Part 14: I'm Just Too Coward.

Heyy again :) 
Well, i guess i'm right about being the worst. Haha... *sighs* now everyone hates me. I know i deserve it but then, it just painful you know. Haha... I really didn't mean to leave or whatever. The reason i was going away from the internet, tumblr or even chatting is because i don't want them to dwell with my negativeness. *sighs* well, it doesn't matter now. I mean, its my fault for not telling and explain to them beforehand. I'm just the worst people of all. Heh. Maybe, well I can't even forgive myself you know. I hurt soo many people and its all because of my stupid breakdown. I hate it. I hate being so weak that now i'm being the reason everyone i care about is hurting. Ironically, those people i hurt were a group of people that would be the last i would hurt. But then, well... Heh.

I guess all i'm good at is hurting people. Its seems like it the only things im good at. Wait, no. Thats the first, the second thing im good at is being a burden. Yeah, i still not over the fact that im being adopt is just a burden for my parent. Its true what? I know lots of people would agree with me in this.  Like i said, i'm just the worst. 

I really really hate myself right now. I wish in brave enough to kill myself hahaha... I just want to get off from everyone life because all i ever do to them is hurt them. No matter how many times i apologizes, it will not going to change the facts that i hurt them so much. I'm.... I hate myself even more right now. I won't blame them if they ever hate me from now. I deserved it. I deserve all the hates.  I'm just the worst. 

And yeah, my scar adding up today. I just feel that i deserve some punishment for what i've done. Yeah, i just want to cut right now but no matter how many time i slit my wrist, it just didn't satisfied me. I deserve to be punished more than that. Because im just the worst. The most bad person ever. The baddest friend, the baddest sister, the baddest rp partners. Just simply the worst of the worst.

"Every scars that I drew were always meant to bleed. It's to show that how fucked up I really am,"

Part 13: I'm Just the Worst

Hey, i'm not quite feeling better today. So uh, i decided to update this blog hehehe :) well, i've been feeling down since few days ago and well, of course for some reasons. *sighs* and for addition, stress from school and home. It just, for short everything make me feel down actually. Hahaha *sighs* 

And uh, i relasped again today. Yeah, i'm back to cutting and well, i think i've cut a little deeper because i'm still waiting for the blood to stop. But nothing serious though, it just a small scratch, not too big hehehe :3 it just need time. It will stop soon enough and i'll be fine again for sure :) 

Everything is fine. It just me. I'm thinking too much and i can't stop my paranoia. Yesterday, i caught myself biting my nails like from my school until i reached Ng Siang Hap there. Yeah, I guess i'm having  small anxiety for sure. But nothing serious as well. I'm okay today (^__^)v 
It just that, i can't stop my brain telling me that no one ever care about me and they actuall find me very annoying and behaving bitchy like and like its getting on their nerves in some way. I don't know. And well, i can't blame them for that. I mean, i'm very aware that i'm quite annoying too hahahaha i can't deny the truth, can't i?

And then. Well, i don't know. the reason I've cut again is that, i'm just feeling that. Even if i cut again, no one would care and like they wouldn't even bother to stop me anyway. They will be like, "Its your choice, if you decide to stop, u'll stop." Well, nothing wrong with that though. I mean, they're right about it. I will stop if i want to. But well, i guess i won't then. Since its my choice :)
I'll just lessen it. Well, i am trying my best to stop but then i find there isn't any reason for me to stop. I'm always lonely somehow. No one ever try to reach for me. Its always me who is trying to reach for people. Maybe that's why i never stop feeling lonely. Pathetic isn't it? Heh. Well, its me afterall. I'm just some pathetic being as always. 

*sighs* i always keep my smile on my face though. And i guess i'm too good at lying that not even a single soul noticed how miserable i qctually am. I just. I don't know anymore. Maybe its the best if i withdrew from people for the time being. Especially those i'm chatting with, like Jaba, or Myron or even Sumichan. I don't want to be unable to give them positive energy when i chat with them. I want them ti be happy somehow hahaha :3 *sighs*
Well, my happiness isn't important. All i ever want is materialistic stuff anyway. And yeah, im no saint too. I'm in fact the worst of the worst person ever. I lied to everyone. I never really show them what i'm really feel. I want them to notice it actually. Hahaha yeah, it's my fault somehow. I should have told them but then, they won't care anyway.

I've tried to tell Jaba about my real feelings some of time back then but the way she responds, well... Its not wrong. She did says everything that is necessary but then. Well, heh. I guess i'm just asking for the impossible. Oh well, *sighs* and thats is the time i told myself that i shouldn't be telling anyone else about my problems. I should just keep it too myself. I mean, its my problem and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I should sort things out myself, no? :) 

I mean, everyone have their own problems to deal with. So, yeah. I'll do it myself :)
And yeah, my weight isn't reducing even a bit. In fact it keep on increasing. I think i should just stop eating hahahaha i hate my thigh, my leg, my stomach and everything. Hahahaha *sighs* 

Ah, i shall take my leave now :)
P.S Let your smile cover up your tears :)
*i can even cry lols*

Part 12: I Regret Nothing

Ohh heyy again :3 i'm just want to say that i'm feeling pretty wore out right now. I mean, spiritually hahaha :3 like i don't know how to tell, but really. I feel so tired like my energy is being sucked out of me. Maybe sis Jaba is right about people sucking out my positivity and turn it into theirs. Hahaha well yeah, i'm having mental breakdown not long before but yeah, i pretend like nothing happen. As usual la hahaha :3 i cried in the shower and i'm not  sure why i feel so hurt like that when i thought about Sumi and Kid (my skype friend) honestly i feel glad that i met them even when i'm not a good roleplay partner. Hahaha but they are two out of 107 followers (excluding Jaba account idk how many maybe ten? Hahahaha) that willing to talk to me you see. Hahaha :3 but yeah like i said, i'm not good in making friends. And yeah, i kinda lost both of them hahaha i mean, well i got saw Kid online before but when i go check, he's appear offline. Pfft... I'm too fabulous for him to handle i guess hahahaha :3 and then there's Sumi. Usually, i would saw her online in the morning (their morning) but then today she seems to not online pfft... Haish. This is the reason i don't want to be so fabulous like this hahahaha :3 
But then, i'm so hurt you know. Hahaha i don't know. this make me questioned myself, is it wrong for trying to be nice ans caring for others? But the again. After i had a small talk with sis Jaba and debating with my innerself, i think that nah, it's not wrong for being nice. In fact, i regret nothing for letting them sucking my life energy. As long as they're happy, then i should be happy too. I mean, wven if it not much, even if it means that i'm hurt, as long as they're happy, then i'm glad i couls help :) 
And even if my withdrawal from our chain of friendship means happiness for them, then i'll be glad to withdrawn. Yeah, happiness is important you see :) 
I'm just glad i'm helping even in spiritual way hahaha :3 if we're meant to be friend, they'll look for me. So, i'll be disappear for a while now, from virtual world and will come back again when i fully regain back my life energy :)

Not that i'm trying to be nice or anythibf, it just that i really want to help somebody to smile like you know,  putting a smile on their face even for once or twice because you see, i know that true happiness is very hard to find, especially in today world. So, i was thinking that what if one small smile is actually the key that will bring us towards that happiness? Yeah, it can be right? Like starting from the most basic, we're sure going to conquer it one day hahaha :3

Oh, i better go now. Its almost 1.30a.m :3
So bye bye for now. I might keep on updating shortly like this starting today.
So adieu :)

P.S : Let your smile cover up your tears :)

Part 11: Nothing's Matter Anymore :)

