday.
Like spreading the questionanaires during that time since we're gonna have to present our thesis topic next year on April. Seriously, I feel fucked up so much hahahaha and at the same time, I'm pissed at the way Dr Hii trying to manage the class. Like, it was very obvious he never open our thesis that we've been sent to him for hundreds of time. I hate that to be honest because he's been forcing us to finish it all at one point but then, he ended up not checking them at all. Like where's the point for us to finish it if he doesn't even care to have a glimpse on whatever shit we do? eugh. I know that he's the principal and he's a busy man. But a job is a job. And obviously,i it's his responsibility to check the thing we did. I mean, it takes both side to work well. If he only expect us to do our best, then he better show us that he also do the same. Like seriously (=.=)

Hm... what else should we talk about. Oh right. This upcoming sunday, I'll be going to Brunei again with my friends. Chinese people really like to go for a trip like no shit hahahaha it's gonna be my second time going on a trip with them though but I don't really mind going because they're fun to be with. Way fun than spending time with my normally bumiputera's friends and I learn few chinese words from spending time with them as well hahaha xD Um... Maybe we'll take pictures and I'm gonna update it here if I wasn't lazy. hahahaha xD and I'm thinking to buy more earl grey because hella, last time I bought earl grey from Brunei and it was the best tea i ever taste hahahaha xD I'm in love with Earl Grey. Though currently I'm fond with Green Tea as well as the English Breakfast tea.

I'm being British, now hahahaha xD Ah, suddenly it just hit me. I really wish I had my console right now. It's been ages I didn't play game and I even left The Evil Within half way through, same goes to TLOU, since I was replaying it again because my stupid brother deleted all my saved data, including my Sims baby. u.u but it doesn't matter, I can always play again hahaha and I wish I'll get a new console for Christmas. I don't mind for having another PS3, because my myy, there's still bunch of PS3 games I haven't play yet. When I able to have all of them, then maybe I'll be saving money so that I can afford PS4 ahahaha xD And oh, speaking of money. I was thinking that maybe after I'm graduating, I'll be working for a while like maybe for two or three years, collect money first. Then I'll stop for a while to get cooking certificates and maybe even learning pastries, just to get the certificates of course. And then, maybe then I'll decided to open cafe. Yeah. I'm thinking that, since now I'm only 22. So, in about 4 to 5 years time, I'll be having my own cafe. Yay! I'm looking forward for that hehehe :)

It won't be easy but since it's like my biggest life goals, I shall make it happen! xD

I think that's all I wanna say for now. hehehehe OH before that, currently I'm writing three stories hahahahaha and which I'm thinking of finishing during my upcoming holiday as well. Awyea! well, I might update with a special post about one of my story which is currently my favourite for the time being. I'll post about the characters that I came up with and what are their traits like hehehe xD Well, then. I shall stop now and I'll be seeing you soon!


P.S: New motto:: Things always getsbetter if you wait for awhile longer. So, keep on smiling! (^_^)v

I Promise You This.

Dear You,

I know things aren't well for you now but
I Promise You This,
Things will get better.
We've through this before and we survived,
So we'll survive this one too
I'll be with you until the very end of it

You don't have to feel like you need somebody else
You have me
I Promise You This
I'll be here with you even when the world is against you
I'm always here and forever be here
We'll get through this

I know sometimes my presence aren't enough
I know you need someone else's shoulder to cry on
But I know you're scared to reach out because you knew
everyone is fighting their own battle
but I must tell you, My Love,
It doesn't have to be someone, or anyone;
Because God is here with you
with us,
In here
inside your heart.

and I Promise You This
God is always there for you
Reach out to Him and He'll washed your worry away

Sometimes suicide seems to be the only way
But I tell you this, My Love
It's not
It's tempting, I know
But it's not the way
Definitely not the Only Way.
I Promise You This
There are millions way to get through this
and Suicide isn't one of them.

I've seen you get through this before
I've seen you battling over your bad thoughts
I've felt your sadness, your emptiness every night
I've been there watching you cry in your sleep
and I've been there when your blood dripping on your skin
But it's in the past
You're here now
That's what matter the most
So believe me when I tell you
You'll get through this

You're the bravest and the strongest
You're stronger than your negative thought
You're better than your depression
You're the master of your emotion
I believe that you'll get through this
I know you'll get through this too
Because I believe in you like I did before
I Promise You This, Love
I will always believe in You

Because I always believed in Me.



