I'm A Complete Mess.

Hey, there :)
I'm back again. ehehehehe I was actually decided to do my homework but then again, my head is in mess right now and well, maybe I'll force myself doing it sometimes later since tomorrow I'm gonna go..... SHOPPING~ kekeke well, not really me actually, I'm just tagging along with sis Jonny and Lalan kekeke :3 Um... Maybe I'll go to Starbuck tomorrow. I've been craving for Cappucino with Vanilla since forever, due to my unwell situation kekeke I really need that drink and I hope it's gonna heal my sickness as well though. I'm tired of coughing and sneezing, gah! so frustrating. Now my body temperature is like up and down like a roller coaster and i'm having toothache. wuwuwuwu i'm so fucked up hahahaha but well, it's not that hurt though. I'm just having the feeling of nagging, that's all :)  and.... well, tomorrow is 20th of May which is my precious baby princess's first birthday~ yeahh, baby :) it's gonna be Rania's first birthday party and as a proud aunt, I'm gonna party hard for my princess. kekeke XD

I'm gonna find her new Minnie Mouse doll tomorrow kekeke :D and speaking of Rania, I'm glad that she come to my life. I mean, every time I feel down and feel like I have no more reason to keep going in life, her cute face always come to my mind with her pair of brownish innocent eyes looking at me, her cute laughter rang in my ears, full or innocence, pureness, happiness.... it just pure, enlightened me. She really saved me from my misery. Every time I looked at her smiling picture, or pouting, I would automatically drawn a smile on my face too and I feel so free and it just happiness that I felt inside me. No worries, no stress, no guilt, no sadness, just pure happiness and love. I guess, it's true that people said that babies are like angels that come to our life and enlightened us with happiness.Well, at least it's true for me though. hehehe :) So, honestly said. I love Rania more than I love myself. I thanked her mom for giving birth to this precious baby angel. Thank you for bringing her to be part of the family. I don't know if I can hold on if it not wasn't for her :)

And well... umm.... how to say this... Um.... well, I uh... wanted to say sorry that I lied about stopping self-harming the other day. Well, I've been starting to do it again. I did stop but its just temporarily. I thought I wouldn't started again but then, when I do this, I feel better for couple of days you know. I've doing it last 3 days ago when my brain going crazy, reminiscing back all the best memories that kills me. Yes, it's my favorite memories that trigger me. I'm just... I don't know... I don't know how to cope with the fucked up feelings it just too freaking hurtful. So... umm.. I did it again and well, I'm feeling better quite better now. Well, right now I'm having a feeling of the hurtful memories flowing back inside me again and I don't know if I can cope with this later. I hope I won't choose to scratch eh. hehehe :) Just hopefully. I mean, I wish I can stop myself from doing this. Not on my precious Nia's birthday. I mean, there will be numbers of people who came to the party later on and I don't want anyone to see fresh scratches on my skin. I can't, it would bring questions and I don't want to be questions about it. Seriously.

And this time, I didn't mention it to Lalan. I still pretending that I'm stopping already. Well, not sure if she suspecting anything though but I hope not. Just let her think that I'm stopping. I'm through telling her, I  mean, she has her own problems though. I don't want to burden anyone anymore and as for sis Jon... I think she's suspecting something that she seems to be much more caring lately. I mean, last time she was checking my phone and looking at my pictures and I forgot to delete one of the picture of my scars and I guess she must had seen it but well, I hope she'll think that just some pranks. hahaha since yeah, I always pranks her with something like that like last time, I remembered I poured my blood coloured nail paint on my whole hands and send it to her and she's like "Oh god, What happen to you?!" hahahahaha XD it's the best prank I've done so far. kekeke XD
And Umm... I'm thinking or changing my blog URL again since I feel like everything I wrote here is getting more personal. I'll change it one day but not today lah, since my head is pretty messed up right now hahahaha *cough* I'm not really laughing though. hahahaha XD And back to this again...

