Hello there. Again, I feel like repeating myself saying that I'm not okay. hahaha yeah, i guess my life is like a broken record or something. It's like I'm stuck here hahaha but yeah, like people said; just keep believing and things will be okay. I don't know if it true or not but I did it and taadah! I'm back to square one. So, I don't know what to believe anymore. I still have hope and looking forward for the future because I'm the curious one. I'm curious about what will happen next in my life. Is this going to be circling around or will something good happen to me like everyone keep saying?

I don't know hell I'm curious. I'm curious if I can score my upcoming exam? Will I ever make my parent happy? or will I ever meet my true love? pfft. Well, soulmates? I believe I've found one but yeah, *shrugs* I think I'm not a good soulmates for her though. Yeah, my soulmates. I believe it was my sister as well as my one true best friend. You know who. My dude of course. hahaha But yeah, so far... I think all I ever did to her was nothing but a misery. I've hurt her so much that I eventually come to hate myself even more each and every second I think about how many times I hurt her. Maybe like people said like; you'll hurt the one who love the most. Maybe that saying is true but I don't want that. I don't mind if I'm the one who is being hurt here, she's being hurt is the last thing I ever wanted. If its mean my death can bring her happiness, then with pleasure I'll slit my self hahaha just kidding. I think my death won't bring her happiness. Maybe? hahaha *ahem* anyway, back to the real topic here. I honestly said that I really do sometimes have the thought of committing suicide. Yes, in fact I've just thought about it a couple of minutes ago. I make this sounds like I'm joking but I'm not honestly. I've just cut myself a bit deeper than I usually did. I've stopped the bleeding, I wash the blood but it still flowing a bit, so I let it there and now it's dried up and stick on my skin. Or in simple word, the blood clotted. So, it eventually stopped the bleeding and I'll just wash it tomorrow.

*sighs* I'm not sure if I know what I did is right or wrong anymore. I know it wrong but it feel so right, you know. Like, I don't know. hahahaha I'm sorry. I'm still suck at explaining so, I apologised. Um, well... I've been breaking down to the point that I'm so very tired of crying every single time I stepped into the shower room. I'm freaking tired of curling down on the floor, crying my heart out but carefully not to let my voice out so my mom wouldn't know that I'm breaking down. I don't want to worry her more than she has. She's carry so much burdened and worries already. But you know, at times like this, you know what I really need?
I need someone who just stay by my side, buy me ice cream or just sit there to do their own work as if I'm not there. No need to talk to me or hug me or anything. Just be there while I cry my tears out and breaking down. hahahaha that's all I need. But yeah, reality hurt. hahahaha that's only happen in a movie I think.

There's so many things that happen in my life right now and hell yeah I want to give up so badly but I guess, I'm still holding on to that one thing. the continuation of Levedad. HAHAHAHA just kidding. Not that, I'm just kidding. I'm sorry. That not even funny, I know hahahaha *ahem* well, honestly. The one that keep me going everytime is of course, Sis Jaba. hahahaha I know I don't show or tell her about this because I... Ya know, I've hurt her so much and if I tell her this, she'll be like, BULLSHIT. hahahahaha yeah, well... like I said; reality hurt. hahahaha Um... Well, I just want to like ya know, convince her that she's a very great writer and that she's honestly my most favourite writer like ever. And yeah, everytime I feel like shutting down myself from the world or anyone, I always read Levedad: the renewal vampire prophecy ahahahaha sometimes I tell her and sometimes I don't. So I think I've been reading that story like 34958934 times now hahahaha XD shhh. I can even recite each and every words now hahahahaha just kidding, I have the memory of goldfish.

