Anxious

It's very hard to deal with someone that doesnmt understand how hard it is to have this low confidence traits like; ya know when you said you don't wanna do something, they eventually would give you the look that saying you just lazy and when they kinda force you to talk to the salesman but you kinda have this problem of talking with people, and when you said no they would just be like snapped at you or sulking. It just make you feel guilty and so you gotta forced yourself to talk with the salesman with all the sweaty palm and nausea feeling and pray that you wouldn't make fun of yourself and try not to stutter like badshit. It's not that easy to talk to people and i wish they could just understand that.

When i said i don't wanna go anywhere means i don't wanna go anywhere and that doesn't mean i'm being lazy. I will go if i'm comfortable with the place like my college. No matter what time they ask me to go, i go right? Because i'm comfortable. And to the mall, like hell i would go to the mall all by myself u less i had something important to buy. Even that, sometimes i changed my mind to buy something i like because i had no one to go with. It's this feeling, it's very very difficult to live like this but they don't understand. They never try to understand

Even if i told them, they'll just said that i'm making an excuses or i just being rude to them and that i don't want to be with them and shit like that. I find that speaking is very hard to do. I rather be in my room, locked myself up and be in my comfort zone. I don't care about what people think but that just what I want.

I know i must work this out and i'm aware that i'll have to speak with people sometimes in the future and yes i'm trying my best to make it work but I need time. I can't do it all the sudden. I have my paced and always being forced like this and getting the blame because i said no... I can't. It just stressing me out. 

I can't breathe properly right now and uh, my hands and feet are sweating even just thinking of it. I wish mom would understand how bad my anxiety is. Well, not as bad as until i feel like fainting but yeah. I gotta keep it cool though. *sighs* what a life.