First Free Saturday :)

Greetings, humanoid! Today is Saturday YAY! my first free saturday. Yep, because last few weeks I was pretty occupied with my assignment and school stuff. SO, this saturday is my very first saturday that I don't really have to think about assignment. Yay Me! hahaha well, there's only one more assignment to do, Business Math Assignment but I think it's pretty easy to do because all I need to do is applying in the formulae and Tadah! it's done hehehe :)

Anyway, right now I'm actually waiting for Lalan to fetch me. We're going to have movie marathon today. Annabelle and Dracula: Untold yep! it's a bit of celebration for my freedom and her second birthday present yeah~! XD

I was inviting sis Jaba to join us but she said she doesn't want too so yeah, well. Maybe next time. She told me that she doesn't wanna too because she wanna take a break and then I told her like, I'll be the one who's driving and she need a little fun and she said No. I don't really mind if she said no it just that, she doesn't have to raise her voice after the second time I ask her to join us. it's pretty hurtful hahaha but yeah, I guess it's my own fault for ya know, being pushy about it. Oh well. Note to self hahaha :) I have a fragile heart.

And yeah, my English presentation went well and people praised my work on slide. they said my team slide are very cute hahahaha XD well, I can't help it because I'm weak for cute stuff. hahahaha :) And then, after we all done with the presentation; because one of my classmates were presenting about cosmetic surgery. So, there this one time my english teacher said like "I don't get it why people are soo obsess of being someone else or trying to be someone they're not. Changing their outlook because they want to be that person; do cosmetic surgery, dying their hair (and this part, she glanced at me), no offence to those who dye your hair. Why dont they just being themselves?" she said that. I'm like, dude.

why are you so judgemental. hahaha But I keep my mouth shut and just let her babbling about her opinion. I know, and I'm agree with her that originality is everything and accept yourself well is very important. But she must know that people have different approached in keeping their own originality. In my case, I dye my hair not because I wanna be like Demi Lovato or Kpop artist; not that I want the attention nor I want to stand out. I dye my hair because I want it too. I want my hair blue and I love it. If she have problem with it, its her problem not mine. It's not that I'm dye-ing her hair anyway. hahahaha. Its what I called self-expression. I do what I want and what I like.

But yeah, then I'm like, yeah whatever you said. She have her own opinion and she voicing her opinion's out. I know she's very straight forward kind of person. So, I'm not blaming her for anything. It just, I'm a bit offended. hahaha seriously. I'm doing it because I want not because I want to be anyone. but what to do? Like I said, different people have different perspective. So I'm just going to respect her opinion about it (^__^)v

I mean, when I dyed my hair blue, I'm sure that some people will like it and some people will criticise it. So, I'm pretty ready with all of it hahaha :)

Oh, oh. this reminds me of there this one time in class. These group of cool kid in the class we;re like, showing a picture of a corpse that have their head blown off and the brain is scattered all over the floor to my friends, ellan and shock hui. It's pretty gore picture I must say. And my friends were like, ewwww and then he show me the picture, and I'm like "Oh..., is the face exploded?" in my normal face and he was like, "What?"
and then the only girl in their group be like, *gasped* "She just said "oh" to the picture!!" to the one who say I look like panda last time hahaha and then the other guy be like, saying something in chinese to Ellan. then shock hui, translate it to me and she said, "He just said, why are you so cool."
And I'm like, "Wait what? what so cool about me??" and then they all be like, "You are cool."
I'm like well thanks? I guesS? hahahaha. and then the guy that show the pic to me is like, "I really like your attitude," I'm like, thanks man. hahahaha

Well, honestly. I'm not cool or anything. It just that I've been playing gore video games since forever. It's like Gore is part of my life. I even read gore manga and gore anime hahahaha and gore movie. So, exploded face or brain scattered all over the floor is like normal stuff for me. Unless its happen in front me, maybe I would freak out. Like seriously. hahaha :)
The only thing that scarred me right now is Jack-chan and gang rape manga. Oh my god. I can't read all that. I just can't. hahahahahahaha *cries* My heart still break eventhough Jack-chan is just from the manga but *sighs* Let's stop talking about it. I dont wanna cry for the third time for Jack-chan. hahaha :)

