Hey~ it's been a while. Yeah, I'm pretty busy lately and yeah, I'm having a little bit of mental breakdown. hahahahahaha *sighs* I shouldn't laugh but it's sound funny to me hahaha it's slightly reminds me of Block B song, Mental Breaker~! hahaha *cough* anyway, I've break the record. Yosh! I was free from self-cutting for like about a week and a half but then, bad news; I relapsed. I've cut again since yesterday. *sighs* I really don't know why I'm being so weak like this, really easy to fall into temptations. Ugh. I hate myself for this but like seriously I really want to stop. But yeah, maybe I'm not having enough determination to stop and plus, like hell; I wasn't very motivated to stop. I mean... Well, I'm not so sure if I'm really fine and that I'll be okay if I'm not cutting. You see, I don't want to show my anger and like hell, I don't ever want to cry in front of others. I don't need people to pity me. I don't need sympathy.
But really. Sometimes, I have this thought; maybe I shouldn't stop at all. Maybe I should keep doing this, besides, it's really working in controlling my emotion. It's making me feel even better. But then again, I...*sighs* I'm actually not very sure what I want. I want to stop but then I don't. Maybe its because my faith is thinning. It's been a while I didn't go to church or even asking help from Him. I feel like I've been neglected my religion for so long. It because, I feel that I'm not worthy. I don't deserve such great forgiveness from Him, I've sinned to much that I can't even forgive myself for everything. I just feel that I don't deserve such great love from Him. That's why. But I guess, this way of thinking is just leading me to the wrong path. Look what I've become. Even I, myself hard to believe this.Is this even real?
And then, I keep on having this thought telling me that I'm never be good enough. All I ever be is a burden to everyone else. I will never can do good for others, all I do is giving them hard time. I will never ever be good. This thought really kills me. And my insecurities, it just gosh. so unbelievable. If people ever see me, they will think that I'm not insecure at all but honestly, I am. More than you ever know. I hate myself. I really-really hate myself. hahahaha XD
Even for my brother. I hate him so much because he hurt my mom zillion of times but I can't bring myself not to forgive him. I mean, *sighs* I hate myself for this you know. I really wish I hate him for real. But like I said. I love all of them too much that it's kills me. No matter how much they hurt me, I can't find myself to hurt them back. All I do is like stay low for a while and then pretend like nothing has happen. I feel stupid. I can't even say anything that I could use for self-defense. I just don't want to hurt any of them. I just can't. Sometimes I wonder, if they ever think of my feelings at all? Or was it just me who think about them? Hell, I always doubt that they loved me back. hahaha maybe I don't deserve their love after all. I mean, I've made so many mistakes in my past years. If I were them, I would still hate me too. Well, maybe more.
I put a smile on my face like almost everyday, especially when I'm with them all.
But not they ever know that, the smile is just something so fake that I happen to hate so much.
Whenever I'm alone, that smile will disappear.
Oh how I wish, my smile is real. Just as real as the pain that clenching my chest.
I can't breathe sometimes.
But it's a miracle.
I feel dead, but I'm living.
The fading scars make me feel lonely.
I always wonder why.
Maybe because I'm actually lonely.
So freaking lonely that I want to be around people
Even if they hurt me so much.
Who would ever know?
I never told them that they hurt me.
It's my fault after all.
Yes, it is.
It's my fault after all.
No matter how many times I try, I keep on losing in this battle. I tried to scream for help but my voice stuck in my throat. I tried writing it on the paper, but the paper was blown by the wind. Will I ever survive this battle? Will someone out there will ever found my letter?
Will someone come and save me?
I'll be waiting here, sitting on this same old abandoned place
Just a right place where I feel belonged.
I'll be waiting here while I try my best to get out
I'm tired of this place
I just want out
If you could hear me
Please save me from myself.P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)