♥ Better Mood ♥

Hi, I'm back again. hahahaha yeah. I've reread my afternoon post and I'm like, whoa... chill~ hahahaha and it does sounds like I blame everyone for everything that happens. I guess that's what I get for doing that hahahaha I mean, it's actually all because of myself and I put those to others. Geez, what a fucktard I am.

But I'm cool now. I mean, since that fucker hasn't go home yet so I hope he'll never go home like ever. My life, my day and even my mood is getting merrier hahahaha it's like eugh, his presence is just eugh. I genuinely hate him. hahahaha
And my skype is freaking idiot, it just sign me out and then as I try to log in, it said like wrong password im like what the fuck man? I know my password damn it. i've tried like 3-4 times and i gave up hahaha I'll just try again tomorrow.

And yeah, about sis Jon. I'm totally out of it just now like I've been like, jump to a conclusion. Yeah, blame me. hahahahaha she actually use another phone for the other chat so i'm like ohkayy... sorry hahahah so yeah, I told her that I'll just go with her this Sunday? i think. *gasped* what if it not sunday? then... OH my god. What have I done. ohh wait. but she work on saturday right? I guess it must be on sunday hahahaha *fewwhhh* hahahaha anyway, I'll try to make it up to everyone though because yeah, my depression is like always overpowered me and i'm so sorry for being so weak against it and like i said, I'm just a lost cause. hahahahaha

And I was thinking of having babath after this and maybe printing out the summaries and read through the case studies for Strategic Management. Yeah, I need to study that shit. The handsome lecturer didn't give much of tips. All he said is just study chapter one until chapter four. I'm like dude, what the shit? in short time you ask me to study all the shit?? hahahahaha haaaa.... anyway, I'll just focus on the 5 forces and SWOT analysis since that shit was the most shit he talked about in class. if it not gonna came out this Thursday wo die laa hahahaha

Anyway, I've just received my Industrial Training results and I got B+ and I'm like thank you Lord! hahahaha I fucked up a lot with my uhh, presentation last time so it's seriously WOw. i'm just WOW man hahahaha and uhh, what else to talk about? Hmm.... Oh, i'm re-playing My Sweet Bodyguard and there this one character named Sora Hirosue and he so much reminds me of Masaomi Kida from drrr!! his looks, his attitude and his flirtatiousness hahahaha it just sooo kida. He's cute tooo XDDD

and uhh, what else. Oh, uh I guess that's all for now. Since there's not so much happening in my life right now just the same old thing it's like my life is circling hahahaha. And ah, I just can't wait to move out from this house by the way. hahaha I need new environment. maybe I can concentrate more on my own recovery. I just need to be somewhere where I won't be with that fucktard.


So yeah :)
Byebye!

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

Dunno

Hello again~! hahaha :) Things aren't pretty good lately but here I am, breathing and alive. Well, barely. hahahaha well, honestly things gotten  pretty great honestly until today. It just my fucking stupid brother doing something unnecessarily idiotic hahaha *sighs* Well, actually it has been like this for few days but I can still ignore it but today, it just. I don't know. Maybe I've been ignoring it for so long so it just BAM! burst hahaha

And if he keep doing this, I don't know if I have the strength to keep on living. Well, I know I should be strong and shit like that for the sake of my parents but dude, it's not that I can do anything. I'm just here and be like ya know. A burden. Yep. I'm just another burden for them. If like I'm gone, they only have to worry about that fucking idiots. But that just what I think. Not that it's true, well it is true but that's not what really make me feel down. It just the uselessness I feel everything that fucker being an idiot. I should try to do something but what can I do? I'm just useless. There's lot I can do but I did none. Why? Because I'm fucking coward. All I do is talk and get mad and cut myself until I bleed to death. Yes, A coward. Only coward would do this. I know, I know... Then tell me some more fucking reason why I should kill myself?

Maybe like if I end myself, that fucker will finally realized that he's the cause of my depression and anything and YES, I KNOW. I sounds like I put blame on that guy for my depression shit well, I am blaming him hahahaha I'm not actually depress okay? I'm just angry. Angry at how fucking useless I am and how coward I am. I'm just so FUCKING angry at myself.