Heyy~ it's been a while I didn't update this blog hahaha :3 yeah, i'm pretty much busy with roleplaying and stuff. Then, assignments week is here and i have resits coming soon. Wah! I haven't even look for my notes. I'm so dead hahaha *sighs* and then, i'n gonna have presentation and after that final exams. Wah. I'm so busy! I really have no time to play around but then... As usual. Hahaha there won't be work if there isn't playing time hahaha :3 yeah. I'll just have to stop procrastinate :) 

And well, honestly i've been stopping from cutting for like almost a month but that around the end of October, i relasped again. *sighs* I've told Jaba about it but then well, I think I shouldn't have to tell every time I relasped right? It's just troublesome and make things even more complicated. So, i'm deciding that if I happen to relaspe again in the future, i'll just deal with it myself. I mean, its my own fault though and no one is involving. So yeah. But after that day, i think its almost a week I didn't cuts :)
Yay me! Hahahaha :3
But the urge and the temptations is really almost impossible to be resisted hahaha :3 
BE STRONG, gie-chan! XD

Anyway, i've made a few friends in Tumblr and we connected through Skype now. Wee~! Yeahh~! i have skype. Can you believe that? Hahahaha i mean, i really hate that thing before but now i've come to like it hahahaha :3 well, now that i have friends to talk too and foreigner to yooo~! Its like always be my dream to have foreigner friends like this hahaha :3
But the problem is that, well. You know how socially awkward i am hahaha i think i've been completely annoying at those two. Yeah, i only have two of them hahaha :3 but anyway, yeah. I mean, i'm already used to be annoying with sis Jaba though. I can't helped it >.< maybe i should act cold like Mon-chan. Hahaha :3 

Yeah. I'm not a good friend for sure. I'm always annoying and sometimes I wonder why I even have friends to begin with. Like seriously hahaha :3 but yeah, i'm not perfect and i can't simply change myself to be the one they wanted to see. This is me, if they hate it. Then fuck it. I'm not going to change who I am, anymore. I'm done with that shit now. Hahaha :3
I'm happy for being myself and i love my annoyingness hahahahaha :3
I'm not going to let other people to bring me down again. I had enough of that. I'm tired of kissing the ground. Now its time for me to climb up and be who i am.  Wahh~! I'm so good with words hahaha :3
But really though, i'm going to do what makes me happy. XD oh yeahh~!

I had enough things to worry about like my studies, my parents, my money, my figurines, my stupid brother *sighs* and lots more. I mean, *sighs* it's hard to be a universal lover you know. Like loving too many things that you couldn't bring yourself to hate anything including the roaches. Hahaha i can't hate them, only disliking :3 And yeah, i cared to much for people that sometimes I think people would be freak out hahaha i mean come on, if i'm them, i would freak out too bwahahaha :3 i'm just.... I don't know. Loke, once i consider that one person as my friend, i'll care about them more than i am about myself. Like well, doesn't matter how they treat me, i'm still going to be with them like forgiving them for that. UNLESS, they pushed me to my limits, then yeah. Sorry, no more place for you my love. Hahahaha :3

Ahhh~ i don't wven know what i'm babbling about. Oh well, i'll write again soon :3

P.S : let your smile cover up your tears.

Part Ten: Maybe I'm Just Weak.

Hey~ it's been a while. Yeah, I'm pretty busy lately and yeah, I'm having a little bit of mental breakdown. hahahahahaha *sighs* I shouldn't laugh but it's sound funny to me hahaha it's slightly reminds me of Block B song, Mental Breaker~! hahaha *cough* anyway, I've break the record. Yosh! I was free from self-cutting for like about a week and a half but then, bad news; I relapsed. I've cut again since yesterday. *sighs* I really don't know why I'm being so weak like this, really easy to fall into temptations. Ugh. I hate myself for this but like seriously I really want to stop. But yeah, maybe I'm not having enough determination to stop and plus, like hell; I wasn't very motivated to stop. I mean... Well, I'm not so sure if I'm really fine and that I'll be okay if I'm not cutting. You see, I don't want to show my anger and like hell, I don't ever want to cry in front of others. I don't need people to pity me. I don't need sympathy.

But really. Sometimes, I have this thought; maybe I shouldn't stop at all. Maybe I should keep doing this, besides, it's really working in controlling my emotion. It's making me feel even better. But then again, I...*sighs* I'm actually not very sure what I want. I want to stop but then I don't. Maybe its because my faith is thinning. It's been a while I didn't go to church or even asking help from Him. I feel like I've been neglected my religion for so long. It because, I feel that I'm not worthy. I don't deserve such great forgiveness from Him, I've sinned to much that I can't even forgive myself for everything. I just feel that I don't deserve such great love from Him. That's why. But I guess, this way of thinking is just leading me to the wrong path. Look what I've become. Even I, myself hard to believe this.Is this even real?

And then, I keep on having this thought telling me that I'm never be good enough. All I ever be is a burden to everyone else. I will never can do good for others, all I do is giving them hard time. I will never ever be good. This thought really kills me. And my insecurities, it just gosh. so unbelievable. If people ever see me, they will think that I'm not insecure at all but honestly, I am. More than you ever know. I hate myself. I really-really hate myself. hahahaha XD

I think, I cut deeper nowadays. Every time, after I cut; I need like 2 or 3 minutes like that to make it stop. Well, it's not involving too much blood though. It just coming slowly out from the cuts but it really need sometimes for me to stop it. hehehei~ Honestly, I don't really feel the pain when the razor contacting with my flesh. All I feel is pleasure. You get me? It just, I know it's wrong but I feel lots better after I've cut. Well, *sighs* I did throw my last razor though but I've got new one now. Ugh. I know! I shouldn't getting a new one but if I don't, my anger will bubbled up and I scared that if I don't control it, I might hurt mum's feeling. I can't afford that. She has more than enough burden. I don't want to add in. It's like the last thing I want to do, okay? *sighs* I don't know how many time I've sighed. hahaha oh well. But thank God, this semester its not very stressful *hopefully* because if it does, I don't know if I can even stop myself. hahaha haish. I hate my life. Eh, no. I hate my reality. If can, I want to live in a dream. hehehe :) Oh well, another wishful thinking of mine. I'm very sorry for the picture though. But like hell, it's actually not that bad. I mean, in the past, my wrist look even worst. hahaha scroll down, you'll get what I mean.

*sighs* I don't have the heart to tell anyone anymore about what is actually going wrong about me. I'm done being burden to anyone. I mean, hell. All I ever did is worrying people. I don't want anyone to be worrying about me. Well, honestly I do need support to stop this harming shit. But then again, I want people to notice it themselves about what's going on with me without I told them anything. If reading my blog will help them realize, then let them read it. hahaha I mean, if possible. I just don't want to open my mouth and tell anyone about it. It just hard you know. I'm very self-cautious about people's thinking. I mean, I don't want them to think that; if I ever openly tells them that I cut myself, there are chances that they will think that I've done it because I'm attention whore or I'm just being stupid. Heh. It could happen okay? hahaha Oh well. Honestly. If I ever tells them about it, or if they got a clue about this matter, I don't think they going to step up and help me. Most likely, they going to pretend that they care about it but after few days or so, they're going to hurt me again. I've been in that phase, alright. *sighs* You know, I really want to be good with everyone, forgiving and forget everything that they all ever did to me but it's keep on coming back. you know. I'm silently tortured. I just want us all to be together again like we used to and no more back-stabbing and stuff. *sighs* I can't tell if they really do care about each other. I don't want to be hypocrite you see. But then, what other option do I have? I have to pretend that it's not hurting me at all when they purposely or accidentally threw insults on me. And even sometimes, when their words is like an poisonous arrow, stabbing right through my chest, I have to maintain a smile on my face even when all I really want to do is breaking down and curled myself on my bed or leave them and lock myself in my room. I feel stupid sometimes. But. I can't help it. I just. I love them so much. So much that it's freaking hurt and it's really kills me, slowly. I feel like I'm being tortured slowly.