Then, I want to tell her that she need to push herself more and believe in herself more that she can do whatever she want. She's wayyy capable of doing great things if she let herself too. I hope that she realized how great she is. But if only I'm just this good with words than writing here. I'm just pathetic. hahahaha I mean... Well, I know that I look so creepy right now because I look up to her so much but honestly, she's like the only person that can catch up with me and accept me for me. But I guess I pushed her away so many time that we now, I feel that we're reaching the point where I think I should back up a bit and well, ya know... create a boundries between us, make space because I've been invading some personal space and I think we need to get away from each other. I need to get away from her. She deserve someone better than me though. I'm annoying, pathetic, a cutter, always breaking down and say depressing things. I don't deserve her. No, I never do. But I chase after her and eventually that was the worst decision I've made. I make her life hell. I hurt her so much and here I am, saying that I need her. Then why did I hurt her at the first place? I'm just fucked up bitch, ain't I?

it hurt so bad you know... because at some point I feel like she'll going to let me go or started to hate me because of what I've done. Well, I do deserve it but dude, hahaha reality hurt. HAHAHA eugh. If well, let say that one day; this moment where she'll gonna start to hate me, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to stay. Even right now, I'm already this weak and broken so badly like this. I almost let my suicidal thought overcome me. If mayday parade didn't shouted "Please Stay" just now, I think I might done it. Not dying but yeah, cut deeper than usual. And if the short moment of an inner voice asking me like,"If you kill yourself, then what about those who loves you?" I don't know where that voice coming from but I guess it was I don't know; it is safe if I said it's an angel that spoke to me? hahahah okay so, after that question, there's flows of human faces hit my mind box like; mom, dad, sis jaba, jonjon, inut, rania, and zara and more. *deep breathes*

But then, there's mom. Everytime my fucking brother make her mad, she always said like if this is continously happening, this will cause death to her and she said it so many time and I just- I don't know. hahahaha every time she said this, my head goes blank. If that idiot cause her sick, the one who should be dead is him. seriously. hahahaha Okay.

and then, since yesterday... I was babysitting Zara. I don't know why Zara being so clingy to me in this few days but man, maybe baby are like dogs like they can sense that I'm breaking apart inside. So, its like she's being so clingy and cute with me. Even Hey, Rania too ya know. These two idjits hahahaha seriously did a miracle to me. Yesterday, I was accompany Zara watching her favourite cartoon while rania was sleeping. So, as she was so focused with her cartoon, I stared at her and I thought like; well, what will they think if I end myself right now? Will they cry? and will they ask their mom one day, when they grew up and they stumble on my pictures; will they ask like, mom, who is she? why I never see her? *sighs* so I'll be missing a lot of stuff about these girls. they're annoying and spoilt but at times, they can be adorable too. So I thought, will it worth it of commiting suicide? then, rania woke up and the first thing she did was looking at me and then rolled herself towards me and lay down soo close beside me. She even let me hug her from behind and that time I realize that I really do love them both and I want to watch them grow up.

I lives for another day. Wala! hahaha but then, the suicide thought came up to me again today and here I am. I've survived another day. hahahaha I guess writing is always helping eh? Hmm... I should do this often. Sometimes, I wonder what make me so breaking down like this. Because sometimes, it just hit me like a thunder storm.

Oh, before I forgot. while I was crying in the shower just now, I've been trying to talk to Father. Well, I don't mind if he can't hear me because I'm sure He's busy and there's lots of people who need Him more than me. So, I just say like; I just need to talk to someone because I don't know who I can talk to with, without end up hurting them. I'm just so tired hurting people around me with my problems. And I'm sorry that I've making Him like my second choice it just that I don't feel like I deserved Him. I know that He's full of love and forgiveness but sometimes, because of things I've done and all the sins I've committed, I just don't think that I deserve His love at all. But I really want it, I want to be loved by Him and accepted by Him. I need Him in my life because I don't want to be the lost sheep. But I'm already losing it. I fucked up too much that I'm at point where I hurt myself.

Wow, look at the time. hahahaha I should go now. I guess. My head went blank right now and I can't think in english anymore hahahaha :)
I hope things will get better for me tomorrow.
I'm really sorry to everyone.
I'm sorry for existing. hahahaha yeah, I mean it actually.

