Hello again! Today i'm updating through my phone because I kinda feel a bit down right now and like i don't want to touch my lappy at all hahaha but i have to touch it sometimes soon because i need to do my assignment and some shits related to school. Anyway, today nothing extravagant happens it just that i'm having my SM midterm and man i'm so exhausted. I don't want to set anything for my marks because i know i fucked up somewhere so meh.
School is a bit stressing me out because mom now started to repeating the shits like study hard, study hard, study hard and bleh bleh bleh... I'm like dude, i woke up like around 3 or 4 in the morning, doing my notes, reading those shits and having sleep less than 3 hours for two days out of all the seven days in a week. What do you think i'm doing? *sighs* I have my own pace in studying and i'm so tired. And everytime i came home, i feel exhausted. If only she knew that school is fucking tiring. Yes, all i did in class is like sitting there and listening to what the lecturer is telling me but dude, i'm not exhausted physically, it's mentally. *sighs*
But what's the point of complaining.
And then, I'm started to get bad again. I have the urge to cut again and my paranoia and anxiety is back again. My slef-hate as well making their comeback stage. I hate my stomach gosh. I seriously hate it but not as much as i hate my fucking butts. They're so huge and i'm so embarrassed of it. *sighs* i think i'll try to skip some meals starting tomorrow and since I have like 4 days of holiday; i'll used that time as the opportunity. Hahahaha :) yeah. I'm gonna do that. I mean, not that i'm obsessed to be slim like that. It just, all my clothes is no longer fits me and then even worst, the only trousers that fits me is the maroon one. Gosh. I have nothing to wear.
And also I can't help it but to be convinced that Aki-chan doesn't really want to talk to me or anything. Well, she does talking to me but meh. She just want to respect sis Jaba, that is why she's forcing herself to talk to me. I realized that she took longer time to reply my chat compare to sis Jaba's chat and sometimes even ignored me but meh. I know i'm not interesting enough or know what to talk about and shits like that. I know i'm not funny and i'm always so emo like that and I don't really watch animes and I don't know a lot about anime and shits and i'm not a biggest fans of yaoi and all sort of that shit. I understand that but meh. Whatever. Not gonna tell anyone about it, this is my bad side that is talking so, yeah. Meh.
Also. I'm not sure anymore if anyone is sincerely wants me to stay in their kife or they actually Don't want me too but they just want to respect my feelings. I keep on saying this but for me, word is just a word. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to believe words from people and there's time I wanna rolled my eyes. Hahahaha but yeah... I appreciate all the talkings and shit like that. It just that, i want people to chase me ya know. Like, i don't know. do something that can prove and show me that they were sincerely care?
I wish to disappear for few days or month or years sometimes. Without telling anyone about it and see who is actually care to look for me. I sometimes wish that I've study aboard. I guess life will be much easier for me? I just wanna get out you know. All this shit. It just suffocating me. *sighs*
After posting this. I'm gonna have to put up a fake smile and laugh as if i enjoy every moment when honestly, i just want to disappear.