Eugh. I really does hate myself. My kind of hate isn't like because i'm aren't pretty or because I'm fat. WEll, part of it yes but 60% of it because I'm fucking USELESS. I hate myself for that. Ugh. Why am I born coward? *sighs*

I don't know what I'm talking about hahaha. And yeah, mom told me that that fucker get mad at her and ask her to change the modem shit and then when mom told him she doesn't know how, he fucking said like then what the use of pgie going to school like all the fucking time studying shit? and I'm like what the fuck man? At least I'm doing something damn it. EUGH

I HATE THIS HOUSE, I HATE THAT FUCKER, I JUST HATE HIM. I SWEAR, I'M NOT GONNA SHED A SINGLE FUCKING TEARS FOR SHITFACE LIKE HIM IF HE DIE. I JUST WISH HE DIE ALREADY.
why is it so hard for him to just die???
EUGH.

and then, there's sis Jon. Yesterday, she ask me if I want to accompany her to straighten her hair this weekend and so I told her like, I'm not sure yet and I'll tell you this saturday, I said. so she said, oh ok ok. And then today, I start a conversation in the fucking morning and she's fucking ignore me until this evening. I know she's on WeChat, she's chatting with sis Inut and sis Jaba though. Like, dude.... If you're not okay with it, just say it. EUgh.

*sighs* I'm so distracted right now. Like, well. I've been distracted since a while now honestly. Like, something happen also with sis Jaba like sometimes, I feel like she doesn't really want to listen to what I'm trying to tell her and anything. Like, that one time. I was telling her about my story idea, well plot and she suddenly cut me off and say something else. It's not the first time she did that, but I keep it to myself though. Well, not that my story plot is interesting or important anyway. Oh well *shrugs* I guess, I should realize that she's easily distracted? hahaha yeah, I guess. That suppose to not upset me so much but well. whatever. it already pass. hahaha

And then, I think I should like slowly stop telling others about how sad I am and like oh I cut today. It's like, I'm just doing it to seek for attention. Well, I am an attention seeker but whole cut thing. It just... I don't know. Sometimes, what's the point of telling if there's nobody cares about it? and there's no reason why they should care. They just saying such because they pitied me. I don't trust words anymore. They're annoyed me honestly. Anyone can say sweet things and say how much they care about you and everything but words. Is just a words.
Even if they bullshitting us, we don't know. That's words.
And even this blog, I could be bullshitting you. Because words.

And well, maybe I cut because I Missed the feeling. Yeah. But no. I don't cut because I missed it. I hate it. I hate to do it but what can I do? I'm so angry but I have to suppress my anger so I wouldn't blow it to my mom. I have to suppress my anger so I wouldn't upset her event more. I need to let it out and how much mom's sad face triggering me. I'm just so fucking mad at myself and at that fucking idiot, I JUST HATE HIM! and I need a release.
I need to punish myself....

door slamming is now like a competition in this family and I'm so sick of it. Sometimes, I just want to run away. Well, that seems to what I'm good at. I don't want any help.

 God, I even think I'm losing my faith. I'm so sorry. I'm not strong enough to keep it together. I'm just weak and I've been praying a lot before this but it just making things worst. Where were You when I need You the most? This is too much for me to deal with. The pressure, the stress I get from school and shits. It just God. What have I done that I deserve this?

*sighs* I should be studying right now but meh. I don't feel like it at all. I'm so tired like my energy is being sucked out of me. I'm just a lost cause, I guess. hahahaha.  I'll try to wake up early tomorrow and study a bit.
*sigghssss*

I should just die.

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

I Must Be Emo XD

Hello~ hello~~! I'm back again! today is another tiring day but well, since tomorrow is Friday, I just gotta keep it up! Yosh! hahaha :3 not much happen, it just the same old day and I've been reading Dramione fanfic. Aw yeah! I'm forever DraMione shipper, okay? ahahaha :)
Also today, I've spending my break time in the library for the first time in my whole college life and yeah, it's gonna be like that starting from now on I guess. hahaha :) *sighs* honestly, I'm pretty bored right now and I'm seriously wasn't sure what I should do so I thought of updating this blog. Yeah, I should be do some studying and do my tutorials but put that aside first. I think I'm going to do it later.
I've been waiting for sis Jaba and Aki-chan to online on skype but it seems like both of them isn't online today and Aki-chan, I know she's online because I saw her posting on tumblr and roleplaying. Guessing that she only online when sis Jaba is.