And so, I'm start to write again. Yeah, Well actually I'm just continuing my unfinished story. hahahaha I really love that story and how the past me has written it. So, I'll just do my best and hopefully I can finish it off this by this year. YEAH! I can't wait. this is my goals for this year. hhehehe :) 

and Oh, my final exam will be on the first week of next month. So, I'm so fired up to get good grades. I'm going to study well this time and I want to get A's or at least B's for this exams. I want to score and to prove my parent that they can really count on me. I think learning is fun. hahaha yes, I really love learning. It just the matter of procrastination and lazy-bones. Taking notes is fun you know. hahahaha :)

So, I'm gonna do my best to get great marks. I don't want to think about my 8 week holiday for now because it will kill my enthusiasm to study hahahaha and OH, i think I'm gonna have my japanese class next year! YAY! I can't wait! hahahaha I wanna learn japanese so bad because I wanna be able to play those otome game that haven't translated into english and watching anime without the subtitles hahahahahahaha can you imagine how wonderful that will be????? HAHAHAHA

and then, this year. I might started my dream to be a cosplayer. hehehe yeah! I'm going to lose few KG of course because I'm about thiiiiiis close of obesity hahahaha I'm just gonna lose about 3 to 5 kg. I mean, 65 kg is already hard to achieve okay? hahahaha I don't mind anymore about my size or anything. It just that I don't want to be obesity hahahaha :)

 I guess, it's time for me to stop writing. I'll be writing soon. So, bye bye for now!

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

I think this post is great to be read when I'm feeling down hahaha :)

Hello again. I'm back and I'm pretty in a good mood because I've found few good music for my ears and some even helping to lift up my downfall mood hahaha yeah, "music heals" people said and it's true. I feel great about myself, my life and everything is great. Well, minus assignment. I haven't started doing anything yet. I was thinking of starting by today but meh. I will, but not now. hahahaha
     I'm sorry for being lazy-bump but well, not really sorry hahaha :D anyway, I'm feeling in the best mood today unlike my other days where I have to fake my laugh, pretending that I'm not annoyed with every small things hahaha yeah, it's pretty hard to do but when you did it very often, you'll get used to it and sometimes, it just become part of you. You wouldn't know anymore if it you pretending or it's really is you. Well, I want to be the real me you know. It's not too late for everything. I wanna change. I want to be able to express out what I really feel; what I like and what I dislike. It's okay to hurt people sometimes. We lived to be hurt. It's more tiring to please people. It is time for us to stand up for ourselves. It's not going to be easy and some people will not like it but what do I expect? Nothing is never easy. I'm worn of pleasing people and being used. I'm tired of doing something I don't like and I'm so freaking tired of complaining. Who cares if they don't like me? I'm just being me, right? If they don't like me if I'm starting be me, then that's mean they never really like me.
But the real problem here is that; I don't really know who I am. hahahaha yeah, that's the real problems. It's like, sometimes I think I'm brave but actually I'm a coward. Sometimes I think I'm strong but honestly I'm just the weakest person ever. Sometimes I think I'm not much of a talker, but honestly I talked a lot.

So, it's pretty confusing. Sometimes, I feel like I'm cool but I'm just a loser. So yeah... hahahaha But I don't want to be a loser though. I want to be the best I can. Well, I want to beat my old self. I want to beat me in my grade, my attitudes, my everything. I wanna be the right person for my parent. I don't wanna be emo-self that always looking down at myself, I want to start over. It's never too late to start over. Like people said, "New day, new beginning."
I want to be stronger that I used too, I want to have stronger faith towards me and our Father. I want to lessen my self-depreciating and I wish not to dwell myself too much about my weight or the fats on my butt and my stomach. I want to be able to feel how it's feels like to be confident and accept yourself as you are. I'm not a super model, I don't have to be pretty or anything. It's the knowledge that's count. And about love, I don't want to think about that first. I mean, I just want to focus on loving myself first and love those who is around me. Less hate, less complaining. Just enjoy the ride. I know, I've been saying that I hated my brother a lot. But well, and believe it or not. There this one quote from the bible which saying, "Love your enemies, and pray for those who prosecuted you," and it's like keep on lingering on my head and then I stumbled upon it few times in some social network. So, I'm taking it as a sign from Him. I'm going to try to forgive my brother and my dad, well. Not try, but will do my best to forgive them and accept them slowly. No matter what they've done, I'm sure they deserved all the forgiveness.
I want to be free.
Yes, I want to be free!
Not free, free like no value. hahahaha anyway. That's what my life goals now. hahaha :)

