Part 6: Every Clouds Have Its Silver Lining :) (I)

Greetings, humans~ I've been in MIA since forever I guess hohoho that's because I'm not very motivated to update. I do want to update since there are bunch of stuff I wanna share but still, i'm very stressed out with y assignments, tutorials and even my teammates gah! everything just going to make my head explode until I feel like want to do nothing, including, self-cutting you know. hahaha I guess I'm too freaking stressed to think about anything. All I do all day is sit in front of my lappy and watch anime from morning until next morning hohohoho. Demo, I'm going to be doom soon since my holiday only 3 days left so... I haven't done a shit including my assignments and presentation slide. I'm fucked up right now. I wish I could cry but I couldn't since it's not that bad. hahaha plus, my team members really have no team work at all and I'm so fucked up this semester. I wish I could be my own group you know. Maybe I could finish it half semester ago. Gosh >.< but I was thinking to start everything tonight... ummm not tonight... but maybe sometimes around tomorrow. hohohoh I need to get some shit done though haaaaaa! I wish I have somebody to motivate me doing my homework. 

sometimes I wish my figurine can talk you know. it's freaking lonely not having anyone that understand you to talk with. You see, I'm very-very easy getting annoyed by people presence and I don't know why. I always act indifferent with everybody and I keep on secretly rolling eyes every time they talked about stuff. Well, its because they're talking about the stuff I'm not fond with. I can't... just can't be with this kind of people. I want to move to Japan! 

if let say that my Rin and Yukio and Iza-chan can talk to me, I'm soooo gonna bring them everywhere I'm going hahaha I mean, at least I'm not worry that they gonna leave me or whatever. haish, well that's just one of my wishful thinking. I never gonna have a person who understand the likes like me :) we're too freakish limited edition  then again, thinking back... I do have a person who is just like me. Well, sis jaba of course demo... due to limited time we're spending, I'm still very lonely. well, she really does making my hear joyful and stuff and even just for a while, I feel like I'm no longer the only person who walk on earth. it just the best moment still... like i said, the time. its like we're living in different time zone sometimes. hohoho i'm babbling. blahblahblah. okay next!

So, like I've said.. I'm under recover from self-harming. It's been few days since my last cut though. I wonder if my prayers has been answered. I mean, every time I went to church, I keep asking for guidance, back to where I can find the light in the darkness of my life. last few month ago, I'm very much hopeless and I see nothing but darkness around me. Not even one person try to reach me and stop me from doing this self-mutilation. I mean, for those who knows. Like lalan, she did saw my new fresh cut last time but she didn't bother to say anything. Well, not like I want to stop somehow. but that time, I just wish she could do or say something. Then I realize, she never did care about anything about me. All she care is about me being with her when her friend fly away from her. Heh, I'm always being the stupid one to stay though. Well, that's not the problem. So... I was like wanting to end myself. I took painkillers and oh right!

 speaking of which... actually I was actually almost getting addicted to painkiller and anything pill-like. You see, I was in my mental breakdown that time and at the same time, I'm having toothache. So, I'm like taking this pills to reduce the aches from my tooth. But after a while, I'm no longer having my toothaches but I'm like, convincing myself that it's hurt. even when it's only like a little hurt like being bite by ants, I took like painkillers and paracetamol for a while until my mom told me that I took too much pills. That when it hits me. I'm like "Am I addicted in taking painkillers?" so, I'm trying to control my painkiller pill-taking. In the end, I managed without anyone even noticed about my almost-addicted-to-painkiller stuff. one of the reason, I sometimes taking painkiller for no reason is that I believed that it could help me heal my breakdown. hahaha stupid, I know. I dunno if there are people are doing this to themselves. hm.... but that God. I managed. That's why I said, I always managed.  No one knew about this though. I keep it to myself mostly and I remember that I told my aunt next door that I'm having toothache so she gave me her medicine whenever I'm out hahaha gosh, that's quite freaking me out right now. hahaha and and I always take my painkiller without having anything to eat before taking it. Its like, I'm taking those pills with empty stomach. I think that time I only think of ending myself slowly by taking those pills. hahaha oh well, it's painkiller tho. It's healing me instead of killing hahaha irony.

