-impian Terhalang- first BM post Yaw!

note : this isn't poem. (saje je guna ayat-ayat dramatis)

impianku mungkin kecil dan tidak bermakna bagi kamu

tapi bermakna segalanya bagiku

kerana impian itu adalah impianku sejak kecil

dan sehingga hari ini,

impian itu teguh dan sebati denganku

tapi malangnya

setiap insan yangku temui menghalangku dari mencapai impian itu

terus-menerus mereka mengatakan impianku itu tidak berguna

impian itu tidak menjamin masa depanku

kata mereka

aku bodoh kerana mempunyai impian itu

kerana mereka mengharapkan aku menjadi seperti yang mereka mahu

kata mereka

impian budak kecil hanyalah jenaka

hanya imaginasi yang tercipta kerana terpengaruh

dengan animasi-animasi dalam tv.

kritisan mereka yang menjadi-jadi

seringkali bermain difikiranku

setengah mereka mulai meracuni fikiranku

dengan membuatkanku mula memikirkan impian baru

dan dengan perlahan impianku menghilang

kini, 

aku keliru dengan masa depanku

aku tidak tahu apa impianku lagi

aku buntu dan kini aku semakin hampir

hampir dengan ruang yang membawaku

ke puncak kejayaan.

tetapi, 

aku masih tidak dapat memikirkan apa yang aku mahu

patutkah aku meneruskan impian duluku?

atau aku patut meneruskan saja impian baruku?

impian baruku yang mereka boleh membuatkan mereka gumbira?

aku sayangkan mereka yang menentang

tetapi aku juga sayang dengan impianku

jikalau aku memilih impianku,

berkemungkinan aku kehilangan mereka.

kini aku keliru

sangatlah keliru.

aku buntu

dan sangatlah buntu

aku akui kesusasteraan bukanlah destinasiku

jalan hidupku tidak membawaku ke sana

dan aku tidak berdaya menukar destinasi yang telah ditentukan oleh-Nya.

mungkin benar,

impian budak kecil hanyalah jenaka

aku sudahpun terlanjur dalam bidang sains

mungkin aku patut teruskan saja dan jadi apa yang mereka mahu

dan hilangkan minatku dalam kesusasteraan serta lupakan impianku menjadi seorang kartunis.

kerana itulah yang mereka mahu

tidak mengapa aku bersedih

asalkan mereka bahagia

aku sudah cukup bahagia.

maybe i'm not meant to be cartoonist, i don't have the talent anyway :D beside, all my family against it so, what else i can do? hurt them more? neah.. i'm not going to do that. they already hurt enough. i don't want them to cry because of my stupid childhood dream. its stupid anyway. it surely does stupid. but, because it is stupid, that is why stupid me, want to be it. still hoping so much that my parent can open up their heart for me to fulfill my dream. its enough and just enough if they let me be part-time cartoonist. as long as i can be one. i just wanting it too much. more than anything. but i have no guts to tell them this. i wish they know how to use internet and read this post, then understand how much i want to be cartoonist. I want it badly. just want it.

i want to be cartoonist because :

* i want to fulfill my childhood dream

* i love to draw

* i want to make people happy

* i want to share experience with people

* i want people to enjoy my artwork

this must be crazy for you. and you're right it is crazy. i am crazy anyway.

ITSHURTS...CAN'TNOBODY...CLAPYOURHAND...GOAWAY...

love all their songs. i think i'm BLACKJACK because since their mini album, i love them 4! 2NE1 hwaiting!

Something Call Life.