Even for my brother. I hate him so much because he hurt my mom zillion of times but I can't bring myself not to forgive him. I mean, *sighs* I hate myself for this you know. I really wish I hate him for real. But like I said. I love all of them too much that it's kills me. No matter how much they hurt me, I can't find myself to hurt them back. All I do is like stay low for a while and then pretend like nothing has happen. I feel stupid. I can't even say anything that I could use for self-defense. I just don't want to hurt any of them. I just can't. Sometimes I wonder, if they ever think of my feelings at all? Or was it just me who think about them? Hell, I always doubt that they loved me back. hahaha maybe I don't deserve their love after all. I mean, I've made so many mistakes in my past years. If I were them, I would still hate me too. Well, maybe more.

I put a smile on my face like almost everyday, especially when I'm with them all. 
But not they ever know that, the smile is just something so fake that I happen to hate so much.
 Whenever I'm alone, that smile will disappear.
 Oh how I wish, my smile is real. Just as real as the pain that clenching my chest.
 I'm suffocating. 
I can't breathe sometimes.
But it's a miracle.
I feel dead, but I'm living.
The fading scars make me feel lonely.
I always wonder why.
Maybe because I'm actually lonely.
So freaking lonely that I want to be around people
Even if they hurt me so much.
Who would ever know?
I never told them that they hurt me.
It's my fault after all.
Yes, it is.
It's my fault after all.
Always is.
Always does.

No matter how many times I try, I keep on losing in this battle. I tried to scream for help but my voice stuck in my throat. I tried writing it on the paper, but the paper was blown by the wind. Will I ever survive this battle? Will someone out there will ever found my letter? 
Will someone come and save me?

Please come.
I'll be waiting here, sitting on this same old abandoned place
Just a right place where I feel belonged.
I'll be waiting here while I try my best to get out 
I'm tired of this place
I just want out
So please.
If you could hear me
Please save me from myself.

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part Nine: You Can't Fixed It Because I'm A Part of The Problems.

I'm literally being shit. I know that but I just can't just shove this feeling of uncertainty away you see. I mean, well... I'm pretty sure that I'm shit with English grammar and words and even my sentence is like direct translate. you get what i mean? hahaha it just well... Honestly. I do enjoy writings because I love it when I imagining things that happen inside the story I'm making but it just that I don't feel that I'm good enough to write anything. But I don't really care about all that stuff, all I care about is the story line and which part is being people favorites and that's all I needed. But I guess, I'm just not born to be a writer somehow. I always get good feedback on my newest fictions from sis Jaba though but I just can't feel it. Well, I know that she like it but then I'm not very you know, like convinced. I don't know why but it just how i felt right and I have no control about it. hahahaha :3

I was really-really hoping for her to tell me like she like the story and then she would tell me which part she really like and why she like it. I hope she would tell me that but it just another wishful thinking of mine. hahaha I mean, maybe it's not that good, I mean my story. It's not that good that she has no favorite part at all and it's actually giving her headache because of my poor grammar. lols. I'm sorry. I'm a shit and always will be. hahaha. I'm so sorry.

Honestly, I do want it to be favorite and was told that it was the best chapter but what's the point if they don't present the evidents? just saying it beautifully written and awesome storyline doesn't even convincing. It's like just a words. you know what i'm saying? its like when i'm reading something that I have no interest at all but I don't want to hurt the writer's feeling so i just say i like it. something like that.

but then again. Different people, different perspective. I mean, well.. Like me, if I really love the story, I would definitely remember every fucking line that written in the chapter and I need more than 15 minutes for me to explain what I felt when I read the chapter. Then I would tell which part is excites me the most and my most favourite part. I really give myself wholehearteedly when I love something. Well, like I've said, different people, different way of saying things. hmmm.... I can't expect too much tho. maybe I should learn to accept the fact.

Last two nights ago, I cried myself to sleep. Well, it just that everything is just so fucked up and I feel so weak that I feel like crying and plus, night time is the only time I can freely cries without my mom even knowing. I really can't let her know how fucked up I really am. I don't want to give her more worries to be concern with. I mean, this is my own problems, so it just should stick with me and only me.

I. I'm really fucked up in this few days. I don't know why. At day time, I look just fine even though everything seems too pissed me off and everyone seems to.. i don't know, it just.... *shrugs* then at night, all the feelings that I've holding at the day will rush towards me and that is when I will fall into pieces. Everything is just so fucked up and I don't know what else should I do to make things better. I'm so fucked up and useless. I'm really a shit. like literally a shit.

My chest felt like it going to burst anytime soon and it just really hard for me to breath. I feel so lifeless. I'm breathing but I'm dead. I don't feel alive anymore. And even when I felt alive, all I ever feel is the negativity and even though I know they we're just meant it for jokes,  I would take it as an insult. I'm just freaking fucked up. Everything around me is turning so dark that I barely could see the colors. I'm losing my rainbow, it color is fading. If it ever disappear one day, maybe it's the end of me. Let's just hope not. hahaha :)

As the day gone by, I feel like I'm losing myself. Sometimes I know the reason, but sometimes I just don't. Sometimes I feel strong, sometimes I feel weak. Sometimes I feel full of life, sometimes I feel empty. But mostly, I felt so lonely even though I'm surrounded by people and this is the only feelings that I can't shove away no matter how much I tried. I feel people hates me most of the time and of course, I hate myself even more because I'm not being myself. I'm literally being someone that people wanted to see and expect from me. I have no clue of who I really am. Only those on the internet would know who i really am, those who never met me will honestly know what I really am. But those who knew me in real life, like Jaba. eventhough she's talking to me in real life or virtually, I'm still pretentious shit

Maybe I'm scared that because maybe once, in the past, the one that hurt her was me, the real me. So, I've decided to be this pretentious version of myself so that I can take care of everyone's feeling even though it's hurting me like zillions time.  heh. But honestly though, even though I'm saying that I'm acting good just because I want to take care of her feelings, when it come to her writings, I'm like losing control of myself and i really really do love her writings. If she's a famous writer, I would list her as one of my fav author ever. hehehe like seriously :D

And yeah, about my self-harm. I'm still doing it of course. it just not frequent. Well, I never did it frequently. I'm only doing it when I feel like it. But then, I would do it like more than twice. hehehei.
I really want to stop but it just seem impossible. I mean, I have no one else to turn up too. I do have people around me but I'm no longer the expressive Pgie like everyone used to know. But like I said, maybe it just me. heh. Oh well, I guess that's all from me :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part Eight: It's Hurt So Much.

Hi~ hi~
I'm here again. hehehe :3 today is my first day of holiday wohoo! and next semester is going to be serious time so I guess I better get myself ready kekeke :3 anyway, today nothing much happen. I'm just feeling down and I'm not sure why. Well, I do know why for the half of my sadness. I mean, of course it was because of the face that I keep on seeing pasted on my mom paled face. Well, she looked pretty stress lately and it's all because of the stupid brother of mine. He's really fucked with our life. I'm just sick and tired about everything that happen lately and its seems like it's going to last forever like this. I'm so stress out but I... I can't actually show that everything that happen have effect me this much. I mean, I just don't want my mom to worry you see. I want her to look up at me and when she see that I'm looking okay and stuff, I want her to be strong for me.

I just don't know anymore. Everything just fucked up. HE keeps on asking few hundred twice a day like the money never finish. Like we can generate our own money. Don't he ever think about dad who had to work for years and only going home for like 2 weeks if he lucky enough. and now, do he ever know that's dad is sick and not many ships would want to take him to work since he's now already reaching 60 years of age? and I'm  still so far away from able to support this family. I'm so stress you know.