Enough about my little dark secret kekeke. SO back to my self-harming. I've stopped after I started to watch the law of Ueki. Well, not quite. For a few first episode I did cut myself though and suddenly my paranoia gets me and well, actually I'm thanking my paranoia hahahaha actually, after I've done cutting and I'm like going blank for a moment, staring at the blades I've been using and thats when my paranoia hits me. its making me thought that 'What if the blade got rust? you've gonna have a very bad time and dies" at first I'm not so concern but then its strike me again like, "If you die, then its no use. Who's gonna take care of your mom? your fucking brother? damn it~ why can't i just be selfish? don't you care about your mom at all?" hahahaha i don't know. I'm like fighting with myself you know... Its feel like I'm having my soul divided into two and thank God, the good one is winning. So, from that time, I keep myself away from my blades hehehe. Plus, I'm no longer using my eyebrows blade, I'm using sharpeners blade which more working for me in calming my shit down and much faster reliever. heh, sound nuts but I bet all cutter out there  is agreeing with me. 

so, right now. I'm free from self-harm :) I hope I'm gonna stay strong like this and never ever consider self-harm anymore. I mean, there's always a silver lining in every dark clouds :)

My life has been up and down and there are some that leaving and some that come back and some even just be there when they need me to. But I'm through all that. I'm accepting my life as it is. Well, I know it eventually will happen again sometimes in the future since like people said, our life is circling but all we've got to do is keep moving forwards because everything happen for a reason. Maybe not many out there are strong like me. Well, not saying that I'm strong. I'm still very weak you know. I really really need someone to support me through thick and thin but still, I'm done hoping for someone to do that. I have to save myself from anything. So, I'm determine to be my own hero. no matter how low I'm going to fall, I'm gonna help myself stand back up again and climb. But I'm always wonder  though, until when can I keep relying on myself? What if someday, I feel like I can't take it anymore and just give up? 

Well, heh... i'm not so sure whats going on inside my head you see. Sometimes I feel like all fire up to save myself and sometimes I feel like, oh well, I don't give a damn about what will happen to me. I'm not sure and I don't even understand myself anymore. I'm having identity conflicts hahahaha...

Hey you know what? I'm gonna continue tomorrow. hahahaha I suddenly feel lazy though :) so yeah

byebye for today

Part II will be tomorrow

I promise!

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Face.

Part 5: Can't You See That Bad Things Only Happens To Me.

Hey there :) 

It's been a while I didn't write here eh? Well, um... Too many things happen to me lately and I lost all my interest in doing everything. Not quite everything though. Only few things I still have interest in doing like listening to music, watching movies, eating & online-ing. But right now, I don't feel like doing anything. I just want to lie down on bed while listening to music and reading. My homework is piling up and my assignment due date is getting near. I'm very much under pressure right now about that and well, i can't blame anyone on that since I'm a very talented procrastinator kekeke :3

Plus, my brother is back to his fucking idiotic self which i am very suspecting him to be involving with drugs, AGAIN. I mean, he keep on asking money at mom like 1000 in two days. Come on, it's fucking obvious that he is repeating the fucking history. I just very angry at him and well, i must say that i quite despise him now. And yesterday, he ask me to give him RM 100. I'm like what the fuck man? Do i look like i'm working here?! Fuck man. Does he have no common sense at all? Motherfucking son on a bitch. Like fucking seriously, how can he think that i have that amount of money with me anyway? Hmm.... I don't know. Gah. Fuck. 

Then, i have to thicken my face to ask money from my aunt next door like i'm so freaking embarrassed you know. I feel like peasants who asking for money. I mean, my pride is scarred. >.< because of the shameless son of a bitch. 

I wish he was dead. My life would be even better.

And there come to my dad. He couldn't stop talking and nagging. I mean, he keep on telling me the same things over an over again and saying that i'm just like my brother, never listen to what he said and like blaming me for didn't do like he instruct. I would do it if he just fucking stop repeating the same thing. I know when I want to do it or when i don't feel like it. I need time and it just fucking frustrating you know. Gosh. And he said that i only know how to play and don't even study. Heh. Fuck this shit. He never even bother to check me when i'm studying. 