So, since I'm not very much needed, I've quit my skype and offline skype on phone. When I'm tired like this, negativity is definitely rushing over me like a tsunami hahaha so fast that I can't even control it anymore. Plus, the environment in this house is soooo freaking stressful that I definitely prefer to stay at school from morning until evening and then go home, I'll just take a bath and sleep. I can't stand this place actually. It's stressing me out. Suffocating. hahaha

*sighs* i'm sorry, I've promised that I would not talking about negativity anymore but here I am, dwelling in it. hahaha I can't help it. I'm a negative person after all. I'm thinking of getting away from skype until saturday though. I just... Ya know, I'm not stable right now. hahaha

I'm back to Wattpad actually. hahaha Well, not that I want to write stories but I just back to reading. hahahaha yeah, I miss the feeling of reading and stuff like that. Maybe I would write some story in the nearest future. hahaha I have lots of lame story plot. the typical american/asian love story of course and I'm still thinking if I wanna do it. hahaha I wanna write like really wanna write and finish a story. but yeah, I'll be fighting with my lousy grammar again. So, for now... I'll postpone the writing and do lots of reading first hehehe :)
I have few good books that I haven't read yet so I guess I'm going to read them all first and maybe I can have my grammar upgraded a bit and wrote a decent story. Um, I know that I don't have talent and stuff like that but hobby is a hobby hahahaha :)

And uh, I think I'm going to sleep now though. I'm very tired right now and probably gonna wake up early if I'm not lazy enough tomorrow morning. I need to study a bit for my IB since next week, I'm going to have my midterm exam. I want to score that one and plus, I need to work out with my assignment. Yeah, I should be doing that and start being serious with my studies.

and ah, disappointedly I announced that I've cut yesterday. Well, no reason. I cut for fun hahaha like seriously and even right now, I feel like cutting some more. I'm consumed with my tiredness. I can't blame anyone if they'll started to stay away from me and started to avoid me from now on, I'm a cutter anyway. Who would want to dwell themselves with some emo person like I am? hahaha Oh god, I need help. haahaha

Oh well, it's not that I'm suicidal. So, I guess that's okay. hahaha :)

So, I guess that's all. I'm so tired right now. So, bye bye  :)

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

Brighter Post? I guess... hahahaha

Konbanwa~ hahahaha as promised, I'm back again. wahahaha and yes, today is pretty lousy day for me but pretty cool since I only have 1 and half hour class weee! BUT tomorrow, I'll be at school whole day since I have two class, morning and evening. *sighs* and today also, I've won my first victory in class; in teamwork I mean. I said what I think is right and the other member agreed with me and now we're doing the assignment in our way. Since the appointed leader seems to be clueless what is teamwork means. like he want to do everything first and then distribute it to each one of us so we can check it. I mean, dude, it's teamwork. Teamwork means that everyone gotta do their part and then we can check each other's work. *sighs* But yeah, I'm very happy that he finally not opposing the idea. Like seriously. hahahaha haaaaaa.... It's been a while i didn't feel this good. hahaha :3 Usually, I don't speak out but yeah, I'm doing it for the good of my other teammates too. I know they're not comfortable with the idea of him doing everything for the assignment and plus, the guy should be very aware that it's a group work and not individual work. 

Oh, by the way. I haven't told you that I'm now a degree student. hahaha unbelievable eh? Like almost every single post I've wrote in here is about me opposing the idea of taking degree under business but here I am! hahaha :3 officially a degree student. But I'm not taking Account and Finance anymore and yes, I've change my course into International Business. My mom know about it but I don't think my dad realized it since he keep on saying that I should pass and be accountant one day. I'll be just like meh, whatever dad. wahahaha :3 I mean, even if I told him that I'm taking IB, it's not that he's gonna listen to me and it's just giving me more stress. I'm stressful enough already and I don't wanna make it badder. hahaha So, I'll just keep it as a secret and if they really want me to be an accountant, I'll just take the ACCA level outside.

And ummm, Oh right! I'm actually going to have my midterm next week and I want to score in that test. I should be studying right now and I am having the urge to study hahaha :3 but I just want to update this blog for a while and I need my bath. So I can do my homework with more fresh feelings. hahahaha and ah! next weekend, there's going to be MACGcon in town in which the cosplay competition will be held. Not taking part but I'm excited to wear my costume. I'm going to be Psyche Orihara Yay! and speaking of Psyche, I've ordered his headphone from some chinese website called Taobao with the help of my chinese friend, ShockHui. hahaha and there's so many cosplay stuff and anime stuff oh my god. I just can't. I even bought Noiz cap kehehehehe 

Other than becoming cosplayer, I was also thinking of continuing my goals of becoming ulzzang wannabe. hahahaha I mean, yeah.I just need to work on my self-confidence and learn not to care too much of what people gotta say about how my fashion sense is since my idea of fashion is more towards Japanese and Anime so it's pretty weird for people in Miri. hahahaha There's not many otaku or those who knows anime around here so it's kinda bit disappointing hehehe :3

I'm currently watching Thor: the Dark World. Well, not exactly watching it. I just turn on the tv and here I am. hahahaha :3 I want to take a bath and then going to do my homework. And tomorrow, I'll just need to pass up. Yep, I shall do my best this year since it's degree and I have no time to play around. Wait! Scratch that. I do have time to play and I need my play time too it just that I need to keep them balance. Yep, that's true. I just need to keep my work and play mode in balance. 