So, see ya :)

P.S let your smile cover up Your tears. :)

If I die (I'm so sorry)

:And so, this isn't a suicide note. Just to clear things up, lately I've been thinking of suicide and writing a suicide note as well. but well, something tick in my head telling that maybe I should just write one note. A 'suicide' note and maybe it would help out to ya know like taking my mind off suicide for a while. Well, I guess I'll just give it a try. And well, if it's not working, then... I could just used this one up. hahaha recycle.  Anyway, yeah:

If I die,
please tell my mom that I really care about her
tell her that I'm sorry for not able stay besides her
tell her how sorry I am for not being a good daughter
tell her that I love her the most

If I die,
please tell my dad that I'm sorry for everything I've done
Everything I've said may have hurt him so much
things that I've done must have break him at some point
tell him that I always love him no matter what

If I die,
please tell my dude that I appreciate everything she's done
tell her that she's meant so much to me
but she's done enough now and I guess this is good bye
tell her that I love her the most and
please tell her that I thanked her the most for keeping me going for this whole years

I've thought about this for a while now
and I guess it's time for me to walk away
I can't bear to hurt anyone anymore
because it's seems like the only things that I'm good at

I'm sorry for lying to everyone
I'm sorry for trying
I'm sorry for being alive
breathing the same air
when I don't even deserve it at all
I'm sorry for all the things I've said
I'm sorry for being a bad friend
and being a bad student
I'm sorry for my existence
I'm so sorry,..

If I die,
please tell my imouto that I love her
tell her; thank you for always talking to me
tell her that all her secrets is safe with me
that I'll be taking along to my grave now.
tell her to be strong and
that I'm sorry I can't stay longer besides her
to listen to all her rants anymore.
I'm sorry I can't stay.

If I die,
please tell my sisters that I love them so much
I'm sorry for keeping this dark side of me from them
I'm sorry I didn't open up to them
and asking for advices from them
tell them that I thanked them for love me for who I am
thank you for caring for me
and tell them that they're the best sister that anyone could ever wish for

If I die,
please tell my nephew that I love him
his adorableness never fail to keep me going
his attitude never fail to make me smile and mad at the same time
thank you for coming to my life
and thank you for your existence that I believe
you can erase the pain and loneliness
that my parent will felt
once I'm no longer part of this world.

If I die,
please tell both of my nieces; that I love them both
on the day they were brought to this world
I see the small light of hope in front of me
and that their life had given me hope and purpose of going on
I'm sorry that I can't watch them both grow
I'm sorry that I can't watch them going to college
or talk about their girly secrets.
I'm sorry I can't be the best aunt for them

and If I die,
please tell my bestfriend that thank you for staying with me
even though she know how fucked up I am,
she still choose to stay.
I'm sorry that I can't keep my promise
I'm sorry that I lied to her saying that I've stop hurting myself
Thank you for being part of my life
Just tell her that she's like a sister to me.

I guess this is good bye now.
This feeling I felt is growing
I can't hold it anymore
I'm weak and it's suffocating me
I need to end this now.
Thank you for being here with me.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you and;
Good bye.


Well, hello there. I didn't have a great day today. It just things happen and I relapsed. Um, honestly, I started to relapse since yesterday and it just man... I'm just not sure anymore. Things are getting worst and worst everyday and even worst is today. I don't know if it a good news or a bad news. Hell, I don't even know what is wrong or right anymore. I'm not in the right mind, honestly. I'm losing myself.

Today, a pos laju stop by the house to post a letter from the anti-drug division (ya know what i mean? hahaha) to my idiot brother. They mentioned something about him didn't report himself for 2 years now and if he unable to show up soon, they're going to arrest him and he'll be imprisoned for 3 years. Um... Yeah, well I guess it's a good thing. I THOUGHT it was a good thing but dude, it wasn't that simple. my hand shaky hahaha I;m sorry. Um... Well, the thing is that. How my idiot brother reacted to the letter it just making my anxiety resurfacing you see and I'm itched to cut myself to calm my shit down. I don't want to lose control in front of my mom.