I Don't Mind the Rain

Well greetings. It's been ages I didn't update this blog. I've been pretty active in Facebook nowadays and I'm not sure why hahaha well, actually I do know why. It's simply because Tumblr depressed me hahaha yeah, I'm currently in my depressed state and thankfully, I did threw all my razors away and I have a feelings that my mom actually hid the gillette somewhere in the house since I've been trying to find it last few days ago but I can't. hahaha yeah, I'm honestly need to cut somewhere right now. I've tried a lot of things to distract me from thinking of it like singing my lungs out, sleep my head off, drive fast within limits, taking deep breathe, count to ten, eating, drinking tea and even socializing with my college peers. hahahaha yeah, but none seems to be working.

As usual, lots happening in my life lately. School has been good to me so far, and the assignments I'm not sure but yeah I'll manage. I had one resit this wednesday but I haven't told my parent yet. I'll just tell them when I get the feeling of telling hahaha. And then, Uh... Things were getting sour between me and my sisters; sis jaba, sis lalan, sis jon and probably with sis inut too. I've been ignoring and being snappy with them. Same thing happen to my one and only bestie, Val. I've been ignoring her for good. I just, I don't know. I feel like I really don't deserve to be with anyone to be honest. hahahaha besides, who am I anyway? I'm not even important to any of them. Hell, I gotta say this hahaha because yes, it's true.

And of course, I'm still in neutral state with my parents as well. We don't talk much for I've been camping in my room for I don't know, a month or two now hahahaha I only went out when my service is required or when I'm hungry and I need to refill my drinks. I just feel unimportant to anyone. And last week, the starting of this whole bad feelings though which is kinda the worst for me. Well, since Shawny spend the rest of his holiday with us last week, I started to think like my parents completely forgotten about me and only remembered me when they need something from me. This theory was confirmed on the day we went home from sis Jon's house. I was just a bit later than them and as soon as I get home, I found that the front door has been locked. Not that I don't have the key but whenever I went out and I came home late, and Shawn wasn't present, they never locked the front door no matter how late I'm home. But then, every time Shawn with them, it's like they forgotten about me at all.
Am I really that unimportant? It just make me thinking like, did they just want me here because they need someone to take care of them one day? I mean, like literally just to take care of them. Just to guarantee that someone will be there to take of them, but not in a children way, you get me? Like it's my job not a responsibility. Get me? Hahaha oh well, nevermind. I'm suck at explaining. hahaha Well, just be simple though, I'm just their tools. Wow, I feel unloved hahahaha

Yeah, well apparently everyone kinda have their life great without me though. *shrugs* They all have their own friends and company to be with and here I am, thinking that I'm So freaking important for somebody hahahah I'm such a joke.

You know what I really need? I need someone to show me that they really need me and that they can feel that their life wouldn't be the same without me anymore not through words. I had hard time to believe words nowadays. I want them to show me. I'm just tired feeling like a tool and a replacement to everyone. I want to feel important like how they're as well important to me too but no, none of them even bother to show me anything. Gosh, I really need my razors now.
It hurts so much. It suffocates me ya know.

And I can actually saw that everyone just pretending that they like me. I can see or even feel the awkwardness around them. I know, I understand that they're just being nice to me because they knew I'm an idiot who will always go there and make time for them whenever they needed my help, an idiot who wouldn't even get angry for so long no matter what they say to me and the idiot who always stay loyal to them no matter how much they're ignoring me or trying to shove me away. I'm seriously one pathetic living shitface

Why didn't I have the courageous to just end myself right now? Being alive is so hard when you're feeling lonely 24/7, 365 days a year. When you just realize that you're not even that needed to your own parents or those you think love you. I wish, I really really wish I'm brave enough to just end myself. If not today, perhaps soon. I really can't take all this. It's like my life is a circle you get me? How much I tried to make myself happy, I always come back to this phase like I couldn't even move from this.

Where is everyone when I need them the most?

Maybe I do deserve this though. I admit, I've been really bad in the past. I've hurt lots of people and probably this is just what I deserved. Being alone and all that jazz ya know. I seriously need a hug right now hahaha hell, I need a really tight hug.


Well, I don't feel like writing anymore. I'll just cry myself to sleep and hopefully tomorrow this feeling will go away hahahaha. I need my razor.

