Hi. I put up a happy selfie here but I don't actually feel that happy hahaha um... Well, I just had a sudden emotion wreck and I well-- I realized how lonely I am. hahaha well, it's nothing new. I know, I know I've been talking about how lonely I am and that I don't really need people to be beside me all the time. I mean, I don't exactly need people to be with me 24 hours but well--- How should I put this. I feel alone. I mean, yea... I have family and friends but having them doesn't make me feel less lonely. I feel like that they don't exactly care? I don't know. It must be just my brain talking or I'm just tired. I guess. haha... Well, actually this sudden realization hit me last sunday. During Easter, and I went to church with my family and sis Jaba and her family was there too. And there this one session where we just shake hands with everyone, like you know, since we're a one big family and stuff and when that time comes, I realized that everyone else have someone to shook their hands with and I literally stood there, laugh awkwardly for a second, because I just didn't have anyone to shook with like literally. I felt a pang in my heart but I decided not to show it because yeah, I... I guess it doesn't even matter though. I mean, not as if people would realize it anyway. I mean, I always have friends to go out with right? I'm a very friendly person, right? That I surely always have someone to be around with right? heh, all of that is just a bullshit. I mean, I do realized that I have friends, best friends and all the shit, but by the end of the day, I ended up curling on my bed all by myself, Hell, I think I have more conversation with myself than other people. I wish it was easy to reach out. I do want to reach out, I want to tell people, somebody.. anybody at least... that I feel so alone that it so hard to get through each and every day, wanting to be surrounded by people and you just don't want that day to end because you knew, you knew so well that once you go home, that feeling you loathed is going to drown you.
I wanna reached out sometimes. But I don't think that there would be people who would understand or even care. I mean, I could tell that they would tell me something like "You lonely? But you have so many friends!" or something like, "Oh, you have us!" bullshit. BULLSHIT. Sometimes, I need something more than just words of assurance. I guess, this is the irony of my previous post haha... I'm doing what I wish people do to me to other people. It's actually my deepest desire that someone would actually swam the ocean for me, like I did for them. But I guess it's impossible. I guess, I really outdone myself eh? But if I didn't do all those shit, I won't have anybody and I'll ended up literally alone and I hate that. If miracles really exist, I just hope that someone would come to me while I was all laughing and smiling, and look me in the eyes, and told me, "Stop pretending that you're okay all the time. You're lying to yourself and you'll ended up hurting yourself."
But that's only will happen in the movie. Heh.. Sometimes I wish my whole life is just a movie or a mini series or something. It feel so hard, even just to take a breather sometimes. Oh, I relapsed. I can't stand the lumpy feeling in my chest and I can't exactly screamed it out, all my frustration and shit. So, I thought it's my last resort. So I just drag the blade across my skin, making a few red streak, not too deep but just enough to drew a little blood. I feel a little relief though. I mean, no one would even take notice of it anyway. So, I just didn't see any point of not doing it. I mean, scars. Yeah, I already have them. From my previous cuts and 'sides, I already am having skins problems hahahaha. It sting though but that's okay. I miss it.I feel better.
I wonder... I'm not saying that I'm suicidal right now. No, I never actually want to die but I wonder... If I drew the blade a little closer to my wrist and a little deeper until I actually cut my veins, I wonder how would my so-called friends would react. I wonder how would people who told me they love me would react. I wonder how my parents would react. What would they do? Will they just cry and told me that they should see all the signs? Or would they be there for me and keep an eye on me so I wouldn't do it ever again? well, I guess we never know until I finally do it hahaha. Just kidding. I won't do it. I don't have the guts to do it anyway. I'm a coward. The best I would do is yeah, just small cuts. So nothing to worry about. It's not that dangerous. I mean, it's not easy to completely heal if you had the kind of thinking like me. I'm weak. hahahaha Haaaaa.... I guess I'll just wear my cardigan tomorrow. It'll heal in a week or so, So... I'm not worry about it. I'll just have to hide it.... Or not. I mean, who cares? They all have their own problems to deal with. Why should they care about what happen to me. I don't matter. I'll stay quiet for a while. Taking a break from social medias, I guess. And well, I probably just stay here, listening to my awesome new playlist lol xD. Yeah, and this is my safe haven. So *sighs* Also, I'm sorry that this turn out to be unhappy post when I promise to talk about something happy this morning. I'll make it up to ya soon. I can promise you that. I just need a break. hahaha.
Well, I guess that's all for now.
Bye ;)