Plus, when I give him the money just now, he said something like, "Why the fuck is mom so fucking busy body, involving with those ADD shit?!" well, sort of. Um, I Just I don't know. I'm worried about mom ya know. Tomorrow I'll be in school for the whole day and she's alone. and possibly, that idiot will be home too and I mean, what if he's so angry about that letter and people gonna arrest him and he'll harm mom? what if he did something bad to her when I'm not around? I know that Mak ulit and they all there next door but what if that time there's no one at home and she's all alone with that fucker? just what if????
He's a fucking drug addict. I'm sure you're aware how aggressive and harmful they can be, right? Anything is possible. I mean, there's so many news about these shitty people harm people close to them. Some even dare to murder. I know I should think like this but I just can't help it.

Mom is sick right now and god. I'm seriously worried right now and it just god. I want to cry but I can't. My tears wouldn't come out. My chest feel so tight and I'm suffocated. I dont know anymore. My head is a mess, I'm a mess, I just want to cut the shit out.

And yesterday, also it was because of that fucker. I'm so fucking angry at him ya know. It's like, how in the fucking world can he treat mom like a slave like like he CALLED her, and told her to turn off the fucking wifi modem. I mean, that fucking modem is like IN FRONT OF HIS FUCKING DOOR. god. I just, EUGH.
He always treated mom like that, and yelled at her for no reason, blaming her for something she didn't do. OH MY GOD> I FUCKING HATE THAT GUY. EUGH.

I can't deal with him anymore. I really can't. I wish he died or rotten in jail or something. Just as long as he's not anywhere near me or mom or my family. But he's better off dead.

First Free Saturday :)

Greetings, humanoid! Today is Saturday YAY! my first free saturday. Yep, because last few weeks I was pretty occupied with my assignment and school stuff. SO, this saturday is my very first saturday that I don't really have to think about assignment. Yay Me! hahaha well, there's only one more assignment to do, Business Math Assignment but I think it's pretty easy to do because all I need to do is applying in the formulae and Tadah! it's done hehehe :)

Anyway, right now I'm actually waiting for Lalan to fetch me. We're going to have movie marathon today. Annabelle and Dracula: Untold yep! it's a bit of celebration for my freedom and her second birthday present yeah~! XD

I was inviting sis Jaba to join us but she said she doesn't want too so yeah, well. Maybe next time. She told me that she doesn't wanna too because she wanna take a break and then I told her like, I'll be the one who's driving and she need a little fun and she said No. I don't really mind if she said no it just that, she doesn't have to raise her voice after the second time I ask her to join us. it's pretty hurtful hahaha but yeah, I guess it's my own fault for ya know, being pushy about it. Oh well. Note to self hahaha :) I have a fragile heart.

And yeah, my English presentation went well and people praised my work on slide. they said my team slide are very cute hahahaha XD well, I can't help it because I'm weak for cute stuff. hahahaha :) And then, after we all done with the presentation; because one of my classmates were presenting about cosmetic surgery. So, there this one time my english teacher said like "I don't get it why people are soo obsess of being someone else or trying to be someone they're not. Changing their outlook because they want to be that person; do cosmetic surgery, dying their hair (and this part, she glanced at me), no offence to those who dye your hair. Why dont they just being themselves?" she said that. I'm like, dude.

why are you so judgemental. hahaha But I keep my mouth shut and just let her babbling about her opinion. I know, and I'm agree with her that originality is everything and accept yourself well is very important. But she must know that people have different approached in keeping their own originality. In my case, I dye my hair not because I wanna be like Demi Lovato or Kpop artist; not that I want the attention nor I want to stand out. I dye my hair because I want it too. I want my hair blue and I love it. If she have problem with it, its her problem not mine. It's not that I'm dye-ing her hair anyway. hahahaha. Its what I called self-expression. I do what I want and what I like.

