Well, hello there. hehehe :)
I've just had the moment of myself where I've been thinking that well, still thinking that I'm sort of a burden to my parents. You see, in the past few years what I've been doing is just failing, rebellious, being stupid, blaming them because I can't do what I wish to do. When then now I realized that I shouldn't have thought of that. I have no place to complain about everything they're deciding for me. It's has been kind enough for them to adopt me at first place. I mean, they had give me shelters, food, clothing and things I want like gadgets, games, money and all sort of things. Sometimes, I didn't even ask for it, they still giving me like the car. And I feel so soo bad you know.
I really wish that they hadn't took me at first place. I'm no use to them, all I ever did is breaking their heart, yelling at them or just I don't know, get mad because I don't wanna be at fault even when it was my fault. I've been spending their money and what have I done to them in return? burdening them more. I even hated my dad. Can you believe it? I'm a joke. Keep telling people that hating is bad when I'm actually hating the one that giving me shelters and shit. I feel like a parasite to this family you see. Like, what if they never took me? What if I wasn't be here? I think things would be different and maybe it would be much easier for them though. Like, even if my brother did fucked up like this, they could only think to settle his problems and they doesn't have to think about my education and even spending money for two person.
If only I never brought to this world, things would be better and things would seriously be way different than now. Like for sis Jaba, she wouldn't have to think about taking care of my feelings at all or feel guilty when I feel down because she think she can't make me feel okay. Or having to think that I'm gonna leave her or anything like that. It would be soo much better for everyone if I wasn't here at first place. But it was too late for all that since it's my 20th years of living. I'm sorry for having long life hahaha
I've been holding on for so long now and yes, I've been trying my very best to stay strong, or more likely to pretending to be strong because I'm actually standing at the edge of the cliff and with one pushed, I'll fell into the crashing waves. wow, that's kinda dramatic way to say it hahaha but yeah. *sighs* I know that all this is just things that my mind try to trick me and it will eventually goes away but what's the point if it keeps coming back and haunting me?
I can't stop myself from hating myself, hating what I've been done in the past in which I'm scared I'll be repeating the same shit all over again in the future. I'm afraid that I'll hurt more people than I did. Even now, I feel like I've been pushing too many people away but then, I feel so alone. I want them to stay but I can't afford to hurt them anymore. I'm really good at hurting people though so.... *sighs* I've hurt people way too much because of things I've been hiding and things I can't say to them, things that they wouldn't even understand if I told them. They'll think I'm making things up eventually. I just wish I have lots of courage to end myself so I could end this suffering you know. I'm so tired of keep holding on something that I wasn't sure if it strong enough to keep me hanging.
I just want to push everyone's away you know but I'm scared of being lonely. Well, honestly I was expecting someone to chase me when I pushed them away but meh. I'm actually the one who chased them back after pushing them away because that's how pathetic and desperate I am for someone to stay with me. By doing those things, it doesn't make me feel any better you know. It's like I'm forcing them to stay with me. I'm not even sure if they want to stay or maybe its way better for them to leave me completely.
I've been telling people that they should try to learn how to swim for themselves everytime they drown because somebody would not always able to be by their side when things get rough. Well, I guess I should be taking that advice to myself because I've been drowning for so long. Well, not that long but yeah, I'm drowning pretty hard lately and I've try to swim towards the shore but I kinda hold myself back because I was expecting to see someone to wait for me on the other side but there wasn't anyone. Well, there are but they kinda blurry because of the waves and I'm not sure if they were calling out for me too keep on swimming towards the shore or they were just standing there and watched me and let me decided it for myself whether to keep swimming or just stay drown and wait for the huge waves to crash on me.
My chest felt so heavy right now and I wish it was because of my boobs getting bigger but unfortunately, it was just the unexplainable feelings I've been having. I feel like I'm the biggest hypocrites in the whole wide world. Well, not really. Just among my family and relatives. I don't really show them what I really feel or say what I wish to say to them. And at times, even though I feel like I'm just a burden to this family of mine, I really wish that they would noticed that I need their supports and them to ask me if I'm okay or not. Making a small conversation, a normal conversation other than asking how my grades is, what I want, or gossipping. Just a normal family conversation, you know and yeah, I've been so jealous of what Lalan's has between her dad and her because she seems to can speak up her mind and can actually have a real conversation with her dad and all. And also, I'm very envy with sis Jaba's family too because eventually, her parents seems to try their best to reach for her and understand that she's a very indoor type. and plus, she have a very understanding sister to be with and support her whenever everyone is against her or anything like that.
And then, there's me. Having a brother that can't even take care of himself but in some ways, he's a very good brother. If only he was being as normal as other brother could be. I could have a best friend and a brother who I can trust and protect me. If only he wasn't getting involves with that shit, maybe we could teamed up in COD multiplayer and beat the shit of others and maybe could be having a death match together, you know. but its all just the false hope I've been wishing and which I knew would never happen. It was too perfect to be real. hahaha oh well.
It's 3:16 and I think I should be getting some sleep now because I could sense that my mom is waking up and peeing any time soon so, I can't afford to be seen like this hahaha yeah, I'm tearing up right now. *sighs* hopefully things will get better sooner or later.
P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.