And and whenever my dad call, he keeps telling me not to worry about the money and just keep focus on my study like nothing happen. I mean, how am I possibly pretending that everything is fine? the fucker keep on using the money and he tell me not to worry? Of course I'm worried. Well, I'm not worry if I able to further my study or what-so-ever but it just that... it seems you know....he's working so damn hard for me and to support the family but the fucker ruins everything and

now i can't help but to think that I'm being a burden to them. I mean, both of my parents. If I weren't here, like never even exist or born, they would have more money and they won't be that worried even if the fucking brother of mine is involving with this shit since they don't have to worry about spending money for my college and stuff. If I weren't here, it would be better since I'm just a burden. I know this is wrong and I'm sorry but I can't help it but to think like this.

Plus, I'm useless. I can't even make things right, I can't even help them dealing with this. I'm just here, burdening them. I don't deserve such a parent like them. They're being to good for me and I'm honestly grateful to have them as a parent. I'm grateful that they picked me and adopt me of all my other siblings. I'm more that grateful. But I'm nothing but a burden to them. I don't know how I'm going to help them and all I'm doing is spending their money like I own them. I'm so useless like shit.
They deserve a better daughter. I'm not a good daughter. I'm just their another burden. I'm really really sorry. I'm so sorry. I really am. I wish I could disappear. Maybe things would be different for them.

And honestly. I really can't stand how my brother act towards my mom. He just being so rude towards her and it just making me hating him more. He just keep on blaming things on her even if it was his own fault. He shove all the blame on her. He's so fucked up. I wish he die for real. I'm not even sorry for wishing this. I may be crying if he die but not for long. I'm just tired.

Everyday, I have to look at my mom crying face and how worried and stressful she's been. How she try to look okay in front of me when I clearly know that she's crumbled inside. I had to admit that I really respect my mom for being strong like this. She never show any sign of giving up at all. Maybe she broke down to tears behind me and I'm sure of it but I really admired her for not giving a sign of sadness when we're having family gathering. Even sometimes, I feel like crying you know. Because, you see. I understand how she's feeling, well maybe not wholly but I do. It hurts me so much that I feel numb.

I don't know. I don't know what's going to happen next in my life. everything seems to fucked up a lot, and even worsen. It seems like bad things keep on happening in our life. Sometimes, I wish that for just one cycle, my parent life were free from stress and shit. They've been through so much in life. just for once, I want to see them smiling again. It's fuzzy in my head on how they used to smile. I can't even remember the last time I saw them smiling or laughing. I just want them to be happy.

And I myself still fucked up. I still cuts myself and I'm not strong enough to stop from doing it. I'm sorry, I really do want to stop but with all this pain I try to hide so much and it's been slowly devouring me. I'm not strong. I really wish I can open up to someone like I did to this blog but I can't. I just can't. I don't want to bother anyone with my problems. I'm done being a burden to everyone. I mean, everybody has their problems so why should I burden them with mine? I know I can handled this. I know, even if I'm not strong enough to handle this, I'm going to stay and fight. I want to know the reason why am I destined to be the daughter of my parents. Am I really just a useless shit? or am I not?
One thing for sure, I'm going to do whatever they want even if I had to throw aside all my dreams and wants. I just want them to be happy. Then I shall do it for them and its the last things I can do.

It's hard for me to faking my smiles in front of the others but I had too. I don't want other people to take pity on me or worried about me. And even sis Jaba didn't know. I've decided to stop telling her anything that's bothering me. She have the rights to be happy like now. I prefer to see her smiling and excited to write another chapter of her story. It's really make me feel at ease sometimes. She doesn't have to know about how fucked up I am. I've been hurting her so bad in the past so I'm through hurting her.
I really thanking the chat apps you see. Since it enable us to hide our true emotion from our chat partner. We can type 'I'm so happy' even when actually we're breaking down and crying like there's no tomorrow. heh. Oh well, technology is great :)

I may not stopping from cutting but I won't commit suicide because I want to be there for my mom and dad. I want to pay all the deeds and support their life like they've done to mine. So, nothing to worry. I'll be just fine till the end.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part Seven: I'll Be Dealing With This Alone :)


I'm just going to unleash my inner fan-girl a bit in this post about my real OTP hahahaha XD yes, I shipped TaeHoon so bad that its hurt because ChiHoon left Ulzzang Shidae few years back T^T but still, he's still posting pictures on his cyworld and other websites. Well, I've heard la, from his hard-core fans. hehehe :) I personally love my edits :3 I'm so proud of it that I could cry right now. hahahaha like seriously.

It's been a while I didn't post picture of Ulzzangs in here. So yeah, as you can see, I'm back again to m Ulzzang fandom and I think I'm going to stay in this fandom for a moment. kekeke and of course I'm still in Anime Fandom Okay?! hehehehe :3 anyway, right now I suppose to study my Organizational Behaviour since I'm having exam later evening LOLs. I'm fucked up I know! hahahahaha and even more fucked up on Friday and Saturday *cries in the corner* hahahahaha But I'm going to do my best though. So, I thought that I'm going to release my distraction here for a bit before I get down to business. hohohoho :)
So, just hope I'm not going to spend my whole morning here though ahahaha since I really don't studying so yeah *wink*

Okay~ another edits of pictures. This one is tributes to sis Jaba newest fictions and as well as my most favourite after Levedad kekeke:3 God! I just love this Yaoi fic. Yes, you read that right. It's a Yaoi fics which the pair is TaeJun and Chihoon. Ohohoho XD this pairing is just freaking perfects. OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG. hahahahaha XD

Well, at the same time, I'm writing my own fics too but mine is SNK fan-fictions. hehehe but then I lost my confident in continuing writing that since you know, Jaba perfect English and her powerful sentence is just... wow. I'm no match with her at all. I'm like, wow. hahaha she could explain every movements of the character very well that I could even imagine it like I'm watching Anime. Like seriously. My English just suck you know. Like I always said, even three years old can write even better than me. I just, I don't know... Sometimes I feel like I'm not born to write but I do loves writings. Like this, I mean... I can write for the whole week non-stop you know. hahahaha but yeah, the problem is I'm not very confident since my English sucks T^T *rolls on the grass*

I feel even worst when I read Jaba's fics. Hahahahaha sshhhhh don't tell her this though. I don't want her to stop writing because of me since it's her hidden passion you see. I mean, I can see that it's the only things that make her look lively and in good mood. hehehehehe so, yeah. Just don't ever tell her *pinky promise* Well, honestly said. I'm pretty envious with her writing skills. Like seriously, she's born to write. She don't even need to like go to writing class or what-so-ever. All she need to do is sit there and writes and everything come out perfect. Gosh, I admired her so much that its hurt. hahahaha XD I wish I have that kind of talent you know. But my talent is like, uh.... reading and roll on the floor hahahaha XD or or counting the grass. I don't think I ever had any talent, other than procrastinating. LOLs. pity me.