Same Old, Same Old

Hello. hahaha yeah. There's never great stuff whenever I came to this blog hahaha I am so sorry but this is just where I could pour everything on to without hurting or worrying anyone. Anyway, school has start last week and so far so good. I'm just pretty much sure that I'm gonna get some rework to do hahaha xD

Anyway, the thing is I've been having another set of suicidal thought starting last few days ago and yeah, I still got them but it's fuzzy now because I've tried my best to not thinking about it. But hell, it's not easy to stop it. Home feels like hell all over again and shit happens like all the freaking time. I feel suffocated y'know. I just feel like wanna run away from here and never go back but my hands and feets are chained. I can't go anywhere. I'm stuck in here.

I just feel like my parent don't really care about me and that they don't really took notice of me. I know, there's some of the time they went to my room (since I kinda locked myself up in my room and only came out for classes or anywhere that isn't here) and to look at me, what I'm doing. I know they're kinda often checked on me which of course make me wanna be in the same room with them, like spend time in the living room, watching movie together and all that jazz ya know but every time I did that, they're always like saying something that pushing my button. ya get me? I must say that they might not notice, hell, they might never gonna noticed that I'm mentally unstable and that I get irritated for even such a small words. But I do have my self-control, that I don't fling right away if it something that I can deal with but whenever I did that, they keep on pushing and pushing on me, saying those shit that really blew me off.
But I don't know. Maybe it is my fault. Yeah, definitely my fault for being such short-tempered and unable to take their good advice that probably good for me in the future. All I did was like glaring and frowning at them, avoiding them and all that jazz. I know I'm wrong.

And then, my mom. I thought she care about me. I know she do care about me but sometimes, it feels like she care more about Shawn. I know this is childish of me for being jealous of my own nephew but *sighs* I don't know how to say this but sometimes, I feel like she gave more of her attention to Shawn than me. Well, I guess. It just what this fucking mental illness telling me. hahaha I'm a loser. And today, as you know it's mother's day. And I kinda wake up late but I did tell her happy mother's day and gave her kiss and all that but then, she told me like, Lalan did told her earlier than I did and even gave her flowers for that. I'm like, wow. Do you have to say that? I mean, I didn't even go anywhere and like I've been making some crafts every mother's day and where the fuck is all that? She never even appreciates whatever shit I did for her before this. That's why I didn't do anything this year cuz I always saw my cards is thrown like shit inside the drawers with whatever unimportant shit. And now she's comparing me with Lalan. Gosh. I mean, I know I'm no better. Probably I'm the worst daughter ever. I know who i am and I know I'm just the worst.

This just didn't help it. I just feel like I really don't belong here ya know. It's not like they need me for anything. I mean, they seems to look happier with shawn around and they have each other and mom have dad to support her now and I believe they can get through it with whatever shit my brother is doing for them. I don't see my part in this family. I'm just honestly a total burden. I'm the one who caused them to need to buy extra food, extra clothes and spend extra money and all that. If only I'm not here, I guess there's much more money for them and plus, they won't need to worry about my college fees anymore.

And then, as for sis Jaba. I know she'll get through it. She's doing fine even without me. I know. Like I've told her, I'm just starting to RP because I want her too. I know that her passion is on writings you see and she always likes to RP and all that. Now that I saw her had been making friends, I guess I've done my part. I mean, not that she need me anymore, hahaha. Hell, no one ever need me. They're just fine by themselves. All this time, I'm the one who make myself think that they need me when it's clearly that they'll survive without me.

I've told you that I've been having my suicidal thought in this few days but I just haven't find any way of doing it hahaha I mean, I did consider of cutting my wrist but that took too long time to wait and yeah, same goes to hanging myself but in my room, there's no place to hang myself hahaha and at times, I wish I had a cronic disease and I can't involve in car accident since I had to fetch and send my friend home. I can't get her involve with my problem hahaha. Ugh. Maybe I'll consider of taking random pills someday. Yeah, probably that could work too.

Wow, planning suicide really put my mood a little lighter hahahaha xD I'm not sure of anything right now. I'm still considering it. I might or might not doing it but who knows. Like I always told sis Jaba, I'm just waiting for on final push. So far, it just the same stuff and I might get use to it. hahaha xD

Some part of me told me that I should keep on living. Maybe that's the only thing that make me holding on until now. I hope that part of me won't losing anytime soon. Hell, I feel so alone though. It's like, I am surrounded by people but it just. I don't know.
Bad fengshui hahahaha *sighs*