For this semester, I'm going to have 8 weeks holiday and I was thinking of getting a part-time job for the whole 8 weeks. At least I'm going to have some pocket money for myself right? It's pretty embarrassing to ask money from my mom even though she doesn't really complaint about it but still, I'm a grown up and it's pretty embarrassing hehehe :3 So, I just want to have my own money and dude, I can have some working experience too ya know. hehehe :3 So, I've told Lalan last time that if she's going to have a part-time job for the holiday, I told her to tell me as well. 

Other than that, Um...... what else? 

ummm...... Oh I decided to not dwell to much with negativity and will never give up no matter how much life pushing me down. It's because this one quote from otomegame in which it says like; 

"He won't push you down the cliff if he doesn't believe that you can climb back up to the top" and I'm like true, true. hahahaha so, in my case, He is of course referring to our Father in heaven. It's true right? it's like God will never put you through something you can't. 

So, it's pretty good quotes and it's make me realize that, no matter how rough my day is, there's always something good happen after that. It's like God just want me to learn from those mistakes I made and survive my dark phase. hahahaha yeah, I've been in my dark phase for too long now and I want to swim through it. I'm done giving up and I want to move on. 

I'm sure this life will get tougher but bring it on! hahaha Just kidding. I just have to fight this self-harm thing first before I move to the next level. hahaha :3

Haa~ I know you guys miss my pretty face hahahaha :3 but this was my old pic. Um, not so old but yeah, it's like last month pic to be exact kehehehe. I miss my long bangs *sighs* Oh well, it's pretty long too nowadays but the only problem is now that my hair is zigzag-ing *sighsss* i wanna straightened it again. hahahah and dyed my hair ashbrown wahahaha and then I can cosplay as Eren or some other character that have brown hair yay! hahaha :3

Okay. enough. Speaking of cosplay, I was thinking of cosplaying lots of character like, like from naruto, karneval, SNK, K-On hahahaha I Knoww~!! but it just the matter of money and confidence actually. *sighsss* hahahaha oh well, I'll just do it slowly. hehehe well, not that I'm gonna cosplay as the character directly. I'm just wanting to have their uniform as my possession hahaha and if I die, at least I can write in my last statement that I want to be buried while wearing SNK uniform. At least it's gonna make me die as a warrior hahahahaha :P

Speaking of dying. There's one time, I was thinking of slitting my wrist deeply but something hold me back. I don't know what it was but it's like suddenly my brain goes blank and I ended up cutting my upper wrist and continue my shower and pretend it never happen. hahahaha and the suicide thought comes and goes but it's not as often as it use to be. I guess I'm pretty okay now. 

And ah, I've just tried to draw some random anime character just now but I didn't finished it since I lost my confident in drawing hahahaha and I feel like, why do I even bother drawing? I can't even drawing it right. I don't have the talent and shit like that. But I really want to draw so badly. I guess I need more practice but then, no matter how many times I practice, I can't seems to make  any progress. *sighss* hahahaha oh well, I guess I don't have that talent naturally like people often said to me. I'm just a wannabe mangaka. hahahaiwai.

Maybe that's why God show me this path towards business. Maybe because He knows that I'm not talented enough to pursue my childhood ambition and bring shamed to the entire clans. hahahaha Haaaaa *sighs* I'll just make drawing as my hobby from now on.

SO, that's all for now. I want to take my bath and do my homework. Yosh! byebyebee

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears (>__0)v

Shit Happen.

Hello~ hello~ it's been ages I didn't write here hahaha well, there's nothing much happening around me honestly. It's just the same old things. But, I'm getting used to it, it's like it's happen too much and I'm like meh. hahahaha and yeah, I've been wanting to write since forever but yeah, I'm so lazy and often stuck in the middle of typing introduction like this wahahaha :3
Anyway, things has been different nowadays and I've been learning how to fight the urge to hurt myself anymore. Yes, the struggle is real especially whenever I have the urge and at the same time my eyes saw the razor box. it's like man~~~~ hahahaha I feel like banging my head on the wall ya know. Sometimes, the urge to cut would rise up every time something happen.

And speaking of things happen, I've just heard about something huge is happening right now in the family. Well, not our family but the entire family. Another crises rises up. It's um, about one of my cousin chyi who tells sis jon that my uncle spone has been talking bad things about her husband and how much she hate my dad actually. I'm like what the hell are ya talking about?! if not because of my dad, she's still fucking stayed in Bakong. They'll be living in the roadside if my dad didn't let them stayed in his Lutong house back then. What the fuck?! Only I can hate my dad. wahahaha ((shut up. I'm Tsundere okay)) anyway, that's not the real problem here. It's like, why the fuck did she has to tell jon about what Uncle Spone told her about??! what a bitch. I know!!! I'm so pissed and what the hell.

