Hi there :)
Well, today I feel a little better. Maybe because I spend half of my day at school today. Ehei. And uh. I have tons of homework to deal with and yeah. Well, most of the time I spend it all by myself. I isolated myself from the rest of the class like busying myself to read some Dramione's fanfiction hehei :) Yeah, well. That's the only think that can occupy my head right now- by reading and then, today as well I found another thing that can help distracting myself from my feelings, which is homework. Yeah, first time in my college life, I able to finish my tutorial in class, on time. I'm like whoa~ hahaha :) I'm pretty enjoying myself though. I mean, I was only focus on my homework that time, nothing else is inside my head. With my earphone covering my hearing, everything just disappear around me. It just me and my homework. hahaha :) Well, I guess that's what make me feel okay. And I wish it would last longer though. Well, at home I'm back again to my usual self. I guess, I will never make it this time. I mean... I don't know anymore. I just don't feel any hope. Well, heh. Dare I said, I'm pretty much a very good actress you know. No one can ever guess what I'm really feeling. I laugh, I joke, I smile, I beamed, I'm excited with smallest thing. But then, deep deep down there inside me, I just want to rip myself out and I wish I'm not afraid to end this life. I wish I never care about other feeling. It just... Well, feelings. I wish I never had one of those. I wish dementor kiss me and take my soul so I can wonder around, aimlessly; feeling nothing. Just walked around mindlessly like a zombie, except that I don't eat people. Hm. Well, I guess this is life that I deserve. Maybe I've been very bad in last few years back or even my past life that I have to pay all the consequences in this life.
I'm just tired of feeling down you know. I just want to be happy, well I do. But I wish it could last longer like I used to feel. Like when I was still in primary school. I wish I never grow up. Grow up giving me too much stress. I wish I never grow up. Ever. But that's life. No matter how much I despised to grow, I'll grow up somehow. Unless I'm in Neverland, living with Peter Pan. Then, my wish come true. hehei. But that's just some fairy tale. and while everybody is having happy ending, I'm guessing that I can never have one. Well, maybe the happiest day of my life, is the day that I die- Good Charlotte wow. I even quote some lyrics eh? hahahaha =.=; It was just something random popped in my head just now. Well, think again. Maybe though. Just maybe.
Honestly. I just want to cry right now and I don't need to have some specific reason to. I mean, well. I do have reasons though. Too many reasons that I want to cry about. Too many reasons that I can't even identify which reason that make me feel like crying right now. Admittedly, I tell you. I'm very proud of younger self for surviving until today. Well, I guess because that time I still have someone to lean on, to cry on. I have sis Jaba still that time. That's make me strong. Even when the time everyone seems to against me, she choose to be on my side, even though secretly until everything okay. I still remember that time, when she was my senpai and a prefect too and we both have to stay after school due to some club I guess. And that was about when Lalan took my Diary and shows it to Ina and the rest where I wrote something about them and they all like, giving me hard time and shooting sarcasms on me. I feel like well... I'm glad that I have schools that time. I spend most of my time at school that year. If I'm not mistaken. And the best thing that ever happen to me is that when sis Jaba called up to me and ask me to follow her to the back of one building at the school, the one that facing the school field. Yep, I remember like it was just happen yesterday and she told me that she forgive me for what I did and she said that she's there for me. That time, I feel like my burdened are lifted and I stopped crying you know. Well, honestly. Before the time she called up to me, I cry every day in the shower, the only place I can pour everything without being seen. But then, I'm very thankful to know that she's on my side, despite of what I've done.
And there are sometimes around my third year, where I found about my parents were almost split up. I'm so lost, I have no one else to go and I'm just.... I don't know. Everything happen so fast for me to take up everything. I remembered one time, after we finish our recess time, (Yep, I spend my recess with sis Jaba, all the freaking time) and I ask her "Jaba, what exactly life means?" and she told me that life is something to be enjoy, enjoy every little things and don't let anything bad gets you and she left to her class, smiling at me and that time, I feel a little better and I just enjoy everyday of my life and eventually wishing for the best. Result, my parent are together until today :) I don't know if she still remember, but I won't ever forget this. Ever.
and now, we have our own life to deal with and each year, our age counts up. I feel the distance growing around us but I pretend that there's nothing change because I can't accept the fact that there are distance. I can't afford to lose her. But, again. I deserve this I guess. I mean, I left her for sometimes before because of my own unlimited stupidity and poor judgement towards people. I can't even identify the good and the bad guy and I end up believing in someone else words and left her without word, without reason. Who am I kidding? I'm the one who ask for this though. I guess, well yeah. I do hate myself even more now. I still can't forgive myself about that. I mean, why am I being so stupid? I left the one who is always be there for me, stay on my side when everyone is against me and be with the one that make my life miserable? Stupid. I deserve this I guess. People is right. Karma is justice though. I guess, I deserve this invisible bitch slap from Karma.
I have no one else now. I lost the biggest part of me. I mean, Jaba told me lots of things, she introduce me to everything I'm doing today. Like all the best bands like Good Charlotte, Linkin Park, MCR, SWS, you named it. Even drawing and even writing stories. She's my inspirations. But then again. I made mistakes. Lalan, yes. I have her on my side, I share secrets with her but honestly said, she can never replace Jaba. No one ever can. Heh. I feel like writing something I don't know... Something lousy hehehei. But this is the truth. The distance we're making between us is slowly eating me, killing me. If I could turn back time, I would bitch slap myself in the past and tell me that I shouldn't do that. But there's no rewind in life, even we can't paused it. I wish we can but it's the fact that we have to face. Time can't be reverse. unless, I'm living with Harry Potter. kekeke :)
Then again. Why am I writing about this?
This is my reality and it hurts like... I can't say hell, I never been there. Well, it really hurtful even hurtful than when the blade contacting with my skins. It more hurtful than toothaches that I've been suffering off. It much more hurtful than being shot in the head. I want to run away from this reality if I can but I can't. I'm stuck in here. I'm all caged up. I'm stuck in my past and my presence. I can't get out. I lost the key to happiness. No matter how far I go, I always end up here.
There's more to say. And I confessed that I'm traumatize with everything that have ever happen to me. Traumatize about everybody is against me, traumatize about my parent almost-parting, traumatize I'm losing Val and Dence sometimes ago, traumatize about my brother dealing with drugs, traumatize about when sis Jon husband yelling, traumatize about being ignored, isolated, left alone, traumatized of getting those dirty untrustworthy look from everybody. Yes. I'm scared about all that stuff. I'm scared. I'm scared and I can't run. I have no where to go. I'm stuck.
I'm breathing but I'm not living
I'm smiling but I'm breaking
I'm laughing but I'm grieving
I can't keep this pain away
My past keep haunting me
I can't escape
I'm stuck in this hell of mine
I wish I can run but I can't
I'm chain in this painful reality
I can't run away from my past
I'm not brave to face my future
I'm scared of what waiting for me on the other side
I slit my wrist again
I know it won't change anything
Just to leave the scar that constantly reminds me
Of pain I've been trying to escape
But it's like a drug
It's hurt but I feel fine
Feel just fine
Tucking me to bed
Like a dreamless potions
I have no fear
I have no worries
Just the pain I felt on my skin
I'm breaking to pieces
shattered on the cold hard ground
Trying to look for help
Trying hard to scream out loud
But my voice stuck in my throat
I can't scream anymore
I'm lost inside my head
I can't get out
I can't get out
I can't get out
I'm stuck in here.
I'm stuck in this hell of mine.