I'm just an empty shell
Waiting for a miracle
To fill up this broken pieces

Confused 😔😔

I don't know what's gotten into me lately but I just don't want people online to know that i'm a girl.
Don't get me wrong though. I love being a girl and i love dressing up and all that. I can't even go out without a simple make up on my face. And hell, i love my face because i find myself to be quite cute and good-looking hahahaha xD But it just well, let just say that i have masculine side in which I could only unleashed it online, well certain social network where no real-life people knows the real me. A place where i can freely cursed like a pirate without worrying about how it gonna affect my image as a girl. I know, girls do curse too but for me, they shouldnt curse too much, just okay-okay amount. 
And today there this people in my kiba's blog that tagging about the mun day and all that and it has gender in it. So i kinda told sis jaba that i would put batman as my gender and so she ask me why i want to hide my gender and so i told her like Because. Hahaha well, honestly.
Because i dont know. I'm confuse okay. Because there this one time i was thinking that maybe life be better if im a boy. I could help my parent in lots of things and they can trust me more doing things independently and i can protect them because being a girl, yes you can do all that but there's a limits. i don't know ehat i'm talking about hahaha 
Maybe im just confuse. I'm very easy confuse like this. At some point, i think that because i've been acting like myself more in front of sis jaba and maybe at some point she kinda judge me for ya know, obsess with cute girls just as much as i love guys, and now i dont feel like revealing my gender online because yada yada hahaha well, it actually because i've been behaving like a guy hahaha and uh, i don't know. i think i should take a break from tumblr. Probably because of all that many types of genders confused me already.

Life Update hahahahaha

Well hello there. It's been a month... I think hahahaha and I should be studying right now but yeah, let say that I'm currently taking a short break yeah. hahahaha and as you can see, I'm going to pull all-nighter today because I really want to score my IHRM subjects. Well, I still have whole friday to sleep my eyes out hahahaha so yeah~!

I still have like six more assignment to work with and I was thinking of finishing about three of them by this week, which one of them of course my SEMINAR reports and the other two, probably ERF and IHRM reports presentation. And a bonus, if I can finish my ERF earlier, maybe I'll start doing my FM. Probably I should as Kobe for chapter 4, 5, and 6 because I really don't have them with me. hahaha XD

Anyway, about my public speaking, I've decided that I'm just going with 7 reasons to love anime because dude, it's where my heart belongs. I AM A TRUE OTAKU and I shall show the world that Otaku aren't weird for falling in love with 2D characters like dude, everyone should understand reasons why the words Otaku exists. hahahaha so, I'll try my best to clear the Otaku's name since not all of us are weird though hahaha well, we all are weird but... uh... nevermind hahahahahaha

SO, I have thought a few reasons that I can put inside my slides like uhh;

1. Lovable Character.
In this one, I will put maybe corporal Ravioli like Oh my god! who doesn't love him anyway? he's sassiness, his skills and his height lol i'm sorry hahahaha and of course, I'll be talking about Mr Perfect Mako-chan Tachibana. YES! he'll definitely be the best example that will supports my points because he's so freaking perfect at that. Like he's kind, he lovely, he's adorkable oh my god, plus those sexy abs and puppy eyes. hahhahaha WHO doesn't love him? hahahaha

2. Genres
Anime have lots of genres that suits everyones like, if you like sports, there's a sport anime like Haikyuu, Prince of Tennis, FREE! and so on. If you like Gorish, SNK, parasites, tokyo ghouls, HOTD, romance? Ao haru ride, OHSHC, My little devil, Kaichou wa maid sama, etc, you like action? can try you are under arrest, slayers, dragon ballz, Coopelion Comedy, ohoho Nichibros, Gintama.... You love ninja? Naruto. are you more into gaming stuff? there's the world gods only knows, outbreak company, sword Art online, ragnarok, BTOOM! etc. You like Moe? K-On, madoka Magica etc. See, anime have alots hahahaha

3. Plots
Anime full of heart warming to heart wrenching plots. It gives us the feels like when we're watching K-drama except that sometimes, their plot is more heart wrenching hahahahahahaha I still can't get over the death of some characters. ESP shiro fujimoto oh my god. AHAHAHA even right now, I feel like my heart is clenching like it's gonna burst any minute. Like oh my god, why he has to die whaaaa skip HAHAHAHA

4. Life Lesson
In this part, I think that maybe I should insert some of anime quotes like e.g; what Mikasa told Eren; Fight if you wanna live. hahaha and then maybe I should put Naruto and some other anime that give lots of great quotations about life, friendships and relationships yeap. hahahaha I ain't love doctor if not because of them hahahahahahahaha

ANd thats all I could think of for the time being hahaha yeah, well *sighs* I still have few weeks to go but I wanna do it fast so I can ready myself when I present later on. But for now, I wanna focused on IHRM presentation first since it's gonna be around this week or next week. That's what my guts tell me though hahahaha XD

And I should go and continue with my study now. So wish me luck!
Hope I can survive this semester with flying colors. Like seriously hehehehe :)
I'll update again as soon as I get the chance.