And saying that i'm like my brother is a big no. I may be a loser but at least i don't try to fit in until i done the wrong things. Come on la. I fucking hate that. And speaking of listening, have he ever listen to what i've said? Like when i told him that i want to be a cartoonist, does he ever listen or understand how much i want to be that? All he gave me are mountains of empty promises like he promised to give me freedom after i finish my diploma. Where the fuck is that have gone? It all buried deep down into the core of earth crust. All my life, i've been listening to him and mom. What i get? None. Materialistically, yes. Does they ever care what I really want? I don't fucking think so. They never bother to ask. Even if i tell them what i want, they always disagree. Why? Because they never thing of what i want. All that in their mind is only how my brother behave on them. God, i'm so fucking losing this game.

And well, i'm still actively self-harm. I did browse on the web how to cope with this and i even look for Demi Lovato on how she managed to survive. Well, she kind of surviving from self-harm because she have her little sister who love her and care for her. Then, there in the USA, they have rehab centre for self-harmer and plus she have her fans supporting her. I was thinking to look up on her and learn to cope with mine according to hers. But then, i think back, it is so not my solution. I mean, i don't have anyone that love or care for me, i'm just exist when they need something from me. Then, here in Malaysia they have no rehab centre for self-harmer or i don't even think here got psychiatrist. And last, hell... Don't say fans, friends also I don't think i even have one. Hm.... So i went to surviving method number two. It says that i could distract myself from self-harm by doing things i like. Well, it surely the best and easiest way to cope with this shit. But then, now I'm feeling very tired to do anything. I was free from self-harm like 2 days because i was focusing myself playing the sims 3 then yesterday evening, my dad scolded me and said that i'm doing something unworthy and said that i never study. So, i started again yesterday evening. Then, before my bed time, lalan make me fucking angry that she threw the panadol right in front of me because she hates taking medicine. I mean, hell. She should be grateful that i care about her health and that what she did to me? Heh. I fucking swear that this is the fucking last time i will care about her health. I'm so mad as well that again, i took my razor and cut myself. So, i cut like twice yesterday. And then, when i was about to go to bed, i suddenly feel like crying and all the guilty feeling suddenly rushing towards me and i suddenly feel like i was being used by everybody, hated and annoying. I couldn't stop crying and i couldn't even sleep it out. So i took my razor again and then, start to calm my shit down. So that's make it three times in one evening. I guess i'm pretty much in  quite a mess eh?

Today, i feel a bit okay. I'm still under pressure but i managed to make people laughed and i joked with them. My scars from yesterday cutting still biting and well, i don't even bother to hide it anymore because no one noticed it and care shit about it. Yes, i freely wore my normal t-shirt. I'm invisible in everywhere i go, so why even bother to hide it anyway? I'm not gonna show them up about it or pretend to accidentally show it to them, no. 

I just don't give a shit about people anymore, they don't give a shit about me anyway.

So, that's pretty much what going on with my life currently. There's more but i just feel like telling this only. I need self-control right now since i'm in class. Kekeke :3

So, i'll write again soon :)

Have a nice life ;)

P.S : Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part 4 : I'm Worsen But I'm Fine. I'll be just fine

Hi there :)
Well, today I'm not having a good start for the day. hehei :) But um... I'm pretty fine now though. I've cut again today and not just once, because I think I deserve more than one of that. I mean, yeah I'm blaming myself for you know, the new fact I just knew today. Well, I'll go to that part later. Now, I just want to say that I don't think my life will get better after this and I have feelings that it will getting even worst than ever. What else can I say? I mean, everything seems to fall apart again and I'm here, sitting alone in this lair of love of mine and cutting myself, feeling guilt that I can't even get rid off. I'm so full of guilt, self-hatred and everything. Depression, you say? Well, a little but I'm not feeling depress somehow. Honestly, I feel nothing. I don't really hate myself, only a little. Guilt? Yep, because I feel like I'm bringing disaster to everybody that sometimes I wish to be alone and I know I hate that idea but yeah, it's better for everybody. I mean, you know I care to much about other people feeling that you know... I rather be alone than hurting them. I'm through being hated and now I'm hated.. again. But I can't blame them for hating me because you know, it's my specialties nowadays. I am very-very good at hurting people feeling that I don't even know how to stop.

