Part One : I Won't Give Up, So God Save Us - Hollywood Undead

Hi there :)
Well, today I feel a little better. Maybe because I spend half of my day at school today. Ehei. And uh. I have tons of homework to deal with and yeah. Well, most of the time I spend it all by myself. I isolated myself from the rest of the class like busying myself to read some Dramione's fanfiction hehei :) Yeah, well. That's the only think that can occupy my head right now- by reading and then, today as well I found another thing that can help distracting myself from my feelings, which is homework. Yeah, first time in my college life, I able to finish my tutorial in class, on time. I'm like whoa~ hahaha :) I'm pretty enjoying myself though. I mean, I was only focus on my homework that time, nothing else is inside my head. With my earphone covering my hearing, everything just disappear around me. It just me and my homework. hahaha :) Well, I guess that's what make me feel okay. And I wish it would last longer though. Well, at home I'm back again to my usual self. I guess, I will never make it this time. I mean... I don't know anymore. I just don't feel any hope. Well, heh. Dare I said, I'm pretty much a very good actress you know. No one can ever guess what I'm really feeling. I laugh, I joke, I smile, I beamed, I'm excited with smallest thing. But then, deep deep down there inside me, I just want to rip myself out and I wish I'm not afraid to end this life. I wish I never care about other feeling. It just... Well, feelings. I wish I never had one of those. I wish dementor kiss me and take my soul so I can wonder around, aimlessly; feeling nothing. Just walked around mindlessly like a zombie, except that I don't eat people. Hm. Well, I guess this is life that I deserve. Maybe I've been very bad in last few years back or even my past life that I have to pay all the consequences in this life.

I'm just tired of feeling down you know. I just want to be happy, well I do. But I wish it could last longer like I used to feel. Like when I was still in primary school. I wish I never grow up. Grow up giving me too much stress. I wish I never grow up. Ever. But that's life. No matter how much I despised to grow, I'll grow up somehow. Unless I'm in Neverland, living with Peter Pan. Then, my wish come true. hehei. But that's just some fairy tale. and while everybody is having happy ending, I'm guessing that I can never have one. Well, maybe the happiest day of my life, is the day that I die- Good Charlotte wow. I even quote some lyrics eh? hahahaha =.=; It was just something random popped in my head just now. Well, think again. Maybe though. Just maybe.

Honestly. I just want to cry right now and I don't need to have some specific reason to. I mean, well. I do have reasons though. Too many reasons that I want to cry about. Too many reasons that I can't even identify which reason that make me feel like crying right now. Admittedly, I tell you. I'm very proud of younger self for surviving until today. Well, I guess because that time I still have someone to lean on, to cry on. I have sis Jaba still that time. That's make me strong. Even when the time everyone seems to against me, she choose to be on my side, even though secretly until everything okay. I still remember that time, when she was my senpai and a prefect too and we both have to stay after school due to some club I guess. And that was about when Lalan took my Diary and shows it to Ina and the rest where I wrote something about them and they all like, giving me hard time and shooting sarcasms on me. I feel like well... I'm glad that I have schools that time. I spend most of my time at school that year. If I'm not mistaken. And the best thing that ever happen to me is that when sis Jaba called up to me and ask me to follow her to the back of one building at the school, the one that facing the school field. Yep, I remember like it was just happen yesterday and she told me that she forgive me for what I did and she said that she's there for me. That time, I feel like my burdened are lifted and I stopped crying you know. Well, honestly. Before the time she called up to me, I cry every day in the shower, the only place I can pour everything without being seen. But then, I'm very thankful to know that she's on my side, despite of what I've done.

And there are sometimes around my third year, where I found about my parents were almost split up. I'm so lost, I have no one else to go and I'm just.... I don't know. Everything happen so fast for me to take up everything. I remembered one time, after we finish our recess time, (Yep, I spend my recess with sis Jaba, all the freaking time) and I ask her "Jaba, what exactly life means?" and she told me that life is something to be enjoy, enjoy every little things and don't let anything bad gets you and she left to her class, smiling at me and that time, I feel a little better and I just enjoy everyday of my life and eventually wishing for the best. Result, my parent are together until today :) I don't know if she still remember, but I won't ever forget this. Ever.

