I don't know hell I'm curious. I'm curious if I can score my upcoming exam? Will I ever make my parent happy? or will I ever meet my true love? pfft. Well, soulmates? I believe I've found one but yeah, *shrugs* I think I'm not a good soulmates for her though. Yeah, my soulmates. I believe it was my sister as well as my one true best friend. You know who. My dude of course. hahaha But yeah, so far... I think all I ever did to her was nothing but a misery. I've hurt her so much that I eventually come to hate myself even more each and every second I think about how many times I hurt her. Maybe like people said like; you'll hurt the one who love the most. Maybe that saying is true but I don't want that. I don't mind if I'm the one who is being hurt here, she's being hurt is the last thing I ever wanted. If its mean my death can bring her happiness, then with pleasure I'll slit my self hahaha just kidding. I think my death won't bring her happiness. Maybe? hahaha *ahem* anyway, back to the real topic here. I honestly said that I really do sometimes have the thought of committing suicide. Yes, in fact I've just thought about it a couple of minutes ago. I make this sounds like I'm joking but I'm not honestly. I've just cut myself a bit deeper than I usually did. I've stopped the bleeding, I wash the blood but it still flowing a bit, so I let it there and now it's dried up and stick on my skin. Or in simple word, the blood clotted. So, it eventually stopped the bleeding and I'll just wash it tomorrow.
*sighs* I'm not sure if I know what I did is right or wrong anymore. I know it wrong but it feel so right, you know. Like, I don't know. hahahaha I'm sorry. I'm still suck at explaining so, I apologised. Um, well... I've been breaking down to the point that I'm so very tired of crying every single time I stepped into the shower room. I'm freaking tired of curling down on the floor, crying my heart out but carefully not to let my voice out so my mom wouldn't know that I'm breaking down. I don't want to worry her more than she has. She's carry so much burdened and worries already. But you know, at times like this, you know what I really need?
I need someone who just stay by my side, buy me ice cream or just sit there to do their own work as if I'm not there. No need to talk to me or hug me or anything. Just be there while I cry my tears out and breaking down. hahahaha that's all I need. But yeah, reality hurt. hahahaha that's only happen in a movie I think.
There's so many things that happen in my life right now and hell yeah I want to give up so badly but I guess, I'm still holding on to that one thing. the continuation of Levedad. HAHAHAHA just kidding. Not that, I'm just kidding. I'm sorry. That not even funny, I know hahahaha *ahem* well, honestly. The one that keep me going everytime is of course, Sis Jaba. hahahaha I know I don't show or tell her about this because I... Ya know, I've hurt her so much and if I tell her this, she'll be like, BULLSHIT. hahahahaha yeah, well... like I said; reality hurt. hahahaha Um... Well, I just want to like ya know, convince her that she's a very great writer and that she's honestly my most favourite writer like ever. And yeah, everytime I feel like shutting down myself from the world or anyone, I always read Levedad: the renewal vampire prophecy ahahahaha sometimes I tell her and sometimes I don't. So I think I've been reading that story like 34958934 times now hahahaha XD shhh. I can even recite each and every words now hahahahaha just kidding, I have the memory of goldfish.
Then, I want to tell her that she need to push herself more and believe in herself more that she can do whatever she want. She's wayyy capable of doing great things if she let herself too. I hope that she realized how great she is. But if only I'm just this good with words than writing here. I'm just pathetic. hahahaha I mean... Well, I know that I look so creepy right now because I look up to her so much but honestly, she's like the only person that can catch up with me and accept me for me. But I guess I pushed her away so many time that we now, I feel that we're reaching the point where I think I should back up a bit and well, ya know... create a boundries between us, make space because I've been invading some personal space and I think we need to get away from each other. I need to get away from her. She deserve someone better than me though. I'm annoying, pathetic, a cutter, always breaking down and say depressing things. I don't deserve her. No, I never do. But I chase after her and eventually that was the worst decision I've made. I make her life hell. I hurt her so much and here I am, saying that I need her. Then why did I hurt her at the first place? I'm just fucked up bitch, ain't I?
it hurt so bad you know... because at some point I feel like she'll going to let me go or started to hate me because of what I've done. Well, I do deserve it but dude, hahaha reality hurt. HAHAHA eugh. If well, let say that one day; this moment where she'll gonna start to hate me, I don't know if I'll be strong enough to stay. Even right now, I'm already this weak and broken so badly like this. I almost let my suicidal thought overcome me. If mayday parade didn't shouted "Please Stay" just now, I think I might done it. Not dying but yeah, cut deeper than usual. And if the short moment of an inner voice asking me like,"If you kill yourself, then what about those who loves you?" I don't know where that voice coming from but I guess it was I don't know; it is safe if I said it's an angel that spoke to me? hahahah okay so, after that question, there's flows of human faces hit my mind box like; mom, dad, sis jaba, jonjon, inut, rania, and zara and more. *deep breathes*
But then, there's mom. Everytime my fucking brother make her mad, she always said like if this is continously happening, this will cause death to her and she said it so many time and I just- I don't know. hahahaha every time she said this, my head goes blank. If that idiot cause her sick, the one who should be dead is him. seriously. hahahaha Okay.
and then, since yesterday... I was babysitting Zara. I don't know why Zara being so clingy to me in this few days but man, maybe baby are like dogs like they can sense that I'm breaking apart inside. So, its like she's being so clingy and cute with me. Even Hey, Rania too ya know. These two idjits hahahaha seriously did a miracle to me. Yesterday, I was accompany Zara watching her favourite cartoon while rania was sleeping. So, as she was so focused with her cartoon, I stared at her and I thought like; well, what will they think if I end myself right now? Will they cry? and will they ask their mom one day, when they grew up and they stumble on my pictures; will they ask like, mom, who is she? why I never see her? *sighs* so I'll be missing a lot of stuff about these girls. they're annoying and spoilt but at times, they can be adorable too. So I thought, will it worth it of commiting suicide? then, rania woke up and the first thing she did was looking at me and then rolled herself towards me and lay down soo close beside me. She even let me hug her from behind and that time I realize that I really do love them both and I want to watch them grow up.
I lives for another day. Wala! hahaha but then, the suicide thought came up to me again today and here I am. I've survived another day. hahahaha I guess writing is always helping eh? Hmm... I should do this often. Sometimes, I wonder what make me so breaking down like this. Because sometimes, it just hit me like a thunder storm.
Oh, before I forgot. while I was crying in the shower just now, I've been trying to talk to Father. Well, I don't mind if he can't hear me because I'm sure He's busy and there's lots of people who need Him more than me. So, I just say like; I just need to talk to someone because I don't know who I can talk to with, without end up hurting them. I'm just so tired hurting people around me with my problems. And I'm sorry that I've making Him like my second choice it just that I don't feel like I deserved Him. I know that He's full of love and forgiveness but sometimes, because of things I've done and all the sins I've committed, I just don't think that I deserve His love at all. But I really want it, I want to be loved by Him and accepted by Him. I need Him in my life because I don't want to be the lost sheep. But I'm already losing it. I fucked up too much that I'm at point where I hurt myself.
Wow, look at the time. hahahaha I should go now. I guess. My head went blank right now and I can't think in english anymore hahahaha :)
I hope things will get better for me tomorrow.
I'm really sorry to everyone.
I'm sorry for existing. hahahaha yeah, I mean it actually.
So, see ya :)
P.S let your smile cover up Your tears. :)