This Life Have No Mercy On Me. (February + March)

Oh hey.
Its been a while I didn't update here. Last I'm updating this blog is like last month hahaha well, it's not that I'm lazy... Well, that too but actually I've been wanting to update it just that I don't feel fair for you know... Updating this blog with all the terrible and sad things. How I miss to update this blog with happy things hahaha but yeah, my life. What to do? I can't change it, I just can try to learn how to live in it and endure it. I have not much choice around here. Hahaha and even i feel like the light of my future is dimmer nowadays hahahaha i feel like a failure. Last few weeks ago, I kinda saw our last semester's results and i kinda get something like E and D grade and then when I saw almost all of my classmates get A and the lowest is B grade i feel... You know.. Bad and kinda disappointed at myself because I know I can do better than getting an E or a D for a grades but I can't because this depression is getting on my head. I just... Well, i can't concentrate you know, without cutting myself to bleed. It's like I'm pretty much easy to get distracted by the negative thought in my head and i get tired and itritated very easy in this past few weeks but I have to pretend that i'm not irritated or uhhh feel like being stabbed with words hahaha yeah, i know they didn't mean it or even purposely saying such words but man, its hurt me like being being stabbed million knifes. Hahahaha yeah. I'm very self-conscious in this few weeks but it's not really the problem that trigger me to cut again. Oh yes, i've stopped uh i don't know if stop is the right word. I think it's much more suitable to call it as uh.... Um... Pause? HAHAHA okay, uhh just assumed it as pause hahahaha since i don't feel like stopping from cutting though because its really helping you see. I just *sighs* i know its wrong and i know I shouldn't do it but even though it is wrong, It feel so right. And yeah, honestly, I cut deeper nowadays and no, i'm not proud of it. I'm embarrased and very disappointed at myself. I feel like i'm giving up to temptation hahaha wow, i feel like making this up. But no man. I'm not. In fact, I've just cutted this morning because yeah, i'm angry. Hahaha *sighs*

Pretty bad huh? I know.....but it really work you know just the consequences is that i have to sit in the bathroom for few minutes to stop the bleeding hahaha but yeah. It sting under the sleeves because of the friction pfft i dont know what i'm talking about hahaha oh, i went too far off the from the thing i wanted to say hehehehe sorry~ sorry~ XD

So, what's trigger me back? Hm... Should I tell? Well maybe. I need to let it out of my head anyway. Hahaha if not, i'll end up hating my dad even more hahaha i know i shouldn't be saying that I hate him oh scratch that. I dislike him not hating, i think hahaha anyway. You see, last week if i'm not mistaken. We were having this usual family gathering and plus uncle den and his wife came over lah. The thing is that, my brother's friend come over but my dad recklessly kick them out in front of them and my brother is losing his shit that they're like yelling at each other and my brother suddenly become so mad and he kicks my mom's sewing machine you know and he yelled at mom saying bad stuff and angry at her because of dad's action. I'm trembling shit you know but i don't get mad at my brother that time, i'm mad at my dad. I mean, come on. How stupid can he be? why must he kick my brother's friends out when there's other people outside. I mean, why didn't he do it other time when people's not around? It fucking wmbarrassing okay? What he want to prove in front of our other family? He want to show how majestic he is? No it just stupid. PLAIN FUCKING STUPID. I mean ugh. He should be shameful about it. I mean, people watching okay? And do he want peope to know that our family is fucked up? Maybe that what he want. He want people to know that our family is breaking and my brother is a shit and a drug addict. Maybe that what he want. and what i hate the most when he did that is he hurt mom. My brother end up yelling at mom because of him and making mom cries and embarrased her in front of her siblings. I'm so fucking mad okay? It just ughhh. And you know, I called him idiot in front of mom and well, its just slipped of my tongue hahaha but honestly. It just stupid. I can't. It make me hate him more. He hurt mom. I don't like it. He making things worst in this house. It already hell in here okay? We don't need him to make it worst. I just don't understand why he did it. It just fucking stupid. *sighs* i cutted that night because i can't say or show my real emotion to them because i know if I did, it just making things worst. So i took the blade and release my anger on myself. It for everyone good though and they seems not to notice anything peculiar about me hahaha since i'm always gloomy like this kehehe XDD 

