I don't know what to put here.

Hello again.
I'm currently writing one of my story but I got distracted because all sort of stuff, especially things that going through my head right now. I'm not really in stable mind right now but I'm trying my best to stabilising it hahaha. I sounds like a mechanic wanting to stabilise some machine or something. Anyway, I've just having my breakdown moment again today where I curled in the shower and cry my heart out. I still want to cry right now but I kinda forced myself to stop crying because, well... One, there's no point of crying. Two, crying won't solve anything and three, I don't feel any better even after one and half hour crying just now. I'm just feeling more.... I don't know. I don't know what I'm feeling right now. I don't know anything anymore. hahaha

I'm feeling numb you see. I can't even move my facial right now and only my mind that's doing the talking and laughing hahaha you get me? *sighs* hm.... Well, I just had my moment for crying and all actually. I was just feeling so lonely. Very very lonely and sad. I know that I have mom here with me but it doesn't make me feel less lonely. This loneliness feeling just scratching me from the inside like I'm very very alone. I don't even know. hahaha

and yeah, well. I've been texting with sis Jon too just now, telling her about what IBS admin had told me at the briefing this morning about the graduation's day. Well, regarding them, who went with the graduates of course but well, she just reply me as if forced too and then she even ask me like, how long will the graduation be? in way that she wasn't really interested to go. I mean, well. If she doesn't want to go, its fine actually. I can't force her to come if she doesn't want to go. Now I feel like I'm forcing her to go and all. I don't know. Well, I guess it's really is my fault for ya know. Forcing everyone to do as I wish. heh.

*sighs*
I really really want to cry hahaha and I really need a shoulder to cry one and a hug right now but well, it just some wishful thinking hahaha. *sighs* Sometimes, I wish I could enter my own story where I can have this friend who always there and then is like I don't know. Just do whatever were written in the story I'm writing hahaha XD but yeah, reality hurts. I.... Honestly don't know if I really have a friend. I mean, everyone that I called as friend is more like acquaintance or they just leave or just stay away from me. I mean, as far as I'm concerned. Friends stay with each other, despite of what happen but yeah. hahaha

And yeah. About writings though. I always feel that maybe I should stop telling people that I'm actually writing stuff because well. I know that I'm not good or there are possibility that I won't able to finish the story and all but when I told them to read, I'm actually just wanting an opinion from them whether the story is good or not or do I need to do something about it so I can make it better. But yeah. *sighs* maybe it just because I'm writing something boring hahaha and all I ever do is like being a copycat; either stealing their characters, the names or the story plot.

And so, I think I should go now. I mean. Yeah. I don't feel like writing anymore. Maybe I should just try to sleep? I don't feel like sleeping yet but yeah, I'm so tired. Maybe I'll just continue writing. Maybe. hahaha I hope, I can stop complaining about how bad my life is because there's people who have way badder life than I am. I'm creating something that isn't there I know. Like I said, I brought all this upon myself and this is seriously my fault.

So, byebye. and see ya again since I'm still coward to kill myself and maybe a masochist for staying hahaha

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.