P.S Let your smile cover up your tears.

Short Post

Okay. I'm just gonna say it! 

I WANNA DRAW A MANGA 

there! I said it
HAHAHAHHAHAHA
I have this strobg urge to draw a manga of my own ya knowwww but i just dont have the time. I'll only a bit free after my Seminar presentation which is on the 12th next next week! 

then i only have like Public speaking abd the impromptu and erf and hr to settle with XD 

Cant wait!!! I just wanna start to design my character after my upcoming presentation ngeeeeeeeeeeeee XDDDDD

I think I'm sick

My head are spinning like crazy and feel so freaking heavy like no kidding. But I can't lie down now, i need to settle my assignment and everything. Stupid stupid cold UwU

Why you've gotta attack me at this crucial time yer hahaha ugh. Mom said she didn't have any meds sighs. Can I take one day break? But tomorrow is that fucked up ERF class sighs* 

Oh well, just do my best for this semester. I just need to push myself ight? Yeah, drink water UwU do my work. Ai Ken Dew Eat hahahahaha

Wish me luck.
P.S: let your smile cover up your tears
P.SOne: I miss skyping with sis Jaba and Akichan
P.STwo: I should focus on my study first. Hope they'll understand that I'm not actually running from them though UwU

Lost Time Memory hahahaha




Hello Again! It's been a week, i think? hahahaha yeah, things with schools are great but at home not so great. Well, it's great it just that *sighs* I'm not sure how should I put this. I mean, well... Some unexpected even had come and well, I don't know if it good or bad things but it's really big for me. Well, let's start with happy stuff first. hahahaha XD

SO, in my last post, I told you that I'm going to have 'Should anime be banned?' for my Public Speaking but I kinda change it to another topic which is, 'What should you do to survive Zombie Apocalypse.' ahahahahahaha I know! I'm just following my heart, okay? Plus, when I kinda think of this topic, I was thinking about ZOS: Zombie Outbreak Survivor. ya know, the one that sis Jaba did last few years back and I'm thinking like maybe I'll present this one as if I'm actually one of the workers in the zombie survival tips company something hahahahaha yes! I shall and I'm thinking to take the introduction of the story as my intro later mwahahahahaha XD Maybe I'll change a bit and add some more words. Yeah, I can't wait to present about it. hahahahahaha

and right now, I suppose to do my TITAS powerpoint but I kinda lost in the middle of doing it. It's like my brain is shutting down. So I end up changing my blog song and wala! I'm here hahahaha I need to focus though but it's kinda hard to focus here in my room. I've been spending almost all of my time in the room. I just don't feel like getting out of here yet. I want to but I just, I don't know. The old feelings is back. It's not a good sign, I know. I'm trying to fight it by the way. so, worry not! hahahaha

And uh, yeah well. I've been having a relapsed last few days ago. I've cut about 7 times on that night. I know because I still have the scars visible on my arm. hahahaha I didn't mean to, I mean, I do mean to but yeah, it just happen, okay? hahaha I didn't bleed that much though because I didn't cut that deep. And my mom kinda ask me about it, the day after cuz I forgot to cover it up hahaha and I kinda lie to her that I was playing with wild cat and it scratch me. But thankfully she believed me. If she knew I did it myself, she'll be more worry. Ah, speaking of worry, actually, the thing is that my dad are no longer working. He has been reach the point where he's not allowed to go to work anymore. So, I just feel responsible for this family, you see. Since my brother is useless.

The things that trouble me so much is that, I'm a full-time student but if dad is no longer working, but my stupid brother is still so active with his drug-addiction, I really need to find a job. Not that I'm saying that my parent doesn't have any savings, they do. They even have enough money to support my school financially. All I've gotta do now is to study the best I can, make them proud, getting good results and all that stuff. But I don't know man. I.... don't know if I can do this. What if fail? What if I can't graduates? What if?