and now, we have our own life to deal with and each year, our age counts up. I feel the distance growing around us but I pretend that there's nothing change because I can't accept the fact that there are distance. I can't afford to lose her. But, again. I deserve this I guess. I mean, I left her for sometimes before because of my own unlimited stupidity and poor judgement towards people. I can't even identify the good and the bad guy and I end up believing in someone else words and left her without word, without reason. Who am I kidding? I'm the one who ask for this though. I guess, well yeah. I do hate myself even more now. I still can't forgive myself about that. I mean, why am I being so stupid? I left the one who is always be there for me, stay on my side when everyone is against me and be with the one that make my life miserable? Stupid. I deserve this I guess. People is right. Karma is justice though. I guess, I deserve this invisible bitch slap from Karma.

 I have no one else now. I lost the biggest part of me. I mean, Jaba told me lots of things, she introduce me to everything I'm doing today. Like all the best bands like Good Charlotte, Linkin Park, MCR, SWS, you named it. Even drawing and even writing stories. She's my inspirations. But then again. I made mistakes. Lalan, yes. I have her on my side, I share secrets with her but honestly said, she can never replace Jaba. No one ever can. Heh. I feel like writing something I don't know... Something lousy hehehei. But this is the truth. The distance we're making between us is slowly eating me, killing me. If I could turn back time, I would bitch slap myself in the past and tell me that I shouldn't do that. But there's no rewind in life, even we can't paused it. I wish we can but it's the fact that we have to face. Time can't be reverse. unless, I'm living with Harry Potter. kekeke :)

Then again. Why am I writing about this?

This is my reality and it hurts like... I can't say hell, I never been there. Well, it really hurtful even hurtful than when the blade contacting with my skins. It more hurtful than toothaches that I've been suffering off. It much more hurtful than being shot in the head. I want to run away from this reality if I can but I can't. I'm stuck in here. I'm all caged up. I'm stuck in my past and my presence. I can't get out. I lost the key to happiness. No matter how far I go, I always end up here.

There's more to say. And I confessed that I'm traumatize with everything that have ever happen to me. Traumatize about everybody is against me, traumatize about my parent almost-parting, traumatize I'm losing Val and Dence sometimes ago, traumatize about my brother dealing with drugs, traumatize about when sis Jon husband yelling, traumatize about being ignored, isolated, left alone, traumatized of getting those dirty untrustworthy look from everybody. Yes. I'm scared about all that stuff. I'm scared. I'm scared and I can't run. I have no where to go. I'm stuck.

I'm breathing but I'm not living
I'm smiling but I'm breaking
I'm laughing but I'm grieving
I can't keep this pain away
My past keep haunting me
I can't escape

I'm stuck in this hell of mine
I wish I can run but I can't
I'm chain in this painful reality
I can't run away from my past
I'm not brave to face my future
I'm scared of what waiting for me on the other side

I slit my wrist again
I know it won't change anything
Just to leave the scar that constantly reminds me 
Of pain I've been trying to escape
But it's like a drug
I'm addicted
It's hurt but I feel fine
Feel fine
Feel just fine
Tucking me to bed
Like a dreamless potions
I have no fear
I have no worries
Just the pain I felt on my skin

I'm breaking to pieces
shattered on the cold hard ground
Trying to look for help
Trying hard to scream out loud
But my voice stuck in my throat
I can't scream anymore
I'm lost inside my head
I can't get out
I can't get out
I can't get out
I'm stuck in here.
I'm stuck in this hell of mine.

Part Zero : My Understanding - Of Mice & Men

So, Hi :)
I'm decided to share every single thought that disturbing me lately. I noticed that everybody is slowly running away from me. Untangled themselves from me and I'm all alone in this matter.
So, I'm deciding to change my Blog URL since it's becoming more and more personal everyday, starting today. I will keep the determination to be open in this blog of mine and write everything that's bothering me.
Every time I feel like giving up, I will write my reason. Every time I'm hopeless, I'll write again and so do with the other feelings I'm having. I know I can escape if I'm determine to do this. I'm on my own now. telling people who knew me is not gonna help me. They don't understand me at all. So what's the point? at least, here I can be myself and I understand myself, my feeling and everything. So, I'm gonna do this. I will survive this and I will stop hurting myself. This is the only place I can feel free.