But yeah, then I'm like, yeah whatever you said. She have her own opinion and she voicing her opinion's out. I know she's very straight forward kind of person. So, I'm not blaming her for anything. It just, I'm a bit offended. hahaha seriously. I'm doing it because I want not because I want to be anyone. but what to do? Like I said, different people have different perspective. So I'm just going to respect her opinion about it (^__^)v

I mean, when I dyed my hair blue, I'm sure that some people will like it and some people will criticise it. So, I'm pretty ready with all of it hahaha :)

Oh, oh. this reminds me of there this one time in class. These group of cool kid in the class we;re like, showing a picture of a corpse that have their head blown off and the brain is scattered all over the floor to my friends, ellan and shock hui. It's pretty gore picture I must say. And my friends were like, ewwww and then he show me the picture, and I'm like "Oh..., is the face exploded?" in my normal face and he was like, "What?"
and then the only girl in their group be like, *gasped* "She just said "oh" to the picture!!" to the one who say I look like panda last time hahaha and then the other guy be like, saying something in chinese to Ellan. then shock hui, translate it to me and she said, "He just said, why are you so cool."
And I'm like, "Wait what? what so cool about me??" and then they all be like, "You are cool."
I'm like well thanks? I guesS? hahahaha. and then the guy that show the pic to me is like, "I really like your attitude," I'm like, thanks man. hahahaha

Well, honestly. I'm not cool or anything. It just that I've been playing gore video games since forever. It's like Gore is part of my life. I even read gore manga and gore anime hahahaha and gore movie. So, exploded face or brain scattered all over the floor is like normal stuff for me. Unless its happen in front me, maybe I would freak out. Like seriously. hahaha :)
The only thing that scarred me right now is Jack-chan and gang rape manga. Oh my god. I can't read all that. I just can't. hahahahahahaha *cries* My heart still break eventhough Jack-chan is just from the manga but *sighs* Let's stop talking about it. I dont wanna cry for the third time for Jack-chan. hahaha :)

And so, I'm start to write again. Yeah, Well actually I'm just continuing my unfinished story. hahahaha I really love that story and how the past me has written it. So, I'll just do my best and hopefully I can finish it off this by this year. YEAH! I can't wait. this is my goals for this year. hhehehe :) 

and Oh, my final exam will be on the first week of next month. So, I'm so fired up to get good grades. I'm going to study well this time and I want to get A's or at least B's for this exams. I want to score and to prove my parent that they can really count on me. I think learning is fun. hahaha yes, I really love learning. It just the matter of procrastination and lazy-bones. Taking notes is fun you know. hahahaha :)

So, I'm gonna do my best to get great marks. I don't want to think about my 8 week holiday for now because it will kill my enthusiasm to study hahahaha and OH, i think I'm gonna have my japanese class next year! YAY! I can't wait! hahahaha I wanna learn japanese so bad because I wanna be able to play those otome game that haven't translated into english and watching anime without the subtitles hahahahahahaha can you imagine how wonderful that will be????? HAHAHAHA

and then, this year. I might started my dream to be a cosplayer. hehehe yeah! I'm going to lose few KG of course because I'm about thiiiiiis close of obesity hahahaha I'm just gonna lose about 3 to 5 kg. I mean, 65 kg is already hard to achieve okay? hahahaha I don't mind anymore about my size or anything. It just that I don't want to be obesity hahahaha :)

 I guess, it's time for me to stop writing. I'll be writing soon. So, bye bye for now!

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

I think this post is great to be read when I'm feeling down hahaha :)

Hello again. I'm back and I'm pretty in a good mood because I've found few good music for my ears and some even helping to lift up my downfall mood hahaha yeah, "music heals" people said and it's true. I feel great about myself, my life and everything is great. Well, minus assignment. I haven't started doing anything yet. I was thinking of starting by today but meh. I will, but not now. hahahaha
     I'm sorry for being lazy-bump but well, not really sorry hahaha :D anyway, I'm feeling in the best mood today unlike my other days where I have to fake my laugh, pretending that I'm not annoyed with every small things hahaha yeah, it's pretty hard to do but when you did it very often, you'll get used to it and sometimes, it just become part of you. You wouldn't know anymore if it you pretending or it's really is you. Well, I want to be the real me you know. It's not too late for everything. I wanna change. I want to be able to express out what I really feel; what I like and what I dislike. It's okay to hurt people sometimes. We lived to be hurt. It's more tiring to please people. It is time for us to stand up for ourselves. It's not going to be easy and some people will not like it but what do I expect? Nothing is never easy. I'm worn of pleasing people and being used. I'm tired of doing something I don't like and I'm so freaking tired of complaining. Who cares if they don't like me? I'm just being me, right? If they don't like me if I'm starting be me, then that's mean they never really like me.
But the real problem here is that; I don't really know who I am. hahahaha yeah, that's the real problems. It's like, sometimes I think I'm brave but actually I'm a coward. Sometimes I think I'm strong but honestly I'm just the weakest person ever. Sometimes I think I'm not much of a talker, but honestly I talked a lot.