Anyway, I've been lurking in my Google Drive and I've read a few of my stories and man, cursed my old-self for not finishing all the stories god damn it. hahahaha XD I REALLY LOVE MY OWN STORY MY GOD. hahahaha I sound narcissistic but dude, seriously! hahahaha I really love some of the stories. Yeah, not all of it is my favourite I only have around 3 favourite out of 20 draft I saved in the GDrive. hahahaha

The first one is the Last Descendant. I'm sure I've said this before I think. hahahaha But dude~ I really love the story. I DEMAND FOR CHAPTER TWO hahhahahaha XD *sighs* My heart hurt hahahahaha and and there's another one, the emo story, I don't think I have the title sorted yet because in the draft, I named the doc as yehhhhhh HAHAHAHA shush, I'm very creative okay? hahahaha XD I think I have like 4 drafts for the same plot story but of all of the drafts, I like the very one. Ngh! I can feel the feelings! I don't care if people think otherwise but man, that was the best! I will try to work with that one day. Well, I guess I'll work with it when I'm having my end-year holiday YAY! hahahahahaha XD And then, there's this SEAMUS thing, the uh Nu ABO (new blood) and I think it's another Levedad's AU im writing hahahaha but that one cool too ya know. It's the best of the best gahhh! XDDD

But yeah, speaking of writing. I'm going to write and write and write my story even though no one will even bother have a peek on it, no matter how lousy my english is and how fucked up my grammar is. I just want to write for my future self. Like this! God! I'm soo mad at my past-self. Y U NO FINISH?! hahahahaha
*inhale*outhale* anyway, I'm so going to write hahahaha :) That's my mission.

Okay, so. My finals is around but I'm having one week study break so I'm not that worry hahahahaha I'll make sure I'll study for my finals this time. Since I'm starting my degree now, it's no more time for all play. I mean, I'm going to balance my time with work and play. I'll bring disgrace to my family if I keep on playing and playing. I'm getting rid of people who I don't think is necessary to be kept around because I want to be happy. I may sounds selfish, but dude. I'm doing it for my own. Well, of course, I'm only getting rid of those who I've been giving like 100 chances. hahahaha yeah, I realized that being the good guy eventually meaning "digging your own grave". But it doesn't mean I'm gonna stop being the good guy, I am still being the good guy but well, half-half I guess hahahaha :)

Oh Yuri, you're so sexy haahahaha *ahem* anyway, so.... I'm gonna have my life organized and move forward. Be strong and don't let anyone messing with me anymore because I'm sure that I'm better than this. I'm better than what I used to be and I can do whatever I want, and I know my limits is. I'm confident, I'm smart, I'm thoughtful, I'm eager to learn, I'm a good person, I'm strong, and I'm pretty cute hahahaha XD and not to forget, I love myself, I love my body, I love all the curves and weight is just a number; it doesn't define who I am. I am me and no one can tell me otherwise. I control my life because i can. It's my life and I'm free to live it however I want to.

Hah! I feel better hahahahaha

anyway, I gotta go now. So, I'll update soon~! Adieu <3

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

I wish to disappear.

Hello again! Today i'm updating through my phone because I kinda feel a bit down right now and like i don't want to touch my lappy at all hahaha but i have to touch it sometimes soon because i need to do my assignment and some shits related to school. Anyway, today nothing extravagant happens it just that i'm having my SM midterm and man i'm so exhausted. I don't want to set anything for my marks because i know i fucked up somewhere so meh. 

