Hello again~! hahaha :) Things aren't pretty good lately but here I am, breathing and alive. Well, barely. hahahaha well, honestly things gotten pretty great honestly until today. It just my fucking stupid brother doing something unnecessarily idiotic hahaha *sighs* Well, actually it has been like this for few days but I can still ignore it but today, it just. I don't know. Maybe I've been ignoring it for so long so it just BAM! burst hahaha
And if he keep doing this, I don't know if I have the strength to keep on living. Well, I know I should be strong and shit like that for the sake of my parents but dude, it's not that I can do anything. I'm just here and be like ya know. A burden. Yep. I'm just another burden for them. If like I'm gone, they only have to worry about that fucking idiots. But that just what I think. Not that it's true, well it is true but that's not what really make me feel down. It just the uselessness I feel everything that fucker being an idiot. I should try to do something but what can I do? I'm just useless. There's lot I can do but I did none. Why? Because I'm fucking coward. All I do is talk and get mad and cut myself until I bleed to death. Yes, A coward. Only coward would do this. I know, I know... Then tell me some more fucking reason why I should kill myself?
Maybe like if I end myself, that fucker will finally realized that he's the cause of my depression and anything and YES, I KNOW. I sounds like I put blame on that guy for my depression shit well, I am blaming him hahahaha I'm not actually depress okay? I'm just angry. Angry at how fucking useless I am and how coward I am. I'm just so FUCKING angry at myself.
Eugh. I really does hate myself. My kind of hate isn't like because i'm aren't pretty or because I'm fat. WEll, part of it yes but 60% of it because I'm fucking USELESS. I hate myself for that. Ugh. Why am I born coward? *sighs*
I don't know what I'm talking about hahaha. And yeah, mom told me that that fucker get mad at her and ask her to change the modem shit and then when mom told him she doesn't know how, he fucking said like then what the use of pgie going to school like all the fucking time studying shit? and I'm like what the fuck man? At least I'm doing something damn it. EUGH
I HATE THIS HOUSE, I HATE THAT FUCKER, I JUST HATE HIM. I SWEAR, I'M NOT GONNA SHED A SINGLE FUCKING TEARS FOR SHITFACE LIKE HIM IF HE DIE. I JUST WISH HE DIE ALREADY.
why is it so hard for him to just die???
EUGH.
and then, there's sis Jon. Yesterday, she ask me if I want to accompany her to straighten her hair this weekend and so I told her like, I'm not sure yet and I'll tell you this saturday, I said. so she said, oh ok ok. And then today, I start a conversation in the fucking morning and she's fucking ignore me until this evening. I know she's on WeChat, she's chatting with sis Inut and sis Jaba though. Like, dude.... If you're not okay with it, just say it. EUgh.
*sighs* I'm so distracted right now. Like, well. I've been distracted since a while now honestly. Like, something happen also with sis Jaba like sometimes, I feel like she doesn't really want to listen to what I'm trying to tell her and anything. Like, that one time. I was telling her about my story idea, well plot and she suddenly cut me off and say something else. It's not the first time she did that, but I keep it to myself though. Well, not that my story plot is interesting or important anyway. Oh well *shrugs* I guess, I should realize that she's easily distracted? hahaha yeah, I guess. That suppose to not upset me so much but well. whatever. it already pass. hahaha
And then, I think I should like slowly stop telling others about how sad I am and like oh I cut today. It's like, I'm just doing it to seek for attention. Well, I am an attention seeker but whole cut thing. It just... I don't know. Sometimes, what's the point of telling if there's nobody cares about it? and there's no reason why they should care. They just saying such because they pitied me. I don't trust words anymore. They're annoyed me honestly. Anyone can say sweet things and say how much they care about you and everything but words. Is just a words.
Even if they bullshitting us, we don't know. That's words.
And even this blog, I could be bullshitting you. Because words.
And well, maybe I cut because I Missed the feeling. Yeah. But no. I don't cut because I missed it. I hate it. I hate to do it but what can I do? I'm so angry but I have to suppress my anger so I wouldn't blow it to my mom. I have to suppress my anger so I wouldn't upset her event more. I need to let it out and how much mom's sad face triggering me. I'm just so fucking mad at myself and at that fucking idiot, I JUST HATE HIM! and I need a release.
I need to punish myself....
door slamming is now like a competition in this family and I'm so sick of it. Sometimes, I just want to run away. Well, that seems to what I'm good at. I don't want any help.
God, I even think I'm losing my faith. I'm so sorry. I'm not strong enough to keep it together. I'm just weak and I've been praying a lot before this but it just making things worst. Where were You when I need You the most? This is too much for me to deal with. The pressure, the stress I get from school and shits. It just God. What have I done that I deserve this?
*sighs* I should be studying right now but meh. I don't feel like it at all. I'm so tired like my energy is being sucked out of me. I'm just a lost cause, I guess. hahahaha. I'll try to wake up early tomorrow and study a bit.
*sigghssss*
I should just die.
Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.