I'm Fine, but I'm Not Okay

Heyyo! I'm back again.
Well, I haven't been myself lately. I mean, since my last post because of a sudden rush of emotion hit me like all at once. So, I was having a slight emotional overload. I did try to like... You know, talk it out or write it down but it just, I don't know. I just... first time ever that I don't actually know what's happening to me. I mean, I know what happen to me it just that, usually I know what's making me feeling this way but this time, everything feel so dull. And you know I'm feeling worst when I started to write again. hahahaha yeah, that's how I know I'm not feeling myself. Whenever I start to write again, it's mean that I am not okay. I mean, I feel fine. It just that... I don't know. Most of the time I just feel like I'm a huge disappointment. I mean, overall. I am a disappointment. And now that I'm back at Miri again, and I feel like I just wasted the money that my parents gave me when I was still at Singapore. It feel like a dream that I went there. I feel bad for leaving but I feel like I'm doing the right thing. When I was still there, I don't feel like I belong there. I don't know, it just. Everything over there just not for me. The city is cool and all and the people there is okay but I just don't feel like I belong to the place. But maybe I am just making excuses for leaving that place but I don't know. 

I don't know what I'm feeling lately. I'm literally shutting down and I shut everyone, I mean EVERYONE out. I don't even give a shit about anyone. I'm literally just moving soulless. I started to write again because I'm scared that I might lose myself. That I completely shutting down and just live my life like a robot. Soulless. I've been doing nothing for the past two month and hell, I don't feel good about it. I started to care about what other people may think about it and how their perspective on me. I mean, I know well how people think. And now that I'm jobless, I can sense all the stares and wordless judgements I get from people. Maybe I'm just overthinking it but you know how it is. People may started to think that I'm going to turn into my hopeless brother. 

And speaking of that piece of shit. Damn, he really a piece of shit. I mean, I'm sure he know that no one in this household is working, but damn.... He still be asking for couple of hundreds. I'm just... I'm past being disappointment at him. I want to not losing hope on him but I can't. I can't because I can't having hope on someone who doesn't even give a shit about changing his lifestyle. 

I'm seriously stressed but I feel fine at the same time. It just sometimes, I feel like death is pretty convenience.  I'm useless. I try to minimize everything I used in the house. Like eating, using electricity.... I just, I feel bad for everything you know. Like, *shrugs* I don't know. I'm so so fucking lost right now.

 I really am not sure where I'm going or what I'm going to do next with my life. I'm seriously losing my sight of how I've been imagine my future would be. I mean, I've been growing up to be a girl who always have clear vision of what she wants in life and she would do whatever to make it come true. Right now, I don't know if I still am that same girl or maybe I still have it in me. I don't know. I'm actually a little bit doubting myself lately. There are times that I thought like I wanna try writing but I know how bad my writing is hahahaha and currently, I wanna try to do the Youtube thingy. Maybe I will try the Youtube thingy. I know what I need to get before I get started but then I still need to find the job first. Then, I can afford to buy stuff essential for my channel. And also, I've been thinking that I wanna buy some furniture for my house and actually lives there. It's seems wasted that I didn't even lives there tbh. Maybe once I get the job, the first thing I would do is to connect Wifi to the house. Then, I'll do the rest. *Sighs* 

 And I'm also pretty worry about Shawn. He become more and more stubborn and he's too obsess with his phone. Sometimes I feel like slapped him you know. hahahaha but I'm not gonna do that though. I'm not that bad. *Sighs*

And both mom and dad. They're both aren't well. I know it but they doesn't wanna show it to me, like they always did. And I guess, I'm failing at mending things with dad. Gosh, right now I'm 1320% sure that I fucked everything that I ever do. Family, work, friendships--- It feels like everything I did, always turn out badly. I want to believe that everything happens for a reason and that things doesn't ended well for me because it wasn't the path that I'm suppose to take. I know and I embrace that fact but it just so hard. Because I feel like an ultimate failure. 

People always says that you're gonna regret it if you don't do it but they never say that when things doesn't turn out like you hope they would, it will hurt you like hell, make you feel like a failure and ultimate disappointment for your family and shit. I don't know how I'm gonna fix things in my life right now. Everything feel so... bad and I can't even cry. So it's really bad.Like really, really bad. 

There was a time that I wanna drag the blade across my wrist but I didn't do it. I don't wanna be to reliable on the blades though. I mean, I feel overwhelmed with feelings that I don't even know what feeling am I actually feeling right now. I mean, I know what I need to do, but I don't know if I'm doing the right thing anymore. 