This is my wasteland, my only retreat. There's Heaven Above You, Hell Over Me. the water is rusty, the air is unclean, but for the second, I feel free. -Pierce The Veil-

I'm Stuck In My Own Hell.

Hi there :)
I'm sorry for not keeping my promises. Kukuku well, that's me. I'm a very not good at keeping promises. I always blown it off you know. Just typical me, which I'm very much despised about myself other than my never-going-to-reduce-weight. Heh. Well, um... There's a lot of stuff swirling inside my head right now and I'm pretty much very distracted and I'm trying to deal with it. So, here I am. Pouring every shit out, throwing tantrum at my innocent Mr. Bloggy. My blog so not deserved this but this is my only escape, apart from drowning myself into some fanfiction about Dramione and some random music, well mostly Alternative and Rock music, of course. Anime? I've been stopping quite a while now and I really do love anime but I just can't find any good reason to start watching it again. I'm just here... like, staring at all the Anime CD boxes and just shrugged it off. Even I abandoned my True Blood, which I'm just starting at the end of last month. Well... That's because I thought I'm already fine. Completely fine. No more hurting, no more attempt to hurt myself, no more this, no more that. In which I'm very wrong.

Like I've wrote in this blog like few weeks back, maybe last month i think. Which I wrote before I start involving this crazy attitude of mine, I've read somewhere over the internet and it would help me stopping from keeping to hurt myself on purpose which is telling and sharing someone that I can trust that can keep my secret with their life. Not necessary whether he/she is very closed to me or not, just tell. They said. Well, I did and I choose to tell Lalan. I poured everything out about what started me and what triggers me. Everything and I meant it. Well, I'm sure you know what make me doing it. So, I'll just briefly what's make me so unafraid to keep on hurting myself, without hesitancy.
So, here goes nothing.

First of all. I was just feeling hate for myself. I just don't know what to do, I just really-really hate myself. I hate everything about myself. My voice, my face, my body, my weight, my legs, my arms. my personality, briefly said, myself. I just couldn't stand myself you see. I don't know. I hate the fact that I have this fake teeth on me which I really wish I have the real one. I hate the fact that I have big round eyes but it just contaminated by some kind of skin diseases and I hate my legs for having those forever-will-not-disappear scars which I have since childhood. I mean. LOOK AT ME! I'm hideous creature. Some fake shit that roaming together with the rest of the world, trying to fit it when I know it myself I will never can fit it. Once people know about the real thing about me, they'll running away like I'm some kind of contagious diseases. Seriously. Or even, I'll surely be their main jokes product which they would laughed at me. heh. I know. I hate it how my eyebrows keep growing thick every day and how hard it was to keep it in shape. I hate it how my legs hair keep growing and if I miss a day not shaving my leg, it would turn into some muscular man legs. I mean it. Seriously. I just hate it. I even hate the reflection in the mirror every time I wear my short pants. I hate it. It was the reason I stopped wearing skirts. When everybody around me look so pretty, so beautiful, so perfect in everything they wearing, no matter they are thick or thin in shape, they all look so perfect in their clothes. me? I look as much hideous as the wicked witch of the west or even more hideous than anything in the world. I'm fat and my body have curve that isn't on the right place. I have flat chest and big ass. Like everybody keep reminds me about it. I pretend it doesn't hurt me anymore but all I did was lying to myself. I'm still really hurting by those silly thing you see. I know they all have that good body, thin, have curve in the right place, thick but have pretty faces. When I'm just having everything that isn't right. I mean, I'm not even pretty, my body isn't curvy, I'm fat, I'm tall but what's the point when I'm having a men-like legs? It just useless. Even if I went undergo some plastic surgery, I won't be able to be pretty. I just. I'm just hideous me. Sometimes, I feel isolated when I'm with them that I feel like I have no rights to show myself to be in the same room with the rest of them. I mean, who am I to be in the same room with pretty and beautiful people? They all have everything that I'm not. I have fake teeth, remember? and they all have perfect white teeth which originally is theirs. I have some bushy, unorganized hairs where theirs, their hair fall perfectly on the right place. Their eyes shines brightly while mine dimmed like it almost lost it lights.I mean... I'm not belong with them. Plus. All the things they said, or just some of them said it. It's remain in my head. It's forever played, repeatedly in my head. It's like a curse to me.They may think it as a joke, but i guess I'm a joke after all.