School is a bit stressing me out because mom now started to repeating the shits like study hard, study hard, study hard and bleh bleh bleh... I'm like dude, i woke up like around 3 or 4 in the morning, doing my notes, reading those shits and having sleep less than 3 hours for  two days out of all the seven days in a week. What do you think i'm doing? *sighs* I have my own pace in studying and i'm so tired. And everytime i came home, i feel exhausted. If only she knew that school is fucking tiring. Yes, all i did in class is like sitting there and listening to what the lecturer is telling me but dude, i'm not exhausted physically, it's mentally. *sighs*

But what's the point of complaining.

And then, I'm started to get bad again. I have the urge to cut again and my paranoia and anxiety is back again. My slef-hate as well making their comeback stage. I hate my stomach gosh. I seriously hate it but not as much as i hate my fucking butts. They're so huge and i'm so embarrassed of it. *sighs* i think i'll try to skip some meals starting tomorrow and since I have like 4 days of holiday; i'll used that time as the opportunity. Hahahaha :) yeah. I'm gonna do that. I mean, not that i'm obsessed to be slim like that. It just, all my clothes is no longer fits me and then even worst, the only trousers that fits me is the maroon one. Gosh. I have nothing to wear. 

And also I can't help it but to be convinced that Aki-chan doesn't really want to talk to me or anything. Well, she does talking to me but meh. She just want to respect sis Jaba, that is why she's forcing herself to talk to me. I realized that she took longer time to reply my chat compare to sis Jaba's chat and sometimes even ignored me but meh. I know i'm not interesting enough or know what to talk about and shits like that. I know i'm not funny and i'm always so emo like that and I don't really watch animes and I don't know a lot about anime and shits and i'm not a biggest fans of yaoi and all sort of that shit. I understand that but meh. Whatever. Not gonna tell anyone about it, this is my bad side that is talking so, yeah. Meh.

Also. I'm not sure anymore if anyone is sincerely wants me to stay in their kife or they actually Don't want me too but they just want to respect my feelings. I keep on saying this but for me, word is just a word. Sometimes, it's really hard for me to believe words from people and there's time I wanna rolled my eyes. Hahahaha but yeah... I appreciate all the talkings and shit like that. It just that, i want people to chase me ya know. Like, i don't know. do something that can prove and show me that they were sincerely care? 

I wish to disappear for few days or month or years sometimes. Without telling anyone about it and see who is actually care to look for me. I sometimes wish that I've study aboard. I guess life will be much easier for me? I just wanna get out you know. All this shit. It just suffocating me. *sighs* 

After posting this. I'm gonna have to put up a fake smile and laugh as if i enjoy every moment when honestly, i just want to disappear. 

♥ Better Mood ♥

Hi, I'm back again. hahahaha yeah. I've reread my afternoon post and I'm like, whoa... chill~ hahahaha and it does sounds like I blame everyone for everything that happens. I guess that's what I get for doing that hahahaha I mean, it's actually all because of myself and I put those to others. Geez, what a fucktard I am.

But I'm cool now. I mean, since that fucker hasn't go home yet so I hope he'll never go home like ever. My life, my day and even my mood is getting merrier hahahaha it's like eugh, his presence is just eugh. I genuinely hate him. hahahaha
And my skype is freaking idiot, it just sign me out and then as I try to log in, it said like wrong password im like what the fuck man? I know my password damn it. i've tried like 3-4 times and i gave up hahaha I'll just try again tomorrow.