Okay, it's all started with the boat price. What I heard is like Chyi's husband was going to buy a boat for Jon's husband and it's cost around 10 thousand something but then, Unc.Spone told my mom that the price of the boat is 15thousand in which what Indai told him. So, my mom just want some confirmation of the price from mak ulit and she told her la about what she heard from unc.spone and that's when Mak ulit told her that jon's called her last night and told her that Chyi said that unc.spone say bad things about her husband and shit like that and then how she hate my dad because last time, my dad kinda told her husband that her dad is a piece of lazyass shit. I mean, Gosh. Isn't that the truth?! Her dad is Seriously a piece of lazyass Shit and Pervert. *sighs*

I don't know where's the connection of telling the price of a boat and with all the shit. hahahaha it's like so fucking confusing and just now, I saw jon updating her facebook status and saying shit like she was disappointed because feeling betrayed with a family member which i guess it was for Unc.spone. I mean, dude~ she heard all the shit from Chyi. How can she's not learning from the past? Like Who the fuck did make everything in the family turns upside down? who the fuck that always make up some shit so people we're all bad guy??! if i'm her, I would be really upset but I would look at other's perspective as well. Like, come on. *sighs*

I don't know. I don't know which side I'm gonna take but yeah, I guess I wouldn't getting involves like I used too. I mean, I don't want things to be bad again like everyone isn't going to spend time together anymore and everything there's between us is all hate no more love. It's hurtful like that. I'm a very sensitive person. AND about that bitch saying that she'll hate my dad forever, please do so. You know karma is a bitch too. She's definitely has forgotten the one who open the door towards better living for them and who has been there to support them whole the way up. and now, they're at the top, they started to hate the one who bring them to the top. Fine, okay. Hate my dad meaning hating me too. I mean, I do hate him as well but he's still my dad and I owed him big time. And for uncle spone, I know he has pathetic life and his family is broken. I know he's a drunkard but at least he work for his success and WAY better than her lazyass shit dad. *rolled eyes*

and also for Jon, I hope she would open her eyes widely and realized that bitch is all talk. What if the thing she said was like 2000 years ago? it's not even recently? What if?! and if she ever go on and disliking Unc.Spone, then that's mean, she forgotten everything that unc.spone has done for her family and stuff. And instead of blaming it on other, then why not she tell her husband to keep on looking for a job instead of waiting for the job to come? and prove it to everyone that he wasn't lazy like what people said? Job wasn't gonna come to you like that if you're not going to do anything to get it. Unless you're a genius or something. If you're a mere human, then work for it.

Shitty stuff happens I guess. hahahaha *sighs* oh well, I guess that's it for now. I shall update again soon. I mean, later after class since I have class at 1.oo but I need to take the photocopied book from the store ahahaha so need to go early. I promise I'll write out something brighter later on hahahaha :3

Adieu <3

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

This Life Have No Mercy On Me. (February + March)

Oh hey.

Its been a while I didn't update here. Last I'm updating this blog is like last month hahaha well, it's not that I'm lazy... Well, that too but actually I've been wanting to update it just that I don't feel fair for you know... Updating this blog with all the terrible and sad things. How I miss to update this blog with happy things hahaha but yeah, my life. What to do? I can't change it, I just can try to learn how to live in it and endure it. I have not much choice around here. Hahaha and even i feel like the light of my future is dimmer nowadays hahahaha i feel like a failure. Last few weeks ago, I kinda saw our last semester's results and i kinda get something like E and D grade and then when I saw almost all of my classmates get A and the lowest is B grade i feel... You know.. Bad and kinda disappointed at myself because I know I can do better than getting an E or a D for a grades but I can't because this depression is getting on my head. I just... Well, i can't concentrate you know, without cutting myself to bleed. It's like I'm pretty much easy to get distracted by the negative thought in my head and i get tired and itritated very easy in this past few weeks but I have to pretend that i'm not irritated or uhhh feel like being stabbed with words hahaha yeah, i know they didn't mean it or even purposely saying such words but man, its hurt me like being being stabbed million knifes. Hahahaha yeah. I'm very self-conscious in this few weeks but it's not really the problem that trigger me to cut again. Oh yes, i've stopped uh i don't know if stop is the right word. I think it's much more suitable to call it as uh.... Um... Pause? HAHAHA okay, uhh just assumed it as pause hahahaha since i don't feel like stopping from cutting though because its really helping you see. I just *sighs* i know its wrong and i know I shouldn't do it but even though it is wrong, It feel so right. And yeah, honestly, I cut deeper nowadays and no, i'm not proud of it. I'm embarrased and very disappointed at myself. I feel like i'm giving up to temptation hahaha wow, i feel like making this up. But no man. I'm not. In fact, I've just cutted this morning because yeah, i'm angry. Hahaha *sighs*