And then. There is something about sis Jaba and I. But I'm not blaming her for this since I, myself can do something to avoid it from happen though but I guess, I'm just tired. You see. After all this time, I was always seek for her whenever I have something to say or even when I'm not, I eventually look for her, via message or chatting or inbox in tumblr. But then, I suddenly feel like I'm the only one who's making an effort in this. I mean, after my grandpa dies, they eventually stopped coming to visits, unless was told for. Everything change and this... I tell you. This take the biggest part of me. I mean, I've grow up to have her by my side, and I can even say that we grew up together. I mean, well duh. We're siblings afterall. But in between me and other siblings, hell I could say, that she's the closest to me. I can't even get mad at her or even hate her. which this has make it much more worst. I wish I could hate her, angry or even screamed at her how she make me feel so isolated, so alone, god. I sound so desperate but seriously. When she doesn't even care to contact me first even for once, I feel like I'm losing my real best friend. Yep. She is my best friend, my sister, my partner in crime. Dare I say, she is on top of the list of the most important person in the world for me. I would jump towards herd of zombies if just to save her asses.

But then, when I thought of testing if I didn't look for her first, maybe she would look for me and ask me why I didn't. But I was wrong. If I didn't look for her for week, she didn't even bother to do anything. Even sometimes, when I text her, she didn't even text me back like we used to. Everything change, the older we get, the further the distance I feel between us. It much more hurtful to lose your first and last best friend. i don't know if I really lose her or I'm just thinking negatively because it what I do best for sometimes now. I mean, I don't ask much from her. Just start a conversation for once. I mean, hell. It's really hard for me to start a conversation too you know. I'm just as much awkward as she is but I'm making an effort to do so because I can't afford of losing this chain. I mean, well.. like I said. Maybe I'm the one who is changing though. I mean, well.... I'm not sure what I should say here. Let just stick to that I'm the one who is changing and at fault here. Like there someone would care though. Well, maybe I'm being selfish here though. I mean, I'm aware that she have her mind occupied with some disturbing stuff like I do too and maybe it could be much worst to cope than mine. I mean, I never ask. Well, I didn't ask because I wish to wait for her to open up to me by her own will. i know she have her own problem. So, I guess I'm just being selfish. Well, it's not possible somehow.

And then... There's mom. Well, I guess it is my first time saying this about mom though. I know that she's not the best mom in the world or even the worst. I'm glad that I have her to call as my mom. Well, she always give me everything I ever wanted. Mostly, materialistically of course. She granted all the material stuff I'm asking. Anything. I mean it. But there is only thing that she failed to give. Trust. She never trust me in everything I do. She never trust me to keep my room clean, she always even criticize how I tidy my room and how messy it is even after I've done hours of cleaning and arranging stuff like I desired. She never trust me enough to go alone to the mall, that she expect me to go with some of my siblings, either Jon or Lalan, or Jaba or Inut or Ina. Whenever I said I want to go alone, she would give me permission but with this one dirty untrustworthy look drawn all over her face like she really never want me to go alone. I mean, I'm going to the shopping mall to buy me something that I need, something that can keep my head occupied. It's not like I'm going to some pub or going to hang out with some bitches and drank heineken until I drunk until half-dead. No. She should be grateful that I'm not that kind. I'm just going to shopping mall to buy myself some new books, or even anime or now cd albums and even movies. Then I would locked myself in the room for the whole day watching all of it. I'm in my room for the entire year, why? She should given me a little trust. You know. Well, maybe she think that by not calling me every half an hours is giving me trust. No. It's not what trust is. I know she might be concern about me but what i'm not going to be young forever. I will be needed to go far if I want to spread my wings and become successful like she wants me to be. But if she keep on giving me this... look. I don't know, but if she keep on doing this, I can't guarantee I can. I may will cling to her and dad for the rest of my life you know and i know they will not like it.

