No Longer Can Stop The Pain.

Wishing that I can disappeared from this big sphere of lies
Freaking out every single moment when I found out I'm alive
Underneath the faces which I believe wasn't a lies
That in fact the truth wasn't even written inside those fully eyes.

Now I wish I am dead for a while
Wondering what which memories will ticking in their mind
Will it be the worst?
Or could it be the best time of our life?
Or maybe there will be pearls of laughter with me dying slowly behind
Will they smile when I'm already gone for life?
Would their life easier without me by their side?

Sometimes I feel like I'm the worst part of their life
Sometimes I feel like I should be blame for all the twisted moment of their happy time
Maybe I should just vanished from this world
And never reappeared again for the rest of my life
maybe it is the best solution for them into the happier life.

Slitting my wrist, letting the blood flows out from my veins won't settle it out
Jumping from the top floor of a building and get myself killed won't change a things
What should I do now?
When everyone I loved declaring their hates on me
Criticizing me silently and throwing the disgusting look on me
Make me feel like I'm the most unwanted person in their life
I feel so hopeless now
I feel like I'm broken inside and outside
I've been feel alright for a while and now the pain is biting me off again.
I'm grateful that I've survive the last one
But I wonder
Will I survived in this game too?

No one know what I've been feeling this few months
No one, even the most sensitive person will noticed the bleeding heart I have inside
The scars now widely opened once more
I had running out of bandage to wrap it all again
I don't have a clue of what should I do now.

Oh God, please guide me to the truth
I'm tired of living in lies of people I've put trust on
I'm losing my mind for most of the time
I'm afraid that I might losing myself one day

Oh Lord, please forgive me for all my sins
if my sins brought me to this misery of life
then I begged you Lord to forgive me and cleanse my souls
So I would start a new,

Oh my dearest Father,
Help me heal this wounded heart
Sew it all together again for I can't stand it pain anymore
I'm lifeless and I'm getting weakened each day
I need you, Father.
Give me strength so I can lives this life for another chapter

I'm stoned in the middle of nowhere
I don't know which path I should go
But what I surely know is
I should continued putting on my happy mask
Fooling the whole wide world
Telling them I'm the happiest person in the world
Telling them I have everything that they ever wanted in their life
And telling them that I'm one of the strongest person that ever lives in this world
For I know,
This this mask of mine
Can burn their spirits and keep them going on their life
Making they feel like they are too as strong as I am
Then, if my smiles can help those people who needed too,
Then, I'm pretty sure I'll be happy too
Even inside I'm broken into millions pieces.
But deep, deep inside, I'm feeling appreciated
And I feel that little sparkle of Hopes
Hope where there is someone who totally care of my existence in the world.