So, it's pretty confusing. Sometimes, I feel like I'm cool but I'm just a loser. So yeah... hahahaha But I don't want to be a loser though. I want to be the best I can. Well, I want to beat my old self. I want to beat me in my grade, my attitudes, my everything. I wanna be the right person for my parent. I don't wanna be emo-self that always looking down at myself, I want to start over. It's never too late to start over. Like people said, "New day, new beginning."
I want to be stronger that I used too, I want to have stronger faith towards me and our Father. I want to lessen my self-depreciating and I wish not to dwell myself too much about my weight or the fats on my butt and my stomach. I want to be able to feel how it's feels like to be confident and accept yourself as you are. I'm not a super model, I don't have to be pretty or anything. It's the knowledge that's count. And about love, I don't want to think about that first. I mean, I just want to focus on loving myself first and love those who is around me. Less hate, less complaining. Just enjoy the ride. I know, I've been saying that I hated my brother a lot. But well, and believe it or not. There this one quote from the bible which saying, "Love your enemies, and pray for those who prosecuted you," and it's like keep on lingering on my head and then I stumbled upon it few times in some social network. So, I'm taking it as a sign from Him. I'm going to try to forgive my brother and my dad, well. Not try, but will do my best to forgive them and accept them slowly. No matter what they've done, I'm sure they deserved all the forgiveness.
I want to be free.
Yes, I want to be free!
Not free, free like no value. hahahaha anyway. That's what my life goals now. hahaha :)

Anyway, I've been lurking in my Google Drive and I've read a few of my stories and man, cursed my old-self for not finishing all the stories god damn it. hahahaha XD I REALLY LOVE MY OWN STORY MY GOD. hahahaha I sound narcissistic but dude, seriously! hahahaha I really love some of the stories. Yeah, not all of it is my favourite I only have around 3 favourite out of 20 draft I saved in the GDrive. hahahaha

The first one is the Last Descendant. I'm sure I've said this before I think. hahahaha But dude~ I really love the story. I DEMAND FOR CHAPTER TWO hahhahahaha XD *sighs* My heart hurt hahahahaha and and there's another one, the emo story, I don't think I have the title sorted yet because in the draft, I named the doc as yehhhhhh HAHAHAHA shush, I'm very creative okay? hahahaha XD I think I have like 4 drafts for the same plot story but of all of the drafts, I like the very one. Ngh! I can feel the feelings! I don't care if people think otherwise but man, that was the best! I will try to work with that one day. Well, I guess I'll work with it when I'm having my end-year holiday YAY! hahahahahaha XD And then, there's this SEAMUS thing, the uh Nu ABO (new blood) and I think it's another Levedad's AU im writing hahahaha but that one cool too ya know. It's the best of the best gahhh! XDDD

But yeah, speaking of writing. I'm going to write and write and write my story even though no one will even bother have a peek on it, no matter how lousy my english is and how fucked up my grammar is. I just want to write for my future self. Like this! God! I'm soo mad at my past-self. Y U NO FINISH?! hahahahaha
*inhale*outhale* anyway, I'm so going to write hahahaha :) That's my mission.