I look pretty~ I know~ I know~ hehehei~ but nah, I'm not. If I didn't put on my fake teeth, everyone will definitely screaming while running away. kukuku XD anyway.. Last Saturday is one of my worst day of my life. Start off with the afternoon. I was already promised Chyi, Jonny and Lalan that I'm going to join them hangout at Beach Republic at 4p.m. But then, around 3.30p.m my mom suddenly ask me to send her to buy the lottery and I'm like, What?! WHATTTTT~~~~~ hahaha just kidding~ I'm like what? why didn't you ask me earlier? I'm going with chyi and the rest at 4! i said to her and she's like, blahblahblah~~ and you know, nagging at me. But then, I think back, it's my own fault though for not telling her earlier that I'm going with Chyi and the rest. But I'm to ego to admit that it was my fault so I just keep the anger to myself until I arrived home. When I'm at home, it was already 5p.m and I've message Chyi that they can go without me though but then she didn't allow me to be left that she ask lalan to pick me up. Since, I'm still very angry at myself that I can't even think of anything else. I can't go hang out with them with anger right? So yeah, I've cut myself again. Its bleed a little but it help me relaxing a bit. I put all my anger on the razor as I cut myself. But pshh... like anyone would care even if I bleed myself to death that time. kekeke :) So, I'm feeling better a bit. I could make them laugh, I can make rania laugh... That's important the most. and then, we go home around 7 something and Lalan and I went home here, at my place. And there we saw that Jaba and her family is there too. I was like... Umm.. okay.... I'm not ready to face them yet and I don't even know what to say. You know, like if you've been not talking for few weeks, and suddenly facing each other, its awkward right? Well, I'm very awkward person somehow and I can't help it. Plus, I'm feeling guilt that you know, I've done lots of terrible things to her especially. I was thinking not to go and sit there with them at Mak Ulit house but my heart said otherwise. So I go but  we didn't interact with each other. She just talk to Inut and Inut talk to her only. We don't even look at each other direction but pshh... who am I to say this? I should be the one who start the conversation, am I? but I didn't. Why? because I'm ashamed to face them. Because I feel like I'm the one who causing us all to be apart like this. No matter how you want to put it, it always came back to me. I'm the one who cause them to be apart and well, it's what I do best. I hurt people. And well, what trigger me to cut again this morning is that... well, I've told you that I know her secret blog, ight? so this morning, I suddenly have the urge to know what she's been writing so I've found out that she hates me and she said I'm being hypocrite and all. well, maybe I am. I won't deny that because I'm a big two face.

Well, I've screenshot it alright? It's not like she's gonna read this anyway since she hates me and all. well, I don't blame her for hating me somehow. She have all the right to hate me. I've hurt her millions of time and maybe I'm one of the reason of her depression and all. I make her feel bad and I'm very out of control from my ego-self. I hurt her so much that I can't even blame her or hell,  I can't even say that I hate her. She's like the most last person that I can hate. Hell... What can I do now? Nothing. that is all I can do. Nothing. I can't hate her and hell, I don't know. I don't know anymore. Maybe I deserve this. I'm hated by everybody. I knew it. But what can I do? Well, maybe I make her think that I hate her. But if it the best for her, then let it be that way. Let her hate me because I deserve that. She deserve someone much better than I am to be friend with. She deserve lots better. I'm just, you know... All I do is hurt her. I brought tears to her eyes, I even make  her life hell. I don't even deserve any forgiveness from her and hell, I don't deserve anything from her. Maybe it's time for her to go and find someone better. I'm just a burden to her life and I can't change for who I am. I hate the new me, but this is what I want to be. I choose this new me. I pretend like everything is okay because I'm through with people pitying me. telling me that they understand when they understand nothing, saying that everything will be okay when I'm clearly know that nothing will be fine.

