Greetings, humans~ I've been in MIA since forever I guess hohoho that's because I'm not very motivated to update. I do want to update since there are bunch of stuff I wanna share but still, i'm very stressed out with y assignments, tutorials and even my teammates gah! everything just going to make my head explode until I feel like want to do nothing, including, self-cutting you know. hahaha I guess I'm too freaking stressed to think about anything. All I do all day is sit in front of my lappy and watch anime from morning until next morning hohohoho. Demo, I'm going to be doom soon since my holiday only 3 days left so... I haven't done a shit including my assignments and presentation slide. I'm fucked up right now. I wish I could cry but I couldn't since it's not that bad. hahaha plus, my team members really have no team work at all and I'm so fucked up this semester. I wish I could be my own group you know. Maybe I could finish it half semester ago. Gosh >.< but I was thinking to start everything tonight... ummm not tonight... but maybe sometimes around tomorrow. hohohoh I need to get some shit done though haaaaaa! I wish I have somebody to motivate me doing my homework.
sometimes I wish my figurine can talk you know. it's freaking lonely not having anyone that understand you to talk with. You see, I'm very-very easy getting annoyed by people presence and I don't know why. I always act indifferent with everybody and I keep on secretly rolling eyes every time they talked about stuff. Well, its because they're talking about the stuff I'm not fond with. I can't... just can't be with this kind of people. I want to move to Japan!
if let say that my Rin and Yukio and Iza-chan can talk to me, I'm soooo gonna bring them everywhere I'm going hahaha I mean, at least I'm not worry that they gonna leave me or whatever. haish, well that's just one of my wishful thinking. I never gonna have a person who understand the likes like me :) we're too freakish limited edition then again, thinking back... I do have a person who is just like me. Well, sis jaba of course demo... due to limited time we're spending, I'm still very lonely. well, she really does making my hear joyful and stuff and even just for a while, I feel like I'm no longer the only person who walk on earth. it just the best moment still... like i said, the time. its like we're living in different time zone sometimes. hohoho i'm babbling. blahblahblah. okay next!
So, like I've said.. I'm under recover from self-harming. It's been few days since my last cut though. I wonder if my prayers has been answered. I mean, every time I went to church, I keep asking for guidance, back to where I can find the light in the darkness of my life. last few month ago, I'm very much hopeless and I see nothing but darkness around me. Not even one person try to reach me and stop me from doing this self-mutilation. I mean, for those who knows. Like lalan, she did saw my new fresh cut last time but she didn't bother to say anything. Well, not like I want to stop somehow. but that time, I just wish she could do or say something. Then I realize, she never did care about anything about me. All she care is about me being with her when her friend fly away from her. Heh, I'm always being the stupid one to stay though. Well, that's not the problem. So... I was like wanting to end myself. I took painkillers and oh right!
speaking of which... actually I was actually almost getting addicted to painkiller and anything pill-like. You see, I was in my mental breakdown that time and at the same time, I'm having toothache. So, I'm like taking this pills to reduce the aches from my tooth. But after a while, I'm no longer having my toothaches but I'm like, convincing myself that it's hurt. even when it's only like a little hurt like being bite by ants, I took like painkillers and paracetamol for a while until my mom told me that I took too much pills. That when it hits me. I'm like "Am I addicted in taking painkillers?" so, I'm trying to control my painkiller pill-taking. In the end, I managed without anyone even noticed about my almost-addicted-to-painkiller stuff. one of the reason, I sometimes taking painkiller for no reason is that I believed that it could help me heal my breakdown. hahaha stupid, I know. I dunno if there are people are doing this to themselves. hm.... but that God. I managed. That's why I said, I always managed. No one knew about this though. I keep it to myself mostly and I remember that I told my aunt next door that I'm having toothache so she gave me her medicine whenever I'm out hahaha gosh, that's quite freaking me out right now. hahaha and and I always take my painkiller without having anything to eat before taking it. Its like, I'm taking those pills with empty stomach. I think that time I only think of ending myself slowly by taking those pills. hahaha oh well, it's painkiller tho. It's healing me instead of killing hahaha irony.
Enough about my little dark secret kekeke. SO back to my self-harming. I've stopped after I started to watch the law of Ueki. Well, not quite. For a few first episode I did cut myself though and suddenly my paranoia gets me and well, actually I'm thanking my paranoia hahahaha actually, after I've done cutting and I'm like going blank for a moment, staring at the blades I've been using and thats when my paranoia hits me. its making me thought that 'What if the blade got rust? you've gonna have a very bad time and dies" at first I'm not so concern but then its strike me again like, "If you die, then its no use. Who's gonna take care of your mom? your fucking brother? damn it~ why can't i just be selfish? don't you care about your mom at all?" hahahaha i don't know. I'm like fighting with myself you know... Its feel like I'm having my soul divided into two and thank God, the good one is winning. So, from that time, I keep myself away from my blades hehehe. Plus, I'm no longer using my eyebrows blade, I'm using sharpeners blade which more working for me in calming my shit down and much faster reliever. heh, sound nuts but I bet all cutter out there is agreeing with me.
so, right now. I'm free from self-harm :) I hope I'm gonna stay strong like this and never ever consider self-harm anymore. I mean, there's always a silver lining in every dark clouds :)
My life has been up and down and there are some that leaving and some that come back and some even just be there when they need me to. But I'm through all that. I'm accepting my life as it is. Well, I know it eventually will happen again sometimes in the future since like people said, our life is circling but all we've got to do is keep moving forwards because everything happen for a reason. Maybe not many out there are strong like me. Well, not saying that I'm strong. I'm still very weak you know. I really really need someone to support me through thick and thin but still, I'm done hoping for someone to do that. I have to save myself from anything. So, I'm determine to be my own hero. no matter how low I'm going to fall, I'm gonna help myself stand back up again and climb. But I'm always wonder though, until when can I keep relying on myself? What if someday, I feel like I can't take it anymore and just give up?
Well, heh... i'm not so sure whats going on inside my head you see. Sometimes I feel like all fire up to save myself and sometimes I feel like, oh well, I don't give a damn about what will happen to me. I'm not sure and I don't even understand myself anymore. I'm having identity conflicts hahahaha...
Hey you know what? I'm gonna continue tomorrow. hahahaha I suddenly feel lazy though :) so yeah
byebye for today
Part II will be tomorrow
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Face.