Okay, so. My finals is around but I'm having one week study break so I'm not that worry hahahahaha I'll make sure I'll study for my finals this time. Since I'm starting my degree now, it's no more time for all play. I mean, I'm going to balance my time with work and play. I'll bring disgrace to my family if I keep on playing and playing. I'm getting rid of people who I don't think is necessary to be kept around because I want to be happy. I may sounds selfish, but dude. I'm doing it for my own. Well, of course, I'm only getting rid of those who I've been giving like 100 chances. hahahaha yeah, I realized that being the good guy eventually meaning "digging your own grave". But it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop being the good guy, I am still being the good guy but well, half-half I guess hahahaha :)

Oh Yuri, you're so sexy haahahaha *ahem* anyway, so.... I'm gonna have my life organized and move forward. Be strong and don't let anyone messing with me anymore because I'm sure that I'm better than this. I'm better than what I used to be and I can do whatever I want, and I know my limits is. I'm confident, I'm smart, I'm thoughtful, I'm eager to learn, I'm a good person, I'm strong, and I'm pretty cute hahahaha XD and not to forget, I love myself, I love my body, I love all the curves and weight is just a number; it doesn't define who I am. I am me and no one can tell me otherwise. I control my life because i can. It's my life and I'm free to live it however I want to.
Hah! I feel better hahahahaha
anyway, I gotta go now. So, I'll update soon~! Adieu <3

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

I wish to disappear.

Hello again! Today i'm updating through my phone because I kinda feel a bit down right now and like i don't want to touch my lappy at all hahaha but i have to touch it sometimes soon because i need to do my assignment and some shits related to school. Anyway, today nothing extravagant happens it just that i'm having my SM midterm and man i'm so exhausted. I don't want to set anything for my marks because i know i fucked up somewhere so meh. 

School is a bit stressing me out because mom now started to repeating the shits like study hard, study hard, study hard and bleh bleh bleh... I'm like dude, i woke up like around 3 or 4 in the morning, doing my notes, reading those shits and having sleep less than 3 hours for  two days out of all the seven days in a week. What do you think i'm doing? *sighs* I have my own pace in studying and i'm so tired. And everytime i came home, i feel exhausted. If only she knew that school is fucking tiring. Yes, all i did in class is like sitting there and listening to what the lecturer is telling me but dude, i'm not exhausted physically, it's mentally. *sighs*
But what's the point of complaining.

And then, I'm started to get bad again. I have the urge to cut again and my paranoia and anxiety is back again. My slef-hate as well making their comeback stage. I hate my stomach gosh. I seriously hate it but not as much as i hate my fucking butts. They're so huge and i'm so embarrassed of it. *sighs* i think i'll try to skip some meals starting tomorrow and since I have like 4 days of holiday; i'll used that time as the opportunity. Hahahaha :) yeah. I'm gonna do that. I mean, not that i'm obsessed to be slim like that. It just, all my clothes is no longer fits me and then even worst, the only trousers that fits me is the maroon one. Gosh. I have nothing to wear. 

And also I can't help it but to be convinced that Aki-chan doesn't really want to talk to me or anything. Well, she does talking to me but meh. She just want to respect sis Jaba, that is why she's forcing herself to talk to me. I realized that she took longer time to reply my chat compare to sis Jaba's chat and sometimes even ignored me but meh. I know i'm not interesting enough or know what to talk about and shits like that. I know i'm not funny and i'm always so emo like that and I don't really watch animes and I don't know a lot about anime and shits and i'm not a biggest fans of yaoi and all sort of that shit. I understand that but meh. Whatever. Not gonna tell anyone about it, this is my bad side that is talking so, yeah. Meh.

Also. I'm not sure anymore if anyone is sincerely wants me to stay in their kife or they actually Don't want me too but they just want to respect my feelings. I keep on saying this but for me, word is just a word. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to believe words from people and there's time I wanna rolled my eyes. Hahahaha but yeah... I appreciate all the talkings and shit like that. It just that, i want people to chase me ya know. Like, i don't know. do something that can prove and show me that they were sincerely care? 

I wish to disappear for few days or month or years sometimes. Without telling anyone about it and see who is actually care to look for me. I sometimes wish that I've study aboard. I guess life will be much easier for me? I just wanna get out you know. All this shit. It just suffocating me. *sighs* 
After posting this. I'm gonna have to put up a fake smile and laugh as if i enjoy every moment when honestly, i just want to disappear.