Also, this Tuesday I'm going back to Singapore and to take my stuff back. I guess I'll use that time to think thoroughly on everything. On what I really really wanna do and how I wanna fix things. Fix my mental state so I can come back and be the girl that have a strong set of minds, the girl who doesn't know how to give up, the girl who always shows people that she's able to do shit that they thought she couldn't, and be the girl who is always have her own back, no matter how much life try to drag her down. 
I want to be that girl again. and the small voice inside my head is telling me that I just need to do things slowly. try not to overwhelm myself with the things I wanna do. Just do things slowly. Do it one by one. Maybe I can list down what I should do after I get my things back from Singapore.
Okay, here goes nothing:

1. Write cover letter and send the resume.
2. Bring stuff to my house and arrange my stuff there, make it more like home.

That's all? hahahahaha Yeah, and most of the other things is only can be done after I have my first pay check. I need money for it hahahaha *Sighs* Finger cross so hard that I can get that job that I've been wanted to try. The librarian assistance. I don't know how much they're going to pay me but I don't really mind that, since I wanna set up my Youtube channel. I mean, if I can make it work, I can actually have extra income hahahaha. But I'm not sure if I can do it, I mean, it took hard work and time. Well, I guess I'll never know if I never try. AND YEah, can you see my problems here?

 I always not afraid to try new things but when things doesn't work out like I wanted it too, it will hit me hard. Like right now. I've been soulless human for two straight month hahaha *sighs*

Oh, also... Today I found out that Logan and Alexandria Ddarrio ever engage with each other I'm like whaaaat. But they end things last two years back. And I realize that I wasn't really into Logan back there too and then, I went back obsessing with him, last year. I wishes him happy birthday hahahaha and I think, I didn't do it this year. Oh well, I still have next year. HAHAHAHA Also, yesterday I was suddenly thinking that Dylan Minnette is so cute and so I went on google his picture and then I realize that he looks almost like Logan. I'm like DAMN. Logan Lerman is my seriously my type. HAHAHAHAHA I don't know why I like him so much. If you look at my older post, everything is like almost about him. HAHAHAHAHA
but back then, I was definitely obsess with him. Nowadays, I'm just using most of his pictures as one of the character in the story I'm writing HAHAHAHA I mean, I need a reason to download his pictures. Like what if one day he happen to really is my future husband and if he ask me why do I have one whole folder full with his pics, so I can tell him that I was using it for my stories and stuff HAHAHAHAHA

Wow, if Logan Lerman really going to marry me one day, I'm gonna ask him to hit me, every morning because I could be dreaming or in a long coma. HAHAHAHAHA But finger cross though. For now, I'm just pretending that I'm actually dating him. I don't wanna look for relationship right now to be honest. Well. Except for Logan. If he wanna date me, I'd say yes right away. HAHAHAHA I mean, c'mon now. You wouldn't say no to him either. But yeah, serious talk though. I have so much in my plate right now. I need to straighten things up with my dad, I need to discipline Shawn and I need to prove to my mom that I'm able to take care of both Shawn and I. That she doesn't have to be worried about Shawn and focus on making herself feel better. It's enough that she and dad have my idiotic brother to be worry about. *sighs* 

Sometimes, I couldn't help but to wonder why I have so much in my plate? Am I really capable of balancing this plate of responsibility and my life? Because most of the time, I feel like I'm incapable of doing that hahahaha. Why are You putting so much faith in me? I am a literal piece of garbage, Lord. But I guess, I'm gonna have my answers when I'm not looking for it, like usual hahaha. *sighs* Well, for sure, I'm not asking for much but strength and faith. I won't ask things to get easier but please, please, pleaaase give me strength so I can face it like I suppose to. 

Well, I guess that's all I wanna talk about right now. Hmmm..... I don't know if anything even make any sense. HAHAHAHA I just write whatever that popped up in my head. Also, that is my favourite selfie of me so far hahahaha. 

Last but not the least.... Well, I just wanna say that, Lord. If you hear me right now, while I'm juggling with all this responsibility and depression, can you at least rewards me Logan Lerman? HAHAHAHAHAHA
I'm half kidding. [ FINGER CROSS SO HARD ]





Okay, then. I guess that really all.
Stay safe, darling.

xoxo


P.S : Life is fair because it's being unfair towards everybody.