Konnichiwa! hahaha :D its been a while.well, i do remember and i do have something to share but my bone say, No. so, i skip :D hahaha :D well, you know me, i'm lazy bump ~ hahaha. i'm having a very very long boring holiday this year as i've mention, 2010 is totally terrible year for me. i can't wait to end it soon. wheuhh~ and i'm so glad i wasn't SPM candidate for this year. if not, i may get straight F~ hahaha :D oh ho, hell yeah, i'm tension. here and there problems. whenever i'm free they always come. hate them. still, problems do teach me what life is and i learn a lot from them :D them? hahahaha :D well, i'm so damn bored right now, got nothing to do *got actually, just don't feel like doing it. :P* Right now, i'm waiting for my sis Jon and sis Ina to come back home ^^ miss them very very very very much! even its just few days its feel like urgh! thousands years!but if it really a thousand years, i'm going to be reborn, then i can meet them back hahahaha :D if, i have the chance to be reborn. hahahaha :D you know what i mean.

oh yeah, i just bought black rims spec. wuhuu! dream come true. originally, it was a sunglasses but i took out the glasses and make it like that *like in the pics* nice kan? make my eyes look even bigger than usual. ekeke :D i love it. i bought 2, this one and another one is white, but not really suit me and i don't really like it. hehehe :D i want to say sorry to my mum for already wasting money buying the other one but didn't use it. sorry mum! mianhaeyo! Oh yeah, i still have a tons of homework that waiting to be done but i don't have guts to do it. i think i'm going to start doing it next week. ohohoh hopefully, my dear. if not, next year i'll be deadmeat for i guarentee next year, all the teachers will be as fierce as a monster and even some of them would have the ability to change into hulk or worst T^T. no playing year. urgh! i already feel the pressure, NOT! hahahaha :D  and i have visited my friend blog, err, YunQian blog. i read her post and there she talked about future and she also mention that she already old enough and it is her time to think about her future. after i read that post, i realize, i'm going to be old too. SOON! i don't like it but i have no choice, like it or not, i'm gonna be old one day. talk about future. what is my future? to be honest, i don't even act maturely and i still don't know what field i want to study after high school graduation. hmm..hmm..i don't know for i never think about my future. all i do this time is dreaming to be a good korean celebrities. now i realizw, i've waste 16 and half years of my life with something that can't guarentee my future. i'm wondering, what will i be? what job will i have? what i want to be? what? what? what? haiya. so many what! and if i don't know what, then how the hell i know how to achieve it? urgh! i'm so useless. i'm useless daughter. i feel guilty to my parent for they give me a very high expectation. 

haiz! i can't stop sighing. hahaha :D for sure, i want to do something that can make my parent happy and proud to have me as their daughter as now, it look like i am their only hope.my brother? still haven't change. always being the hateful big brother. yeah, i do hate him but still he is my brother. i forgive him but i won't forget what he did to mum and dad. every night he call mum and asked for money. last night, they fight again and i heard it all but i pretend i didn't hear a things. whenever i think about their fight, my heart feel like being crash by two big truck from both side. so hurtful, hateful.. oh well, just need to be patience right? that what i'm doing right now, be patience. i believe, one day, everything is going to be okay ^^. just hope for the best :D

well, i want to use this opportunity to talk about my besties. first is prudence. well, i realize she change a lot after couple with Christyan. i don't know but i can feel it. something really different change in her. my heart keep saying it to me. well, maybe i'm too sensitive. hahahaha :D as long as she didn't forget and betray me, that enough ^^ and valerie? i haven't see her face to face, still i have contact her through facebook. ehehe :D glad she did not lost contact. if she did, i'm going to ambush her facebook every minute. hahaha :D neah, not going to do that. Fiona? she is in her own world right now. hahaha :D she found her love. his name is Freddy Yaw. hahaha :D just kidding, facebook name, Freddy Raw. hahaha :D well, they match each other. that boy seem nice and if he  dare to broke my precious Fiona's heart, i will crash him and slice his body into 1000 pieces. Huh! hahahahaha :D its a metaphor actually. if he hurt fiona, i will confront him and tell him that he lose something precious and very hard to find. yepp :D its true. tinna? she's fine i think. just having boring holiday as bored as mine. hehehe :D i keep seeing her posting on facebook telling bored, bored and bored. haiz, tinna. i know how you feel. hahahahaha :D clock is ticking and keep ticking can't be pause nor stop, can't wait to see my cherish sisters to come home XD i'm so excited!!