Pretty bad huh? I know.....but it really work you know just the consequences is that i have to sit in the bathroom for few minutes to stop the bleeding hahaha but yeah. It sting under the sleeves because of the friction pfft i dont know what i'm talking about hahaha oh, i went too far off the from the thing i wanted to say hehehehe sorry~ sorry~ XD

So, what's trigger me back? Hm... Should I tell? Well maybe. I need to let it out of my head anyway. Hahaha if not, i'll end up hating my dad even more hahaha i know i shouldn't be saying that I hate him oh scratch that. I dislike him not hating, i think hahaha anyway. You see, last week if i'm not mistaken. We were having this usual family gathering and plus uncle den and his wife came over lah. The thing is that, my brother's friend come over but my dad recklessly kick them out in front of them and my brother is losing his shit that they're like yelling at each other and my brother suddenly become so mad and he kicks my mom's sewing machine you know and he yelled at mom saying bad stuff and angry at her because of dad's action. I'm trembling shit you know but i don't get mad at my brother that time, i'm mad at my dad. I mean, come on. How stupid can he be? why must he kick my brother's friends out when there's other people outside. I mean, why didn't he do it other time when people's not around? It fucking wmbarrassing okay? What he want to prove in front of our other family? He want to show how majestic he is? No it just stupid. PLAIN FUCKING STUPID. I mean ugh. He should be shameful about it. I mean, people watching okay? And do he want peope to know that our family is fucked up? Maybe that what he want. He want people to know that our family is breaking and my brother is a shit and a drug addict. Maybe that what he want. and what i hate the most when he did that is he hurt mom. My brother end up yelling at mom because of him and making mom cries and embarrased her in front of her siblings. I'm so fucking mad okay? It just ughhh. And you know, I called him idiot in front of mom and well, its just slipped of my tongue hahaha but honestly. It just stupid. I can't. It make me hate him more. He hurt mom. I don't like it. He making things worst in this house. It already hell in here okay? We don't need him to make it worst. I just don't understand why he did it. It just fucking stupid. *sighs* i cutted that night because i can't say or show my real emotion to them because i know if I did, it just making things worst. So i took the blade and release my anger on myself. It for everyone good though and they seems not to notice anything peculiar about me hahaha since i'm always gloomy like this kehehe XDD 

And i'm actually worried about this new cuts because I'm having uhh presentation tomorrow and I have bo long sleeves formal attire and i'm dead hahahaha hopefully BB cream would work though. *sighs* 

School isn't stressful yet but yeah i can manage tho. *sighs* it just that its getting stressful when my dad started to say something like me going to continue to my degree and shit. And its freaking stressing me out you see because I know  my intelligence limit is and you know how bad my results is. It just mannn... I do hate him but at the same time i want to make him.. No actually, i want to make my mom proud of me. and the way he keep on repeating the degree shit its make it sound i don't want to continue. And the more frequent he repeat it, the more I don't want to continue it mann. I mean, i know that taking degree will help me get a better job. I'm not idiot okay? *sighs* i'm just ughhh.... I don't know what to think or say anymore. I'm so angry at everything. Fuck everything.

And now, honestly. i'm not sure what i want anymore. I'm tired and I just *sighs* i don't feel like doing anything anymore everyone is just getting on my nerves and they never care how i feel. It just unfair. And my parents, whenever I mumbling back they'll say something like I never want to listen to what they said. i mean come onn! Do they ever take time to listen to what i wanna say? NO right?! Fuck it.

I just don't know anymore.