Tomorrow is her birthday and I've bought her Nyanko-sensei plushies and some useful book that I think can help her going through her depression and suicidal thought. And I don't know how I'm going to give her these  item tomorrow. Maybe I'll stop by for short time after class and ask her mom to pass it to her. I don't know. or maybe if my mom or mak ulit or even uncle spone going there tomorrow *if there will be some party* Maybe I'll let them to pass it for me. I won't show up somehow. I mean, why the hell should I be there if I'm not even wanted, like sincerely wanted to be there? I'll be called a hypocrite for more if I did that. If this means the end of us, then let it be. As long as she's happy, then it's mean everything to me. I'll find the way to get through this. I'll be fine. This I can promise.

and then, that Saturday as well I found out that my brother is involving with another new bad cases. I'm not sure what it is but I know he is. I was reloading my mom phone and I saw a message from his friend saying like, "dude, I'm out of the stuff, I'll try to ask the other dude if he still got some. I'll tell him to save some for us," or something like that... and well, I didn't tell mum about the message because I can't let her worry anymore. And well, since she care too much about my brother, her motherly-instinct is right. She told me that she's suspecting him that he is indeed getting involve with something bad again. Well, there goes my happy ending. ahaha :D once a drug-dealer, always a drug-dealer, eh? and well, I'm readying myself to receive tantrums from mum again like before. like throwing all her anger about my brother to me, finding my mistakes and stuff. Heh, I can imagine it already. If it help her to be okay, then I'll accept the term and conditions. kekeke :) Well, umm.... not even good music can help me right now. except for Of Mice & Men since I really need the screams because it feel like Austin is defining my anger, hatred, the screams inside me... He representing it all. And I was thinking to tell Jon about everything but then again, I don't want to. She gone through a lot lately and I don't want to be burden to her. Even sis Lalan, I won't tell her anything anymore. I'll just keep pretending that I'm alright now, that i'm cool and awesome. Since that what I do best. I'm such a good pretender. hehehei :)

The deeper it get

The better I feel

The blood dripping along with the cold water

My eyes follows every drop 

As my mind went empty

I feel nothing

I feel numb

But I feel fine

My anger is gone

My sadness is gone

I'm all numb

But I'm alright

I hurt to many people

I've been a bad guy

This is the punishment 

That I deserve so badly

I can't stop

and I won't stop myself from hurting me

This is what I deserve

for all the sins I've done

to those I love the most

This is my punishment.

I'll let the world be fool

By this hypocritic smile of mine

No one should ever knowing

how hard it is for me to be fake

But if it bring good to them

let me be fake for a moment

if everything will be okay

let just see if I can even hold on

till that precious day to come.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part Three : The Part Of Me.

Greetings :)
Well, today I'm gonna write something about my unhealthy addiction. Yes, I'm addicted to self-harm. Right now, I'm suppose to do my homework but I'm just too freaking distracted and I'm trying to find my razor in room but I can't find it and I've been searching everywhere for it but I didn't find any. Maybe I've brought my last razor into the bathroom last time. I've lost one of my razor as well, the one I kept in my room. I can't find it anywhere. I'm so freaking desperate right now. But I'm trying to distract myself by blogging. I mean, this is the only thing that I feel like can distract me from cutting somehow. God, help me. Still, I'm very anxious to look for razor. But thank goodness I don't go for something sharper like cutter. Like I've told you, I'm not suicidal, it's like my medicine to keep me calm.

Honestly, on my last post... I've told that I don't want any help at all. Yes, part of it is true but another part of me, I just want to stop. Gosh, I can't even type straight. fuck it. anyway, uh... I don't want people to help me. I don't want them to pity me, I don't want them to know anything about my scars. So, I'm going to help myself. I don't know how, but I'm gonna start with something like this, like writing blogs or listening to music, or going shopping or even watching some TV shows. Anything that I can think of. I've been to church lately and the priest were talking about forgiveness and faith if I'm not mistaken, and I've been thinking that maybe God has given me a sign. Maybe He wanted me to forgive myself and to forgive anyone that ever hurt me. Well, just in case there is since all I could remember is I'm the one who bring hell to their life. hehei~ anyway, since that time, I decided to keep faith and hope inside me. I mean, I want to stop before any one of my parent knows about this. I can't afford to tell them anything. I mean, I can't see any good point to do this. Well, I do actually. Since it calming even if it's hurt. But.... Well, I'm not sure if I can do this alone but I'm through looking for help and support from other people. I'm through because I don't think they fucking care or understand what I'm even going through in my head. They never understand, and they just plainly said that they were but they don't and never will.