today I feel so tired like so freaking tired to move my body and my head. I end up sleeping like a rhino and wake up when Lalan and Shawn burst into my room and wake me up for dinner. but still, until now I feel really really tired. Maybe I'm tired because today I got class in the morning or I'm just tired because I'm a mess. I a Mess. Yes, that's definitely what define me right now. I'm a complete mess. I can't find some good reason to smile or laughing out loud like I used too. It just too rare now and I kinda miss it sometimes. I miss all the good times I used to have and when people said I laughed like a banshee. hehehe:) but then, I have not laughing like that since. Um... I don't know... I don't remember kekeke :3
My.... I feel like I'm no longer the me who used to look damn happy like before. But then, I'm glad that I'm such a good liar, everyone seems to buying it even my mom. I mean, they didn't even give a shit about me. Mom only cares about my brother, scare that he's gonna involve with shit stuff again, getting along with bad peeps like he used too, afraid that he's gonna turn bad again. I guess she's too busy worrying about him and has no time to worry about me. All she care about is the money I've spent before like blaming me for wasting money for unnecessary stuff like comics, figurine and stuff... like what? I mean, at least I didn't buy drugs with it. I'm spending the money to buy stuff that make me happy, what. It may look trashy for her but it's important to me. Does she ever care? Neah, she care for only my bro. But then again, it's make sense that she cared more about him though since you know, he always get in trouble for choosing the wrong path in life. I hope for the best for him though :)
But I'm glad that she's giving me less attention though hehehe :) at least I have my alone time more without anyone sticking their nose into my business. I kinda find that annoying lately. I just want to be alone but at the same time I need someone to be with me. That's when I feel damn grateful to have Lalan here with me. We don't talk, we do our own stuff, minding own business... and yep, I'm glad for her to be here though. If she wasn't here, I won't be afraid to pick up the razor and scratch le skin in the room as well, other than the toilet. hahahaha welp, I guess my skin gonna get ugly faster than it is now. I'm just glad. I guess, the Lord is giving me chance to recover that he provides me with someone like Lalan, precious person like Rania, big sister like sis Jon. I don't know how I'll end up if not because of this people. But if one day, they all leaving me behind, I think the best choice I had is ending this life. I mean, no one will care about me anymore if they leave. I have no one else other than them. Mom? she's there but I never feel like she's really there. I feel distance. But that's just one of the reason I'm doing this though. kekeke but of course, I won't ending my life, it just some crappy talks okay? I'm still have the heart of taking a great care about those I'm gonna hurt if I'm gone, even if they don't actually care about me. hehehei... I'm too selfless I guess. huehuehue XD

But then again, it's not something to be worry about though since I'm only scratching not cutting until bleeding to death. Nope. I'm fine. I tell you. hahahaha that's completely fine. So yeah :DD relax~~

Well, I guess I better go now and start to get done with my homework. kekeke if I want to do it. I guess I just want to lie down right now and pretend to be asleep. I can't sleep since I just have a cup of coffee just now. kekeke XD maybe I'm gonna sleep as well since my eyelids is freaking heavy right now and my back is aching. I seriously need to lie down :) So, yeah.... Just a friendly reminder that, don't worry about me though. I'm seriously fine. Like seriously. Nothing to worry about since it is none of your concern. It just my head messing up with me. so yeah :)

Screaming for help
But no one seems to care
I cried every night in my sleeps
Praying for someone to notice
How fucked up I have been

I'm a mess
I'm a mess
But no one seems to care

I try to reach for help
But everybody is running away
I give them clues
But they don't bothered to do anything

I'm a mess
I'm a mess
But no one seems to care

I'm all alone now
I have no one else
But this razor in my hand

They say they care
But I never feel it
They say they love me
But never show it to me
They say they never gonna leave me
But at last, they would leave
Why bother telling lies?
When I'm already in a mess?

I'm a mess,
I'm a mess
But no one seems to care

I don't need lies
I don't need empty promises
to make me feel better

I'm so fucked up already
All I need is a hug
A sincere hug

Can anyone hear me?

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)