And yeah, about sis Jon. I'm totally out of it just now like I've been like, jump to a conclusion. Yeah, blame me. hahahahaha she actually use another phone for the other chat so i'm like ohkayy... sorry hahahah so yeah, I told her that I'll just go with her this Sunday? i think. *gasped* what if it not sunday? then... OH my god. What have I done. ohh wait. but she work on saturday right? I guess it must be on sunday hahahaha *fewwhhh* hahahaha anyway, I'll try to make it up to everyone though because yeah, my depression is like always overpowered me and i'm so sorry for being so weak against it and like i said, I'm just a lost cause. hahahahaha

And I was thinking of having babath after this and maybe printing out the summaries and read through the case studies for Strategic Management. Yeah, I need to study that shit. The handsome lecturer didn't give much of tips. All he said is just study chapter one until chapter four. I'm like dude, what the shit? in short time you ask me to study all the shit?? hahahahaha haaaa.... anyway, I'll just focus on the 5 forces and SWOT analysis since that shit was the most shit he talked about in class. if it not gonna came out this Thursday wo die laa hahahaha

Anyway, I've just received my Industrial Training results and I got B+ and I'm like thank you Lord! hahahaha I fucked up a lot with my uhh, presentation last time so it's seriously WOw. i'm just WOW man hahahaha and uhh, what else to talk about? Hmm.... Oh, i'm re-playing My Sweet Bodyguard and there this one character named Sora Hirosue and he so much reminds me of Masaomi Kida from drrr!! his looks, his attitude and his flirtatiousness hahahaha it just sooo kida. He's cute tooo XDDD

and uhh, what else. Oh, uh I guess that's all for now. Since there's not so much happening in my life right now just the same old thing it's like my life is circling hahahaha. And ah, I just can't wait to move out from this house by the way. hahaha I need new environment. maybe I can concentrate more on my own recovery. I just need to be somewhere where I won't be with that fucktard.


So yeah :)
Byebye!

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

Dunno

Hello again~! hahaha :) Things aren't pretty good lately but here I am, breathing and alive. Well, barely. hahahaha well, honestly things gotten  pretty great honestly until today. It just my fucking stupid brother doing something unnecessarily idiotic hahaha *sighs* Well, actually it has been like this for few days but I can still ignore it but today, it just. I don't know. Maybe I've been ignoring it for so long so it just BAM! burst hahaha

And if he keep doing this, I don't know if I have the strength to keep on living. Well, I know I should be strong and shit like that for the sake of my parents but dude, it's not that I can do anything. I'm just here and be like ya know. A burden. Yep. I'm just another burden for them. If like I'm gone, they only have to worry about that fucking idiots. But that just what I think. Not that it's true, well it is true but that's not what really make me feel down. It just the uselessness I feel everything that fucker being an idiot. I should try to do something but what can I do? I'm just useless. There's lot I can do but I did none. Why? Because I'm fucking coward. All I do is talk and get mad and cut myself until I bleed to death. Yes, A coward. Only coward would do this. I know, I know... Then tell me some more fucking reason why I should kill myself?

Maybe like if I end myself, that fucker will finally realized that he's the cause of my depression and anything and YES, I KNOW. I sounds like I put blame on that guy for my depression shit well, I am blaming him hahahaha I'm not actually depress okay? I'm just angry. Angry at how fucking useless I am and how coward I am. I'm just so FUCKING angry at myself.

Eugh. I really does hate myself. My kind of hate isn't like because i'm aren't pretty or because I'm fat. WEll, part of it yes but 60% of it because I'm fucking USELESS. I hate myself for that. Ugh. Why am I born coward? *sighs*

I don't know what I'm talking about hahaha. And yeah, mom told me that that fucker get mad at her and ask her to change the modem shit and then when mom told him she doesn't know how, he fucking said like then what the use of pgie going to school like all the fucking time studying shit? and I'm like what the fuck man? At least I'm doing something damn it. EUGH

I HATE THIS HOUSE, I HATE THAT FUCKER, I JUST HATE HIM. I SWEAR, I'M NOT GONNA SHED A SINGLE FUCKING TEARS FOR SHITFACE LIKE HIM IF HE DIE. I JUST WISH HE DIE ALREADY.
why is it so hard for him to just die???
EUGH.

and then, there's sis Jon. Yesterday, she ask me if I want to accompany her to straighten her hair this weekend and so I told her like, I'm not sure yet and I'll tell you this saturday, I said. so she said, oh ok ok. And then today, I start a conversation in the fucking morning and she's fucking ignore me until this evening. I know she's on WeChat, she's chatting with sis Inut and sis Jaba though. Like, dude.... If you're not okay with it, just say it. EUgh.