phoebe is really gone. i miss her badly. i can't stop thinking about her. did she eat well? does her mother treat her right? is she happy? this question keep playing on my mind. i just can't stop thinking about her. i don't know why, maybe she just to valuable. well, of course she doesn't know that. i never told her. hahaha :D ah, this christmas, my cousin from Labuan will come and celebrates christmas here together with us. everyone will come except for Phoebe i think. but i really hope she could join us. if she really coming back, i won't scold her or say anything to her, but i will hug her and beg her for not to leave anymore. i don't want our sisterhood chain broken. it is enough we lose one of us. and honestly, i miss sis Chyi even how nasty she is, she always be my sister because we still have blood ties. sometimes i wonder, why they leaving? aren't they feeling lonely after leaving? talk about leaving, i think sis Inut and sis Jaba is leaving me too. for sis Inut going to follow her boyfriend stay in KK when her boyfriend officially stay and work there later on. sis Jaba, of course will go with her. sis Ina, already leave. sis Jon, going to leave soon. everyone that in really care is leaving soon. even my dearest Val is leaving, and my respectful madam Suriati also leaving. eventhough they still here with me, i can feel that my heart is empty. i wish we can be together forever but i have no right to that that, right? its all in His hand. its true, people come and then leave but God make them leave because He have His reason, right? just that, we don't know. Honestly, i really love my family and my friends. i cherish them all and they are my most valuable things in my whole life.

love one? neah... i really don't want to talk about it anymore. i want to stop. if i don't stop, i will totally losing my merits to enter university and make my parent proud. haha! thats it, HyukMin malaysia, i want to forget you dear. thank you for making me falling in love again. love it and now i know how it feel to be stalker. LOL XD got experience already! hahaha :D and to my HyukMin korea, i love you still baby. hahaha :D don't you worry, just worry about your position and keep praying that you'll stay in my top 5. hahaha XD just kidding :P i'm not that crazy la. he don't even know me, how can i tell the world that he is mine, Duh! pathetic! hahaha :D so, i guess that is all i want to share. uh! i think this is the longest post that i ever post here :D hehehehe :DD


so, i guess, be seeing you guys next time :D Adieu >..0

whoa :D so big! LOL XDD my my, when i can meet him?. agagagagaagga *mr.crab laugh*
and here i got another short poem :D


you're eyes are shining bright
brighter then the twinkling stars
your smile is sweeter than sugars
melts my heart every time its beating.


-to my deares Kang Hyuk Min-
Chuwahae! SarangHae! hahaha :D

Bad Person

I am not a good person

I hurt those I love

I seek for attention when they down

I can’t even read their real expression

I am not a good person

I don’t understand what they going through

I mess up with them and make their life worst

I was never there when they need me

I am not a good person

I never notice their broken heart

I never seek for the pieces

I never try to glued them back

I am not a good person

I never wipe their tears

But I am the one who brought them to tears

I am the worst

I don’t deserve the best

But still I never want to be ignored

For I am afraid to be alone

Walking through the dark path of life

Never was easy to be done

I’m desperate to find the light

So, I hurt them and took their light

I made a mistake

I darken their path to lighten mine

I was so selfish back then

But now I realize

Still it just too late

For I can’t turn back time

And give back their light

Even they forgive my selfishness

It makes no differences

For I can’t erase the things I’ve done

And I’m going to be a bad person for the rest of my life.

I'm Crazy and I am Crazy YaW! hahaha :D

Konnichiwa! hahaha :D hey hey~ today is the first day of holiday~ WUHUUU! i'm so glad to have this holiday yaw! and i have a very best day today :D but actually, this holiday quite boring because i can't see my friends. ehehe but still i love it. Oh ya! my room got new look~ hohohohohoho. my room have more spaces la cuz i just bought 2 new cupboard. i asked from mum only 1 cupboard but... she want to buy me another one, on ajer la~ hahahahha :D btw, i went to shopping with my sisters today! wuhuu! we go to merdeka mall. still not many shop but i just found that there going to have a bookstore. i like it yaw~ hahahaha :D and i bought book for myself and sis jaba :D hehehe for memories bah. i want to write a journal about my SPM years :D just kidding. i dunno what to do with the book. i just bought it. hahahaha XD to complete my collection la. *i realize i use broken english a lot today* and and what else? well, for the conclusion, today is my best day :D