I'm just plain miserable right now. I'm not even sure what I wanted to do anymore and I have no feeling of doing anything but procrastinating and self-depreciating. As usual, I just keep on hurting people feelings because I'm being selfish. Yeah, I hurt people again and again and maybe this cycle will never end. Sometimes I wonder, why am I born like this? I keep on losing track from the right path, I know I have good brains but I didn't know how to use it. I'm too lazy and useless piece of shit. All I know is complaining about how life is. I'm tired of complaining honestly. I'm tired of chasing people and pleading for them to stay. I'm tired of saying nice things to people who I think deserve the hates and insults. I'm tired of wearing this fake smiles everyday at school. I'm tired of wanting to cry but my tears won't fall off. I'm tired of my shitty face. I'm tired of my fake teeth. I'm tired of myself. I'm tired of people insulting my hobby and saying that it's for kids. I'm tired that people judging me. I'm tired of the same old song that I keep on repeating on my playlist because I'm so left behind. I'm tired of everything. I'm tired of people. I'm tired of having interaction with anyone. Sometimes I ask myself, when will I have the courage of killing myself? It's not like people will get worried or teary of my death anyway. Well, maybe they do but maybe it will be only for a month, if I'm lucky hahaha. Yeah, I think I'm better off dead. I keep on hurting people though. So what's the point of staying alive? I can't make my parent happy. Like, look... my results sucks man, it should be thrown into the dustbin. No other colleges want to accept someone with that kind of fucking results. All I ever do is disappointing people around me. So, if I ever kill myself, maybe only my family that will cry over my death. Like, I don't even have lots of friends though. So, yeah.

Besides, I'm just a burden to this family. I even hate my dad. I don't talk nicely to them both. Sometimes I think they're annoying. They never understand or care about me though. All they ever think of is the money that my brother keep on wasting on the shitty drugs and how they want me to continue my studies in the field that I don't even like. Heh, not that they doesn't know about it. They keep pushing me to do what they want me to do. Have they ever ask what I want? NO. FUCKING NO. they want the perfect daughter, for god sake. Man.... If only they could see, how imperfect i am. Why can't they accept my true ambition? I'm tired okay. I'm tired of doing things that people ask me to do. I don't even like them but psssh... even if I told them that I don't like it for over millionth of time, it's not like they care about it. They will just keep on insisting me to do it. No one ever think of my feelings anyway and here I am, think how bad I am for unable to satisfy them because I keep on failing doing what I hate. I'm just pathetic. Ugh.

The hate I have for myself can't be measured with words anymore.

Ugliness. Toothless. Useless. Idiots. Pathetic. A Burden. A Monster.. Man... Why am I even born?
I just wanted to die.
People hates me.
Everyone hates me anyway.
I lost my reason to keep living.

The Year Barely Starting, And I Already Had It Bad.

Hello there~! It's new year. Yep, it's already 2014 people~! XD hahahahaha it's beginning of something new. Yeah, well nothing much change though. Honestly, I think nothing is really change. hahahaha XD Everything still the same, except for the year and age and yeah, I've changed a bit in my appearance hehehe :D like, more piercing and dyed hair. Yeah, hahaha. Um... Well, I really wanted to say something happy here but I end up just using this blog to rant out my problems. hahahaha geez. I'm pathetic, I know. I know. You don't have to tell me something that I've known for so long hehehei. Yeah, as usual. I'll be just ranting around here today. *sighs* I'm sorry Mr.Bloggy. I can't promised you anything but I'll try to update something cheerful next time :)

So yeah. well, honestly said that I'm not feeling really great like everyday but today it just more. I don't know why, but I'm just having that feeling of crying. I feel so weak and i feel its so freaking hard to breathe. I did cried but right now, my chest just felt tightened and I can't even cry hahaha. Well, I'm not really sure what I'm really feeling right now. I'm just feeling... useless? I feel like apologizing for everyone for existing. I mean, well. Yeah, like you can tell now... I feel like no one really cares for me and it was all me who cares about them. And honestly, I've cried like this too last few days and well, I ended up cutting myself again. Uh, relapsed. I don't want too but the more I fight the urge, the more I feel I needed to cut myself. Well, I guess I'm just weak. I can't even say no to the temptations. I'm just pathetic. and I'm a failure too. *sighs* why am I even exist?

And then, there's my parent. My mom to be exact. I know that she's been stressed because of my stupid brother and well, I don't know why but in this few days, my mom seems to purposely finding my mistakes and well, I can sense that she think that I dislike to be with her. Honestly, it's not what I'm doing. Well, I did locked myself in my room all day and barely spoken to her. But then, i'm just doing it because I don't want to burden her more with my problems. She had enough with her own and my idiotic brother's. I mean, I just don't want her to stress even more. But lately, I realized that she might think that I'm well... I don't want to be with her because of the way I'm repelling her presences. And I know that she's blaming me for doing it. I take the blame with open heart because I realized it's really is my fault. I shouldn't do that you know. But then, I'm a grown up. I need my privacy too. I can't always be together with her. I do loves her and I know that she's miserable right now because of my brother but what can I do? I'm pretty much fucked up myself. I can't even help myself. how can I help her? Sometimes it really hurt me when I saw her puffy eyes but I'm just useless. I don't know what to do. All I ever did until today is running away from the reality that is in front of me. All i'm good at is running away. Yeah, now you can see why its my fault afterall.
I don't really deserved a good mother like mom. I don't deserved to be adopted by good person like her. I'm just another burdened. I think it's much more easier for her and dad if I never exist after all. I mean, less person to worry, right? They can just focus more on fixing my stupid brother.