*sighs* I'm so distracted right now. Like, well. I've been distracted since a while now honestly. Like, something happen also with sis Jaba like sometimes, I feel like she doesn't really want to listen to what I'm trying to tell her and anything. Like, that one time. I was telling her about my story idea, well plot and she suddenly cut me off and say something else. It's not the first time she did that, but I keep it to myself though. Well, not that my story plot is interesting or important anyway. Oh well *shrugs* I guess, I should realize that she's easily distracted? hahaha yeah, I guess. That suppose to not upset me so much but well. whatever. it already pass. hahaha

And then, I think I should like slowly stop telling others about how sad I am and like oh I cut today. It's like, I'm just doing it to seek for attention. Well, I am an attention seeker but whole cut thing. It just... I don't know. Sometimes, what's the point of telling if there's nobody cares about it? and there's no reason why they should care. They just saying such because they pitied me. I don't trust words anymore. They're annoyed me honestly. Anyone can say sweet things and say how much they care about you and everything but words. Is just a words.
Even if they bullshitting us, we don't know. That's words.
And even this blog, I could be bullshitting you. Because words.

And well, maybe I cut because I Missed the feeling. Yeah. But no. I don't cut because I missed it. I hate it. I hate to do it but what can I do? I'm so angry but I have to suppress my anger so I wouldn't blow it to my mom. I have to suppress my anger so I wouldn't upset her event more. I need to let it out and how much mom's sad face triggering me. I'm just so fucking mad at myself and at that fucking idiot, I JUST HATE HIM! and I need a release.
I need to punish myself....

door slamming is now like a competition in this family and I'm so sick of it. Sometimes, I just want to run away. Well, that seems to what I'm good at. I don't want any help.

 God, I even think I'm losing my faith. I'm so sorry. I'm not strong enough to keep it together. I'm just weak and I've been praying a lot before this but it just making things worst. Where were You when I need You the most? This is too much for me to deal with. The pressure, the stress I get from school and shits. It just God. What have I done that I deserve this?

*sighs* I should be studying right now but meh. I don't feel like it at all. I'm so tired like my energy is being sucked out of me. I'm just a lost cause, I guess. hahahaha.  I'll try to wake up early tomorrow and study a bit.
*sigghssss*

I should just die.

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

I Must Be Emo XD

Hello~ hello~~! I'm back again! today is another tiring day but well, since tomorrow is Friday, I just gotta keep it up! Yosh! hahaha :3 not much happen, it just the same old day and I've been reading Dramione fanfic. Aw yeah! I'm forever DraMione shipper, okay? ahahaha :)
Also today, I've spending my break time in the library for the first time in my whole college life and yeah, it's gonna be like that starting from now on I guess. hahaha :) *sighs* honestly, I'm pretty bored right now and I'm seriously wasn't sure what I should do so I thought of updating this blog. Yeah, I should be do some studying and do my tutorials but put that aside first. I think I'm going to do it later.
I've been waiting for sis Jaba and Aki-chan to online on skype but it seems like both of them isn't online today and Aki-chan, I know she's online because I saw her posting on tumblr and roleplaying. Guessing that she only online when sis Jaba is.

So, since I'm not very much needed, I've quit my skype and offline skype on phone. When I'm tired like this, negativity is definitely rushing over me like a tsunami hahaha so fast that I can't even control it anymore. Plus, the environment in this house is soooo freaking stressful that I definitely prefer to stay at school from morning until evening and then go home, I'll just take a bath and sleep. I can't stand this place actually. It's stressing me out. Suffocating. hahaha

*sighs* i'm sorry, I've promised that I would not talking about negativity anymore but here I am, dwelling in it. hahaha I can't help it. I'm a negative person after all. I'm thinking of getting away from skype until saturday though. I just... Ya know, I'm not stable right now. hahaha