Anyway, I seriously wanted her to keep continue on writing. Like it's her hidden talent and she's like very clueless about it. I want to be there and support her until she realized about it herself. Maybe one day, she'll realized that she can go further in writing industry. I mean, come on. She had the potential okay? hahahaha so, I'm gonna say this again. If she ever manage to finish her Levedad one day, I'm going to print it out and maybe I would look for publisher without her knowing it. hehehe :3 I just want her to know that she have bright future. Even if the whole world (families) might against her, I'm going to stay with what I believe in. I believe she can be a real writer in the future. Well, free-lance writer to be exacts. kekeke ;3

This is I promised to myself :)

So, you see. I'm pretty much in a bad condition right now. hahahaha *sighs* I'm back with my self-cutting again. Well, honestly I just cuts myself few minutes ago but I feel no pain. It feel like I'm immune with the pain. ahahahaha well, the things is... I don't know what's been bothering me lately but I really feel distracted like a lots of times. I feel like I'm not belong in this world and stuff like that. I just hate it when it happen. And especially when I feel angry, I would automatically reached for the blade and cuts again. Wow, I just. Well, I'm not proud of this and I just want to stop but I just too weak that I bowed to the temptation. I just, well... I think no one knew that my addiction to self-harming is pretty bad lately. Like well, I do shares with sis Jaba about this but then, it just like ordinary conversation like I'm telling her like "Hey, I self-harmed again today," or something like that. hahahaha honestly. I think I should stop telling her about it. I mean, I don't want to burden her anymore like worrying about me and stuff or maybe I think she's worried about me. hahahaha

Ugh... I think, the reason I'm not fond to stop self-harming is that because I feel like no one really care even if I bleed to death. I mean, well of course those I've been telling is like "You should stop because I care a lot about you," something like that but it words is just a words right? Anybody can say that. Even I can say that to strangers. I'm just not convinced about that kind of shit anymore. Maybe, if they show me prove, I would. But so far, none. *sighs* I'm demanding I know and I'm just. *sighs*
I lost my trust to everyone, like I've told you in my previous post. I lost my trust in words because I'm sick and tired of empty promises. I mean, I really need those who said they care to SHOW me that they really care but it's too much to ask though. hahaha well, just forget it. I'm going to pretend that I've stop then. ehehehe and I'm not going to burden anyone anymore. It's my problem, so I'll deal with it :)

So, I have another project to do for my upcoming semester break. Hohohoho. In fact, I've been planning a few projects for the whole 2 weeks. yeah~ hahahaha and I just can't wait for it! god, I'm so looking forward for my semester break. But I need to go through hell first before end up in heaven. kekekeke :D

Well, there are 7 things I'm listing for my Semester Break Project

1. changing room wallpaper
2. rearranging stuff in le precious room
3. Writing Project
4. Anime Marathon Project
5. True Blood Marathon Project
6. Weight Loss Project. (I'm targeting for 60 Kg) hehehe
7. Self-Healing Project ( like going to continue writing my feelings on blog )

So yeah. My 2 week holiday will be just awesome! hahahahahaha I hope I'm not going to procrastinate too much though. ahahaha seriously, I'm very good at procrastinating in this few months. hahahahahaha XD

So, I guess that's all from me. I want to bath then I shall study with all my guts. Okay bye!
Have a nice day

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears ;)

Abandoned Post O.O

Hi~ hi~ ! greetings humanoids.
I'm back again after few days of MIA from mr. bloggy. hehehe gomenasai! i'm pretty much busy spending time in Tumblr in this few days. Haish, I don't even try to do my marketing assignment you know and when the fact is that I'm going to present on this tuesday T^T. Well, I'm trying my best to get in the mood right now but my head was very distracted hahahaha I don't know why. I'm just pretty much distracted right now. Anyway, yesterday, I read this one Yaoi manga and it's so fluffy and sexy at the same time. ohohohoho even the character drawn was very detail. if you know what i mean  hahahaha then that its strike me. hahaha like what have i become? am I a pervert? hahahaha oh well, I can't say though. Since my curiosity definitely on top of my head. I always wonder how to men be together hahahaha together in bed i mean. hohoho. Demo, I'm not the only one who are BL fans hohoho XD

So, I'm now in fandom of Shingeki no Kyojin (Attack on Titans) as well as part-timing in becoming Ryugamine Mikado of Durarara!! ahh, now in Mikado's blog is full of SNK arts hahaha. I'm feeling that I'm making Mikado looks like he was adoring SNK character haishh. hahaha oh well, i can't stop reblogging SNK since my Mika-chan dashboard is full of SNK. I can't help it >.< Well, I haven't watch anime version yet since I'm thinking to watch it on my precious holiday on September. hehehe :)
Speaking of SNK, like every other anime I've watched, I also have my OTP hehehe and that is dun dun dunn~~~!!


I can't get enough of this two.
I mean, for me they are both so perfect with each other ahahaha
Damn >.<
I'm actually liking Levi Rivaille since he was so cool and so talented in killing those titans you know
the fact that he's the fastest soldier of Scounting Legion when using 3DMG. waaah.. perf... just perfect. this was when I was reading le manga. then, I took a sneak peak at anime for a couple of episode and that's when I feel like I'm into Eren Jeager as well. hehehe :) He look much better in anime than manga though. In my opinion lah. And uh, Eren is very determined kid and had too much too handle you see. hmmm... but that's doesn't make him giving up you see. so that's why I like him. So, there comes my OTP hehehe :)
Actually, at first i was in ArminXEren ships. 

Um... what else? life nowadays? well, nothing much had change somehow. Everything still fucked up and I just don't know when this gonna end. Pressure, pressure everywhere. I'm just losing it at times you know and the urge to cut is sometimes came back to me but I try real hard not to bow down. hahaha like seriously. Even some of the days, I looked at my fading scars and thought like, "I could cut deeper," hahaha seriously. But as the scars fades, I feel proud of myself. I'm able to stand up now but I'm still can't have my confidence about myself yet. hahaha maybe I'll try to fulfill my basic level of needs first. kekeke :3 and uhh....

things that happen is very confusing and frustrating in this few days. I mean, my brother keep asking a very huge amounts of money while my dad is going to retired soon. So, my mom is like, so pissed in this few days and she's like scolded me for everything that she think is wrong in my doings. Then, at times she would randomly told me to study harder and continue on my degrees and stuff and get a good job so I can support her and dad one day. Well, not that I want to say that's wrong. But I still so far from getting my degree and under this kind of circumstances with my teammates and my laziness and pressures I keep on getting, I don't think I can make them proud. I don't even feel like I can pass this upcoming exam you know. I mean, I'm... I just I don't know... I feel so small when it come to study. I'm not a good student, not a bad either but I just, haishhh.... The lecturers are so bias you see. All of them do. Like they paying double attention on their favorite students. heh, whatever. So, I just couldn't wait to finish my study soon and if can, I want to find another place to continue my study. I think I just need some new environment to be at hahaha >.<
like seriously. 

somewhere far away.

I keep on dreaming to go to Japan one day. ahahaha and I guess this is my most wanted goals to achieve. I want to walk around shibuya streets and take pictures with all the cosplayers and osharekeis on the streets and even buy myself some clothings ughhhh!! I just want to go there. I would buy every anime-related when I go there one day hahaha :) But then, if this matter won't change any time soon, I guess it just become further away from me. Oh well, once I get a job, I definitely going to save it so I can go to japan~!

*this should be posted on 18/8/2013 but I suddenly stop half-way and I wonder why hahahaha >.<
Oh well~ i'll just let it slide for now

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

I'm Bend and Close to Broken.

There are so many times I feel fucked up
Feeling the anger bubbling up
Making me feel hatred towards anything, everything
I don't wanna hate
Hate is such a strong words
I don't ever wanna hate
Hate is making me fell into pit of anger

I can't even control it anymore
Losing my temper is the last thing I wanna do
I would hurt everyone that around me
This anger is the one that bring death to me
I'm defeated by this anger of mine
I wish I never have this emotion.

I'm tired of hurting people
I'm tired of being left behind
I'm tired of being blame
I'm tired of being hatred
I'm tired of misunderstanding

My dearest best friends
I don't think it will leave me soon
I feel so fucked up
Everyone seems to hate me secretly
Shoving all the blame on me
Or making me feel like I deserved all the blame

I just want to fade away
I just want to feel better
I just want to stop faking my real emotion
Was it too much to ask?

