Greetings, humanoid :)
Yes~ that cutie can light up my world you see. She meant the world to me. Well, not just her, there also Shawn my little nemesis. ehehe :D but since she's now reaching 1 years old, she doesn't really like to play with me anymore like we use too it's kind of hurting me a bit:( ahahaha but yeah, I forced her to play with me though. SHE MUST PLAY WITH MAMA NGENG~ hahahaha XD
Anyway, today I have my accounting test and TETT~ I die in action. hahahaha I seriously don't know what the fuck is written on the questions. I mean, everything look so alien to me. hahahaha well. I did some of it but I don't know if I did correctly and both questions, I ended up with emoticons (O.O and T^T) ahahahaha oh well, seriously. I don't think I can make it. oh well, whatever. what past is past. kekeke XD
Uh.... My life has nothing interesting going on. I'm still the same reserved person as usual and now I'm more of locking myself away from the crowds and drowned in my own fantasy, listening to musics and even instagramming, I'm no longer fond with that shit anymore. hahaha :) Well, I don't know. Nothing excites me you see. I just... hmm... Oh well, I'll just keep looking ahahaha oh ya! I lied about that. Actually in this few days, I'm more of watching movies. I always spend time to watch some random movies. hahahaha yeah I have bunch of unwatched movies in my locker and I think I'm going to watch some... maybe later or maybe next week. I need to deal with my HR assignments and tutorials first though. Plus, I'm currently worried about my Finance Group Assignment. I think my group members doesn't even move their asses out on dealing with it. Well, I don't either because hell I don't know anything about it. ahahaha XD seriously. But for now, I'm gonna deal with HR first. Easy work first la ehehei~
And... uh what else? Um..... Right. Uh.... In this few days, I've been thinking that maybe everything that happens to me like the paranoia, depressions, negative thoughts, insecurities... all that happens to me because of me. I mean like, maybe it just all me that made that all out and thought negatively about people around me. I don't know why but I feel like it was just me though. It all come from my scumbag brains and it keep telling me to try to fit in with the other kids. Seriously, brains? you think it fucking easy to do that? People only looking for me when they need something, I can't afford that anymore okay? I just... come on. I'm not a slave and I'm not that really want to fit in. I mean, I NEVER CAN FIT IN with those pretty, confident, and smartass boys and girls. I'm just me.
Yep. Seriously. My brain keep telling me this and its really killing me slowly from the inside. I'm confused. I even sometimes found myself mingling with those classmates of mine even when my other self say no. I... I guess that I'm really are stupid. A stupid one who wants to fit in even when she knew she never can. ahaha Pathetic.
Ahh~~ I just hate myself. ahahaha Oh well.... and last time, when I was on tumblr, I saw this post from one of those I followed on my dashboard. She posted that she was telling everyone that she's fat and she doesn't even have that thigh gap and her stomach is big. she also said that her weight it 93lbs (45 something Kg) unlike before which is on 70 something. And then I'm like, seriously? If she have my weight, she's definitely going to kill herself. I'm 67.8 kg, I have this big butt that I always hate so much but I pretend that I love it with all my heart, I have no thigh gap that sometime I feel like puking whenever I wore that tight jeans or shorts. It just make me fat even more. I feel like hiding wholeself under the blanket all the time. And then plus, I have this weird body shape I mean come on! she's beautiful enough okay? why don't she feel grateful with what she got? i just don't understand people. Tell me I'm just some ignorant bitch but its true. I mean, her post make me hating myself. Make me feel fat, make me feel ugly and make me want to jump to the abyss and never come back to the surface anymore. I mean, *sighs*
I just hate my body even more than she does and I never tell anyone about it because I don't want other people to hate theirs. That post seriously strike me straight to the heart. hahaha XD seriously. I feel like being shot with revolver or something. XD
Well... There is one more thing that really bothering me lately. I'm very confuse with people around me. I mean, I keep on getting some confusing shit from these people. One say something and the other say the opposite about the same topic. I mean. seriously. I'm just tired. They confused me with all this shit that I sometimes feel like I never want to be home. I'm confuse like hell and i don't know who's story should I believe. The facts that they only have the same thing to say about is other people. I mean, why should they say bad thing about people? people are free to visit to my home its not like these people coming to THEIR house. I mean, why? why are they talking bad about others like they are all so fucking perfect and stuff. and then, when they're with me, any one of them, they would talk bad about each other, calling each others names. I mean, seriously. I'm tired of all that shit. Can we just have some random conversation about natures maybe? Stop talking shit about other people behinds their back. I'm tired. and i really wish they could stop poisoning my head with the untruth. I'm tired. why can't they just let me think about it myself? let me observe it and see it with my very own two fucking eyes?
I have no problem with people coming to my house, then why that so bothering them anyway? Seriously. I really wants to cry right now but as usual my tears won't fall and it's freaking hurting me right now. Especially when they talk bad and described like how bad my favorite people are actually. I mean come on. Its not like their also that perfect. God. hmm.... It just... I'm tired of all that bullshit you see. all that I keep on listening to is bullshit. Yes, my life is full of bullshit now. I'm turning into a bullshit myself. and when I thought about this, I guess that they would talk shit about me too when they are together eh? I mean, pshhhh..... look how they talk about other people? how they talk about them, that's how they would talk about me right? it's fact. It's a fucking facts.
I'm just tired of all the bullshit.
I need to escape from this hell.
I need to escape
I want to escape
I wish to escape
Before I'm going crazy,
just kidding :D
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Your Tears :)