Part Eight: It's Hurt So Much.

Hi~ hi~
I'm here again. hehehe :3 today is my first day of holiday wohoo! and next semester is going to be serious time so I guess I better get myself ready kekeke :3 anyway, today nothing much happen. I'm just feeling down and I'm not sure why. Well, I do know why for the half of my sadness. I mean, of course it was because of the face that I keep on seeing pasted on my mom paled face. Well, she looked pretty stress lately and it's all because of the stupid brother of mine. He's really fucked with our life. I'm just sick and tired about everything that happen lately and its seems like it's going to last forever like this. I'm so stress out but I... I can't actually show that everything that happen have effect me this much. I mean, I just don't want my mom to worry you see. I want her to look up at me and when she see that I'm looking okay and stuff, I want her to be strong for me.

I just don't know anymore. Everything just fucked up. HE keeps on asking few hundred twice a day like the money never finish. Like we can generate our own money. Don't he ever think about dad who had to work for years and only going home for like 2 weeks if he lucky enough. and now, do he ever know that's dad is sick and not many ships would want to take him to work since he's now already reaching 60 years of age? and I'm  still so far away from able to support this family. I'm so stress you know.

And and whenever my dad call, he keeps telling me not to worry about the money and just keep focus on my study like nothing happen. I mean, how am I possibly pretending that everything is fine? the fucker keep on using the money and he tell me not to worry? Of course I'm worried. Well, I'm not worry if I able to further my study or what-so-ever but it just that... it seems you know....he's working so damn hard for me and to support the family but the fucker ruins everything and

now i can't help but to think that I'm being a burden to them. I mean, both of my parents. If I weren't here, like never even exist or born, they would have more money and they won't be that worried even if the fucking brother of mine is involving with this shit since they don't have to worry about spending money for my college and stuff. If I weren't here, it would be better since I'm just a burden. I know this is wrong and I'm sorry but I can't help it but to think like this.

Plus, I'm useless. I can't even make things right, I can't even help them dealing with this. I'm just here, burdening them. I don't deserve such a parent like them. They're being to good for me and I'm honestly grateful to have them as a parent. I'm grateful that they picked me and adopt me of all my other siblings. I'm more that grateful. But I'm nothing but a burden to them. I don't know how I'm going to help them and all I'm doing is spending their money like I own them. I'm so useless like shit.
They deserve a better daughter. I'm not a good daughter. I'm just their another burden. I'm really really sorry. I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish I could disappear. Maybe things would be different for them.

And honestly. I really can't stand how my brother act towards my mom. He just being so rude towards her and it just making me hating him more. He just keep on blaming things on her even if it was his own fault. He shove all the blame on her. He's so fucked up. I wish he die for real. I'm not even sorry for wishing this. I may be crying if he die but not for long. I'm just tired.

Everyday, I have to look at my mom crying face and how worried and stressful she's been. How she try to look okay in front of me when I clearly know that she's crumbled inside. I had to admit that I really respect my mom for being strong like this. She never show any sign of giving up at all. Maybe she broke down to tears behind me and I'm sure of it but I really admired her for not giving a sign of sadness when we're having family gathering. Even sometimes, I feel like crying you know. Because, you see. I understand how she's feeling, well maybe not wholly but I do. It hurts me so much that I feel numb.

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. everything seems to fucked up a lot, and even worsen. It seems like bad things keep on happening in our life. Sometimes, I wish that for just one cycle, my parent life were free from stress and shit. They've been through so much in life. just for once, I want to see them smiling again. It's fuzzy in my head on how they used to smile. I can't even remember the last time I saw them smiling or laughing. I just want them to be happy.

And I myself still fucked up. I still cuts myself and I'm not strong enough to stop from doing it. I'm sorry, I really do want to stop but with all this pain I try to hide so much and it's been slowly devouring me. I'm not strong. I really wish I can open up to someone like I did to this blog but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to bother anyone with my problems. I'm done being a burden to everyone. I mean, everybody has their problems so why should I burden them with mine? I know I can handled this. I know, even if I'm not strong enough to handle this, I'm going to stay and fight. I want to know the reason why am I destined to be the daughter of my parents. Am I really just a useless shit? or am I not?
One thing for sure, I'm going to do whatever they want even if I had to throw aside all my dreams and wants. I just want them to be happy. Then I shall do it for them and its the last things I can do.

It's hard for me to faking my smiles in front of the others but I had too. I don't want other people to take pity on me or worried about me. And even sis Jaba didn't know. I've decided to stop telling her anything that's bothering me. She have the rights to be happy like now. I prefer to see her smiling and excited to write another chapter of her story. It's really make me feel at ease sometimes. She doesn't have to know about how fucked up I am. I've been hurting her so bad in the past so I'm through hurting her.
I really thanking the chat apps you see. Since it enable us to hide our true emotion from our chat partner. We can type 'I'm so happy' even when actually we're breaking down and crying like there's no tomorrow. heh. Oh well, technology is great :)

I may not stopping from cutting but I won't commit suicide because I want to be there for my mom and dad. I want to pay all the deeds and support their life like they've done to mine. So, nothing to worry. I'll be just fine till the end.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)