I lost myself once again
I'm sorry I can't stop myself any longer
I'm fallen deeper than yesterday
This time I don't know when I'll be back again
For this hole seems too deep
and its slippery and stiff for me to hold on

I'm sorry I lose control
But I have reasons that I can't tell
Reasons that I don't even realized why
I'm sorry I'm so fucked up
I'm not strong enough to stop
Everything just triggering me

Every drop of blood I shed
Will constantly make me feel at ease
The pain I felt on my skins
Is nothing than the pain I kept inside me
I just want to release my pain
So please
Please understand me
This may not the best way
But for me
It's the only things
That could ever
Make me feel like
I'm in control
of my own emotion

Don't mind the scars
Don't mind the blood
Don't mind the pain
I wish I could cry easily
Expressed myself openly to everyone
But I just can't
and that just me
I'm bend and close to broken.
If you hear me scream
Please save me

Part 6 (II): When The Clock Chimes 12 Times

It's just so frustrating to live my own life you know. I can't even be happy even for a while. Well honestly said, today is the best day I ever had so far and so it's gonna end soon. I can feel it in my guts. I can feel it with all my sense that it's gonna end soon. Oh well, it's not I'm new with this. I'm having this little feeling to cry you see. I'm currently listening to Aru Ga Mama, song by Anamu & Maki and the music and the voices is very soothing, their voices touches me right on the heart. I feel very invisible you know. I mean, it such a simple song and it touch me so deeply. I sometimes find myself swaying accordingly to the sound of this song and my feelings... One time I feel sad, then I feel lonely but at the same time, I feel glad and happy. I don't know why I'm having this mix feeling when I'm listening to them singing...It's not like I understand the lyrics hehehe me no speak japanese bah~ hehehe but then, I searched the lyrics online and it has a perfect meaning of what I'm feeling. yes. It's no wonder that it could touch me. hehehei :)

But honestly said right now. I'm feeling a bit lonely and I just want to cry all out. But, something holding me from doing it. I don't know. Maybe I just could cry or maybe it just I'm feeling my chest is clenching. I don't know. But what I know that I'm feeling sad. Maybe it's because I have so many regrets. or maybe I'm just feeling wanting to disappear. I just want to disappear. Yeah, most of the time.

But still, I want to be around. I want to be around those people I care and those who I think still care. My heart aching right now. Hm.... Wonder if there people still care about me? What if it just my feeling that people still care when there isn't anyone. What if? I can't stop wondering sometimes. I mean, I can't find any cues that telling me people around me, people near me are care about me. Even my mom. She mostly care about Shawn and his dad. Telling me that it's going to be my responsibility to take care of Shawn one day, telling me not to hate my brother when he hurt her for like thousands of time. Heh.

And when she with me, all she ask me is study, telling me not to buy my favourite stuff, asking me to further my study, criticizing me for being lazy. Well, I'm sorry for I can't be a perfect daughter. I'm not perfect. I wish that, just for once, she would ask me about how my school is, what I really want, my wishes, ask me if I'm really okay or even listen to my opinion for once. Just for Once. I think I'll be happy. But, heh. this is just one of my wishful thinking. I'm upset but everyday, I have to put on a smile or keep myself away from people. I'm not a good liar, I must say.

And it's not like I want to complain or whatever. I just couldn't take it anymore. I mean, like how sis Jon and Lalan and they all treat me. I know they are being nice and stuff but is it what they really felt towards me? What if they all just pretending because they need my help. I mean, like sis Jon. She always like bringing me shopping and stuff and she always told me that she won't care if I say no if I don't want to. You know what, that's truly bullshit. She actually care. Its not like I'm always saying no to her, only occasionally. But every time I did so, she will start to ignore me and act like as if she was sulking and stuff. It hurt me so bad you know. It make me feel guilty It's like she's putting the blame on me. Even when I forgot to reply her message, she'll be like, if you don't want to be with me then fine, go. but then, if I message her, she didn't reply so it's okay if I'm hurt and not okay for her? it's not like I'm purposely doing that. So, day by day, until now... I'm doing it purposely and blaming my phone for that. I just don't care.
As for Lalan. She just used me. When she have her friends around, she just threw me to the side and came pick me up again when her friends leaving. I feel like recycle stuff you know. But I born to have dog traits that I stay loyal to whom ever treat me nicely even if they just faking it. So, I stay. I just. I don't know what's gotten into me. I hate this loyal traits of mine. I just don't have the guts to shove people away like they all did to me. I'm just like, be here and let them do whatever they want on me.

If they don't want to be with me, fine. But please don't hurt me like this. I'm a human too. I have feeling like them. But they never took noticed when I want to be alone. They keep on giving me hard time. Maybe they think it's okay to hurt me because I appear to look tough and stuff. Don't they know that I'm appear strong because I don't want them to be sad because of me.

I'm not so sure how I'm going to keep moving in this life of mine. I'm tired of everything around me. The only few things that still keeping me alive until today is sis Jaba, Valerie, Shawn, and Anime. If one day, if let say I'm losing all four, I guess I don't have anymore reason to live. Heh, even future. I don't think I even have the bright one. Heh.

Oh well, better wash my face now :)
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Mikida :)

Part 6: Every Clouds Have Its Silver Lining :) (I)

Greetings, humans~ I've been in MIA since forever I guess hohoho that's because I'm not very motivated to update. I do want to update since there are bunch of stuff I wanna share but still, i'm very stressed out with y assignments, tutorials and even my teammates gah! everything just going to make my head explode until I feel like want to do nothing, including, self-cutting you know. hahaha I guess I'm too freaking stressed to think about anything. All I do all day is sit in front of my lappy and watch anime from morning until next morning hohohoho. Demo, I'm going to be doom soon since my holiday only 3 days left so... I haven't done a shit including my assignments and presentation slide. I'm fucked up right now. I wish I could cry but I couldn't since it's not that bad. hahaha plus, my team members really have no team work at all and I'm so fucked up this semester. I wish I could be my own group you know. Maybe I could finish it half semester ago. Gosh >.< but I was thinking to start everything tonight... ummm not tonight... but maybe sometimes around tomorrow. hohohoh I need to get some shit done though haaaaaa! I wish I have somebody to motivate me doing my homework. 

sometimes I wish my figurine can talk you know. it's freaking lonely not having anyone that understand you to talk with. You see, I'm very-very easy getting annoyed by people presence and I don't know why. I always act indifferent with everybody and I keep on secretly rolling eyes every time they talked about stuff. Well, its because they're talking about the stuff I'm not fond with. I can't... just can't be with this kind of people. I want to move to Japan! 
if let say that my Rin and Yukio and Iza-chan can talk to me, I'm soooo gonna bring them everywhere I'm going hahaha I mean, at least I'm not worry that they gonna leave me or whatever. haish, well that's just one of my wishful thinking. I never gonna have a person who understand the likes like me :) we're too freakish limited edition  then again, thinking back... I do have a person who is just like me. Well, sis jaba of course demo... due to limited time we're spending, I'm still very lonely. well, she really does making my hear joyful and stuff and even just for a while, I feel like I'm no longer the only person who walk on earth. it just the best moment still... like i said, the time. its like we're living in different time zone sometimes. hohoho i'm babbling. blahblahblah. okay next!

So, like I've said.. I'm under recover from self-harming. It's been few days since my last cut though. I wonder if my prayers has been answered. I mean, every time I went to church, I keep asking for guidance, back to where I can find the light in the darkness of my life. last few month ago, I'm very much hopeless and I see nothing but darkness around me. Not even one person try to reach me and stop me from doing this self-mutilation. I mean, for those who knows. Like lalan, she did saw my new fresh cut last time but she didn't bother to say anything. Well, not like I want to stop somehow. but that time, I just wish she could do or say something. Then I realize, she never did care about anything about me. All she care is about me being with her when her friend fly away from her. Heh, I'm always being the stupid one to stay though. Well, that's not the problem. So... I was like wanting to end myself. I took painkillers and oh right!

 speaking of which... actually I was actually almost getting addicted to painkiller and anything pill-like. You see, I was in my mental breakdown that time and at the same time, I'm having toothache. So, I'm like taking this pills to reduce the aches from my tooth. But after a while, I'm no longer having my toothaches but I'm like, convincing myself that it's hurt. even when it's only like a little hurt like being bite by ants, I took like painkillers and paracetamol for a while until my mom told me that I took too much pills. That when it hits me. I'm like "Am I addicted in taking painkillers?" so, I'm trying to control my painkiller pill-taking. In the end, I managed without anyone even noticed about my almost-addicted-to-painkiller stuff. one of the reason, I sometimes taking painkiller for no reason is that I believed that it could help me heal my breakdown. hahaha stupid, I know. I dunno if there are people are doing this to themselves. hm.... but that God. I managed. That's why I said, I always managed.  No one knew about this though. I keep it to myself mostly and I remember that I told my aunt next door that I'm having toothache so she gave me her medicine whenever I'm out hahaha gosh, that's quite freaking me out right now. hahaha and and I always take my painkiller without having anything to eat before taking it. Its like, I'm taking those pills with empty stomach. I think that time I only think of ending myself slowly by taking those pills. hahaha oh well, it's painkiller tho. It's healing me instead of killing hahaha irony.

