Part 14: I'm Just Too Coward.

Heyy again :) 
Well, i guess i'm right about being the worst. Haha... *sighs* now everyone hates me. I know i deserve it but then, it just painful you know. Haha... I really didn't mean to leave or whatever. The reason i was going away from the internet, tumblr or even chatting is because i don't want them to dwell with my negativeness. *sighs* well, it doesn't matter now. I mean, its my fault for not telling and explain to them beforehand. I'm just the worst people of all. Heh. Maybe, well I can't even forgive myself you know. I hurt soo many people and its all because of my stupid breakdown. I hate it. I hate being so weak that now i'm being the reason everyone i care about is hurting. Ironically, those people i hurt were a group of people that would be the last i would hurt. But then, well... Heh.

I guess all i'm good at is hurting people. Its seems like it the only things im good at. Wait, no. Thats the first, the second thing im good at is being a burden. Yeah, i still not over the fact that im being adopt is just a burden for my parent. Its true what? I know lots of people would agree with me in this.  Like i said, i'm just the worst. 

I really really hate myself right now. I wish in brave enough to kill myself hahaha... I just want to get off from everyone life because all i ever do to them is hurt them. No matter how many times i apologizes, it will not going to change the facts that i hurt them so much. I'm.... I hate myself even more right now. I won't blame them if they ever hate me from now. I deserved it. I deserve all the hates.  I'm just the worst. 

And yeah, my scar adding up today. I just feel that i deserve some punishment for what i've done. Yeah, i just want to cut right now but no matter how many time i slit my wrist, it just didn't satisfied me. I deserve to be punished more than that. Because im just the worst. The most bad person ever. The baddest friend, the baddest sister, the baddest rp partners. Just simply the worst of the worst.

"Every scars that I drew were always meant to bleed. It's to show that how fucked up I really am,"

Part 13: I'm Just the Worst

Hey, i'm not quite feeling better today. So uh, i decided to update this blog hehehe :) well, i've been feeling down since few days ago and well, of course for some reasons. *sighs* and for addition, stress from school and home. It just, for short everything make me feel down actually. Hahaha *sighs* 

And uh, i relasped again today. Yeah, i'm back to cutting and well, i think i've cut a little deeper because i'm still waiting for the blood to stop. But nothing serious though, it just a small scratch, not too big hehehe :3 it just need time. It will stop soon enough and i'll be fine again for sure :) 

Everything is fine. It just me. I'm thinking too much and i can't stop my paranoia. Yesterday, i caught myself biting my nails like from my school until i reached Ng Siang Hap there. Yeah, I guess i'm having  small anxiety for sure. But nothing serious as well. I'm okay today (^__^)v 
It just that, i can't stop my brain telling me that no one ever care about me and they actuall find me very annoying and behaving bitchy like and like its getting on their nerves in some way. I don't know. And well, i can't blame them for that. I mean, i'm very aware that i'm quite annoying too hahahaha i can't deny the truth, can't i?

And then. Well, i don't know. the reason I've cut again is that, i'm just feeling that. Even if i cut again, no one would care and like they wouldn't even bother to stop me anyway. They will be like, "Its your choice, if you decide to stop, u'll stop." Well, nothing wrong with that though. I mean, they're right about it. I will stop if i want to. But well, i guess i won't then. Since its my choice :)
I'll just lessen it. Well, i am trying my best to stop but then i find there isn't any reason for me to stop. I'm always lonely somehow. No one ever try to reach for me. Its always me who is trying to reach for people. Maybe that's why i never stop feeling lonely. Pathetic isn't it? Heh. Well, its me afterall. I'm just some pathetic being as always. 

*sighs* i always keep my smile on my face though. And i guess i'm too good at lying that not even a single soul noticed how miserable i qctually am. I just. I don't know anymore. Maybe its the best if i withdrew from people for the time being. Especially those i'm chatting with, like Jaba, or Myron or even Sumichan. I don't want to be unable to give them positive energy when i chat with them. I want them ti be happy somehow hahaha :3 *sighs*
Well, my happiness isn't important. All i ever want is materialistic stuff anyway. And yeah, im no saint too. I'm in fact the worst of the worst person ever. I lied to everyone. I never really show them what i'm really feel. I want them to notice it actually. Hahaha yeah, it's my fault somehow. I should have told them but then, they won't care anyway.

I've tried to tell Jaba about my real feelings some of time back then but the way she responds, well... Its not wrong. She did says everything that is necessary but then. Well, heh. I guess i'm just asking for the impossible. Oh well, *sighs* and thats is the time i told myself that i shouldn't be telling anyone else about my problems. I should just keep it too myself. I mean, its my problem and it has nothing to do with anyone else. I should sort things out myself, no? :) 

I mean, everyone have their own problems to deal with. So, yeah. I'll do it myself :)
And yeah, my weight isn't reducing even a bit. In fact it keep on increasing. I think i should just stop eating hahahaha i hate my thigh, my leg, my stomach and everything. Hahahaha *sighs* 

Ah, i shall take my leave now :)
P.S Let your smile cover up your tears :)
*i can even cry lols*

Part 12: I Regret Nothing

Ohh heyy again :3 i'm just want to say that i'm feeling pretty wore out right now. I mean, spiritually hahaha :3 like i don't know how to tell, but really. I feel so tired like my energy is being sucked out of me. Maybe sis Jaba is right about people sucking out my positivity and turn it into theirs. Hahaha well yeah, i'm having mental breakdown not long before but yeah, i pretend like nothing happen. As usual la hahaha :3 i cried in the shower and i'm not  sure why i feel so hurt like that when i thought about Sumi and Kid (my skype friend) honestly i feel glad that i met them even when i'm not a good roleplay partner. Hahaha but they are two out of 107 followers (excluding Jaba account idk how many maybe ten? Hahahaha) that willing to talk to me you see. Hahaha :3 but yeah like i said, i'm not good in making friends. And yeah, i kinda lost both of them hahaha i mean, well i got saw Kid online before but when i go check, he's appear offline. Pfft... I'm too fabulous for him to handle i guess hahahaha :3 and then there's Sumi. Usually, i would saw her online in the morning (their morning) but then today she seems to not online pfft... Haish. This is the reason i don't want to be so fabulous like this hahahaha :3 
But then, i'm so hurt you know. Hahaha i don't know. this make me questioned myself, is it wrong for trying to be nice ans caring for others? But the again. After i had a small talk with sis Jaba and debating with my innerself, i think that nah, it's not wrong for being nice. In fact, i regret nothing for letting them sucking my life energy. As long as they're happy, then i should be happy too. I mean, wven if it not much, even if it means that i'm hurt, as long as they're happy, then i'm glad i couls help :) 
And even if my withdrawal from our chain of friendship means happiness for them, then i'll be glad to withdrawn. Yeah, happiness is important you see :) 
I'm just glad i'm helping even in spiritual way hahaha :3 if we're meant to be friend, they'll look for me. So, i'll be disappear for a while now, from virtual world and will come back again when i fully regain back my life energy :)

Not that i'm trying to be nice or anythibf, it just that i really want to help somebody to smile like you know,  putting a smile on their face even for once or twice because you see, i know that true happiness is very hard to find, especially in today world. So, i was thinking that what if one small smile is actually the key that will bring us towards that happiness? Yeah, it can be right? Like starting from the most basic, we're sure going to conquer it one day hahaha :3

Oh, i better go now. Its almost 1.30a.m :3
So bye bye for now. I might keep on updating shortly like this starting today.
So adieu :)

P.S : Let your smile cover up your tears :)