  as i have just mention for the title of this post, i have a new hobby. crazy hobby. i never did this since i was born. LOL XD my new hobby is.... taa daa... being a stalker! LOL XD i know~ sound crazy! it is crazy. hahahahaha :D well, as you know i'm kinda into this one cute guy. no. i never mention him. he's not from my class and i would love to named him 'HyukMin' as i'm loving hyukminnie right now. hahaha :D well, i know him not really well but for sure, he's single. LOL :D and i know person like him wouldn't have even a little glance on me. you know, i'm not cute, pretty or smart and even ugly dude would never like me. hahaha XD and i'm not that girly type too. hahaha :D for sure, person like him does like a girl that is almost perfect in everything ^^. as usual, i just let my heart take care of him until he found someone who deserve him. hahaha and i'm gonna stalk him until that day come~ huahahaha  :D call me crazy, because i'm crazy in love! hahahaha :D *i'm talking nonsense* ngahahaha love it!

    stalk..stalk...stalk... i call myself "LittleStalker" because i think it really suit me for the time being. hahahaha :D ah ya, enough about stalking things. ermm. yea, i found one song that really cute one. the song title is Cute by Stephen Jerzak *whoa, his cute* hahaha :D the song is quite cute and cute la. hahaha :D not much to say because it does cute :DDD what else? hmm..homework? well, i do have them as next year i'm going to sit for SPM. and i'm gonna start doing them when i finish tidying my stuff inside my room. too much work to do bah~ you don't know how my room is *just imagine the Acheh after tsunami* i don't know whether that room belong to girl of kids. hahahaha :D but i love my room! colourful and the wall is full with my favourite kpop band :D ngahahaha :D mum said i'm dirtying my wall but why should she care? my room bah that :D hahaha i can do whatever i like, my dear~ :3


so i'm lacking of idea :D oh yeah, i want to use this opportunity *yerdehh* to wish all SPM and STPM student GOOD LUCK and DO YOUR BEST. GOD BLESS YOU ALL xD aja! aja! hwaiting, guys!  




to my deares Sis Jaba : do your best dear! love you and God bless you!


so, that end my post, enjoy the pic yaw~ sarange!

oh, here i got short poem * suddenly pop out in my mind de*


twinkle twinkle little star
how i wonder how great you are
wishing i can twinkling like you
so i can be as great as you :D


hehehe :D so long!


p/s : let your smile cover you tears :3

Story Of Little Miss Stalker :D

on Monday,

I wait for you at the door

You pass by me

I smile at you

You look at me

I look somewhere else

On Tuesday

I search for you

I found you

You look at me

I pretend to look somewhere else

On Wednesday

I walk behind you

Listen to your soft voices

You notice and look back

I stop and pretend to tie up my shoelace

On Thursday

I look at you

You look back at me

I didn’t notice

You smile

I notice and I immediately pretend to talk to friend

On Friday

I look at you from far

You busy talking to your friend

You didn’t notice and didn’t look back

I wonder why

On Saturday

I’m at home

Stalking over your profile

Read your status over and over

Smiling before went to dream land.

On Sunday

I stalk your profile

I read you status

I smile

Nothing change

Still got chance, my heart whisper

I feel relieve

But for sure

You’ll never know

I give you my heart without you noticing it

For I’m afraid your heart is belong to someone else

I will let my heart take care of you

Until you find someone special

Someone who deserve you.

Love you always : D

Sudden Tears. Still Thanks To A Group Of Sweet Heart

Today, i'm gonna start with Konbanwa! hahaha :D well, no reason though. ah, for sure i had fun with my dearest classmates today especially the chinese. hohoho :D we talk a lot today ^^. we talk about korean, ghost and nonsense. ehehe :D i took few photo because the scenery doesn't really caught my mind and soul. maybe because i feel not too happy today. tears suddenly come out when i was playing the sands alone. the ocean makes my heart feel hurt and i suddenly reminisce everyone that i care started to fade away and i started to hurt everyone that i love. i don't know what is His purpose doing this to me because all the situation that i've been through this years is too heavy for me. i mean, i'm to young for all this. i know and i understand that he have His own reason on making all this challenge. but i can't think i can get over this. i don't know what to do and almost everyday, i cry, every minutes i wish for solutions. i can't think of any. i need help! i did try telling all this to Dence but she doesn't seem to care. i am regretting for telling her my problems and of course that is first and last time i tell her. telling her doesn't seem to make me feeling better though. well, she doesn't have anything to do with it though. enough i tell you and only you, bloggy :D thats why i love you ^^