Enough about my little dark secret kekeke. SO back to my self-harming. I've stopped after I started to watch the law of Ueki. Well, not quite. For a few first episode I did cut myself though and suddenly my paranoia gets me and well, actually I'm thanking my paranoia hahahaha actually, after I've done cutting and I'm like going blank for a moment, staring at the blades I've been using and thats when my paranoia hits me. its making me thought that 'What if the blade got rust? you've gonna have a very bad time and dies" at first I'm not so concern but then its strike me again like, "If you die, then its no use. Who's gonna take care of your mom? your fucking brother? damn it~ why can't i just be selfish? don't you care about your mom at all?" hahahaha i don't know. I'm like fighting with myself you know... Its feel like I'm having my soul divided into two and thank God, the good one is winning. So, from that time, I keep myself away from my blades hehehe. Plus, I'm no longer using my eyebrows blade, I'm using sharpeners blade which more working for me in calming my shit down and much faster reliever. heh, sound nuts but I bet all cutter out there  is agreeing with me. 

so, right now. I'm free from self-harm :) I hope I'm gonna stay strong like this and never ever consider self-harm anymore. I mean, there's always a silver lining in every dark clouds :)

My life has been up and down and there are some that leaving and some that come back and some even just be there when they need me to. But I'm through all that. I'm accepting my life as it is. Well, I know it eventually will happen again sometimes in the future since like people said, our life is circling but all we've got to do is keep moving forwards because everything happen for a reason. Maybe not many out there are strong like me. Well, not saying that I'm strong. I'm still very weak you know. I really really need someone to support me through thick and thin but still, I'm done hoping for someone to do that. I have to save myself from anything. So, I'm determine to be my own hero. no matter how low I'm going to fall, I'm gonna help myself stand back up again and climb. But I'm always wonder  though, until when can I keep relying on myself? What if someday, I feel like I can't take it anymore and just give up? 
Well, heh... i'm not so sure whats going on inside my head you see. Sometimes I feel like all fire up to save myself and sometimes I feel like, oh well, I don't give a damn about what will happen to me. I'm not sure and I don't even understand myself anymore. I'm having identity conflicts hahahaha...
Hey you know what? I'm gonna continue tomorrow. hahahaha I suddenly feel lazy though :) so yeah

byebye for today
Part II will be tomorrow
I promise!

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Face.

Part 5: Can't You See That Bad Things Only Happens To Me.

Hey there :) 
It's been a while I didn't write here eh? Well, um... Too many things happen to me lately and I lost all my interest in doing everything. Not quite everything though. Only few things I still have interest in doing like listening to music, watching movies, eating & online-ing. But right now, I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lie down on bed while listening to music and reading. My homework is piling up and my assignment due date is getting near. I'm very much under pressure right now about that and well, i can't blame anyone on that since I'm a very talented procrastinator kekeke :3

Plus, my brother is back to his fucking idiotic self which i am very suspecting him to be involving with drugs, AGAIN. I mean, he keep on asking money at mom like 1000 in two days. Come on, it's fucking obvious that he is repeating the fucking history. I just very angry at him and well, i must say that i quite despise him now. And yesterday, he ask me to give him RM 100. I'm like what the fuck man? Do i look like i'm working here?! Fuck man. Does he have no common sense at all? Motherfucking son on a bitch. Like fucking seriously, how can he think that i have that amount of money with me anyway? Hmm.... I don't know. Gah. Fuck. 
Then, i have to thicken my face to ask money from my aunt next door like i'm so freaking embarrassed you know. I feel like peasants who asking for money. I mean, my pride is scarred. >.< because of the shameless son of a bitch. 
I wish he was dead. My life would be even better.

And there come to my dad. He couldn't stop talking and nagging. I mean, he keep on telling me the same things over an over again and saying that i'm just like my brother, never listen to what he said and like blaming me for didn't do like he instruct. I would do it if he just fucking stop repeating the same thing. I know when I want to do it or when i don't feel like it. I need time and it just fucking frustrating you know. Gosh. And he said that i only know how to play and don't even study. Heh. Fuck this shit. He never even bother to check me when i'm studying. 
And saying that i'm like my brother is a big no. I may be a loser but at least i don't try to fit in until i done the wrong things. Come on la. I fucking hate that. And speaking of listening, have he ever listen to what i've said? Like when i told him that i want to be a cartoonist, does he ever listen or understand how much i want to be that? All he gave me are mountains of empty promises like he promised to give me freedom after i finish my diploma. Where the fuck is that have gone? It all buried deep down into the core of earth crust. All my life, i've been listening to him and mom. What i get? None. Materialistically, yes. Does they ever care what I really want? I don't fucking think so. They never bother to ask. Even if i tell them what i want, they always disagree. Why? Because they never thing of what i want. All that in their mind is only how my brother behave on them. God, i'm so fucking losing this game.

And well, i'm still actively self-harm. I did browse on the web how to cope with this and i even look for Demi Lovato on how she managed to survive. Well, she kind of surviving from self-harm because she have her little sister who love her and care for her. Then, there in the USA, they have rehab centre for self-harmer and plus she have her fans supporting her. I was thinking to look up on her and learn to cope with mine according to hers. But then, i think back, it is so not my solution. I mean, i don't have anyone that love or care for me, i'm just exist when they need something from me. Then, here in Malaysia they have no rehab centre for self-harmer or i don't even think here got psychiatrist. And last, hell... Don't say fans, friends also I don't think i even have one. Hm.... So i went to surviving method number two. It says that i could distract myself from self-harm by doing things i like. Well, it surely the best and easiest way to cope with this shit. But then, now I'm feeling very tired to do anything. I was free from self-harm like 2 days because i was focusing myself playing the sims 3 then yesterday evening, my dad scolded me and said that i'm doing something unworthy and said that i never study. So, i started again yesterday evening. Then, before my bed time, lalan make me fucking angry that she threw the panadol right in front of me because she hates taking medicine. I mean, hell. She should be grateful that i care about her health and that what she did to me? Heh. I fucking swear that this is the fucking last time i will care about her health. I'm so mad as well that again, i took my razor and cut myself. So, i cut like twice yesterday. And then, when i was about to go to bed, i suddenly feel like crying and all the guilty feeling suddenly rushing towards me and i suddenly feel like i was being used by everybody, hated and annoying. I couldn't stop crying and i couldn't even sleep it out. So i took my razor again and then, start to calm my shit down. So that's make it three times in one evening. I guess i'm pretty much in  quite a mess eh?

Today, i feel a bit okay. I'm still under pressure but i managed to make people laughed and i joked with them. My scars from yesterday cutting still biting and well, i don't even bother to hide it anymore because no one noticed it and care shit about it. Yes, i freely wore my normal t-shirt. I'm invisible in everywhere i go, so why even bother to hide it anyway? I'm not gonna show them up about it or pretend to accidentally show it to them, no. 
I just don't give a shit about people anymore, they don't give a shit about me anyway.