My dad seems to put too much trust on me, too much pride about how I will make their life better one day. But what if that one day never came? because I fail to make them proud? Now I'm scared that I'll disappoint them. I'm scared that if I fail doing my best in my studies, they'll be paying for my studies for nothing. I know very well that right now, all I've gotta do is study, do the best I can, no more procrastinating and just focus making them proud.

It's so easy to say all of it. But it's really hard you know. I do have some great friends that helping me with my study so far. I depend on them, they depend on me. We're a great team. But I'm just not sure if I can do it. Things that we're currently studying is quite okay for me, I can do it quite okay as well. But, we can't predict the future right?

I know, they're not wrong for putting high hopes on me. I appreciate that. Really. I know this might be my callings, like sis Jaba told me. But I just feel so weak, so..... I don't know. I don't know what worries me actually., Clearly, I know what I should do and how I can do it. But this indescribable feelings that growing inside me it just making me doubting myself. I'm not sure what I'm actually feeling. I try to make myself cry ya know. But no, I can't cry hahahaha and it's really affecting my performance in studying because I keep on spacing out for no reason, I even cut myself because It's really reeally frustrating me. I don't even know what I'm feeling. I feel so........ *sighs*

Stupid feelings. I wish someone slapped my face so hard right now. But for some reasons, I'm honestly worry about everything. I don't mind about me anymore. That phase already in the past. I lived myself normally so far. It just this stupid feelings that coming in the way. I need a hug. hahahahaha

Well, I guess that's all for now. I'll update soon.
P.S: Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears
P.SOne. hehe: Logan Lerman is dating Alexandria Daddario. I'm sexy free and single HAHAHAHA

School and Stuff.


Hello, again! I'm back hahaha well, I've been seriously busy lately and assignment duedate is hitting me like a machine gun bullet. hahaha like for only this month, I have like two assignment need to be done. Next month, another two presentation to be done. So, I'm pretty much busy. hahahaha XD and yeah, I kinda took the Seminar subject which mean I now have 6 subjects to study for this semester. It's mostly presentation though, even though I prefer written assignment but TwinTech students really more into presentations. So I'm bracing myself right now and try to work with my presentation skills. Like seriously.

But thinking back about everything and putting aside the packed schedules of due dates I'm having, I think I can do this and it's pretty exciting ya know because most of the assignment we're gonna do is individual. hahahaha 'individual' is my favourite words. hahahaha Plus, I can say that my english pronunciation is pretty good and i have good research skills too so I think I'm going to survive this semester pretty good. hahahaha well, not to say this is going to be easy for me since you know how lazy I am. So I'll have to work out with my laziness though. 

But worry not! I am changed man. hahahaha I've just done my FM assignment for chapter one and two and I'm like OMG! I did it! hahahaha and currently, I'm working on my TITAS writting assignment and probably will start doing a little on it presentation as well. I was thinking of working on my IHRM on Monday, as well as a bit for my TITAS presentation and probably making a little research for my Seminar presentations. Since TITAS and Seminar presentation, I only have a week gap to present them both. 

I'd say, 'time is running out' by Muse is pretty much describing my life today hahahaha. and then, I'm told that after chinese new year, there'll be our impromptu assignment for Public Speaking class and sometimes there, we'll be having IHRM and Public Speaking presentation as well. AH! speaking of PS presentation, I need to think of a topic to be presented. (T__T) I was thinking of doing some; which might gonna be rejected which is;

1. Which is better? PS4 or Xbox One @ Call of Duty vs  Battlefield
LOLs I know! hahahahaha and and my favourite;

2. Should Anime be banned? 

anddddddd I think i'm going to present about that one mwahhahahahaha because for the love of anime! it shouldn't be ban at all like dudeeeeeee~ anime is like giving life lesson to everyone and teach us what is good and bad like like for example, naruto! he thought us to chase our dream and guess what?! he did and become hokage. Blue exorcist thought us that family is important and say that you love them before things are too late like like what happen to rin and shiro-san. he regret it after shiro-san die and me too. I feel it in my bones. The emotions is like so very strong it hit me like a nail. hahahaha anyway, my real point here is that, anime shouldn't be banned BUT it can be put under censorships like, 0only selective genre of anime. Not directly banned the anime for real. Come on, like think about the childrren! i mean, anime lovers like myself. We can't lives without anime. no anime, no life. 
My conclusion is no. It shouldn't. It can be put under censorships but not be banned permanently. Well, like even though the government would probably try to banned it, hardcore fans will always find their ways to watch them like from social websites such as tumblr, twitter, or maybe deviant art, or some anime video related websites like animeexceed or something. 
By taking anime from us, it's like trying to say that we cannot love something that we love. think about all the cosplayers, the collectors... right?
hahahahaha 