And you see. I was given a chance to go travelling to Singapore by sis Chyi which is next week, on 12th of June, for the whole week and at first, when Chyi asked her whether I can go or not, she said, it's up to me. Then of course I said yes. It was my once in a life time chance. I mean, if I waited for her and dad to bring me, hell. I guess I will never going out from Miri. I know. I've been there, with some shitty promised where they promised to bring me to KL once, I don't remember anymore. I decided not to actually and I was all giddy up about the trip and they cancelled it last minute. I'm like, I knew it though. They never will I guess. They all to busy with my brother. Their precious. Not me. All they want me to do is study, study and study until there is nothing else to learn. Back to business. Well, I'm taking the opportunity to go together with sis lalan and Chyi and her family without thinking twice since I thought it was the best way for me to keep my mind away from getting all craze-up on hurting myself since I've promised sis Lalan for the second time now but then, well... then... I broke the promised again. Well, it because that just now, when we were at my Uncle Spone house, after everyone about to leave, mom suddenly ask me about the trip and when we're going to leave. So i've told her that we'll be leaving at 12th until 15th of June but then since the ticket SG to MYY, already sold out on 15th, lalan and I would going home at 16th, then she suddenly went riled  up by telling me like.. I don't know.... like she said that I can't take care of myself. that I'm not capable to. I mean, it's not like I'm alone though. I have Lalan. Well, I know it risky and everything. And it's not like I can change the fact that the ticket on 15th is all sold out. It's not like i'm the one who wish to stay longer. No. if it up to me, I would love to go home at 15th myself. I mean, I don't own the airplane and I don't work for Air Asia. I can't be like, "Hello, AirAsia, can you please give me ticket from SG to MYY even if it sold out? I don't care because I want to go home that time," can I? NO! I have no power in that. and then, come mak Ulit and she said the same thing and even worst, she said that I could have waited for apak Ulit to start working there in the nearest future. I mean. GOD! HOW IN HELL I KNOW HE"S GOING TO WORK THERE?! they don't even ever told me about it. If she told me earlier, maybe I have change my mind. I mean. Why? they all make me feel so guilty and I don't know now if I should go. I mean, with what mom has said and how she look at me before.I guess, I'll just cancelled the trip and let Lalan go alone though. She deserved the trip, she even already packing her stuff as well. hehei, that girl. Always being excited with everything. Mine? I guess, maybe I'll just let my ticket burn. but if If I don't go, then, Lalan will have to stay one night alone in Singapore. hm... Well, I don't know. I just don't know. So, yeah. to relieve my confusion, my anger and everything I felt before this, I... you know what I do. You can guess somehow. I'm not gonna say it. It shameful but it's the best way.

And now, I feel like no one ever care about how I feel. They all just wanted me to be there for them and do they ever care to ask if I'm alright? that I'm all fine? No. except for Lalan. Well, once. But that's enough to make me feel that someone does care about me. But now, I don't know if there is anyone still care. I guess everybody just flew away from me. Especially after they saw my scarred wrist, they eventually leave. They don't even dare to look me in the eye anymore. Well, one thing I know for sure that sis Inut is the one who have told their parent about my brother and after I've told her and she told me that she' sorry, she don't even look me in the eye anymore and well... I guess she feel guilty though. It's not like its her fault at all. I don't blame her even for a single bit. Well, I mad at her for some times before, for telling but it didn't last long. It's not her entire fault. It's mine. I should have keep it to myself earlier on. No matter how far we go twisting the stories about who to blame, it always going back, pointing at me. So, yeah. I don't blame her at all. She have the rights to tell. and then, sis Jaba, after she saw and ask me about the scar, I don't know. But I know that she's trying to get me and she even... well, like usual. She can make me laugh and feel great even for a while but then again, she's like keeping distance. I can feel there are distance. Maybe she's scared or maybe she despised the scars that I'm having here. And peoples... Well, the rest.... I didn't tell them what happen, but they all have seen it and I've lied that it because I fall. they believed me. didn't they? Well i guess they did. that's the good thing though. There already enough people knowing the truth, including this blog.

But the only thing that I'm really proud of myself is that, I'm still keeping faith, even though it is small but I keep faith to God. I want to keep believing that He is there to watch over me when everyone seems to against me. I want to keep believing in Him and I believe that He loves me, when there is no one else did that. I believe that everything happen for a reason and I'm sure He have best reason to let this things happens to me. I'm sure of it.

So, I guess. I'm pretty tired right now. I still have loads to tell but yeah, I need a rest. I have class tomorrow and for sure, I'm going to wake up early since I have tons of homework to deal with. So yeah :)
Bye bye for now :)
Till I write again :)
Here's my latest selca. hehehe :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)