And i'm actually worried about this new cuts because I'm having uhh presentation tomorrow and I have bo long sleeves formal attire and i'm dead hahahaha hopefully BB cream would work though. *sighs* 

School isn't stressful yet but yeah i can manage tho. *sighs* it just that its getting stressful when my dad started to say something like me going to continue to my degree and shit. And its freaking stressing me out you see because I know  my intelligence limit is and you know how bad my results is. It just mannn... I do hate him but at the same time i want to make him.. No actually, i want to make my mom proud of me. and the way he keep on repeating the degree shit its make it sound i don't want to continue. And the more frequent he repeat it, the more I don't want to continue it mann. I mean, i know that taking degree will help me get a better job. I'm not idiot okay? *sighs* i'm just ughhh.... I don't know what to think or say anymore. I'm so angry at everything. Fuck everything.

And now, honestly. i'm not sure what i want anymore. I'm tired and I just *sighs* i don't feel like doing anything anymore everyone is just getting on my nerves and they never care how i feel. It just unfair. And my parents, whenever I mumbling back they'll say something like I never want to listen to what they said. i mean come onn! Do they ever take time to listen to what i wanna say? NO right?! Fuck it.

I just don't know anymore.

I'm just plain miserable right now. I'm not even sure what I wanted to do anymore and I have no feeling of doing anything but procrastinating and self-depreciating. As usual, I just keep on hurting people feelings because I'm being selfish. Yeah, I hurt people again and again and maybe this cycle will never end. Sometimes I wonder, why am I born like this? I keep on losing track from the right path, I know I have good brains but I didn't know how to use it. I'm too lazy and useless piece of shit. All I know is complaining about how life is. I'm tired of complaining honestly. I'm tired of chasing people and pleading for them to stay. I'm tired of saying nice things to people who I think deserve the hates and insults. I'm tired of wearing this fake smiles everyday at school. I'm tired of wanting to cry but my tears won't fall off. I'm tired of my shitty face. I'm tired of my fake teeth. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of people insulting my hobby and saying that it's for kids. I'm tired that people judging me. I'm tired of the same old song that I keep on repeating on my playlist because I'm so left behind. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of having interaction with anyone. Sometimes I ask myself, when will I have the courage of killing myself? It's not like people will get worried or teary of my death anyway. Well, maybe they do but maybe it will be only for a month, if I'm lucky hahaha. Yeah, I think I'm better off dead. I keep on hurting people though. So what's the point of staying alive? I can't make my parent happy. Like, look... my results sucks man, it should be thrown into the dustbin. No other colleges want to accept someone with that kind of fucking results. All I ever do is disappointing people around me. So, if I ever kill myself, maybe only my family that will cry over my death. Like, I don't even have lots of friends though. So, yeah.

Besides, I'm just a burden to this family. I even hate my dad. I don't talk nicely to them both. Sometimes I think they're annoying. They never understand or care about me though. All they ever think of is the money that my brother keep on wasting on the shitty drugs and how they want me to continue my studies in the field that I don't even like. Heh, not that they doesn't know about it. They keep pushing me to do what they want me to do. Have they ever ask what I want? NO. FUCKING NO. they want the perfect daughter, for god sake. Man.... If only they could see, how imperfect i am. Why can't they accept my true ambition? I'm tired okay. I'm tired of doing things that people ask me to do. I don't even like them but psssh... even if I told them that I don't like it for over millionth of time, it's not like they care about it. They will just keep on insisting me to do it. No one ever think of my feelings anyway and here I am, think how bad I am for unable to satisfy them because I keep on failing doing what I hate. I'm just pathetic. Ugh.

The hate I have for myself can't be measured with words anymore.

Ugliness. Toothless. Useless. Idiots. Pathetic. A Burden. A Monster.. Man... Why am I even born?
I just wanted to die.
People hates me.
Everyone hates me anyway.
I lost my reason to keep living.