or or maybe I'll put it like this;
3. Why liking anime is trending world-wide? or smething like that. Man, I can go on and on about this hahahahhahahaha XDDD
well, first things first, i need to work on that topic name and convince Ms. Eunice that it;s really pretty good topic hahahaha XDD
anyway, I should go now. it's almost 12 though so.... yeah. time to sleep. I have class tomorrow. *sighs*

and I've texted val about our sleepover and she didn't reply me. So, i'm like meh. whatever. Because on the second thought, I don't really want to have that sleepover hahahahahahahahha shhhhh, I know! HAHAHAHAHA opss. anyway, I'm pretty much need to sleep now HAHAHAHA and i think I just embarrassed myself on the chat group so I decided not to be in the group for as long as I can hahahahaha XD not that they're my friends anyway. So, not important and I just leave it at that since it's their problem not understanding my jokes. Okay. 

Now I'm going for real. Hope to update real soon and wish me luck! XD

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears!


I guess... *sighs*

Well, hello. hahahaha Yeah, this gonna be short post because I just want to uh, ya know taking some shit out from my head because it's very disturbing me lately. So, I just need to let it out ya know. And since I don't really have anyone to talk to, and yes, I don't feel like talking about it either so I'll just say it all here :)


That picture is all for show hahahaha it has nothing to do with what I wish to tell hahahahaha XDD *ahem* anyway, the things is that I've just finished writing my first short story of 2015. Neh, the one I've wrote about in my last post. So, apparently I've told sis Jaba about it and thought that she want to read it but then... *sighs* I didn't really get the reaction I wanted and honestly it just killing my determination to continue writing hahahahaha yeah, I should let it control me but I can't. I need someone to proofread it or maybe a simple comments about it like is it bad or is it good?

If I'm gonna read it, of course I think it's good because it's my doing, right? But meh. She just like, "Ah good. Post it on wattpad then.." And im like hahah...nah... I'll think about it because I want to change a bit of the story hahahaha *sighs* I just want her to read it but now..... Maybe I should just change the whole story line and make a new one or maybe I should just delete it.

*sighs* I guess I am a bad writer. hahahaha like honestly. Maybe because my story line is too cliche and my english is ya know how bad it is and I know I'm not capable to write something good or original. I'm so not original and never will. It just sucks feeling this way. I've been trying not to let it affect me but my brain is a shit. It keep on reminding me about this. about that moment. I hate feeling rejected hahahaha I mean, who doesnt?

I know that I'm not as good as all the other writers but yeah.... *sighs* I guess I'll just stop writing for a while. I don't know. Maybe I'm just not build for writing? I just hate this. Honestly.

I hope I can focus on my study instead hahahaha yeah.... or just continue reading because that's what I capable of. Just read other people stuff, not making it myself. yeah, I should continue doing that. What's the worst can it be.

I'll write again after I forget about this. hahahhahaha

Happy New Year! hahahahaha

Well, hello 2015! hahaha this is my first post of the year yearghhh~!! I'm looking forward for the best to come because I will keep believing that things gonna be great for me this year. I can smell it in my bones hahahahaha Anyway, so far things are great for me and yesterday I've my first class and I'm like WOOOOOH! finally! hahahaha and my first class is TITAS which we're going to learn about Tamadun-Tamadun, like we've been learned in Form 4/5 i don't recall but yeah, we're gonna go through that shit once again. BUT! I'm soo fire up and we're going to have our presentation next month. I know, everything is rushing but chill~ hahahaha next week, we're going to have to bring all the materials about our assignment and apparently we're going to do it in class whether we like it or not. So, yeah. hahahaha and then, yesterday also I've got my last semester results and guess what? Ngeeeeee~~~~ I got great marks. Thanks to Starbucks for providing me enough caffeine through the week hahahaha XD Well, I got A minus for both International Business and English Integrated Skills, and C plus for my Strategic Management because I don't really understand that class though but thankfully I get C plus for it hahahaha XD I feel blessed~ hahahaha but my real horror isn't here yet which is Business Math. Hell, I really hope I'll get good grades. I don't mind what grade I'm gonna get as long as I'm not going to resit or anything. I don't want to resit though because resits will definitely affect my GPA even though I have 2A as my results UwU but worry aside, let's hope for the best~ XD