I wish I could disappear most of the time. I'm just too freaking annoyed with Lalan presence and I can't afford it. she just being so fucking annoying that sometimes I feel like slapping her face. I feel like I want to strangle her to death. God, forgive me for this but hell, I hate her annoyance. that is the last thing I can ever tolerate with. She's like, I don't know.. She think she's being funny but honestly, she's annoying like fuck. Gosh, I hate to say this but we can never ever ever be closed. Maybe we look like we are but we don't. This make me feel bad you know. I feel like I'm using her just to run away like, using her for distraction and to keep myself away from anyone. Heh, well maybe I am. Since that is what I do best.

And if I have to ever confess, I confess that I've hacked sis Jaba google account once after I've know that she's having another blog that she didn't tell me about and yes, I know well the URL of the blog and I'm feeling guilty. She does have reason why she's making another blog. But that make me feel like she want me to go away from everything she do. Honestly, I feel that way. I mean, before this. We always told each other whenever we have some other new blog. But well, what the hell. I think I have trespass her private life and I swear I'm not gonna do that again and  if she want me to leave her alone, then I'll try my best. Surely, one of the reason i'm cutting is this. hehei. Honestly said. it is. I mean, I'm losing my real best friend here. Well, Hello? hahaha XD oh well, maybe we're just don't meant to be related after all. And speaking of her, I remember one post from the new blog and she said like since I have the wealth and everything, I deserve to be with someone like Lalan or Jon or the other. Honestly, I may have good amount of pocket money in my hand, I still have nothing. I don't own a good family, I never have a great childhood, I never be close with my brother, I'm always alone and no one even ever notice if I'm even exist sometimes. Is that what she call wealth? I don't. The best part that ever happen in my life is the memories she had given to me. I don't think I ever have any great childhood moment if we're not close. I know that most of our time, we spend it for tell-tale but it means much more than that to me. Maybe it means nothing to her but hell, it's might means everything to me. If she felt slight envious with my family, I assure her not to. I mean, I do get everything I ever wanted if I ask my parent for them like iPhone, iPod, laptop, PS2, money. Yes, but have I ever tell you that I feel lack of love? I don't know much about my dad since he ever at home since I was so very young and he only come home often when I'm like 17 years old something. I don't know him at all. We're like acquaintance who called each other dad and daughter. At least, for sis Jaba her dad is always at home and spend most the time with them. At least she have great memories doing stuff together with her dad and at least she knew her dad a little. And mum, well. I know we're here under the same rooftop 24/7 for 365 days. But honestly, we're nothing that I can say close. All she ever think of is my brother. All about to make my brother better and all attention is mostly focus on my brother. Then, whenever my brother did something pissed her off, she would throw her rage at me like I'm.. I don't know. It just, I feel like she never give me the attention. Even when I was still a kid, I just remember that I'm always all by myself since forever. As for sibling, I don't know who the hell is my brother kekeke All I know is that he likes gaming and cars. And I think, I know my brother more than I know my parent kekeke and there is nothing much to say about my brother though. It just that we're never that close. Just saying that if you ever feel envious with my life, just don't. You don't want it. Now after you know part of it, I don't think you've would want to have it right now. Be grateful with what you have and no. I don't belong with someone who have the same wealth as me. I don't care about any of that shit. I valued friendship and loyalty more than wealth and levels.
But maybe I am. I mean, assumption never start without anything that triggers it.

All I could say now before I end this post is that, I never have something that I could call happy memory or greatest memories. Well, if you count the memories of I'm fangirling when watching tv shows, then I do. Right now, I'm through with the urge to cut myself. Wow, this is really working hehehe. Well, I'm not sure if I can stop the urge until later but I hope so. So... I guess that's all for now. I'll write soon.

Bye Bye
Have a nice life.

