God, Please Hear Me Calling Your Name

i don't know why i keep feeling broken. i can't figure it out and this stupid feeling always surrounds me and make me..hmm.. i wish i know how it make me feel like. i really wish i can go somewhere else right now and run away from all this misery. i wish i know how to drive so that i can bring myself away from this area and how i wish i have a lots of money so that i could use it to buy myself a plane ticket and away from this state, away from everyone, away from everything. how i wish alien come and abducted me and turns me into alien and deleted all my memories, pain and feeling that i have. i hate to have it. how i wish i can connect my brain to this lappy and delete every memories that i hate like i deleted all the broken files in this lappy. and how i wish there the most wanted murder suddenly appear infront of me right now and stab me 100 times and cut me into pieces because i think its better than being hurt in the heart. how i wish there a group of vampires come and bite me and tear me into hundreds part. i hate to live. i don't want to live this life any longer. i do have thinking of suicide but i'm too scared to do so. that is why i wish there could be someone who can kill me. but i don't think God let me die at this very moment because this is His test. He want me to find the solution, myself. how i wish i can. Oh God, forgive me. i don't think i can do this, i don't think i have the guts to survive in this test. i just want to give up. i give up in life, dear God. I'm sorry. i just can't take this any longer. i know, giving up is not the solution but i just can't take it anymore. i have enough. too much. i can't take it anymore. but still, i can't leave my mother alone. she had more too worry than me. she have to face my stupid brother everyday, who breaks her heart every night and day. the one who burden her and dad. how i wish i can met a fairy and the one first things that i would wish for is, " i wish he wasn't my brother." but still, even though, he always hurt mum's and dads. i just can't hate him. he is the one of the last person that i ever hate. i don't know, God. i wish you could give me a sign. a sign that i can use to survive this life. a sign that could help me get through all this. but i guess You don't get me either. You don't understand what i want and what i really need and maybe You just don't care about me because You care about those who serve and faithful to You only. i know. i'm not a good believers and i don't deserve Your attention. but i hope, You could spend some times on me and put me in the easier level of life or maybe you could guide me how to be a better person and how to get through this level strongly. i'm weak, God. i'm weak.. i feel like i have nobody and yeah, i do have mum, dad, brothers.. but they don't get me. they don't care about me at all. i'm invisible. they do buy and gives everything i need, shelters, clothes, food and loves. but it just not enough, oh God! i'm calling your name! give me sign! give me sign! why are you doing this to me? what is your purpose? what should i do? what is your reason? what do you want me to do? i have to pretend that i'm okay in front of my mum so that she won't notice that i'm hurt. i don't want to be the one who makes her cry because i want to be the one who shed her tears. the more she hurt, the more i feel it. the more my family hurt, it hurt me twice. God, please make me stronger to face all Your test. if you can't give me clue on what your purpose is, just give me more strength so that i could get through all this and put aside all the despairs. i will continue lives this life for my parent. i only lives because of the both of them. hope you could hear my prayer.