    so, i want to thank to this group of sweetheart for making my day better today especially YunQian (yellow shirt), Ek Cheng (black shirt) and Kelly Chong (white shirt*the one that sit*) because they make me laugh and forget my stupid sad feeling ^^ even it just for a moment, i am feeling much better. thank you! thank you! xie xie ni de peng you! hahaha :D is that correct? ekekeke :D i really thankful to them and GOD! thank you for letting them joining the party today. if not, i already home at noon. hahahaha :D we have a lot of fun today. we play swings, seesaw and slide :D ehehehe XD noticing that kelly is soo like me. Playful! hahahaha XD i love it. Dence? she sit there and messaging ^^ well, mature already. not like me, run here and there :D but thats her. i can't change her, right? ehehehe XD and of course my daddy (christyan) did something embarrasing me and at the same time, make me 'syok sendiri' hahahahahahhahahah XD you know, the one that i have crush on * the one that i never mention * hahaha :D  he did come to tanjung lobang today. i dunno why. maybe class party. and my daddy took a photo of him from far *zoom* hahahaha :DDD i was like, can't stop laughing!KYAHHH! but too bad, he took the back side of him. still, i'm grateful to have his photo. LOL XD post it here? neah. i want to keep it for myself. LOL XD

hahahaaha :D i forget about HyukMin. LOL XD mianhe, sarang! hahahaha XD i never forget my HyukMin oh. he will stay in my heart. just that he have to share with others. LOL XD i still wish to see Hyuk Min in real life like i was hoping to see my Jiyong. hahahaha XD to much haha-ing right? but i can't control myself from typing that. hehehe :D oh yeah, you know what, i have request my daddy to be friend with my crushy and know him better. LOL XD crazy request. so, i guess that all for now. need to do my oral presentation which is about HyukMin! Just Kidding XD i wanna do about Seoul City :D






so, adieu everyone :D

P/S : let your smile cover your tears :D

100 Truths. -i found this on my friend's blog-

100 Truths

LASTS:

1. Last beverage→

*  mango juice

2. Last phone call→ 

*  from mum

3. Last text message→ 

*  hahaha :D

4. Last song you listened to→ 

*  cooking, cooking -suju-

5. Last time you cried→

*  last few days

HAVE YOU EVER:

1. Dated someone twice?

*  nope, in dreamland

2. Been cheated on? 

*  nope ^^

3. Kissed someone & regretted it? 

*  hahaha :D kiss my shawny and never regret it ^

4. Lost someone special?

*  many time ^^

5. Been depressed? 

* not exactly. i'm kinda good in handling this things ^^

6. Been drunk and threw up?

*  haha :D no. i'm anti-alcohol

LIST FOUR FAVORITE COLORS:

* blue, black, white, yellow, orange, green, grey and indigo.

HAVE YOU:

1. Made new friends → 

*  yeahaha :D

2. Fallen out of love →

*  ermm

3. Laughed until you cried →

*  all the time :D

4. Met someone who changed you →

* hahaha XD no one can change me. i change people. LOL XD

5. Found out who your true friends were →

* i think i have found them :D

6. Found out someone was talking about you → 

*  err.. maybe my fans. LMFAO XD jk2 

7. Kissed anyone on your friend’s list? 

* ermm.. nope :D

8. How many people on your friends list do you know in real life?

* a lottt :DD

9. How many kids do you want to have? 

* two or three. maybe :D love kids a lot XD

10. Do you have any pets?

* yeahh!six dogs! different breed! wohoo :D

11. Do you want to change your name? 

* hahaha :D nope but if can have two name, i want la.