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears :)

Part Two: When The Pain Make You Painless

Hello there. This is the second part of whatever i'm doing here hehe :3 well, honestly, i'm not getting any better but well, i can cope with everything again. Like keeping up with my studies, my True Blood, my stories... I'm doing everything like before. Most of the time, i just want to sleep my day off. I just don't have the feeling to make any interaction with anyone else. Their presence annoys me, like honestly. I just want to be alone. I wish to limit my interaction with the rest because i can't deal with bullshit anymore and i just don't want to care too much about people anymore. If they want to go, then i shall let them go. Plus, i only make them miserable somehow. I mean, look at what i've done in few years back. I only know how to hurt people feelings. That's what i'm very pro at. Ehe~ i should get some award about it though.

I'm still doing cuttings and i don't feel like stopping somehow because it really does help me to feel relax and relief. I mean it's feel like some painkiller. Like if i feel like cry, i would eventually stop and my mind went blank for a moment once I did it. I feel nothing. You know what i'm saying? No matter how broken i am, no matter how much i want to like... Ending myself, once i did it, i went back to my neutral self. Its like magic. Well, honestly said it does hurtful and feel like being bite by termites, ehehe but seriously. I feel fine. So conclusion. I don't feel like stopping for the moment.

Plus, I'm not that fond to talk out my secrets to people anymore. Its mean much more when i talk to myself in the shower. I mean, who else can understand me if it isn't me? I don't need anyone else in my life anymore. I'm through needing people to cry on, i'm through needing company to be with. I'm through with all of that. I just don't feel like trusting any people. i just don't want to hurt their feelings anymore. It's better if i'm alone. I don't have to care about their feelings, an they don't need to take care of mine. Psh, like they does. Anyway, since breaking people heart is one of my best personality nowadays... So yeah.
You need me, you come to me.

I'm still a believer and God followers but in this few weeks, i don't feel like praying you see. Well, i feel like... I don't know. It's not like i don't believe in Him. It just that, i feel that i'm not worth it. You know what i'm saying? I'm not worth to be His followers and i'm not worth to be forgiven. Hell, i don't think i'm worth something. I'm worthless. Well, sometimes i do speak with Him and I've told Him what i feel and everything. I don't know if he heard me though but I hope so... i know that He loves me and He care for me. But there something.... Well, i can't say it since i'm not sure what it is... So, let just say that i'm start to stray away from Him. But honestly... I don't want to. Of all things I'm going to let go, i just want to stay loyal for Him.

And I cut myself not that i want to commit suicide or anything. So don't worry about that. Just start to worry once i stop cutting because that time, i might have thought of of doing something much more internal self-harm hehei~ hope not though. Honestly, i cut myself for a relieve. I sometimes think that i'm out of my mind because i love to see the blood coming out from the cuts and then the rough feeling on my skin. I like how the pain biting my skin. I just love the pain. I don't know why. And nowadays, i don't feel pain at all. The cuts deeper (not too deep until you can see my inside flesh, no) and longer but it never hurt me. Well it does but for a short time only.

Anything that can bring me peace, i will do it including self-harm. So, conclusion for this post is that, i'm through of screaming for help and self-pity. I don't care if i'm going to be addicted to cutting. All I care now is to get better, to scrap off this empty feeling inside, to burn all the guilty i have inside. Just for reminder, i don't hate you people. I only hate myself, even more than you can ever hate.

Thank you.
Byebye :)
Have a nice life :)

P.S Let Your Smile Cover Up Your Tears.

Pictures Update :)

MehMehMeh :3

Hey:)
I'm in the middle of class right now and i'm pretty much a bit angry because my mom just call me and told me that that my brother ask me to send his car-service book. i'm like what? why didn't he jus put the damn book in the car before? i mean, gosh. It's not that easy to drive out from that place you know. Plus, i'm freaking lazy to drive right now. i just want to go home because my paranoia is coming to me again. i feel quite insecure right now and yeah, i just want to be home. in my condition right now, i wish i had brought along my razor this morning but thank goodness that i didn't. I mean, i can try to calm my shit down until i get home later. I know i shouldn't be angry at le bro or mom since its my job to help right? But hmmm... I don't know. I'm just pissed . I don't have to have good reason to piss off actually. Maybe i'm pissed of myself for everything that i've done. So, yeah. :)

I'll be back later to continue on my part two. I seriously will do it today. Hopefully nothing will get me distracted. :)

See you later :)