Part Ten: Maybe I'm Just Weak.

Hey~ it's been a while. Yeah, I'm pretty busy lately and yeah, I'm having a little bit of mental breakdown. hahahahahaha *sighs* I shouldn't laugh but it's sound funny to me hahaha it's slightly reminds me of Block B song, Mental Breaker~! hahaha *cough* anyway, I've break the record. Yosh! I was free from self-cutting for like about a week and a half but then, bad news; I relapsed. I've cut again since yesterday. *sighs* I really don't know why I'm being so weak like this, really easy to fall into temptations. Ugh. I hate myself for this but like seriously I really want to stop. But yeah, maybe I'm not having enough determination to stop and plus, like hell; I wasn't very motivated to stop. I mean... Well, I'm not so sure if I'm really fine and that I'll be okay if I'm not cutting. You see, I don't want to show my anger and like hell, I don't ever want to cry in front of others. I don't need people to pity me. I don't need sympathy.

But really. Sometimes, I have this thought; maybe I shouldn't stop at all. Maybe I should keep doing this, besides, it's really working in controlling my emotion. It's making me feel even better. But then again, I...*sighs* I'm actually not very sure what I want. I want to stop but then I don't. Maybe its because my faith is thinning. It's been a while I didn't go to church or even asking help from Him. I feel like I've been neglected my religion for so long. It because, I feel that I'm not worthy. I don't deserve such great forgiveness from Him, I've sinned to much that I can't even forgive myself for everything. I just feel that I don't deserve such great love from Him. That's why. But I guess, this way of thinking is just leading me to the wrong path. Look what I've become. Even I, myself hard to believe this.Is this even real?

And then, I keep on having this thought telling me that I'm never be good enough. All I ever be is a burden to everyone else. I will never can do good for others, all I do is giving them hard time. I will never ever be good. This thought really kills me. And my insecurities, it just gosh. so unbelievable. If people ever see me, they will think that I'm not insecure at all but honestly, I am. More than you ever know. I hate myself. I really-really hate myself. hahahaha XD

I think, I cut deeper nowadays. Every time, after I cut; I need like 2 or 3 minutes like that to make it stop. Well, it's not involving too much blood though. It just coming slowly out from the cuts but it really need sometimes for me to stop it. hehehei~ Honestly, I don't really feel the pain when the razor contacting with my flesh. All I feel is pleasure. You get me? It just, I know it's wrong but I feel lots better after I've cut. Well, *sighs* I did throw my last razor though but I've got new one now. Ugh. I know! I shouldn't getting a new one but if I don't, my anger will bubbled up and I scared that if I don't control it, I might hurt mum's feeling. I can't afford that. She has more than enough burden. I don't want to add in. It's like the last thing I want to do, okay? *sighs* I don't know how many time I've sighed. hahaha oh well. But thank God, this semester its not very stressful *hopefully* because if it does, I don't know if I can even stop myself. hahaha haish. I hate my life. Eh, no. I hate my reality. If can, I want to live in a dream. hehehe :) Oh well, another wishful thinking of mine. I'm very sorry for the picture though. But like hell, it's actually not that bad. I mean, in the past, my wrist look even worst. hahaha scroll down, you'll get what I mean.

*sighs* I don't have the heart to tell anyone anymore about what is actually going wrong about me. I'm done being burden to anyone. I mean, hell. All I ever did is worrying people. I don't want anyone to be worrying about me. Well, honestly I do need support to stop this harming shit. But then again, I want people to notice it themselves about what's going on with me without I told them anything. If reading my blog will help them realize, then let them read it. hahaha I mean, if possible. I just don't want to open my mouth and tell anyone about it. It just hard you know. I'm very self-cautious about people's thinking. I mean, I don't want them to think that; if I ever openly tells them that I cut myself, there are chances that they will think that I've done it because I'm attention whore or I'm just being stupid. Heh. It could happen okay? hahaha Oh well. Honestly. If I ever tells them about it, or if they got a clue about this matter, I don't think they going to step up and help me. Most likely, they going to pretend that they care about it but after few days or so, they're going to hurt me again. I've been in that phase, alright. *sighs* You know, I really want to be good with everyone, forgiving and forget everything that they all ever did to me but it's keep on coming back. you know. I'm silently tortured. I just want us all to be together again like we used to and no more back-stabbing and stuff. *sighs* I can't tell if they really do care about each other. I don't want to be hypocrite you see. But then, what other option do I have? I have to pretend that it's not hurting me at all when they purposely or accidentally threw insults on me. And even sometimes, when their words is like an poisonous arrow, stabbing right through my chest, I have to maintain a smile on my face even when all I really want to do is breaking down and curled myself on my bed or leave them and lock myself in my room. I feel stupid sometimes. But. I can't help it. I just. I love them so much. So much that it's freaking hurt and it's really kills me, slowly. I feel like I'm being tortured slowly.

Even for my brother. I hate him so much because he hurt my mom zillion of times but I can't bring myself not to forgive him. I mean, *sighs* I hate myself for this you know. I really wish I hate him for real. But like I said. I love all of them too much that it's kills me. No matter how much they hurt me, I can't find myself to hurt them back. All I do is like stay low for a while and then pretend like nothing has happen. I feel stupid. I can't even say anything that I could use for self-defense. I just don't want to hurt any of them. I just can't. Sometimes I wonder, if they ever think of my feelings at all? Or was it just me who think about them? Hell, I always doubt that they loved me back. hahaha maybe I don't deserve their love after all. I mean, I've made so many mistakes in my past years. If I were them, I would still hate me too. Well, maybe more.

I put a smile on my face like almost everyday, especially when I'm with them all. 
But not they ever know that, the smile is just something so fake that I happen to hate so much.
 Whenever I'm alone, that smile will disappear.
 Oh how I wish, my smile is real. Just as real as the pain that clenching my chest.
 I'm suffocating. 
I can't breathe sometimes.
But it's a miracle.
I feel dead, but I'm living.
The fading scars make me feel lonely.
I always wonder why.
Maybe because I'm actually lonely.
So freaking lonely that I want to be around people
Even if they hurt me so much.
Who would ever know?
I never told them that they hurt me.
It's my fault after all.
Yes, it is.
It's my fault after all.
Always is.
Always does.

No matter how many times I try, I keep on losing in this battle. I tried to scream for help but my voice stuck in my throat. I tried writing it on the paper, but the paper was blown by the wind. Will I ever survive this battle? Will someone out there will ever found my letter? 
Will someone come and save me?

Please come.
I'll be waiting here, sitting on this same old abandoned place
Just a right place where I feel belonged.
I'll be waiting here while I try my best to get out 
I'm tired of this place
I just want out
So please.
If you could hear me
Please save me from myself.

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)