I'm back to Wattpad actually. hahaha Well, not that I want to write stories but I just back to reading. hahahaha yeah, I miss the feeling of reading and stuff like that. Maybe I would write some story in the nearest future. hahaha I have lots of lame story plot. the typical american/asian love story of course and I'm still thinking if I wanna do it. hahaha I wanna write like really wanna write and finish a story. but yeah, I'll be fighting with my lousy grammar again. So, for now... I'll postpone the writing and do lots of reading first hehehe :)
I have few good books that I haven't read yet so I guess I'm going to read them all first and maybe I can have my grammar upgraded a bit and wrote a decent story. Um, I know that I don't have talent and stuff like that but hobby is a hobby hahahaha :)

And uh, I think I'm going to sleep now though. I'm very tired right now and probably gonna wake up early if I'm not lazy enough tomorrow morning. I need to study a bit for my IB since next week, I'm going to have my midterm exam. I want to score that one and plus, I need to work out with my assignment. Yeah, I should be doing that and start being serious with my studies.

and ah, disappointedly I announced that I've cut yesterday. Well, no reason. I cut for fun hahaha like seriously and even right now, I feel like cutting some more. I'm consumed with my tiredness. I can't blame anyone if they'll started to stay away from me and started to avoid me from now on, I'm a cutter anyway. Who would want to dwell themselves with some emo person like I am? hahaha Oh god, I need help. haahaha

Oh well, it's not that I'm suicidal. So, I guess that's okay. hahaha :)

So, I guess that's all. I'm so tired right now. So, bye bye  :)

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears

Brighter Post? I guess... hahahaha

Konbanwa~ hahahaha as promised, I'm back again. wahahaha and yes, today is pretty lousy day for me but pretty cool since I only have 1 and half hour class weee! BUT tomorrow, I'll be at school whole day since I have two class, morning and evening. *sighs* and today also, I've won my first victory in class; in teamwork I mean. I said what I think is right and the other member agreed with me and now we're doing the assignment in our way. Since the appointed leader seems to be clueless what is teamwork means. like he want to do everything first and then distribute it to each one of us so we can check it. I mean, dude, it's teamwork. Teamwork means that everyone gotta do their part and then we can check each other's work. *sighs* But yeah, I'm very happy that he finally not opposing the idea. Like seriously. hahahaha haaaaaa.... It's been a while i didn't feel this good. hahaha :3 Usually, I don't speak out but yeah, I'm doing it for the good of my other teammates too. I know they're not comfortable with the idea of him doing everything for the assignment and plus, the guy should be very aware that it's a group work and not individual work. 

Oh, by the way. I haven't told you that I'm now a degree student. hahaha unbelievable eh? Like almost every single post I've wrote in here is about me opposing the idea of taking degree under business but here I am! hahaha :3 officially a degree student. But I'm not taking Account and Finance anymore and yes, I've change my course into International Business. My mom know about it but I don't think my dad realized it since he keep on saying that I should pass and be accountant one day. I'll be just like meh, whatever dad. wahahaha :3 I mean, even if I told him that I'm taking IB, it's not that he's gonna listen to me and it's just giving me more stress. I'm stressful enough already and I don't wanna make it badder. hahaha So, I'll just keep it as a secret and if they really want me to be an accountant, I'll just take the ACCA level outside.

And ummm, Oh right! I'm actually going to have my midterm next week and I want to score in that test. I should be studying right now and I am having the urge to study hahaha :3 but I just want to update this blog for a while and I need my bath. So I can do my homework with more fresh feelings. hahahaha and ah! next weekend, there's going to be MACGcon in town in which the cosplay competition will be held. Not taking part but I'm excited to wear my costume. I'm going to be Psyche Orihara Yay! and speaking of Psyche, I've ordered his headphone from some chinese website called Taobao with the help of my chinese friend, ShockHui. hahaha and there's so many cosplay stuff and anime stuff oh my god. I just can't. I even bought Noiz cap kehehehehe 

Other than becoming cosplayer, I was also thinking of continuing my goals of becoming ulzzang wannabe. hahahaha I mean, yeah.I just need to work on my self-confidence and learn not to care too much of what people gotta say about how my fashion sense is since my idea of fashion is more towards Japanese and Anime so it's pretty weird for people in Miri. hahahaha There's not many otaku or those who knows anime around here so it's kinda bit disappointing hehehe :3