12. What did you do for your last birthday?

* ermm.. nothing. hahaha :D celebrating it as usual.

13. What time did you wake up today?

* 5.30a.m ^^

14. What were you doing at midnight last night →

* online shopping ^^

15. Name something you CANNOT wait for →

*  SPM! bcuz after SPM i can go to SEOUL CITY!!

16. Last time you saw your father?

* last month if i'm not mistaken ^^

17. What is one thing you wish you could change about your life→ 

* NOTHING. loving my life ^^

18. What are you listening to right now → 

*  my family voices and the tv's.

19. Have you ever talked to a person named Tom →

* hahaha :D nope.

23. What’s getting on your nerves right now?

* what will happen on this end of year holiday.

24. Most visited web page → 

* Facebook, LuvClothez, blogger, twitter, tumblr, formspring.lelong.com ^^

WHAT:

1. What’s your name → 

* Fergiee Frederick

2. Nicknames →

* Pgiederyck, Dorapgie, NgengNgeng, gie, biebie not bieber hoh? hahaha

3. Relationship Status →

* in a relationship with.. Kang Hyuk Min. LOL XD

4. Zodiac sign → 

*  Capricorn

5. Male or female →

* Female.

6. Elementary school→ 

* Srk pujut corner, Sk Lutong

7. High School →

* SMK Pujut

8. Height →

* 165cm

10. Hair color → 

* Brunette.

11. good at → 

* talking? hahaha :D 

16. bad at → 

* stop talking XD

17. What do you like about yourself? 

* well, i like about everything about myself.

18: What don’t you like about yourself?

*  hahahaha :D please refer back to the above.

19. Piercings →

* 2 ^^ both ear.

20. Tattoos →

*  ermmm.. i don't think so.

21. Righty or lefty →

*  both ^^

FIRSTS :

22. First fight → 

* during my elementary school day ^^ love it XD

23. First embarrassment → 

* hahaha :D can't recall. too many. LMFAO XD

24. First best friend → 

*  prudence :D first and last~ hahahaha :D

26. First kiss → 

* haven't have it yet ^^ waiting for the right person XD

27. First pet → 

*  Scooby ChaCha -die cause of accident-

28. First vacation→ labuan :D

29. First crush → Kim JaeJoong XD

30. First Boyfriend → hahaha :D don't have any XD

49. Eating → some kind of korean chocolate stick^^

50. Drinking → cold water XD

52. I’m about to → write my blog ^^

53. Listening to → cousin's voices and tv

55. Waiting for → HyukMin to tell me that he love me XD

YOUR FUTURE :

58. Want kids? →

* yeah!

59. Want to get married? → 

* well.. depends. hehehe

60. Careers in mind? → 

* cartoonist or maybe environmental engineering.

YOUR PERFECT MATE

68. Lips or eyes → eyes

69. Hugs or kisses → hugs

70. Shorter or taller → taller

71. Older or Younger → older

72. Passive or agressive → passive

73. Personality or looks → both

74. Quiet or loud → loud

75. Hook-up or relationship → relationship

where is 76? * why ask me? 

77. Trouble maker or hesitant → both XD

HAVE YOU EVER :

78. Kissed a stranger → no. never.

79. Drank hard liquor → neah.

80. Lost glasses/contacts → yeah

81. Told a big lie…or joke → hell- yeah!

82. Broken someone’s heart → yup :D

83. Had your own heart broken→ many times

85. Been arrested → hahaha :D no.

86. Turned someone down → yeahh!

87. Cried when someone died → uh'oh.

88. Liked a friend that is a girl? → like? yes. love? big NO!

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

89. Yourself → yepp :D

90. Miracles →yes

92. Hell →yhea!

93. Santa Clause → oh yeah.

95. Kiss on the first date? → Nope

96. Angels → yeah.

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

97. Is there one person you want to be with right now? → 

* yeppp :D always wanted to but just can't

98. Had more than one boyfriend/girlfriend at one time?

* no! not in my life book

100. Posting this as 100 Truths? 

* hahaha :D yea.