So, today I went out with my one and only bestie, Val. She just got back from Kuching yesterday and actually we both thought about going out next week but then, since we've promised to watch Night At The Museum together last year, so we kinda have to go today because tomorrow is the last day for the movie but we can't go tomorrow because I'm having class from morning until night. *sighs* but we both had fun though. Going around Parkson, our must go place is Super Save but too bad SuperSave is full or tanglung and all the CNY necessity so we both end up didn't buy anything. hahahaha and then we went to this Tee'z shop which is selling cute t-shirt and I bought her female stitch t-shirt as her Xmas present hehehehe and oh, on our way to Parkson just now, she gave me an advance birthday present which is bunch of cute paper clips. This is my second birthday present from her and both are vintage like. hahahaha I really thank her for the lovely present but I'm still awkward so I just said like Awh, thanks val! hahahahaha XD and then, after the movie we went eat at our usual place at four junction around Boulevard area there and we talk about all kinds of stuff, well honestly she do the most talking as usual hahahaha and I'm just adding some and give her my opinion and all that. We talk about an hour and a half then I send her home and even on the way, we talk a lot. hahahaha XD yeah, it's really fun. Until we don't even bother to snap a pictures together hahahaha XD Then, we both planning to have sleep over soon. Since she's only going to be here for three week. So we're thinking maybe around next week. Probably weekends? We'll see. We haven't thought it thoroughly yet. But we did decided to bake some cupcakes. hahahaha XD having sleepover with my bestie is written in my bucket list actually. So, I guess it's gonna come true hahahahaha can't wait! XD

This week definitely a busy week for me and tomorrow, like I said. I'm going to have full-day class *sighs* and then on Friday jengjengjeng~ hahahaha jmy 21st birthday babyy~! but I don't really feel anything though. Well, not that I don't like birthdays, it just that I don't feel a thing. Well, I lied. I do feel something. Responsibility. *sighs* it's a very complicated and heavy words once you realize what it's really mean. hahahaha well, since I'm 21 years old now. I shall try to get my shit together but yes, I'll still be playing around, running like 5 years old and laughing like a banshee and joking like there's no tomorrow, BUT, I've gotta work a bit matured in terms of brain and know what I should prioritize. I've decided that I'll do all my best in my studies, or whatever I'm going to do in the future. I'll do all my best and make my parent proud. Since I'm their only last hope now, I have no time to give up and fucking around. Well, sometimes yes but not always. I know things isn't going to be easy but I have to try doing my very best to go through it because I choose to keep moving and I believe this is my calling. I'm going to make my parent proud and to ensure them that I can make their life better. I'm going to prove them that they can depends on me. SO, yeah. I hope I'm going to make it and that this isn't just some empty talk. Yeah. I shall be strong for my parents. But honest, I'm still worry about my B.Maths. hahahahahaha XD

And *gasped* I've finish my short story which I call Imagination with Logan Lerman. My gosh, I blush the whole story hahahahahahahahahahahahahahah Well, I finished it yesterday but then. I'm still not sure. Maybe I'll reread it again and see if there's something I might change until I'm satisfied with the story line ngehehehehehe I'll post it here once I'm done.
And I kinda looking forward for this Saturday where I'm going to accompany sis Jaba to attend her colleague's weddings. I'm pretty nervous about that but yeah, I'm still going so no worries. I'll just hope that things gonna be great hahahaha *sighs* I can't help it okay. I'm paranoid hahahaha and then I've ask sis Jaba to sleepover and she said yes too. Ah, speaking of sis Jaba though. We've spoke in skype just now, for a while and she seems down about stuff and decided to go offline early. Well, I do understand though because all the pressure and stuff from the workplace and yeah, I should think too much about her reaction hahahaha *sighs* Well, yes. I'm start to think that maybe I did something wrong. I KNOW! I'm sorry! I shouldn't think like that but I'm very sensitive hahhahaha and I'm just recovering so it's a little bit hard for me to stop myself from thinking the negative way. hahahaha I'm a working in progress. Even earlier this morning, I stared at my scars, and when I noticed only some of it visible, my brain start asking me like, why didn't I cut deeper for every scars I have and I have to knock myself out by blasting the music really loud in my ears hahahaha gosh. And well, it's 12:09 now. so I think i shall try to get some sleeps because I have morning class tomorrow. So, I'll be back again soon~ maybe on my birthday. Maybe. hahahahaha we'll see. So good night and happy new year, Mr. Bloggy!


P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)