So, that's pretty much what going on with my life currently. There's more but i just feel like telling this only. I need self-control right now since i'm in class. Kekeke :3

So, i'll write again soon :)
Have a nice life ;)

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part 4 : I'm Worsen But I'm Fine. I'll be just fine

Hi there :)
Well, today I'm not having a good start for the day. hehei :) But um... I'm pretty fine now though. I've cut again today and not just once, because I think I deserve more than one of that. I mean, yeah I'm blaming myself for you know, the new fact I just knew today. Well, I'll go to that part later. Now, I just want to say that I don't think my life will get better after this and I have feelings that it will getting even worst than ever. What else can I say? I mean, everything seems to fall apart again and I'm here, sitting alone in this lair of love of mine and cutting myself, feeling guilt that I can't even get rid off. I'm so full of guilt, self-hatred and everything. Depression, you say? Well, a little but I'm not feeling depress somehow. Honestly, I feel nothing. I don't really hate myself, only a little. Guilt? Yep, because I feel like I'm bringing disaster to everybody that sometimes I wish to be alone and I know I hate that idea but yeah, it's better for everybody. I mean, you know I care to much about other people feeling that you know... I rather be alone than hurting them. I'm through being hated and now I'm hated.. again. But I can't blame them for hating me because you know, it's my specialties nowadays. I am very-very good at hurting people feeling that I don't even know how to stop.

I look pretty~ I know~ I know~ hehehei~ but nah, I'm not. If I didn't put on my fake teeth, everyone will definitely screaming while running away. kukuku XD anyway.. Last Saturday is one of my worst day of my life. Start off with the afternoon. I was already promised Chyi, Jonny and Lalan that I'm going to join them hangout at Beach Republic at 4p.m. But then, around 3.30p.m my mom suddenly ask me to send her to buy the lottery and I'm like, What?! WHATTTTT~~~~~ hahaha just kidding~ I'm like what? why didn't you ask me earlier? I'm going with chyi and the rest at 4! i said to her and she's like, blahblahblah~~ and you know, nagging at me. But then, I think back, it's my own fault though for not telling her earlier that I'm going with Chyi and the rest. But I'm to ego to admit that it was my fault so I just keep the anger to myself until I arrived home. When I'm at home, it was already 5p.m and I've message Chyi that they can go without me though but then she didn't allow me to be left that she ask lalan to pick me up. Since, I'm still very angry at myself that I can't even think of anything else. I can't go hang out with them with anger right? So yeah, I've cut myself again. Its bleed a little but it help me relaxing a bit. I put all my anger on the razor as I cut myself. But pshh... like anyone would care even if I bleed myself to death that time. kekeke :) So, I'm feeling better a bit. I could make them laugh, I can make rania laugh... That's important the most. and then, we go home around 7 something and Lalan and I went home here, at my place. And there we saw that Jaba and her family is there too. I was like... Umm.. okay.... I'm not ready to face them yet and I don't even know what to say. You know, like if you've been not talking for few weeks, and suddenly facing each other, its awkward right? Well, I'm very awkward person somehow and I can't help it. Plus, I'm feeling guilt that you know, I've done lots of terrible things to her especially. I was thinking not to go and sit there with them at Mak Ulit house but my heart said otherwise. So I go but  we didn't interact with each other. She just talk to Inut and Inut talk to her only. We don't even look at each other direction but pshh... who am I to say this? I should be the one who start the conversation, am I? but I didn't. Why? because I'm ashamed to face them. Because I feel like I'm the one who causing us all to be apart like this. No matter how you want to put it, it always came back to me. I'm the one who cause them to be apart and well, it's what I do best. I hurt people. And well, what trigger me to cut again this morning is that... well, I've told you that I know her secret blog, ight? so this morning, I suddenly have the urge to know what she's been writing so I've found out that she hates me and she said I'm being hypocrite and all. well, maybe I am. I won't deny that because I'm a big two face.

Well, I've screenshot it alright? It's not like she's gonna read this anyway since she hates me and all. well, I don't blame her for hating me somehow. She have all the right to hate me. I've hurt her millions of time and maybe I'm one of the reason of her depression and all. I make her feel bad and I'm very out of control from my ego-self. I hurt her so much that I can't even blame her or hell,  I can't even say that I hate her. She's like the most last person that I can hate. Hell... What can I do now? Nothing. that is all I can do. Nothing. I can't hate her and hell, I don't know. I don't know anymore. Maybe I deserve this. I'm hated by everybody. I knew it. But what can I do? Well, maybe I make her think that I hate her. But if it the best for her, then let it be that way. Let her hate me because I deserve that. She deserve someone much better than I am to be friend with. She deserve lots better. I'm just, you know... All I do is hurt her. I brought tears to her eyes, I even make  her life hell. I don't even deserve any forgiveness from her and hell, I don't deserve anything from her. Maybe it's time for her to go and find someone better. I'm just a burden to her life and I can't change for who I am. I hate the new me, but this is what I want to be. I choose this new me. I pretend like everything is okay because I'm through with people pitying me. telling me that they understand when they understand nothing, saying that everything will be okay when I'm clearly know that nothing will be fine.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I've bought her Nyanko-sensei plushies and some useful book that I think can help her going through her depression and suicidal thought. And I don't know how I'm going to give her these  item tomorrow. Maybe I'll stop by for short time after class and ask her mom to pass it to her. I don't know. or maybe if my mom or mak ulit or even uncle spone going there tomorrow *if there will be some party* Maybe I'll let them to pass it for me. I won't show up somehow. I mean, why the hell should I be there if I'm not even wanted, like sincerely wanted to be there? I'll be called a hypocrite for more if I did that. If this means the end of us, then let it be. As long as she's happy, then it's mean everything to me. I'll find the way to get through this. I'll be fine. This I can promise.

and then, that Saturday as well I found out that my brother is involving with another new bad cases. I'm not sure what it is but I know he is. I was reloading my mom phone and I saw a message from his friend saying like, "dude, I'm out of the stuff, I'll try to ask the other dude if he still got some. I'll tell him to save some for us," or something like that... and well, I didn't tell mum about the message because I can't let her worry anymore. And well, since she care too much about my brother, her motherly-instinct is right. She told me that she's suspecting him that he is indeed getting involve with something bad again. Well, there goes my happy ending. ahaha :D once a drug-dealer, always a drug-dealer, eh? and well, I'm readying myself to receive tantrums from mum again like before. like throwing all her anger about my brother to me, finding my mistakes and stuff. Heh, I can imagine it already. If it help her to be okay, then I'll accept the term and conditions. kekeke :) Well, umm.... not even good music can help me right now. except for Of Mice & Men since I really need the screams because it feel like Austin is defining my anger, hatred, the screams inside me... He representing it all. And I was thinking to tell Jon about everything but then again, I don't want to. She gone through a lot lately and I don't want to be burden to her. Even sis Lalan, I won't tell her anything anymore. I'll just keep pretending that I'm alright now, that i'm cool and awesome. Since that what I do best. I'm such a good pretender. hehehei :)

The deeper it get
The better I feel
The blood dripping along with the cold water
My eyes follows every drop 
As my mind went empty
I feel nothing
I feel numb
But I feel fine

My anger is gone
My sadness is gone
I'm all numb
But I'm alright

I hurt to many people
I've been a bad guy
This is the punishment 
That I deserve so badly

I can't stop
and I won't stop myself from hurting me
This is what I deserve
for all the sins I've done
to those I love the most
This is my punishment.

I'll let the world be fool
By this hypocritic smile of mine
No one should ever knowing
how hard it is for me to be fake

But if it bring good to them
let me be fake for a moment
if everything will be okay
let just see if I can even hold on
till that precious day to come.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)