And yeah, honestly said. I'm pretty much feel like I don't belong in this house. I feel like being neglected. None of people in this house ever ask me how I'm really feeling, what I've been doing and how's my school going. They don't really care why I'm skipping meals sometimes, why I have this red mark on my wrist and everything. They just never did. Honestly, the first time I cut was to release myself from emotional pain, and the second time I cut, I just want some attention from people, especially my parents. But hell, I was throwing myself into the pit of hell hahaha. no one cares. no one really cares.
All my parent ever said to me is that to tell me to work hard on my grades, get a better jobs, continue my course to degree level, must listen to them, always obey their commands, being a perfect daughter. No, mom, dad. I can't do that. I'm not perfect, I never be perfect. And then, there this one part where my parents broke their promises. Always did. I'm tired of promises yet I always so naive to hope that they going to make it come true sometimes. Like once, I remember it like it was just yesterday when my dad told me that I can take whatever course I want after I finished my diploma in accounting, the course they chose for me. And now, they want me to continue degree in accounting. What? don't they know that it's hurt me so much? I mean, I don't even like accounting but I struggle hard to pass every semester because of the empty promises they make. It's hurt me so damn much. I feel like my dream is crashed into million pieces. But who cares? Who cares how important that little useless dream of mine to me? no one cares. I'm just tired living like this. I know that I may not be abused or having physically tortured. But this, this hurt too. Emotionally hurt makes you go insane you know. You don't even know what you want anymore. All you want to do is I don't know, give up?

I'm so fucked up. I avoid my best friend, I cut connection with everyone, I just.... Well, I just thought that they don't deserve to have connection with some fucked up bitch like me. They deserved someone better for sure. I don't want people to know how fucked up I am, I don't want them to know what I'm going through, I'm just.... well, I just want them to look up for me when they're feeling down like "Hey, if pgie can be happy and laugh all the time, maybe I can too,." It doesn't matter anymore if I'm hurt deeply. As long as people around me is happy, then it's really okay. I know, hurting like this make me feel so down, just like right now but yeah....I choose this.
'
And sis Jaba. Well, I think everything is okay for her now. I mean, her relationship with her family. I mean, I can see that they're getting closer now. I'm happy for her though but well, honestly I'm a bit envious with them. I remember once she told me that her parent sung together at the kitchen and well, it's romantic though. I wish my parent would do the same. And then, there are time she told me that her dad tells her stories about ghosts. I wish my dad or mum would share me something like that too and there also time she told me that her dad suddenly pats her head, I want my parents to do it to me too, without reason or with reason, either way is fine. I sounds really jealous right? hahaha yeah, that's how pathetic I am. hahahaha and then when we just got back from KL trip, since we're going to Jaba's place first, I saw Inut ran out from their house just to hug her. Me? I don't even get a simple 'welcome back' from mom. heh. I don't feel at home. honestly. But I guess it's wrong for me to say it like this. I feel like I'm demanding so much. *sighs*

What's the use if I can have everything materialistic if I can't even have warmth from parents? Hell, don't say warmth, my parent even barely talk to each other. Even if they talked, they only talked about my brother or money. I don't think they ever talk about me. It's my fault though,  I never get out of my room anyway. I'm just lazy daughter who did nothing but online and watching anime all day. That's what my parent think of me. They don't even try to reach out for me. It's not that they didn't see it, they just don't want to understand it. Man, I can't stop crying right now hahahaha geez. It's 5 a.m and I'm not even sleepy. mom is going to kill me later for wake up late. hahahaha ugh.

I'm tired. So freaking tired. Right now I just want to cut myself again but I'm afraid that if I cut at the same place, people will immediately noticed it. Well, it's not like they care but well....*shrugs* We'll see. Like Jaba said to me once, if I want to cut it's up to me. Because it was my own desire to cut. If I ever felt sorry for breaking promises, I should apologize to myself. Well, in short, she was indirectly tell me that its useless telling anyone or making anyone as your reference to keep breathing. In the end, you have to deal with everything yourself. In the end, there's no one else but yourself. I guess she's right. And well, that's why I never tell anyone about my problems anymore. I can't let them in anymore. I'll just pretend that everything is okay whenever I'm with them and well break down again in the night time. Faking a smile won't hurt them but myself. So, just consider this as a punishment for myself for lying to them hehehe :)

So, I guess that's all. I think I should try to sleep hahahaha XDD
so, yeah.
Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)