I'm currently watching Thor: the Dark World. Well, not exactly watching it. I just turn on the tv and here I am. hahahaha :3 I want to take a bath and then going to do my homework. And tomorrow, I'll just need to pass up. Yep, I shall do my best this year since it's degree and I have no time to play around. Wait! Scratch that. I do have time to play and I need my play time too it just that I need to keep them balance. Yep, that's true. I just need to keep my work and play mode in balance. 

For this semester, I'm going to have 8 weeks holiday and I was thinking of getting a part-time job for the whole 8 weeks. At least I'm going to have some pocket money for myself right? It's pretty embarrassing to ask money from my mom even though she doesn't really complaint about it but still, I'm a grown up and it's pretty embarrassing hehehe :3 So, I just want to have my own money and dude, I can have some working experience too ya know. hehehe :3 So, I've told Lalan last time that if she's going to have a part-time job for the holiday, I told her to tell me as well. 

Other than that, Um...... what else? 

ummm...... Oh I decided to not dwell to much with negativity and will never give up no matter how much life pushing me down. It's because this one quote from otomegame in which it says like; 

"He won't push you down the cliff if he doesn't believe that you can climb back up to the top" and I'm like true, true. hahahaha so, in my case, He is of course referring to our Father in heaven. It's true right? it's like God will never put you through something you can't. 

So, it's pretty good quotes and it's make me realize that, no matter how rough my day is, there's always something good happen after that. It's like God just want me to learn from those mistakes I made and survive my dark phase. hahahaha yeah, I've been in my dark phase for too long now and I want to swim through it. I'm done giving up and I want to move on. 

I'm sure this life will get tougher but bring it on! hahaha Just kidding. I just have to fight this self-harm thing first before I move to the next level. hahaha :3

Haa~ I know you guys miss my pretty face hahahaha :3 but this was my old pic. Um, not so old but yeah, it's like last month pic to be exact kehehehe. I miss my long bangs *sighs* Oh well, it's pretty long too nowadays but the only problem is now that my hair is zigzag-ing *sighsss* i wanna straightened it again. hahahah and dyed my hair ashbrown wahahaha and then I can cosplay as Eren or some other character that have brown hair yay! hahaha :3

Okay. enough. Speaking of cosplay, I was thinking of cosplaying lots of character like, like from naruto, karneval, SNK, K-On hahahaha I Knoww~!! but it just the matter of money and confidence actually. *sighsss* hahahaha oh well, I'll just do it slowly. hehehe well, not that I'm gonna cosplay as the character directly. I'm just wanting to have their uniform as my possession hahaha and if I die, at least I can write in my last statement that I want to be buried while wearing SNK uniform. At least it's gonna make me die as a warrior hahahahaha :P

Speaking of dying. There's one time, I was thinking of slitting my wrist deeply but something hold me back. I don't know what it was but it's like suddenly my brain goes blank and I ended up cutting my upper wrist and continue my shower and pretend it never happen. hahahaha and the suicide thought comes and goes but it's not as often as it use to be. I guess I'm pretty okay now. 

And ah, I've just tried to draw some random anime character just now but I didn't finished it since I lost my confident in drawing hahahaha and I feel like, why do I even bother drawing? I can't even drawing it right. I don't have the talent and shit like that. But I really want to draw so badly. I guess I need more practice but then, no matter how many times I practice, I can't seems to make  any progress. *sighss* hahahaha oh well, I guess I don't have that talent naturally like people often said to me. I'm just a wannabe mangaka. hahahaiwai.

Maybe that's why God show me this path towards business. Maybe because He knows that I'm not talented enough to pursue my childhood ambition and bring shamed to the entire clans. hahahaha Haaaaa *sighs* I'll just make drawing as my hobby from now on.

SO, that's all for now. I want to take my bath and do my homework. Yosh! byebyebee

Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears (>__0)v